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Original poster

Fucking fed up with it

150 replies

MoreShit123 · 30/12/2020 14:47

Single as fuck, always have been other than a couple of disasters I was stupid enough to think would develop into a relationship. Been on my own most of the year. Hate zoom. Glossed the windows, did the kitchen up, did the garden, bought shit loads of clothes I only wear to work because there's fuck all else to do and I barely see anyone anyway even in normal times. All my friends have kids and partners and priorities of their own. I'm 36 and I've fallen through the cracks. Supposed to go on a date Saturday with some guy I've been chatting to online but that'll probably be sacked off depending on whatever fresh bullshit they announce today and to be honest I just can't imagine myself getting serious with someone online anyway it feels so forced, I'm doing it mainly to distract myself from previous heartbreak but also to see what the universe will throw my way if I meet it halfway and leave a door open. I'm lucky in a lot of ways, health work family money etc. I'm grateful. I know people have it much worse. But I'm lonely, I'm bored and there's nothing to look forward to, no unit of my own and nobody to share anything with. No-one to love and be proud of. Nobody of interest to talk to and swap stories and laugh with. Mental stimulation. Sick of going for a fucking walk. Sick of listening to music. I had my heart utterly smashed to pieces this year by another wanker who saw me as an "amazing" person and fun FWB but nothing real, I ended it and cut him off because as much as I loved and wanted him I won't put up with that so at least I can say I have self respect. I know I'm better off alone as shit as it is than in half a relationship with someone who undervalues me. But I'm still struggling with the failure of it. Yet another non starter AGAIN. I know I'm being a negative moaning old bastard but I feel like I just exist and there's just no real joy in anything. I'd love at least a good bunch of single friends to have a laugh and a drink with instead of feeling like the spare prick at a wedding all the time. I do have one friend who is in the same boat as me and we want to do lots of fun things like days out theme parks etc but she is in a different tier and the way things are fuck knows when that will happen. I'm fed up of constantly having to kick myself out of a depression and keep my chin up. I avoid certain people now as I get so irritated with them asking me if I've met anyone "yet". Just fuck off. I don't tell anyone in real life how I'm feeling because I'm so embarrassed that my life is this empty. It's just one long slog. I don't want counselling, I don't want medication, I don't want a lodger I want love and companionship. Yes I know having a partner doesn't define me. I know relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be. Neither is being constantly on my own. This year has been absolutely horrendous. I didn't even bother putting a tree up, what's the fucking point? So I can sit next to it with a glass of wine on my own giving Bridget Jones a good run for her money? The silver lining is my appetite is only big when I'm content so I'm losing weight and hopefully won't have fat thighs for much longer. Return of the size 12 jeans is on the horizon, maybe even 10 if I stop waterboarding my liver with Aldi's prosecco. No advice to be given really. Does anyone else ever feel just empty and irrelevant?

OP posts:
ToastedWaffle · 06/06/2022 19:08

ringalingling · 06/06/2022 06:14

Men BRAG about the woman who pay for them and treat them like Kings ...

But these types of men aren't generally the ones most women who have high standards date.

Being back on the OLD scene and wary that it's only going to get harder the further up my 30s I go, I've been genuinely trying to understand where I've gone wrong and how I can try a different approach without acting or pretending to be what I'm not.

What I've learned is that my biggest mistake was thinking that the traits I looked for and was attracted to in a man where the same traits that kind of man would find attractive in a woman. So if he's educated I should be, and I should definitely tell him about my very important career and mention the successful business I started because I'd like him to be somewhat similar, and I really fancy a dry / dark sense of humour so I should really push that part of me so he thinks we're compatible. In OPs case all the people saying they love her writing and sense of humour and they would definitely date her, and I feel the same, but OPs probably not looking for a 25-40yo female mumsnetter who finds that kinda IDGAF dare I say masculine sense of humour clever and attractive.

And that's sorta where I think OPs mum (and the many people who say it) are half right. It's not about changing who you are - it's about the way you choose to frame things. What does the man I really want actually want?

Earlier on OP said she couldn't bring herself to come across as needy and I've always thought similar but actually, who doesn't like to feel needed and wanted? "Needy" doesn't have to be the poor me / damsel in distress act, and it doesn't have to be unhealthy. The last relationship I had we remained friends and I saw that he'd gotten straight into a relationship with someone after he'd told me he wasn't ready for one. This was what flicked the switch in my brain - what am I doing wrong here? Why doesn't he want me? I'm all the things you should absolutely want. I don't need your money or your house or your car, I don't need you here every night because I have all my own stuff. I've done everything right!!!

So I just asked him. Explained I didn't want this to keep happening and could he please just tell me honestly about her and does he have reasons why she was relationship material and I wasn't. To cut a very long story short she made him feel wanted and needed and I just didn't do that enough. He didn't actually give a fuck about her min wage job or her little rented bedsit in comparison to the way she made him feel.

People will say oh well he was obviously intimidated by a real woman or insecure etc but I've known him for years and that couldn't be further from the truth. He was a catch. HVM. The type we all want to meet. And he wanted someone who I, as a woman, thought I was better than but who (to put it bluntly) was more typically female than me.

The people who want independent 30-something intellectual engineers like me are the ones I'd been dating who turned into total leeches. They would never step up because I'd basically made it clear they didn't have to. I worked full time and I built the Ikea Kallax on Saturdays while he stroked my ego and told me how amazing I was, and I felt like such a trailblazer, GO FEMINISM, fuck the patriarchy I can do everything a man can do and I won't change.... until I woke up at 30 and realised that actually, the thing I always wanted more than anything was a happy marriage and a modest home and happy children. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be wanted. And the men who I wanted that with want a wife, a companion, a safe space, a warm body, a good mother, and not some combination of mate / business partner / career manager / fun / I don't need anybody / modern woman I thought I needed to be to land him.

Very long (sorry!) but that's my 2c from someone who is in the same boat and trying to figure WTF I'm doing with my life. Lockdown alone was probably the lowest point in my life, and has really put into perspective what is actually important to me. I want to try my best to make sure I don't ever have to do that again.

I'm in the same boat too.

Reading this it does read as though you have to change who you are to bag a man. If you like building ikea furniture (who doesn't?) Why should you have to change that? And how does one go about it? You can't fake being incapable.

puddlesofmothers · 07/06/2022 00:00

ringalingling · 06/06/2022 06:14

Men BRAG about the woman who pay for them and treat them like Kings ...

But these types of men aren't generally the ones most women who have high standards date.

Being back on the OLD scene and wary that it's only going to get harder the further up my 30s I go, I've been genuinely trying to understand where I've gone wrong and how I can try a different approach without acting or pretending to be what I'm not.

What I've learned is that my biggest mistake was thinking that the traits I looked for and was attracted to in a man where the same traits that kind of man would find attractive in a woman. So if he's educated I should be, and I should definitely tell him about my very important career and mention the successful business I started because I'd like him to be somewhat similar, and I really fancy a dry / dark sense of humour so I should really push that part of me so he thinks we're compatible. In OPs case all the people saying they love her writing and sense of humour and they would definitely date her, and I feel the same, but OPs probably not looking for a 25-40yo female mumsnetter who finds that kinda IDGAF dare I say masculine sense of humour clever and attractive.

And that's sorta where I think OPs mum (and the many people who say it) are half right. It's not about changing who you are - it's about the way you choose to frame things. What does the man I really want actually want?

Earlier on OP said she couldn't bring herself to come across as needy and I've always thought similar but actually, who doesn't like to feel needed and wanted? "Needy" doesn't have to be the poor me / damsel in distress act, and it doesn't have to be unhealthy. The last relationship I had we remained friends and I saw that he'd gotten straight into a relationship with someone after he'd told me he wasn't ready for one. This was what flicked the switch in my brain - what am I doing wrong here? Why doesn't he want me? I'm all the things you should absolutely want. I don't need your money or your house or your car, I don't need you here every night because I have all my own stuff. I've done everything right!!!

So I just asked him. Explained I didn't want this to keep happening and could he please just tell me honestly about her and does he have reasons why she was relationship material and I wasn't. To cut a very long story short she made him feel wanted and needed and I just didn't do that enough. He didn't actually give a fuck about her min wage job or her little rented bedsit in comparison to the way she made him feel.

People will say oh well he was obviously intimidated by a real woman or insecure etc but I've known him for years and that couldn't be further from the truth. He was a catch. HVM. The type we all want to meet. And he wanted someone who I, as a woman, thought I was better than but who (to put it bluntly) was more typically female than me.

The people who want independent 30-something intellectual engineers like me are the ones I'd been dating who turned into total leeches. They would never step up because I'd basically made it clear they didn't have to. I worked full time and I built the Ikea Kallax on Saturdays while he stroked my ego and told me how amazing I was, and I felt like such a trailblazer, GO FEMINISM, fuck the patriarchy I can do everything a man can do and I won't change.... until I woke up at 30 and realised that actually, the thing I always wanted more than anything was a happy marriage and a modest home and happy children. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be wanted. And the men who I wanted that with want a wife, a companion, a safe space, a warm body, a good mother, and not some combination of mate / business partner / career manager / fun / I don't need anybody / modern woman I thought I needed to be to land him.

Very long (sorry!) but that's my 2c from someone who is in the same boat and trying to figure WTF I'm doing with my life. Lockdown alone was probably the lowest point in my life, and has really put into perspective what is actually important to me. I want to try my best to make sure I don't ever have to do that again.

A man many years ago said to me that men are attracted to a women long term purely because how that women makes them feel. I wish he could have explained it how you just did, you're both right.

ringalingling · 07/06/2022 19:01

Reading this it does read as though you have to change who you are to bag a man. If you like building ikea furniture (who doesn't?) Why should you have to change that? And how does one go about it? You can't fake being incapable.

@ToastedWaffle

So I can't say I have it all figured out haha. But I think the conclusions I'm drawing is that the "traits" I have been leading with are attracting the men who are primarily attracted to those "traits" and they are the men I don't actually want long term.

I can't change the fact I'm a 30 something intellectual professional highly capable woman with a "more masculine" way about me. Nor do I want to change that. Nor should I have to.

But, I can swallow the hard reality that these things aren't what actually attract the type of man I want. I'm not saying they are necessarily the things that put them off either, but leading with them isn't going to help me any.

So I'm theorising that when dating, I need to keep this rather simplistic view that (as PP said) women are generally attracted to who the man is (capable, intelligent, successful, funny etc) and what the man has (education, a career, a good family, a general has-his-shit-together vibe with a home or car or whatever) while men - the kind of High Value Male I want - are generally less concerned with that stuff in comparison to the way a woman makes them feel.

Basically - why am I trying to push how capable I am when I am specifically looking for a capable man?? He's already capable, so he doesn't specifically need a capable woman does he 😂 pushing how capable I am as something that "sets me above the others" is more likely to attract a man who needs a capable woman. (You can change capability for basically any other trait and the analogy works).

Hope that clears it up a bit but like I said, I'm in the same boat as OP and still trying to figure it all out myself.

ToastedWaffle · 07/06/2022 22:35

ringalingling · 07/06/2022 19:01

Reading this it does read as though you have to change who you are to bag a man. If you like building ikea furniture (who doesn't?) Why should you have to change that? And how does one go about it? You can't fake being incapable.

@ToastedWaffle

So I can't say I have it all figured out haha. But I think the conclusions I'm drawing is that the "traits" I have been leading with are attracting the men who are primarily attracted to those "traits" and they are the men I don't actually want long term.

I can't change the fact I'm a 30 something intellectual professional highly capable woman with a "more masculine" way about me. Nor do I want to change that. Nor should I have to.

But, I can swallow the hard reality that these things aren't what actually attract the type of man I want. I'm not saying they are necessarily the things that put them off either, but leading with them isn't going to help me any.

So I'm theorising that when dating, I need to keep this rather simplistic view that (as PP said) women are generally attracted to who the man is (capable, intelligent, successful, funny etc) and what the man has (education, a career, a good family, a general has-his-shit-together vibe with a home or car or whatever) while men - the kind of High Value Male I want - are generally less concerned with that stuff in comparison to the way a woman makes them feel.

Basically - why am I trying to push how capable I am when I am specifically looking for a capable man?? He's already capable, so he doesn't specifically need a capable woman does he 😂 pushing how capable I am as something that "sets me above the others" is more likely to attract a man who needs a capable woman. (You can change capability for basically any other trait and the analogy works).

Hope that clears it up a bit but like I said, I'm in the same boat as OP and still trying to figure it all out myself.

That's fair enough, but I fail to see how it is "pushing being capable" if that is your natural self. You can't choose to lead with this trait or not when it's so apparent it is who you are.

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 09/06/2022 08:01

I find it a bit bizarre that women are using the term ‘high value man/male’ un-ironically on this thread. Isn’t that a manosphere term touted by charlatan dating gurus?

Maybe you’re putting men off because you want them for their ‘high value’ rather than their personality or the way they make you feel? Even when picking them for their looks would be preferable IMO.

idrinkandiknowthings · 09/06/2022 14:18

This is most definitely me. When my teenager leaves home I'll be talking to the cats and the houseplants.

ringalingling · 09/06/2022 14:42

@Hadenoughofthisbullshit Genuinely didn't know it was a monosphere thing, I heard it / read it on The Female Dating Strategy on reddit which is hated by incels and misogynist forum wide - I thought they were the ones who were using it ironically haha!

To me that is their high value though. It's not monetary or job or assets or looks etc. I've been with all sorts and the only one I'd class as a 'high value' male was a bus driver who drove a corsa and lived in a one bed flat, and I wasn't even attracted to him on the first date. But he was funny, capable, made me feel doted on and supported, bigged me up, trustworthy, great in bed etc. Wish I'd married him Grin but I was quite young and naive and didn't know at the time what I had. I guess I hadn't considered how relatively rare / hard to find 'they' were.

I just used HVM as a very general term for "a catch" - whatever that is to you. (I'm probably using "a catch" ironically too but IDK WTF to call it haha!)

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 09/06/2022 20:48

Well I’m sorry than @ringalingling the only people I’d heard use it were FreshandFit* and I don’t think they’re capable of irony.

*I wouldn’t google if you don’t know.

frozendaisy · 09/06/2022 21:02

I think this labelling, dissecting and generalising of what men and women are and want is so stunting.

Surely it all boils down to wanting to share this journey of life with someone who makes our life better than being single.

Original poster
MoreShit123 · 25/12/2022 20:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Hope you're all doing well. I'm in a much better place these days... not perfect. But good enough 🤟 seasons greetings darlings xx 😘

OP posts:
LauraM25 · 25/12/2022 21:03

Merry Christmas! I read this entire thread. You are a fantastic writer - you have VOICE! Keep writing, start a blog, post it here, I will read it for sure. I think it might also be a very fulfilling avenue for you to pursue. Anyone who writes as well as you must have a calling for it in some way

Tolatetotheparty · 25/12/2022 21:19

Great to hear things are a bit better for you. Merry Christmas x

OldFan · 26/12/2022 01:03

Yay! Glad you're doing better OP xx

Oodlesandoodles · 26/12/2022 08:13

You sound like an amazing person. The other side of the coin is better to be single than going out with an arsehole, who will suck the life out of you.

ZaphodDent · 26/12/2022 09:08

That's great news! Any particular reasons why you're feeling happier these days?

Original poster
MoreShit123 · 26/12/2022 09:14

ZaphodDent · 26/12/2022 09:08

That's great news! Any particular reasons why you're feeling happier these days?

Yes. I've officially retired from relationships, sex, men, the whole lot. I'm now accepting of the fact I am by myself and instead of beating myself up over it, it's finally occurred to me that actually - there's nobody out there who's company I prefer than my own anyway!

OP posts:
OldFan · 26/12/2022 11:28

That's great @MoreShit123 . I learned to like my own company too. Covid helped cos we had less of a choice and had to get used to it.

Goatbilly · 26/12/2022 14:34

MoreShit123 · 26/12/2022 09:14

Yes. I've officially retired from relationships, sex, men, the whole lot. I'm now accepting of the fact I am by myself and instead of beating myself up over it, it's finally occurred to me that actually - there's nobody out there who's company I prefer than my own anyway!

Show quote history

Are you wanting children Op?

Original poster
MoreShit123 · 26/12/2022 14:35

Goatbilly · 26/12/2022 14:34

Are you wanting children Op?

Show quote history

Nope, never been maternal

OP posts:
xfan · 26/12/2022 16:28

If not maternal, most men don't have much use

chevvyroo · 27/12/2022 14:01

Hi OP. You really do write well, can you turn your experiences into book or blog?

Over the decades, I was nearly always single. I only met someone decent at 48, luckily I didn't want kids. I did experience a lot of the shite you mention, especially the "are you still single" questions from various knobheads. On the whole though, I enjoyed singledom and could go it again if needed. Not the same as you I appreciate.

Grin at "water boarding my liver with Aldi Proseccco".

banannabreadforme · 27/12/2022 15:00

You sound like you need to meet some new people and make some new friends. I've found volunteering to be great for opening new doors. 2 hours a week after work, a kids club or food bank and you'll cross paths with people you wouldn't have met at work. Also attending an adult course helps you to meet others. Grown up clubs such as reading groups, running clubs, a choir?
I'm sorry your feeling low. Xmas is often the time feelings reach boiling point. Your almost required to be happy. You won't feel like this forever. You are able to change your life path. I wish you all the best for the new year.

Militarywife7 · 27/12/2022 20:42

Sorry to hear that you’re going through this, it’s a shame you don’t have any single friends as your sense of humour sounds great. I can’t even imagine being single these days with all the apps etc I never enjoyed dating, it was always so disappointing when they turned out to be yet another weirdo! I got lucky in the end thankfully. This might sound a bit strange but could you join a group like a gym class etc you’re more likely to meet single friends there. I would more focus on trying to improve my own lifestyle before giving all my energy to dating, it’s a nightmare to navigate at the best of times!

Original poster
MoreShit123 · 30/12/2022 19:36

Happy New Year for tomorrow everyone! I hope it brings you all prosperity, peace... and absolute fucking perfection. Thank you all xx 💕

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreShit123 · 30/12/2022 19:37

As in tomorrow after midnight I meant 🙈

OP posts:
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