Fucking fed up with it

[MoreShit123]

Single as fuck, always have been other than a couple of disasters I was stupid enough to think would develop into a relationship. Been on my own most of the year. Hate zoom. Glossed the windows, did the kitchen up, did the garden, bought shit loads of clothes I only wear to work because there's fuck all else to do and I barely see anyone anyway even in normal times. All my friends have kids and partners and priorities of their own. I'm 36 and I've fallen through the cracks. Supposed to go on a date Saturday with some guy I've been chatting to online but that'll probably be sacked off depending on whatever fresh bullshit they announce today and to be honest I just can't imagine myself getting serious with someone online anyway it feels so forced, I'm doing it mainly to distract myself from previous heartbreak but also to see what the universe will throw my way if I meet it halfway and leave a door open. I'm lucky in a lot of ways, health work family money etc. I'm grateful. I know people have it much worse. But I'm lonely, I'm bored and there's nothing to look forward to, no unit of my own and nobody to share anything with. No-one to love and be proud of. Nobody of interest to talk to and swap stories and laugh with. Mental stimulation. Sick of going for a fucking walk. Sick of listening to music. I had my heart utterly smashed to pieces this year by another wanker who saw me as an "amazing" person and fun FWB but nothing real, I ended it and cut him off because as much as I loved and wanted him I won't put up with that so at least I can say I have self respect. I know I'm better off alone as shit as it is than in half a relationship with someone who undervalues me. But I'm still struggling with the failure of it. Yet another non starter AGAIN. I know I'm being a negative moaning old bastard but I feel like I just exist and there's just no real joy in anything. I'd love at least a good bunch of single friends to have a laugh and a drink with instead of feeling like the spare prick at a wedding all the time. I do have one friend who is in the same boat as me and we want to do lots of fun things like days out theme parks etc but she is in a different tier and the way things are fuck knows when that will happen. I'm fed up of constantly having to kick myself out of a depression and keep my chin up. I avoid certain people now as I get so irritated with them asking me if I've met anyone "yet". Just fuck off. I don't tell anyone in real life how I'm feeling because I'm so embarrassed that my life is this empty. It's just one long slog. I don't want counselling, I don't want medication, I don't want a lodger I want love and companionship. Yes I know having a partner doesn't define me. I know relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be. Neither is being constantly on my own. This year has been absolutely horrendous. I didn't even bother putting a tree up, what's the fucking point? So I can sit next to it with a glass of wine on my own giving Bridget Jones a good run for her money? The silver lining is my appetite is only big when I'm content so I'm losing weight and hopefully won't have fat thighs for much longer. Return of the size 12 jeans is on the horizon, maybe even 10 if I stop waterboarding my liver with Aldi's prosecco. No advice to be given really. Does anyone else ever feel just empty and irrelevant?

I could have written this myself. Turned 34 last month. Living alone this year has been awful. Was dumped after a LTR a whole year ago after I was deemed not good enough to marry or have kids with. Cried on my family on Xmas day because I’m so lonely. Can’t say much to you other than I know what your feeling and it’s shite.

No advice but you do write bloody well!

You are definitely not alone . I have no single friends so I started turning down invitations to bbqs and home parties ( when it was still possible) because I would always be the only one who came alone there and it affected my MH. People will come on and say have you thought of having a child alone, you would feel less lonely 🙄. As a single parent, I wouldn't recommend it , it's even harder and you have no one to share the load with . Go on your date on Saturday open minded , if anything it gives you something to do and you never know.

No words of wisdom, but you sound ace. Don't write yourself off, you know your worth. Christmas is a time of year where singletons feel it more than ever. I'm recently single but I have kids so I'm never alone. Even so, with lockdown rules etc. and not being able to see people, it does feel lonely.
Please stay positive, you have a wicked sense of humour and I'm sure you are lovely and will attract the right person for you. This time next year I'm hopeful things will be relatively back to normal.

@MoreShit123 this is me 100% at the moment. Word for word. I’m 44.

I live with my husband, dad and brother. My dad is a moody alcoholic who has started smoking and my husband has barely spoken to me for 5 days. My brother is the saving grace but he has a life of his own. In a different way, I know how you feel. You aren't alone.

And me. Word for word. Pour a glass of that Prosecco for me.

Also 100% me. What is this Aldi prosecco you speak of?..

Snap on the Christmas Day comment, I got two pigs in blankets down me before bursting into tears. It's just shit. I feel guilty on my parents because I know they just want me to be happy. I literally go to work all week, go for a walk in the evening and count down the days until the weekend is here so I can feel less ashamed about cracking a bottle open and taking the edge off. By the time I take the wheelie bin out there's enough clanging and banging in there to impersonate a brewery. Fuck knows what the neighbours think, I'll probably have the samaritans turning up on the doorstep following an anonymous phone call. I don't want children thankfully otherwise I'd be in even more of a state. I've never felt so alone, tragic and utterly bored shitless.

Have you ever thought to yourself, would you date you?

OP, I was terminally single for quite a while. I had relationships with men when I knew it was going nowhere but it seemed better than being on my own. It wasn’t. I felt pretty much as you describe.

I had a couple of dogs so I always did at least one long walk a day and that meant I did get out and chat to people - this was so important to me.

This year has been tough for everyone but especially for people who live alone. I think trying to date and meet people under lockdown is like trying to push water uphill but what is the alternative?

No advice but know that there will be many who understand what you are going through.

I think that you should write, as in a short story to start with, as enjoyed reading your written words in your post. Writing can clear your mind of all your woes and upsets also.

I have been alone for years, by choice. but have had the usual bad luck,traumas and all sorts over the years,like lots of people do, but I like writing, and have made up some short stories about things in my life, but putting fictional people in them, instead of myself.

@Jessica382 Yes. I'm not perfect by any means we all have faults but I would make a great partner to those compatible with my personality. My Mum says I am far too independent and not needy enough, but how is being independent a bad thing? Surely someone would feel better knowing I'm with them because I want to be not because I need their money or a bodyguard?! If I'm wrong and I have more chance finding a partner by crying down the phone when I come off at the wrong junction well then fuck it Bridget Jones it is. But it hurts.

@MoreShit123 I think being independent is ESSENTIAL for a woman. Who wants to be emotionally or financially dependent on someone who can change their mind at any time?

I agree with your mum that men like to feel 'needed' and for that women often need to be needy, clingy or dependent in some way to feed their ego. But as a self-actualised woman.....who has time for that?

The audacity of the ‘you are too independent, maybe you would have a boyfriend if you were more needy’ comments. When I get told this I always wonder if the friend/relative would like to pay my mortgage, bills and give me pocket money while also being on hand to ‘help’ me socially, with my hobbies and my job. I bet they would not-just like you would not like to go out with a man who was needy and not independent. I can’t give you advice-I am not good at men at all, but the bad advice given-unsolicited I might add-by friends who have been married for two decades is laughable. Like being advised to do hobbies, which I do, by people who don’t have hobbies-because well you might meet a man. Sorry rant over.

Feel you. My relationships are a disaster and the only real fiery amazing spark I’ve made in recent years was with a man 3000 miles away.

Seriously could’ve been love, any guy willing to eat junk food and dub karate films with you just because is like gold dust. There’s other stuff too of course but damn those miles and the ocean in the way 😭

Current man is lovely, it’s on go slow but I’m having my massive wobbles. In fact I think the issue isn’t anything red flags or anything but he’s just not the one. I want the fire and sparks not just the warm comforting hug.

You have a great writing style OP! I would date you for it sure.

You’ll probably hate me for saying it, but could you get a dog? I’ve found the love and loyalty of my Labrador gets me through anything (so far).

@Crimeismymiddlename

The audacity of the ‘you are too independent, maybe you would have a boyfriend if you were more needy’ comments. When I get told this I always wonder if the friend/relative would like to pay my mortgage, bills and give me pocket money while also being on hand to ‘help’ me socially, with my hobbies and my job. I bet they would not-just like you would not like to go out with a man who was needy and not independent. I can’t give you advice-I am not good at men at all, but the bad advice given-unsolicited I might add-by friends who have been married for two decades is laughable. Like being advised to do hobbies, which I do, by people who don’t have hobbies-because well you might meet a man. Sorry rant over.

@Crimeismymiddlename I think people neglect to mention that a lot of things in life come down to timing and luck. When someone seems to have been lucky, it's easy to say, 'well just do this, x, y and z and it will happen for you too!' but there is no guarantee for anything in this life. They may mean well, but life is not so formulaic.

I echo your feelings @MoreShit123 and for you and the others on this thread who feel like this, someone posted this thread -www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4117138-How-do-I-come-to-terms-with-this-Sounds-silly-but-I-ve-reached-a-wall
It may interest you if you’d like to join us over there. Sending you all strength x

no words of wisdom but you sound funny as fuck 😂 i’ll be back on this thread post covid asking u to come on a night out lol!

Agree with @sazzysazz337 - you come across as having a great sense of humour!

Your mum is wrong, I think. The only partner I had who didn't like my independence was an abusive one.

You sound like you have your shit together and sometime soon, you'll meet someone great who sees your worth.

From a male point of view I think that having your own independence is a winner.

Blokes who don't think that are insecure about themselves as they aren't able to cope with a strong woman.

@pog100

No advice but you do write bloody well!

I second @pog100's comment - you seem really witty and cool. I'm sure there will be a day where you will look back at this time in your life and marvel at how different things are in comparison. Things can happen really quickly when you meet the right person, so don't lose hope. I'm in exactly the same position as you btw so not speaking from a "smug married" perspective! Take care xx

MoreShit, you’ve nailed it, every word. Thank you.