Fucking fed up with it

[MoreShit123]

Single as fuck, always have been other than a couple of disasters I was stupid enough to think would develop into a relationship. Been on my own most of the year. Hate zoom. Glossed the windows, did the kitchen up, did the garden, bought shit loads of clothes I only wear to work because there's fuck all else to do and I barely see anyone anyway even in normal times. All my friends have kids and partners and priorities of their own. I'm 36 and I've fallen through the cracks. Supposed to go on a date Saturday with some guy I've been chatting to online but that'll probably be sacked off depending on whatever fresh bullshit they announce today and to be honest I just can't imagine myself getting serious with someone online anyway it feels so forced, I'm doing it mainly to distract myself from previous heartbreak but also to see what the universe will throw my way if I meet it halfway and leave a door open. I'm lucky in a lot of ways, health work family money etc. I'm grateful. I know people have it much worse. But I'm lonely, I'm bored and there's nothing to look forward to, no unit of my own and nobody to share anything with. No-one to love and be proud of. Nobody of interest to talk to and swap stories and laugh with. Mental stimulation. Sick of going for a fucking walk. Sick of listening to music. I had my heart utterly smashed to pieces this year by another wanker who saw me as an "amazing" person and fun FWB but nothing real, I ended it and cut him off because as much as I loved and wanted him I won't put up with that so at least I can say I have self respect. I know I'm better off alone as shit as it is than in half a relationship with someone who undervalues me. But I'm still struggling with the failure of it. Yet another non starter AGAIN. I know I'm being a negative moaning old bastard but I feel like I just exist and there's just no real joy in anything. I'd love at least a good bunch of single friends to have a laugh and a drink with instead of feeling like the spare prick at a wedding all the time. I do have one friend who is in the same boat as me and we want to do lots of fun things like days out theme parks etc but she is in a different tier and the way things are fuck knows when that will happen. I'm fed up of constantly having to kick myself out of a depression and keep my chin up. I avoid certain people now as I get so irritated with them asking me if I've met anyone "yet". Just fuck off. I don't tell anyone in real life how I'm feeling because I'm so embarrassed that my life is this empty. It's just one long slog. I don't want counselling, I don't want medication, I don't want a lodger I want love and companionship. Yes I know having a partner doesn't define me. I know relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be. Neither is being constantly on my own. This year has been absolutely horrendous. I didn't even bother putting a tree up, what's the fucking point? So I can sit next to it with a glass of wine on my own giving Bridget Jones a good run for her money? The silver lining is my appetite is only big when I'm content so I'm losing weight and hopefully won't have fat thighs for much longer. Return of the size 12 jeans is on the horizon, maybe even 10 if I stop waterboarding my liver with Aldi's prosecco. No advice to be given really. Does anyone else ever feel just empty and irrelevant?

Threebutterflies How old are your kids? If old enough to leave at home for a bit, you can go out and join some local groups? Walking/running? If young, can you join groups for mums and younger kids and make friends that way? Try to fill your time as much as you can. Are you open to dating?

Yes mate I feel you. Unfortunately all the men I want are either married or gay. Seems like there are no fish in the sea. So disappointing.

@Workquestion12
Thankyou for the reply . There 10 and 13 so I think I can start going out more . I might have a look at adult education for the evenings just for the company! I agree it is good to try and keep busy. I’ve been on 3 dates in the last 5 years . Haven’t met anyone nice yet !

Hi @Threebutterflies my kids same age, also stay in their rooms all day, split up with boyfriend 3 weeks ago. Also lonely, is dating the answer? I looked at dating thread and felt scared, I haven’t been single more than a few weeks since 1992…!

Agreed. No fish, just a swamp full of snakes.

As my Dad once said... "Get out there and find your Prince. You have to kiss a few frogs first and fuck me you've had some toads" 🐸

How about volunteering work of some sort? Do you have any skills you can pass on to others? Do you have local groups you can join?

I am very into the boating life, I don't actually have a boat but if I had a serious windfall it's the first thing I would buy. In fact I'd probably live on one and moor inside a marina as I adore the community spirit and the tranquility of it all. That surprises me, as I'm usually pretty anti-social. But they just seem to be my kind of people. Down to earth. So I have actually volunteered with the Canal and River Trust to try and get more involved, but I'm still waiting on a response. I even went out of my way to chase them up and still nothing yet. So at this rate I can't even give myself away!! No Meet Ups within a 20 mile radius, I've checked. I live in a lovely little town and it has great nature walks but socialising, not so much. I appreciate people on here saying "go and make friends" or "join a group" but there isn't a gang of best mates just sitting around the corner waiting to click with me. It really isn't that easy I'm afraid. When you're 9 you can just go up to another 9 year old and say "hi shall we be friends?" and they'll go on a bike ride or swap some football stickers or something and that's it, best friends. When you're pushing 40 it's a bit different!

Wow it sounds really nice where you live . I’m jealous lol ! I hate living we’re I do . Would love to get up and go but can’t move my sons school at the moment ☹️

I'm yet another one who thinks you write really well, OP. So many people on this thread have said so. Have you ever considered trying to write something for publication?

It's something I'm always meaning to get around to, but I wouldn't even know where to start and surely if you're a natural writer it would come... naturally? A blog? Don't even really know what one is to be honest. If I wrote about my own thoughts and feelings it would have to be completely anonymous. People in real life would be stunned if they knew this was me.

Other than my Mum, nobody actually knows what I went through last year - and that's how I want it to stay.

You could sell your house and buy a canal boat. A few of my pals did that, even with kids, and they love it

Fuck that. They are amazing but they are no investment, hence why I'd only buy one if money wasn't an issue. Someone on here called a boat a "Bung On Another Thousand" 🤣

Has anyone given you feedback (for lack of a better word) on the bit you put on your profile? I think a lot of people can relate to feeling the same about it being too exhausting.

My dating profile is pretty blunt, definitely not ladylike. But I'm not ladylike so why bother lying? If they don't like it ah well. Fuck them. I imagine loads of people swipe left on me. But I don't want a thousand men who spend their lives in Indonesia or Bali or whatever. Those pictures where they're hanging off a cliff or skydiving to show everyone how awesome they are. Just one normal boring guy who's happy with a pizza, some adult conversation and a game of darts please!

I have a husband and we don't go out anywhere together I end up going to any occasion alone or with my children, and when he does come which is in a blue moon, he's miserable and just spoils the day. Most of the time I force him to come out don't know why I bother because it just spoils my day. He even asked what I want to do for my 40th birthday and I said I want to spend a family day out by the beach, and it did happen, as me the children when to do sight seeing or anything just watch the waves I don't care, he stood there like the feeling of are you done yet!! What the crap is that might aswell have not come. I feel I am a single parent because anywhere I go, I go alone or with my friend. So sometimes maybe its better not to get married and have that commitment and tie the not bullshit you can still be together just not on paper. So please don't anyone feel lonely because sometimes even if your in a relationship your alone.

But I don't want a thousand men who spend their lives in Indonesia or Bali or whatever. Those pictures where they're hanging off a cliff or skydiving to show everyone how awesome they are. Just one normal boring guy who's happy with a pizza, some adult conversation and a game of darts please!

OMG yes to this!

You are not too independent. Men love it! They do not want to do anything for woman like take her out and pay or help with problems in her life. They want someone to hang out with, fuck and live out Thier porn fantasies and be pampered with no ties and certainly no expense.

Men BRAG about the woman who pay for them and treat them like Kings ...

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this Op. I hope my story offers a slightly different take. I remember very acutely feeling invisible, fed up, emotionally empty.

I'm a solo mother by choice and had my son via IVF and a sperm donation last year.

I realised that time was running out to go and date/find someone (again) who I fancy, they fancy me back, moving in, TTC conversation, actually TTC etc etc...I was really tired of the whole relationship "escalator" which I had been doing for almost 20 years and unfortunately including a brief marriage, none of it worked out.

I always knew I wanted a family so aged 39 I wanted to try and have a child in my own without the complexities and complications of a romantic relationship. It is the best decision I've made. I'm genuinely fulfilled, no longer feel the existential dread of "will the next guy approve of me". It's so liberating not to feel a slave to OLD anymore. At least for me with the added pressure of declining fertility in my late 30s, I can categorical say the period of 36-38 was the most anxiety provoking time of my life. I was so miserable and despondent.

Yes, being a solo parent is tough at times, but now 6 months in, I feel a deep sense of contentment, love, confident about the future and in control of my situation and life then I ever have before. I'm not bothered/feel indifferent now about meeting someone. I no longer feel inadequate about where I am in life. In theory I'm open to meeting someone in the future but having my son has been an emotional and psychological shift in a completely different direction and I'm very grateful for that.

Is having a child (ren) important to you Op @MoreShit123

What about a drastic move to the coast so you can join the local RNLI? Not jumping out of a plane but something you are interested in, combined with a sense of community? Just a thought.

Men BRAG about the woman who pay for them and treat them like Kings ...

But these types of men aren't generally the ones most women who have high standards date.

Being back on the OLD scene and wary that it's only going to get harder the further up my 30s I go, I've been genuinely trying to understand where I've gone wrong and how I can try a different approach without acting or pretending to be what I'm not.

What I've learned is that my biggest mistake was thinking that the traits I looked for and was attracted to in a man where the same traits that kind of man would find attractive in a woman. So if he's educated I should be, and I should definitely tell him about my very important career and mention the successful business I started because I'd like him to be somewhat similar, and I really fancy a dry / dark sense of humour so I should really push that part of me so he thinks we're compatible. In OPs case all the people saying they love her writing and sense of humour and they would definitely date her, and I feel the same, but OPs probably not looking for a 25-40yo female mumsnetter who finds that kinda IDGAF dare I say masculine sense of humour clever and attractive.

And that's sorta where I think OPs mum (and the many people who say it) are half right. It's not about changing who you are - it's about the way you choose to frame things. What does the man I really want actually want?

Earlier on OP said she couldn't bring herself to come across as needy and I've always thought similar but actually, who doesn't like to feel needed and wanted? "Needy" doesn't have to be the poor me / damsel in distress act, and it doesn't have to be unhealthy. The last relationship I had we remained friends and I saw that he'd gotten straight into a relationship with someone after he'd told me he wasn't ready for one. This was what flicked the switch in my brain - what am I doing wrong here? Why doesn't he want me? I'm all the things you should absolutely want. I don't need your money or your house or your car, I don't need you here every night because I have all my own stuff. I've done everything right!!!

So I just asked him. Explained I didn't want this to keep happening and could he please just tell me honestly about her and does he have reasons why she was relationship material and I wasn't. To cut a very long story short she made him feel wanted and needed and I just didn't do that enough. He didn't actually give a fuck about her min wage job or her little rented bedsit in comparison to the way she made him feel.

People will say oh well he was obviously intimidated by a real woman or insecure etc but I've known him for years and that couldn't be further from the truth. He was a catch. HVM. The type we all want to meet. And he wanted someone who I, as a woman, thought I was better than but who (to put it bluntly) was more typically female than me.

The people who want independent 30-something intellectual engineers like me are the ones I'd been dating who turned into total leeches. They would never step up because I'd basically made it clear they didn't have to. I worked full time and I built the Ikea Kallax on Saturdays while he stroked my ego and told me how amazing I was, and I felt like such a trailblazer, GO FEMINISM, fuck the patriarchy I can do everything a man can do and I won't change.... until I woke up at 30 and realised that actually, the thing I always wanted more than anything was a happy marriage and a modest home and happy children. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be wanted. And the men who I wanted that with want a wife, a companion, a safe space, a warm body, a good mother, and not some combination of mate / business partner / career manager / fun / I don't need anybody / modern woman I thought I needed to be to land him.

Very long (sorry!) but that's my 2c from someone who is in the same boat and trying to figure WTF I'm doing with my life. Lockdown alone was probably the lowest point in my life, and has really put into perspective what is actually important to me. I want to try my best to make sure I don't ever have to do that again.

☝🏻🎯

You know your value otherwise you would settle for just anyone. That is not a bad trait - it's a bloody awesome one. I think maybe you should start telling people how you feel - maybe you come across standoffish on that topic and people are afraid to comment on a single friend they might have that might suit you - by fear of offending you.

By not being honest with people you're not connecting either which might make you feel disconnected. Open yourself up - it's amazing and brave.

You sound so cool op. You'll find your person.

If you're in the Midlands come and join Make New Friends. There's all sorts of meet ups every week in a variety of venues. Not everyone is single but all are looking to do stuff that their usual friends can't or won't do.
I could have written your posts. I've given up looking. Happy in my own skin, on my own. At least you have youth on your side !! At 61 I've become invisible.

This was difficult to read - but I agree with it. Brilliant post x