No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

As for me. Had contact last night and today and feel shit. I know I’m being lied to. He’s being all nice but won’t reply to the request to meet up. That’s because he knows I’ll have questions and he can’t lie to my face.

But what’s the point. I just feel shitty and getting sucked back in. Tonight is our normal night to see each other. It’ll be hard.

I’ll be back to day 1 tomorrow no contact starts again.

@2021sunshine I'm so sorry you feel like this again. I hope you manage to go NC again if that's right for you.

I'm so scared to give the counsellor feedback. I think she'll argue against it. But the constant typing was distracting and I didn't feel she asked the right questions. I just didn't feel comfortable talking to her because right at the beginning she made me feel inadequate because she told me I should be working at my age As if I don't want to.

Ive just sent him a few slightly loaded messages. He’s been so unfair to me and I have so much else going on I could have done with his friendship. He can be the loveliest man and support ever. But only when he’s in the mood and I need more than that. I’m always there unconditionally for him yet don’t get the same in return.

@MsKL you have nothing to lose by giving her feedback. You don’t want to carry on with her so things will either end or get better. Perhaps email ask her to reflect on the feedback before your next session.

A counsellor really should be doing this anyway. Her comments about working sound like you got off to a bad start.

Can I ask what the counselling is focused on and where it stems from and how referred. It might be other services are more appropriate.

Thanks @2021sunshine. It was talking therapy, there's a few things I wanted to talk through that I can't shake off. But also how to rebuild my life and move on. I was referred by my support worker and I believe the counsellor works for MIND.

I think a relationship should mean you're there for each other all the time, so it's not fair if he isn't there for you.

Good morning.
How are we all today?
I have had an odd weekend.
I suppose I'm attempting NC with a few people in a way, some of whom I have to have regular contact with re my children, some I can true NC.
One 'true' NC since last autumn - will never contact / reply again.
One I will 'grey rock' as I now realise they are not who they seemed but don't actively cause me harm.
One is my exH who I have to have contact with re kids. I find him utterly exhausting but he is (now) not 'dangerous' to my wellbeing.
One I have sporadic contact re the kids with but IS dangerous to my wellbeing so is my 'main' NC and I guess the reason I started this thread as a place for mutual support.

To have so many 'NC' options in my life seems like carelessness (or maybe I'm hard work!) but I think that its that this 'landmark' b'day plus chance to reflect over lockdown etc has made me realise that I'm not for everybody and everybody is not for me and that's really OK!!!

It is really hard to maintain boundaries if you've had issues for any reason and almost impossible to rebuild them if they've been totally lost in any relationship I think. Distance (NC!) is the only thing that might sort it but for me I think it is a case of letting go - of my expectations / my feelings / my anger / my lonliness. The only way to do that is to FEEL my way through them whilst maintaining my distance. It's hard but we are worth the work. Sending love to you all x

Morning all!
52 I get how you feel.. I had to do it with a good friend a few years ago, turned out to be not who I thought and was hard to tell myself that.
Currently day 10 of not hearing from me dp.. Just T recap I told him I didn't want a weekend relationship after 4 years of having what I felt were excuses.. When he did finally pull his finger out corona hit and it was all bad timing.. His lack of enthusiasm also shouted volumes.
I'm very sad today.. Feels like such a massive loss and waste of what was a pretty good 4 years with someone who I thought I had a future with

@Ntwa
Yes, I get the sunk cost analogy well.
Would it help to think of it as 'at least I'm not potentially wasting another 4 years?' you are only really 'losing' what he can reliably offer which is not enough by the sounds of it?

Hi all!

@52andblue as well as the AP I also went NC last year with someone I thought was a friend and turned out not to be. They were clearly using me. They then turned up with a Christmas present for me after months of not speaking, weird. Now back to the NC, strange situation!

As for the AP, I messaged him yesterday and got a reply last night. I am determined not to reply, nothing to do with the reply, I am just not feeling it for some reason, maybe I have finally come to my senses! Let's hope!

I lost the plot last night and sent a lot of angry messages , got into a discussion. Don't know where I stand now, think we need to keep discussing it for now as lots to clear up. Feel very upset and confused

Hope everyone else is ok.

ah, @MsKL
that sounds like hard work xx

@mskl hope you get things sorted out x

@mskl hope it is all OK.
Day 10 for me.. Don't know how I'm feeling really.. Dissapointed and sad mainly

Thanks for the kind messages. It didn't go well, I got really upset, but after talking to a really good friend realised that getting back together is not the right thing to do. So back to square one for me. It's going to be hard. I need new ways to distract myself. I'm not working and my kids are all grown up so I'm alone.

@MsKL sometimes it takes 1 last attempt to know. Least you tried and now know. Very hard I agree.. I also have grown up kids and it can feel like you're on your own but you'll be OK.. Telling myself that!

@Ntwa I agree that 'sometimes it takes 1 last attempt to know'.
I've had a few 'last attempts' with my NC but at least I DO know now, that's the important thing (not how very long it took me to get there...)

@MsKL Yes I know what you mean about feeling alone. I have two teens with Autism. I don't just feel alone, I know I AM very alone but it is more honest and clean somehow than feeling alone with NC 'there'

How are we all today?
Virtual kettle is on, traybakes can be provided (not for me, on a diet!) x

I have been completely gaslighted over the past few weeks. He’s been telling me that he’s not seeing someone else but it’s all over Facebook. He would go to the extent of lying to my face just to keep me hanging on and not let me get over what was left of the relationship, which at best was stressful. We have talked for hours and hours on the phone about it but he just puts the phone down and heads out of the door to see someone else. He is a cold hearted bastard and I just want to get on with my life. Messaging him and talking to him just gives him the attention that he wants and does absolutely nothing for me. Yet I still get myself caught up in it. Jeez, what happened to me?!

Ah @BoredOfItAll so sorry to hear this - you sound stunned!
I think if you are chatting for hours and then he's waltzing out to see another then he's 'feeding off' you to support this life of his but giving you nothing (in fact taking lots of your emotional energy) in return.
Seeing that is hard and painful but essential to your moving on.

My NC was doing this with not one but TWO people. Extraordinary!!!
Alexandre Dumas said: 'The chain of a marriage is so heavy that it takes two to bear it, sometimes three'.
For marriage read any other r'ship / obsession etc ie THEIR stuff.
I don't have to hold someone else's chain anymore. My own is enough.

Thanks 52
It’s all clear as day now which I know will help in the long run. I just feel completely duped and gutted. A good friend of mine says it’s like being scammed.
Sounds like you are doing ok at the moment, on a bit of an upswing? You have a lot going on. I hope you keep strong

@52andblue I'm glad you feel ready in ways, even though it will never feel right. Being able to see it all in a different light makes it slightly easier.
I'm on day 11, I can't get my head round 4 years and nothing. Of course it is my decison to do this but you'd think he'd fight seeing as im seen as the best thing since sliced bread 🤔
Last night I had a meltdown at the thought of him with someone else.. Not good.

@boredofitall that's awful, so sorry to hear. Least you know he's a waste of time and you can allow him to carry on his crappy games elsewhere. Hugs.

Thanks @ntwa

The trouble is that he will keep me involved in his games. He is stonewalling me now because I called him out. But he will be back at some point, he always is. That feels like a weight, because I know as soon as he makes contact I will be back to square one emotionally.
Like you I look back on all the years wasted to end up with not only nothing but some serious emotional baggage.
11 days is really good, keep going! I hope you have a better day today and can keep the thoughts and anxiety at bay

Hope you're all ok.

Today has been much better than yesterday. Spoke to both daughters send a friend, kept me busy. Yesterday was awful, talking to him just made me upset. I really need to stay away from him. Onwards and upwards!

and a friend .. not send

Hi: just to say I probably sound more 'okay' with it than I really am.
My NC has some (diagnosed) MH issues. At the moment he is in 'discard' mode as I sent a short email on 27th Dec to say that although he often appeared to be an esp valuable friend I find lack of consistency in friends really hard and I found maintaining my emotional equilibrium around him difficult hence the current lack of physical contact (could be due to pandemic though as we live far apart). He will have been angry at the email. Hence the child's b'day card he then sent me plus the 2nd hand book on one of my kids disabilities (very obviously NOT a personal bday gift or the one he'd promised, no ref to that of course). He may 'hoover' in due course but it will likely take a long time. He can go silent for 6months if he feels miffed quite easily and assumes he can just pick up where he left off. Not this time. I've been wondering whether to clarify the email or just leave it. I've decided to try to leave it. But today has been a hard day and I miss him (or who he was at the beginning, classic Narc stuff huh?). trying to diet too. Arf!

Sorry to hear that you’re finding it difficult. We have an amazing ability to focus on and remember the good times. If only we could meet someone ‘normal’ who has the same appeal...
I hope you’ve found some time for yourself, to distract yourself a bit this evening.