Fucking fed up with it

[MoreShit123]

Single as fuck, always have been other than a couple of disasters I was stupid enough to think would develop into a relationship. Been on my own most of the year. Hate zoom. Glossed the windows, did the kitchen up, did the garden, bought shit loads of clothes I only wear to work because there's fuck all else to do and I barely see anyone anyway even in normal times. All my friends have kids and partners and priorities of their own. I'm 36 and I've fallen through the cracks. Supposed to go on a date Saturday with some guy I've been chatting to online but that'll probably be sacked off depending on whatever fresh bullshit they announce today and to be honest I just can't imagine myself getting serious with someone online anyway it feels so forced, I'm doing it mainly to distract myself from previous heartbreak but also to see what the universe will throw my way if I meet it halfway and leave a door open. I'm lucky in a lot of ways, health work family money etc. I'm grateful. I know people have it much worse. But I'm lonely, I'm bored and there's nothing to look forward to, no unit of my own and nobody to share anything with. No-one to love and be proud of. Nobody of interest to talk to and swap stories and laugh with. Mental stimulation. Sick of going for a fucking walk. Sick of listening to music. I had my heart utterly smashed to pieces this year by another wanker who saw me as an "amazing" person and fun FWB but nothing real, I ended it and cut him off because as much as I loved and wanted him I won't put up with that so at least I can say I have self respect. I know I'm better off alone as shit as it is than in half a relationship with someone who undervalues me. But I'm still struggling with the failure of it. Yet another non starter AGAIN. I know I'm being a negative moaning old bastard but I feel like I just exist and there's just no real joy in anything. I'd love at least a good bunch of single friends to have a laugh and a drink with instead of feeling like the spare prick at a wedding all the time. I do have one friend who is in the same boat as me and we want to do lots of fun things like days out theme parks etc but she is in a different tier and the way things are fuck knows when that will happen. I'm fed up of constantly having to kick myself out of a depression and keep my chin up. I avoid certain people now as I get so irritated with them asking me if I've met anyone "yet". Just fuck off. I don't tell anyone in real life how I'm feeling because I'm so embarrassed that my life is this empty. It's just one long slog. I don't want counselling, I don't want medication, I don't want a lodger I want love and companionship. Yes I know having a partner doesn't define me. I know relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be. Neither is being constantly on my own. This year has been absolutely horrendous. I didn't even bother putting a tree up, what's the fucking point? So I can sit next to it with a glass of wine on my own giving Bridget Jones a good run for her money? The silver lining is my appetite is only big when I'm content so I'm losing weight and hopefully won't have fat thighs for much longer. Return of the size 12 jeans is on the horizon, maybe even 10 if I stop waterboarding my liver with Aldi's prosecco. No advice to be given really. Does anyone else ever feel just empty and irrelevant?

As @pog100 says, you write bloody well. You should start a blog. Bet it would go viral in no time!
Sorry but I don't have the answer for you...I live on my own (with my dog) and much prefer it that way, not having to feel as if I am walking on eggshells most of the time or running behind someone like a full-time fucking maid or nanny!!!
Start that blog so you're not dwelling as much on things that are out of your control.

Lovely writing style OP.

I hope things have improved.

You sound like such a catch.

@MoreShit123

Snap on the Christmas Day comment, I got two pigs in blankets down me before bursting into tears. It's just shit. I feel guilty on my parents because I know they just want me to be happy. I literally go to work all week, go for a walk in the evening and count down the days until the weekend is here so I can feel less ashamed about cracking a bottle open and taking the edge off. By the time I take the wheelie bin out there's enough clanging and banging in there to impersonate a brewery. Fuck knows what the neighbours think, I'll probably have the samaritans turning up on the doorstep following an anonymous phone call. I don't want children thankfully otherwise I'd be in even more of a state. I've never felt so alone, tragic and utterly bored shitless.

Same here but I', a lot older

How did your date go op?

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UPDATE

Well hello again! I didn't even realise there were more recent responses on here until I read them recently. I hope everyone who replied to this is doing well and I hope the people who related to me have moved a bit further on with their own journey to happiness. I have no amazing "Danielle Steel" ending to provide you with unfortunately. I thought I was low when I wrote the original post, unfortunately it was just the preview and I ended up having the most horrific breakdown for most of last year. The paramedic and I did hit it off and I started a relationship with him but looking back I knew from day one we weren't a good match and I never should have let it carry on. For some astonishing, inexplicable reason (due to the state I was in) the poor bastard fell for me so I gave it a good chance but ended it after a few months as he just wasn't for me. I sound like one of those spoilt airheads don't I? Who moans about never being treated right then a nice guy comes along and I don't want him?! I wanted it to grow... but in the end he was far too full on and over the top for me so I sent him on his way. I'm doing better this year though and I think I'm starting to feel stronger. I've not quit smoking but I only have a few on the weekend now with (much less!) wine. So I'm not doing perfect but I'm doing a bit better. I've lost over two stone in weight, the Fat Thighs are a thing of the past. I'm back to having just the one chin and I've had around 30 people tell me how well I'm looking, so that's nice. I am still pretty much alone but I've taken up a bunch of new hobbies and I generally live a much more active life now. As for the things that are missing in my life... fuck it. Sometimes you just have to accept things are shit and there's only so much we ourselves can do to intervene. It's sometimes just the luck of the draw. I'll just keep doing what I can, trying to be good etc etc. After the darkness of 2021 I'm just grateful for a calmer, quieter year and well... if the universe wants to throw me any nice surprises then so it will. Speaking of a more active life I'm currently on couch to 5k week 6... never thought I could run! Couldn't run a fucking bath last year. So on that note... time to pull out the trainers 🏃‍♀️

Nice one OP 👍 Good luck!

Wow OP I’m exactly where you were and was expecting an update of how you’d met the one and are now settled. But I’m even more impressed with your life now and you have given me inspiration so thank you💐

Sorry to hear you had a rough year last year @MoreShit123 . Great to hear you've made such positive changes. Well done on the weight loss 👌

Fuck me, thanks for the compliment but I really wouldn't be too impressed lol! I'm still the spare prick. But a skinny one... every cloud ☁️

This is such an inspirational update - thanks so much OP!!!

I was exactly the same as you in 2020, so depressed, drinking, had enough etc. I'm not quite where you're at yet with weight loss and new hobbies, but I've definitely reduced my drinking.

It's sooo nice to hear how different your mindset is to two years ago!

Find a job where you can work internationally! Much more of a single/ friends scene and it's a lot of fun for single people.
I'm about to have a baby and I feel like I'm the lonely and isolated one because most of my friends (early/mid 30's and 40's) are out most weekends at bars and things like that.

Nah. I'm not into travelling. I mean I love the odd trip to Majorca with one of those fancy umbrella Del Boy cocktails but I wouldn't want to go abroad long term. I have a beautiful little house and I love it here. I'm a home bird. As my dating profile said "If you want to spend your life swimming with dolphins and lobbing yourself out of planes crack on, but you're too exhausting for me and I'm far too fucking boring for you!" An Instagram loud life ain't for me petal x

I'm a home bird too MoreShit123 I've been in my dressing gown at home for the past two days! But I want to be more active again, just like you, I do enjoy it. I only managed to get to week 5 of Couch to 5k so you are doing better than me! Keep it up. You sound happy and busy with good things. That's where I want to get to. Sorry it didn't work out with the paramedic. We are the same age by the way! I'm dreading getting back on online dating. Have you joined any walking/running groups? I'm told that's a good way to meet people (men).

"Happy" is definitely pushing it. Don't overestimate my update. But I'm trying my best and I'm not moping and hitting self destruct as much as I was (I admit I've fallen off the wagon a bit this weekend... but it's for Liz!) 😄 I think eventually when you go through what I went through last year - and fuck me it was frightening - you either go under and end up morphing into a full time tragedy. Or you pull your shit together, slap yourself across the face and realise you're too good to keep on living like that. So it's an ongoing "workshop" if you like and believe me I still fuck it up sometimes, but overall I'm improving. My Mum said so... and Mum's are always right! I could have been selfish and carried it on with a relationship with someone I didn't love. Or I could have been weak and carried on with the one before that who didn't love me back. But I made the right decision walking away from both and I will NEVER regret either decision. If it's not right and it's not an equal, healthy relationship - get the fuck out.

Someone said up thread something about learning to enjoy life on your own and then if you meet someone it's a bonus etc. They got roasted a little bit, do you still feel the same way about what they said? For me it's the bottom line but it's such a cliche the message obviously loses meaning. I'm a bit further passed the nervous breakdown and suddenly some of these cliches really hit home. Mostly for me "you have to love yourself" ... which makes my toes curl and my eyes roll. But it's true I do and until I can (I can't yet but I'm aware I need to) or at least tolerate myself lots of things are a waste of bloody energy. Can you sit quietly and listen to your own thoughts without reaching for food, alcohol, tech to distract you? That's where I've started, I've spent a life keeping my mind busy from my own thoughts. It's hard, working on yourself is exhausting and it's so much easier to reach for a distraction and bat off the cliches but I think that comment was the best advice on the thread.

Catching up on this thread and smiling. Thank you all. Life can throw some crap at us and it can we be depressing and overwhelming. I'm sat in a cafe alone on a bank holiday and see couples and families all around me. But, we never know what is going on behind closed doors. Not all these people will be happy. Being single can be lonely, but so can being in a relationship.

I absolutely believe you should be able to live life on your own, to enjoy things and have your OWN hobbies and interests etc. To like your own company and respect yourself. That's perfectly healthy and non co-dependant. I have friends who have to have a friend stay over if their husband is on night shifts, or they can't even sit and eat a meal in a restaurant alone. It makes my shit itch. I find it SO pathetic. But when people say "other people can't make you happy"? Oh fuck off. Of course someone else can make you happy! You can't fall in love with your own reflection can you?! Twats. We are human, we are conditioned to love. If there's a big gaping hole in your heart that can only be filled by feeling like you're sharing a life with a loving partner, there's no shame in admitting that. It doesn't mean you can't cope on your own. It doesn't mean you can't live your life around it. But it does mean that no matter how many friends you make or dogs you have or night classes you sign up for, that hole will not be filled without finding a unit of your own. With another person. Who will make you happy! 🙄

Nobody is perfect OP! We all have our ups and downs and strengths and drawbacks. Some more than others. You sound absolutely wonderful by the way. True to yourself, great self awareness and a lot of fun 😊

On the plus side OP, you can be as selfish as you like. I've forgotten what it feels like to consider a partners needs, I've been single for a few years now. I cannot imagine sharing my home again (apart from with my sons of course)

This is a lovely update and you are an inspiration as I feel somewhat like you did last year.

I remember being at my most crazy and dating and having no respect for the people who were willing to date me because I was so obviously broken. I think often people hope a relationship is going to fix their problems and I 100% did. Actually I wasn't broken nothing has ever been broken I wasn't assembled correctly but I didn't know I wasn't assembled correctly I just assumed my issues/problems were because I wasn't very nice. Enough about me - no crystal balls here and there's no guarantees you will meet someone but it sounds like you'll recognise a decent fit when you do.

Drinking and what sounds like the hanging 'I'm going to die alone and not be discovered for ten years' fear isn't exactly going to help you feel any better. There are few people more self pitying and resentful then the morbidly hungover on a Sunday afternoon. Except for those who carry it on into alcoholism, that is.

Get some lucosade and a bacon roll down you and you'll feel slightly less shit about the entire world. Then look at knocking the booze on the head for a while because you're drinking for all the wrong reasons.

It won't fix everything, but at least you won't have a liver gradually turning into foie gras whilst you look for things that give you more of a natural high (yes, exercise - bastarding stuff makes me feel fucking amazing, as much as I hate to admit it) and get some fresh air and daylight.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I think you missed the OPs update.
I'm happy OP you have come a long way - keep it going!

Hi. I’m extremely lonely and I have children . Just so you know it’s not always about having kids or not. I have no friends and have been single for 5 years . I spend nearly all my time alone as all my kids want to do is stay in there rooms. It’s very difficult being this lonely especially when everyone else is with family / friends etc . If anyone fancies a chat feel free to message me !