No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

I am finding it hard not to get sucked in. We have to co parent and it was his weekly FaceTime yesterday. He was quizzing them about whether I had been keeping up with their schooling and promising them expensive presents. This is early days for me, I think in future I will be elsewhere when he calls...

@BoredOfItAll that man sounds very much like the man I’m trying to go NC with.

I asked him straight why the sudden discarding of me. Seen and Ignored. I’m hurt because we were supposed to be really close friends and he’s discarded me totally without reason.

Except there is a reason- he’s clearly seeing someone else. I’ve always juggled his needs within my busy life. I’m seeing him for the prominently narcissistic man I believe he is. I’m trying to put the other version of him to back of head. That’s the one I fell in love with.

@Bearsinmotion
yes I have to co-parent with someone like that. He promised them a new XBox for Xmas, despite having no money to buy them one and giving me no maintenance in 4 years. Being ASD they took him at his word. But they also didn't want one (phew...). Both noticed (for the first time, age 16 & 13)) what he did tho - it's a long haul. But he is not my NC, I just hate him I'm afraid for his lack of support for his kids.

@2021sunshine
yes, seen and ignored when and because you don't supply their current needs. My NC, now he is older, is quite open about it (now). But I got sucked in by who he presented as for quite a while. And the tail of that is like a long comet, slow to fade. It is NOT who he is. It is like a grief, letting go of someone (who never existed). I didn't imagine 'him' - he worked very hard to present 'him', just not sustainably.

Oh, he has the money, he will get it for them because it’s a grand gesture he can put on Facebook. Contributing to the cost of DD’s club, which she has done for years and has kept her going throughout lockdown, not so much.

There are some awful men out there. Sorry you're going through awful stuff.

I'm feeling more positive today. I just need to move on and not contact him anymore. I've had a message saying he doesn't want me to think he doesn't love me ... doesn't help 🤷‍♀️

I've realised his negative outlook and lack of motivation have been dragging me down for five years. I need to pick myself up and get on with life. I'd really like to work again.

Right, starting again with NC.... lasted all of 48 hours last time. not being made any easier by a positive covid test and now isolating for 10 days

Any room for a little one?
Day 3. Anytime I feel myself thinking about him I flick an elastic band around my wrist.

Hello @TableDesk yes of course there is room for another.
the elastic band is a CBT thing, isn't it? do you find it helpful?

Hey just updating.. Day 13 and nothing.. Just goes to show how much you mean to them doesnt it..

@Ntwa

Hey just updating.. Day 13 and nothing.. Just goes to show how much you mean to them doesnt it..

That's the really upsetting thing Shows also how much we boost their ego chasing them

@wetasstenalady I've tried so many times to 'move us on' I will not be told time after time I'm in the wrong.. Yet if he's so right where is he trying?! Sigh.

I've posted before under another name. Just back to say I'm back to starting again. Made contact tonight because I knew he wasn't well. Now I feel so sad, because he won't discuss even meeting to talk I'm so fed up of feeling this way. When does it get easier? He won't even give me closure because he just says he can't think, but when I ask if we can talk maybe when he feels better he says he doesn't know. I feel like I'm waiting all the time.

@MissLI it's really hard I know.. Why don't you set yourself a time frame and if he hasn't got in touch then that's that? Easier said than done but if not you'll always be sat waiting x

That's a good idea, thanks.

Is it only me, that thinks the thread ( well the beginning is really odd)

Don’t talk to people if you don’t like them

If they’re already not talking to you, they won’t notice.

Enjoy your life, and forget about them.

Don’t post crappy posts on Facebook or similar, saying how you’re done with negative people in your life. Just don’t.

@52andblue been following this thread but like poster above why? 30 years contact with someone you have put up with for that length of time ? why? Have you been trying all those years ? Just stop?

Hi @FlirtyForty
No, not for 30 years. First met 30 years ago. Had a thing then. Long Gap.
re-met 4 years ago. Been considering NC last months /since l'down.

@EmeraldGreenGlass
I think it is not that straightforward for some people/relationships.
Which is why I started a supportive thread.
(I have seen similar before on MNet)
I don't post on FB so can't comment on that.

@52andblue

Hi *@FlirtyForty* No, not for 30 years. First met 30 years ago. Had a thing then. Long Gap. re-met 4 years ago. Been considering NC last months /since l'down.

Flipping heck how on earth did you end up restarting after nearly 30 years ? Sorry if I'm being too personal but Im struggling so much with just knowing him about 18 months and trying to go NC. He's just no good for me but I need to stop.

Day 16..yesterday wasn't a good day.. I cried.. A LOT. I found muskwf thinking if things we'd done etc and having what felt like mini panic attacks (racing heart).. The realisation is kicking in and.its the worst feeling.
How's everyone else doing?

I really don’t want to sound patronising and I know you are all still going through this horrible time but as someone in the early stages of this some of your stories are genuinely inspiring. The strength and determination you have to see this through to reach a better place, just makes me think, actually, I can do this. Until now I have been able to hide behind a solicitor but now going it alone, and it really helps to see others get there, albeit baby steps sometimes.

I think it’s also important not to beat yourself up if you slip. If it was easy you wouldn’t be posting on here, it’s an unprecedented time and we’re all dealing with skilled emotional manipulators. So what if you send a text, or cry all day, or break a resolution for a glass of wine? You are not right back at the start, you just made a mistake. Tomorrow is another day.

So what if you think about him? It’s not important. You will think about hundreds of people in the day, Most of whom you’ll just forget about, why focus on one?

I like the idea of a reminder, like the elastic band, but why not make it positive? Find a charity he wouldn’t like, or something you want but he would hate, and mentally donate to it every time you think of him. DP was a militant vegetarian. Kids get chicken for tea every time he gets to me...

@bearsinmotion love your post, you're so right! Keep going, it's hard I know.

Hello I’m back. All my instincts were right. The identity has proven to be devastating. A mutual friend whose best friend he had a secret fling with virtually for years unless he got his way and then discarded her. The new victim doesn’t know this. She might now have received a watered down version. I’m horrified at his cold calculating ways but I know he’s targeted her for her vulnerabilities. He’s doing the full on charm offensive. All the red flags there but she’s so naive and been single for ages. She’s sooooooooo lovely. I knew I needed to challenge him on his ways and bring it to a head.

Last night I did that. Bumped into them. Of course I’m no doubt it’s obvious I’m the crazy married person he’d told her about. She really should know me better than that. She had been told by best friend the duration of it all with me. Shame she’s not prepared to tell her the truth of her own experience.

I think I needed to do this to make sure there was no return for him. I have wanted no contact for so long but I get draw back in.

I got blocked on what we message on this afternoon. Took much longer than I expected. That’s fine. Got a new number he didn’t know about due to phone issues. Sent him EVERYTHING I ever needed him to know. I’d written it in advance. Then blocked him on every single social media platform and avenue possible.

Day one starts tomorrow. It’s the rest of my life and an opportunity to get myself happy. Today I’m so tired and drained of it all. The tears have come and I hope I sleep tonight.

@2021sunshine sounds awful.. I think when reality hits you can deal with it better in ways.. Its when you're unsure or left in limbo.. Take 1 day at a time. I'm day 20 of NC not only from me but no effort whatsoever from him.. Very very sad.