No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

@52andblue By trauma bonding, I mean similar to Stockholm Syndrome where your attachment with that person is reinforced through the cycle of abuse.

I hope you manage to find something that fits around your situation. It sounds very tough.

@Midlifecrisis7, yes it does consume you mentally and can do so 24/7, IF you let it. It requires soul searching and work to stop it. I really get this, I have been here many a time. Ruminating, imagining, idealising.
@52andblue how are you? 19-52 is a long time and can imagine very hard to break that attachment we can take back control.

So, this happened. I'm not sure where it has come from, but I've gathered all of my strength and believe me it has taken a lot of I have absolutely decided within me I have walked away from him forever. He is blocked everywhere (apart from email where I can't seem to block him)
I know I have a 'journey' to go on towards healing, but feel I have started it, at the beginning, blank piece of paper.
Also, this is not like me at all, I went on OLD and I have been asked on a date. I'm not at all ready, but the guy seeks nice. I'm thinking this may also help towards 'breaking the spell' I hope you understand what I mean.
Strength to you all on this journey

@Breakingupbadly72 well done on that progress - we all have a point beyond which we say we've had enough. You can do this. I've been reading and reading and reading - in case any of them useful:

• Ignore the guy, get the guy
• How to heal a broken heart by Rosie Green (excellent - just finished)
• It's called a breakup because it's broken
• Unexpected Joy of Being Single

I had unexpected message from ex a couple of days ago - fucking annoying 'nothingburger' message which didn't even bother to ask how I am etc, and really pissed me off. I replied briefly and politely and didn't ask any questions or extend the conversation, and resisted the urge to tell him to go fuck himself. This Shit Is Hard.

I've arranged a trip to poncy hair salon and for nails, clothes shopping etc post April 12th. Going for a run in the morning.

Ditto sending strength to everyone here. It is so hard. If the next message from him is yet another pointless shot over the barricade with no olive branch towards friendship or actual interest in how I am, I think I'm going to block and move on.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs, thanks. They just don't get us do they? The shitty message is just 'breadcrumbing' . If nothing else, its rude to not ask how we are when we have previously shared a bed with them. Are they not mature enough to be a man and step up? clearly not. What I do know is we deserve far better than this treatment. Those books you are reading will put you in a good position with more knowledge for the future.
I don't think the friendship will work until we have truly moved on. What has broken it for me is getting attention from elsewhere. Even though I'm not ready, it has reminded me there are other people out there. Yes, it will be different but it moves you forward. You can get the relationship you want.
I hope you enjoy your run. I need to get back to exercise and lose weight and feel better about myself. Self care is the way to go.
Whatever stage you are at, you've got this everyone!

Yes that is true - I agree with you re. the attention from elsewhere. Be careful with your heart though as I have found you can be vulnerable to further rejection, but it can be good to flirt with others and just realise that ex is not the last man on earth.

There will be no friendship and I think unfortunately the messages show me exactly who he is - basically selfish... it was about his work and I think he probably was expecting me to clap enthusiastically and pat him on the back. No sunshine, that's what a girlfriend does and you just jettisoned that role.

One thing I read recently was to try to actively divert any thoughts or interest about them into some positive action for yourself and it does actually work when I'm in that mindset. I'm trying to stop any ruminating in its tracks and change the thought pattern.

I've just taken baby step no. 46 and deleted his number and details. I'm not ready to block just yet but as I hadn't memorised his number I now can't see when he's online or any of that nonsense.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs. Yes I know about being vulnerable and I am. I'm really not ready but will go along to the date tomorrow anyway.
Yes, they are selfish, its all about them. They don't fulfil our emotional needs as they are not mature enough.
I have blocked and deleted his number. I've blocked on social media. I can now tell I was 'played'. I definitely think he was at least messaging someone else. So I'm not doing the same, it gives me the same 'power' f&$k him!
The ruminating is hard to break, but comes as we practice self care and improve our confidence. It is a skill for sure. Its very hard, but what else can we do other than keep going?

I spoke to the new woman. A chance opportunity after months of keeping quiet.

I simply said I had no issue with her ( remember we were/are friends), it’s him and the lies. So many lies. Here when you want to know the truth.

She said ok. I then said All I said is protect your house. She said I understand.
Made small talk about my child where she was gushing and nice.
Told her to say in touch. Walked away.

He will be furious. She’s still carrying it on though. He’s moved in. Problem is she was so so desperate for someone she’ll accept anything. I understand she has some very controlling and jealous tenancies and has been toxic in previous relationships. He will get that eventually.

I told our mutual friend what I predicted would happen right at the beginning and he has done everything I expected. Moved in. Next they’ll be engaged. Married and he’ll eventually cheat if he’s not already. He can’t sustain this - people don’t change as spectacularly as he’s pretending and definitely not as quick as he has.

I am resolved to remain no contact. He is dangerous manipulative and coercive. That’s the headline I need to remind myself of when the pangs of mourning about the other parts of our friendship okay on my head.

I have finally made a disclosure to my GP about an assault he made at the end of our relationship and seeking specialist support for that. My mental health is fucked. Whether she sees that will be down to whether she’s snooping on my records. I suspect she has. However my mental health as been getting worse over the last few months. I can’t not seek help because of fear anymore.

@52andblue he’s truly awful. No empathy for your biopsy just sticking doubt and malice about the care you are receiving. Please keep him blocked.

Look after your health x

Morning all.

@52andblue how awful of him to not even ask how you are after the biopsy. Stay strong and NC xx

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I shall download the how to heal a broken heart book, good idea about the diverting thoughts to self care for yourself and massive well done on removing his number - that's a good start.

@Breakingupbadly72 Also well done on the blocking and so on, I hope you enjoy your date.

@2021sunshine he sounds a charmer... keep going with the NC.

I am over two months NC and so far have not bumped into him at work. I was told something by a close friend which shows he is not having a good time of it all at the moment, part of me is pleased, the other part is worried about him - crazy I know but feelings yeah?!

Hope you all enjoy your Easter weekend and stay strong, we have got this!

Morning, how is everyone?
I went quiet on my potential date. Its unfair really as I'm not in the right place. He got back to me, not sure if an excuse but now says his daughter is staying with him so we can chat/ meet next week. I felt that pang of rejection, relating back to my NC.
I feel utterly used by my NC now. I think he was using me for sex. Keep having swinging emotions. Watched some videos on narcissists last night. What a selfish b$#@ard he was

I've done it - one whole week without making contact. The longest stretch I've managed since we broke up 8 weeks ago. I want to feel proud of myself and I guess i do a little bit, but I mainly just feel incredibly sad. I still think about him every day and hope to see his name pop up on WhatsApp. He hasn't contacted me so that's probably helped me in not contacting him.
I want him to message so that I can be the one ignoring him for a change, then I get cross with myself for giving headspace to such games.

Reading through how everyone else is doing, and the honesty over how bloody hard NC is, is helping me stay strong.

@HipsterHippo, very well done. Do not give him that power by reaching out again.
I last had an email from mine on Wednesday. I didn't reply again. I too am feeling very sad and when the potential date wanted to rearrange for next week and chat last night, then apparently fell asleep I binned him off! perhaps an extreme reaction but it just reminded me of the rejection , not making an effort etc etc.
I'm feeling low today

@HipsterHippo keep on with the NC, it is hard, I know! but remember you are going NC for a reason x

@Breakingupbadly72 sorry you are feeling low today. Might it be best for you if you just concentrate on yourself for a while and not try and date? Take time for yourself.

Happy to talk over PMs if it helps x

@Ineedaslap, thank you. Yes to PM.
I think I'm grasping at anything really, to get me through. I have started reading 'Your other half' uts excellent. I definitely recommend.
@ibelieveinmirrorballs, how are you getting on?

I've just seen this on Facebook:

Stop losing your mind over people that don't mind losing you.

Struck a cord with me anyway.

@Breakingupbadly72 message whenever, I am around most of the day today/evening.

Afternoon everyone. @Breakingupbadly72 I hope you've managed to have an okay day. I have felt quite down since my ex made contact last week, and it culminated with me calling him a couple of days ago

As a word of warning to anyone thinking of doing similar, even though it went as well as could be expected in that he is a lovely bloke and is trying his best to be decent, it still left me feeling like shit. I am not sure whether it was a good thing or not overall - it confirmed that he is resolute he is not ready for a relationship and he admitted he was naive to think he was. We talked for well over an hour, I handled myself well, but was also honest and got things off my chest. Despite both our best efforts, it did cause a plummet in my mood and I think something of a reset in terms of the grieving.

For me this is a lot of progress - we have both been nothing but civil to each other, I think he is right to have finished it in that he can't give me what I need/want (sex, for one thing, and time, and romance). It would have become increasingly painful. Even though it is the right thing, and I think in time we could/might become friends, I also know that we can't right now. Woke up today and after a short cry, deleted all emails/trace of his number, deleted from WhatsApp and blocked on social media. I know if I tried to stay friends right now it would just be painful and I would be continuing the rejection.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs, well done for being dignified. Also a huge huge well done removing everything. I still have photos and phone number. Maybe I should bit the bullet and delete? it just makes me so sad. Its now part of my past. Totally agree with the continuing rejection, it affects self esteem and you feel helpful. You need to think about yourself now and continue with the methods of distraction, changing thoughts until it becomes a habit.
The screenshot of messages I have are a good reminder of why we shouldn't be together, which is also a reason I have them but I haven't looked recently. I know really, it doesn't matter now, but...
I feel the same as you, need a huge amount of space. I'm not sure I even want to be friends with mine as he isn't civil and calls me nut job etc, I talk shite etc.

Ugh. A message (1st contact after my message re biopsy date):

"you still don't understand do you? I need you; I want you. But the only way I can cope with you is if we hold, kiss, come every night"

(now, this may be true actually. given his longstanding MH challenges he may periodically find it hard to cope with 'just friends' contact as he has issues with consistency in all areas of his life. So, given we seemed to be making progress with honesty I replied):

"that is vanishingly unlikely. If your 'only way to cope' is to give up on our friendship (or stop sabotaging it at least) meanwhile then perhaps you are is correct and we should stop trying'.

I regretted giving him the power of 'the decision' in this but at least I was happy with the rest of it.

This produces a text on a different message app about sexual 'techniques' we might try. I replied (sim to above). He's not read it.

Oh, FFS. That's it now. Enough. I am not his Therapist.

Sorry for blurt. Love to you all. Have been dealing with horrid exH over Easter weekend. Hope to be back later to reply to other posts xxx

@52andblue Sorry to hear that. It's really awful that he's not shown a shred of empathy for you given your biopsy and now he's guilting you over his MH condition.

You really cannot help him so don't even try. The only way to "help" him is having absolutely nothing to do with him. He needs to have zero reminders of you so that it doesn't trigger a hoover.

You absolutely cannot remain friends with someone like him without it affecting your mental health. It's no way to live.

Oh @52andblue that message from him is so toxic and lacking in normal human empathy/emotion. Pitting you as someone he can "only cope with" if it involves sex and a sort of ownership. Can you block him completely?

I'm feeling better today. I know I'm the queen of reading material () but I really can recommend Catherine Gray's 'The Unexpected Joy of Being Single'. It's not so much about the 'joy' of it, but about unpacking dysfunctional behaviour in relationships and making peace with the fact it's okay - and in fact more than okay - to be on our own. And in fact way better than being in the wrong relationship.

@Breakingupbadly72 if you are still looking at screenshots, it might be worth deleting them. I haven't deleted everything but focused on getting rid of everything that contained a phone number, all emails, etc. If he was treating you badly I think the painful part is really examining what it is about your self-esteem that romanticises that or thinks it is an acceptable part of a relationship. I don't say this with any sense of 'superiority' as my marriage was incredibly toxic and abusive (and has taken 7 years of court hearings to finally be rid of) and I know how hard it is to separate out romantic feelings of love and connection with the same person who is also ready and able to be abusive.

I totally understand the desire to date again as a way of moving on. Perhaps give yourself a set time limit to NOT do this and instead decide to devote that time and attention on yourself. Even if that is just a short period to rebuild your sense of self and identity. This little book has a 14 day plan to help get you to focus on who you are and what you can do to build yourself up post-breakup... it's all very simple and helpful and I'm following it - yesterday I joined a tennis club and am going to book some lessons in.

I have never in my life handled a breakup as well as I'm handling this - I have previously found it almost impossible to let people go and poked and poked so much at the end that there is nothing left at all other than bad feeling and shame on my part that I am completely messed up. This feels really sad and painful and I am gutted that things haven't worked out - but I do think my takeaway is that I need to really work on my boundaries for next time and address the red flags rather than do that classic thing of thinking "NO THIS IS FINE!" and bludgering on regardless.

Oh @52andblue that's just so horrible, It's all about him isn't it? As if he sent you a message about sexual techniques, without asking after your health. Nice.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I will download that book, I am reading so much more about feelings and relationships than I ever have, and it is really helping.

I haven't seen mine still, but with each passing day I know it will be easier when I do. I have also taken a bold step and am applying for another job which is out of the area so I would have to relocate, on my own. I have the support of my family with this, I love where I work and do not want to leave per se, but this opportunity would be good for me I think. Might not get the job of course but it's a positive step for me to even just apply.

That is great progress @Ineedaslap, well done! I think a lot of the panic and distress comes from feeling like we've lost our power, our autonomy. The more you can make decisions which place you and your future at the centre, the better.

Thanks @ibelieveinmirrorballs with us working at the same place it is the obvious thing to do really, but there aren't many jobs that come up that would be right for me. This one is and I am quite excited about it so am going for it. Nothing ventured - nothing gained.

@Ineedaslap I can imagine there’s also a sense of resentment as in “why should I be the one to leave?” but good on you for making the move. Good bit of adulting