No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

hi everyone
Its day 23 of NC for me, I've been very up and down, I still feel like crying some days, but I'm getting there.
I decided to go NC when I found myself crying because of his lack of interest and realised how unhappy i was in contact with him.. I couldn't help but think I might as well be unhappy and go NC, so here i am.
i did message him to tell him that i was going no contact with him and then immediately blocked him on everything except for work email, which I'm not able to block.
He hasnt tried to get in touch anyway.
we work together so luckily with lockdown and working from home its made it a bit easier to go NC, but still hard, I do miss him.

I need to start mine again
Started speaking again a few weeks ago. He is a very selfish manipulative person. I'm a convenience to him. He's not a nice person. I need to take some control here so day one starts again

I'm trying to go NC with my ex as much as possible. We have three children together so won't be completely NC. I am still in love with him but he has moved on already after only 2months. I feel so dependent on him as I have no one else. But I realise I'm just being used. We were still sleeping together. I was still doing things for him dropping things off for him helping him etc and it's just hurting me more whether we talk or not he doesn't care or want to be with me.

So day 1 ish for me. Really praying I can get through this because either way I end up hurt.

Hi all day two. Been feeling ok. Don’t miss him. Just hurt.

@Herefortheadvice86 keep at it. Seen the results with my no contacts ex. She stopped engaging apart from kids. She’s doing so well now.

Day 21, not sure what I'm.feeling the most, anger or upset

I’m feeling pissed tonight. I can’t do this every night. I don’t drink at home and this is the third time this week. It’s like a Grief with no funeral or tombstone.

I’ve got drunk so I can’t just go there.

I have been struggling this week. My mental health is not great, coming off antidepressants and can’t see my counsellor because when it’s me and the kids in the house. School work is piling up and I have a very unpleasant colleague to be dealing with. Then a message to him to say he’s deducted £50 from child maintenance to cover the last WiFi bill, and how hard it is because he has to pay legal bills (apparently his are 3x mine!). Then he can’t even spend an hour in the park with the kids because he is “too ill”. Didn’t ask how me or the kids were. In fact, asked no questions at all.

But he let me know that the tv he bought for DD will be here tomorrow and he is getting an iPhone for DS (6).

@2021sunshine it's very hard. I had a drink last night, I never drink on my own, had a rough day and quite frankly enough of this crappy feeling.
1 day at a time hey x

@bearsinmotion remind yourslef of what a selfish he is.. Its hard I know, been there with the whole 'poor me' but try and ride above it and don't give him the satisfaction

Day 22 for me, I burst into tears this morning. Shouldn't it get easier?
My ex ex bumped into me yesterday.. I had a RO on him for 2 years.. It was 5 years to the week.. Panicked me something chronic.. Then he said hi to me.. I could have died..hes tried since the day we split.. It was a rough day. Then my current one still gone awol..its a lot to deal with right now.

Good morning everyone - how is everyone?

I am struggling in lots of ways (lockdown plus a tricky home situation)

But one thing I DO know is that contact with him will NOT improve it, actually it will eventually make it worse, so each / every time I fall into that trap I just have to start again. It helps to try to remember that.
'HE' is a mirage, like an imported strawberry that looks red and juicy on the outside but is hard and white inside - not nourishing just sad.

It is SO hard when you feel like you are starving and there is a 'bowl of strawberries' apparently in front of you, but the fruit is fake.

Anyway, that is my wittering for the morning. xxx

I’m with you on that 52. My NC
Is being a superhoover right now and is trying to contact me to tell me everything that he thinks I want to hear. Trouble is there is nothing real behind it. It’s only because I’ve shut him down. As if my memory is that short! Very tempting but so, so wrong. Need to stay strong 💪

@BoredOfItAll
that's the thing to remember - they will always be back, (even if actually - years- later). Presenting glimmers of their bright shiny caring version of self which hooked us in the first place. But, it's Fools Gold.
They have nothing inside to offer us in terms of real connection.
It is terribly hard to shut down the part of yourself that wants to reach out, forgive, encourage them to be their 'better self' but it's a mirage and just leads to further pain.

Good luck resisting the 'super hoovering' @BoredOfItAll xx

'mine' is not superhoovering atm (I dared to 'criticise' after Xmas)
and runs on a cycle of years. But he will eventually so I need to be ready

@52andblue good description re the strawberries.
As much as all my ex's have come back and tried /apologised etc I genuinely don't see this one ever speaking to me again.. Its quite incredible that they mess up yet were the ones who end up feeling like we've done wrong?!

I don’t know how they have the energy to keep it up. Although I guess they don’t which is why they soon turn.
Hope for your sake @Ntwa that you don’t hear from him again. I wish mine would permanent away. I just have a feeling it won’t be without a dramatic finale.

@52andblue do you have to co-parent with yours? I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it for so long

I'm in. Stbx isn't legally allowed to contact me but even if he were he's a crazed narcissist so I would be and am NC with him anyway.

Unfortunately I ended up with him having learned to have no boundaries or self esteem from my mother who's the queen of the narcissists. I've therefore been in therapy pretty constantly since I turned 16 to find coping strategies.

We're currently at the stage where my father visits but mother stays in car outside on street. I haven't visited them in their home for two years. So sad that I won't ever have a decent loving relationship with her. And also sad that my father enables this behaviour.

I think, initially, they get a HUGE ego boost which fuels them.
then it wanes, so it becomes not 'worth their effort'.
They will move onto a new victim but keep old ones in store (in their heads anyway) which is why they hoover, sometimes months or years later?

My main NC is not my ExH no. (although LOTS of issues there)
I grew up with a Narc single Mother, then met main NC at 19 so I was well primed...

Still, no more 52andblue, this year I'll become 53 and finally Free :)
(of my old responses to damaged individuals - once i can control my responses theirs simply won't matter any more, I shall barely notice :)

@resisterance sorry to hear about your parents, it's got to be tough to deal with. My father hasn't spoken to me in years and my mum passed when I was young.
Interesting to see how we deal.these men, but also interesting to see how they treat us due to it.

Hello @Resisterance, and welcome
Thank you for sharing the story about your parents.
As someone with a Narc mother I can relate (I remember a policeman saying to me: 'but she seemed so caring, to start with...'. Yes, exactly!

It sounds as though you now have a thorough understanding of both of your parents real limitations, and how they have nothing to do with you (in terms of causing them) but how they have affected your early ability to form and maintain healthy boundaries. Good luck with your therapy if it is ongoing and your journey re NC xxx

@Ntwa - sorry to hear you don't have the support of either parent too. I wonder if this is not uncommon for those who have hazy / non existent boundaries which of course a Narc will sniff from 10 miles away and hone in on, thus causing such damage and misery.

BUT... we have this container to share our hopes and thoughts in.
It is not much, but it IS something xxx
Tomorrow is a new month. Onwards and upwards to us all!

@52andblue thanks, yes you're right. My ex had a similar situation, sees 1 parent now but I could always see he struggled in ways.. We dealt with and saw things differently though and I suspect that's why.. Interesting though as to why we have similar problems when young but feel differently when older.. What's that about?!

day 26 definitely not linear going NC. felt good last few days, but then felt a bit tearful today, but now definitely getting used to not messaging him anymore or looking at his photo on whatsapp so much. even though ive blocked him, it still shows a list of blocked contacts on my phone which is annoying. but definitely getting a bit easier, cant wait for the day when i dont give a damn.

@smugsparkle I'm glad you feel you're getting a little better. It's rough.
I did the whole checking wats app thing after having not done it for a few days. I then thought he'd blocked me but he flashed up online, I.nearly had a heart attack. I've stopped looking, what's the point. I'm OK till I see something or hear a song and I'm upset again.. When does that get easier. I know I'm the one that's called time but considering he was so in love with me I feel like that's the biggest lie right now.. 22 days on. Sigh.

@Ntwa well done on 22 days, it has got easier these last few days, although I went back a step today and felt teary, it's really hard, yes still feel sad when I hear a certain song, but not as much as at the beginning. but the thought of going back to how i felt when he treated me like crap makes me determined not to contact him, Im so glad i took control and went NC, got to admit though it still hurts that he's never even tried to contact me through the work emails, although im glad as well, if that makes sense.

hi @Strongerthanilook, i would say it definitely takes longer than 21 days, ive been NC with mine for 30 days in the past and then he's contacted me and like an idiot i replied and the cycle all started again. im so determined this time that if he does contact me i wont reply, but for some reason this time i dont think he will anyway.
yes wish we could just flick a switch and stop loving them or thinking about them.