No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

@Ineedaslap thank you for your reply. I’m sorry if it was hard to hear. Of course you wanted the truth. But cheaters lie. If he can lie to his wife it will be a piece of cake to lie to his mistress. As a mistress you’re also complicit in his dishonesty, which can’t sit well with your mantra of ‘honesty always’. Without secrecy your affair can’t exist. Your silence means you’re not being honest with her either. Affairs rely on lies and silence. Not honesty, sadly. Honesty and reality are more often than not the death of the whole thing.
Apply your honesty (which does you great credit) to your whole life and you will be a lot happier, I’m sure of it. A huge weight would be lifted from you. X

This is day 1 nc for me. Been in a EA for last year. He ended it yesterday after me messaging him and asking why he had ghosted me for 4 days. I'm married, he is in LTR. Worse part is he lives across the road, has done for past year, we were work colleagues for a few years long time ago. I'm gutted and don't know how this nc is going to work

So I'm now 7 weeks no contact. I have a thread on here about my breakup. I'm not working this week and probably have too much time to think, but I've begun to think I'd like an explanation about how exactly he felt about me over the 5 years because the breakup came as a great shock and it was all over the phone and there are things I didn't ask at the time. I know this is probably a bad idea and won't do me any good. Should I leave well enough alone?

Welcome to the thread @Midlifecrisis7

Block him from everything. Keep yourself occupied with something you enjoy when you are tempted to message him.
Writes down the things you dislike about him and that will help you to be more objective about him.

You will miss him and it will be painful at times, but you are not alone and there will be others here to support you moving on.

I've unfriended him, told him I can't cope seeing when he is online and that I'm gutted. He replied saying no worries with a kiss. I feel shit as dh has no idea about any of it. If AP didn't live across the road it might be easier. I feel sick inside at the minute

Welcome to the thread @Midlifecrisis7
That sounds hard - him living across the road doesn't make things easier!
I think all you can do is distract distract distract.
Blocking if you find it hard to see him on SM is a good idea.
I'm sorry you feel so rubbish - please stick around here for moral support x

@Ruminating2020
I should have read your last post last night (busy day y'day)
I had a phone call from NC yesterday at 9.30-am.
Fortunately I was already on an important call so it rang out.

Like an idiot, I texted at 3pm: 'I noticed you called earlier. Very busy today, quieter tomorrow, at clinic Weds'.
No reply of course (so far, she thinks...)

I've been 'hoovered' again, haven't I?
Or, it's entirely possible he mis-dialled (has before, never explains)
Or maybe it doesn't matter - it shouldn't matter by now after all.
FFS. WHEN will I ever learn???

[quote 52andblue]@Ruminating2020
I should have read your last post last night (busy day y'day)
I had a phone call from NC yesterday at 9.30-am.
Fortunately I was already on an important call so it rang out.

Like an idiot, I texted at 3pm: 'I noticed you called earlier. Very busy today, quieter tomorrow, at clinic Weds'.
No reply of course (so far, she thinks...)

I've been 'hoovered' again, haven't I?
Or, it's entirely possible he mis-dialled (has before, never explains)
Or maybe it doesn't matter - it shouldn't matter by now after all.
FFS. WHEN will I ever learn???[/quote]
I'm afraid, yes it is a hoover. He may have "accidentally on purpose" called you to see whether you would respond. If you respond, it is a "win" for them. They play games rather than communicate honestly.

Don't beat yourself up. This person has been in your life for 30 years, so it is even harder for you than say those who have only been in for a year.

@Ruminating2020
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, he has been a long term situation. I met him when I was 19 and my age is hinted at in my username (though we had a long gap in the middle there has still been 10 yrs very intense relationship either side of the gap).

I forgot to put above that my last line in my reply was: 'Perhaps you mis-dialled?' (as I'm still grumpy about his careless use of that before)

Just got a reply:
'Wasn't a misdial, but frantically busy until later afternoon.
Will try to ring evening'.

Classic - it implies I'm chasing. Ugh.
Tempted to reply: 'don't worry, I'm not holding my breath' but I won't.
It's the old roundabout. I want to get off now, it's making me queasy.
I spoke to an old friend who said: 'he needs you but only on his own terms. He treats you as a 'feeding tube' / conduit to real life, but only when he wants it. Whether that's enough for you is your decision'.

It's not. He clearly thinks he can just pick me up and put me down.
That isn't respectful. I understand WHY very well. But it's still hard even when you understand it, to stop it. I'll turn my phone off tonight.

It is tough @52andblue to curb the impulse to reply and turning your phone off might be a good idea. Could you mute him for a period of time so that other calls can get through?

I also hate the feeling when they think they can pick you up and throw you down whenever they feel like it. You have to remember that they are like toddlers and treat people like they are toys.

Thank you @Ruminating2020 and 52andblue. Apologies, I'm not sure how to directly reply to your comments. Been working today so that has helped distract me, dreading tomorrow when at home,.i will likely be spying and watching for him coming home from work just to catch a glimpse. Does everyone feel it just consumes all your time mentally? Waiting for a text, the rush when he texts or the disappointment when he doesn't. I have been checking messenger to see if he has texted but nothing, glad he knows I'm upset though whether that makes a difference I'm not sure. Have only eaten a slice of toast all day and been and bought a bottle of red which I know isn't the answer but only way of coping with it.

I will check in properly later to see how people are getting on. I think mine has been cheating. Intuition and I'm not far wrong. He hag changed, his attitude and has let go, whereas before he chased.
I'm really upset, I've also joined OLD and am just chatting. I'm not ready but it is proving a distraction.

I just can't bring myself to block him on sm, last week at this time it was 3 days of constant messaging and this week dumped. I should know better, I'm married, been with dh since I was 17, now 41 and 3 dds, no particular issues in the marriage. Have never contemplated behaving like this in the past. Feels like back in school when you got dumped or rejected by the boy you fancied. I really am a pathetic soul 😔

@Midlifecrisis7

I just can't bring myself to block him on sm, last week at this time it was 3 days of constant messaging and this week dumped. I should know better, I'm married, been with dh since I was 17, now 41 and 3 dds, no particular issues in the marriage. Have never contemplated behaving like this in the past. Feels like back in school when you got dumped or rejected by the boy you fancied. I really am a pathetic soul 😔

You're not pathetic. You can do this. This is a horrible way for the OM to treat you and you need to regain your self respect and control. This is not fair on your DH either, so block him. He will do this again and again and you will feel far worse if you prolong this.

I am the same age as you but my EA happened when I was in my late 20s shortly after DS was born and I had just re-entered the work force. It's the constant back and forth that reinforces the bond so you absolutely have to go no contact and keep your resolve.

He is treating you very badly by picking you up and putting you down whenever it suits him, so please think about what you'd advise a friend going through the same thing and do this for yourself.

I know it would be harder for you because he lives across the road, but just think what you could lose if your dh or dds discovered this. The AP is definitely not better than your dh.

You absolutely must delete him from social media and his number too. Distract yourself with things and surround yourself with those who are truly worthy of your time and attention.

@Ruminating2020 I know that's what I need to do but it's so hard. He is a right headfuck. I broke it off last year a couple of times due to feeling guilty but then reached out again to him so don't know if this is karma for me. If my dh found out, it would break him and he'd probably thump AP. My dad had an affair and walked out on my mum when I was 2, never to be seen again and I vowed I would never cheat on a partner. Although it never reached the physical stage, we did talk about that side of things and plans to spend days together when restrictions lifted but to be honest, he was probably just telling me what I wanted to hear and him being 9 years older than me it could have all just been an ego boost for him. In his text to me finishing it, he said it was a blessing that nothing physical happened as both have too much to lose which is true but still bloody hurts

@Midlifecrisis7 Headfuck is correct but do not continue to blame yourself about reaching out to him. Learn from it and know that the moment's gratification is not worth the risk of what you and your dh have built for many years.

Stop analysing what he is saying and concentrate on what you are doing. Like you, I was reacting and responding to the AP but it took me far too long to realise that he was playing some weird game with me to see whether he still had control of me.

Your AP will be saying anything to play with your emotions. What is stopping you from deleting his number and deleting him from social media? Given that he lives so nearby, I would think that being the subject of idle gossip would be enough to deter you from a physical relationship with this man.

It won't just be your marriage and family that is at stake but also your integrity and self respect.

Wishing you the best.

Just a quick check in, sorry.
Well he called at 9.30 (when he knows I'll be getting kids to bed). Again at 10pm. I ignored both. Then a text: 'would you like me to call at 7am tomorrow?'. I've read but not opened it.

@52andblue If you don't need to, don't. Well done on ignoring his previous messages.

@Ruminating2020
I was curious / worried, so answered the 7.20am call - a mistake!!
He was in the Tube - a poor line - it seems he was calling 'as you sent an email Mon am so I assumed that you were seeking my attention'.
The email was a bare link to a research article about ASD, meant for my Supervisor but, it seems, I mistakenly sent to NC instead (bugger!)

My kids have ASD, so it's been a past topic of discussion between us. NC considers himself more expert than me & my Birthday gift from him, which he said was going to be a new DAB radio, was instead a textbook on ASD, (which I l already have but he wasn't to know)

Anyway, I explained that link was meant for my supervisor so sent in error. He replied: 'oh, I've not read it, I thought you were just trying to make me feel guilty for your difficult life & prompt me to contact you.'
I just said: 'no, I'm not in the habit of that. If friends want to contact me, or I them, we tend to do so straightforwardly'. He said: 'well, I'm very busy. Will you be home on Thursday? I might repay you that £30 you lent me last year by sending you a cheap radio but I need to know you will be in'. I said: 'well, as you know my 2nd biopsy date is today, so I hope to be at home quietly tomorrow'. He said: 'well if you will live somewhere with poor hospitals so they recall you for more biopsies. I have a number of world beating hospitals within walking distance. I'm very busy at the moment, very busy, even by my high standards'.

I hung up.
I think you could probably say that was a textbook example of Narc, (and clinical grandiosity - it sounds like he is 'becoming unwell' again - the comment about hospitals isn't logical for example but there is nothing I can do. I've tried that before, but he really doesn't want help. He won't take his meds, & has a long history of non compliance).

But also for me of textbook reasons to stay NC. What have I learned?
That I am not practised enough in withholding any & all info to protect myself. Eg why mention the biopsy today? I wasn't seeking sympathy (I know him too well for that), just being straightforward (I was barely awake and kind of 'thinking out loud') but that's not actually safe with someone like him as it gives him an 'in' to say something spiteful.

Anyway, I've blocked him now.
(annoyed that I included him in a notification of my new address, from next month, in a batch of Easter / new address cards I sent days ago)
Ho hum - it doesn't matter. He'll send it or not, it'll get lost, or not.
I got my own radio when I realised it was a 'dangle' weeks ago - that is what matters, not waiting on his validation!

Ooof sorry for essay
(too much of my time & energy!)

@52andblue

Don't beat yourself up for relenting and giving in again. You are still learning from your situation and trying to navigate this the best you can. You know what you need to work on. Do not volunteer information to the narc as they will use it against you at some point. They really can't help themselves, as they have to demean you somehow to make themselves feel good.

Forgive me if I've missed this information somewhere, but when did you first try going NC with this person and when did you find out he was a narcissist?

I wonder whether you'd benefit from joining a narcissist recovery group somewhere, either facebook or real life if available.

Is this person someone you have children with? If not, then there is no reason why you shouldn't block him everywhere. I know there's 30 years history between you both but he has proved poisonous to you and you need to protect your wellbeing.

There are plenty of Youtube videos about narcissists but I think you need RL support in recovery and remaining NC. You seem trauma bonded to him so that is why he is still in your life.

It's a lovely day today (at least where I am!) so make the most of it and enjoy it with your loved ones.

All the best.

@52andblue I’m the essay queen on MN so don’t worry about that! 😂
Couldn’t read this and not comment, you’re ever likely hurting.

Under ‘What have I learned?’ you list stuff that you think you should not have done. You sound as if you are questioning or trying to justify your own responses, which read as perfectly normal and straightforward to me. His responses, however, are off this bloody planet. Seriously. This man sounds toxic. Please don’t write yourself an ‘I must not ....’ communication ‘to do’ list. You did nothing wrong in that communication. Nothing.
He clearly has a horrible manipulative way of getting under your skin and pushing buttons.
I think the learning to take away from that interaction is ‘Thank God I’m a normal, rational, kind human being.’ Because he surely isn’t. Having read that, I think going NC for you would be the best protection you could give yourself from such a clearly damaged individual. I can’t think of one person I would wish him on.
Stay strong, it’s easy to get sucked in but hard to get out from under the lure of an arch manipulator as he seems to be. Clever, toxic people can really mess with your head. Don’t give him the opportunity, you deserve better. X

@ruminating2020 thank you for your reply. Yes I probably am trauma bonded to him I think? When we met we both went through trauma at the hands of the same other person/situation and we bonded over that. Since then he has always been the person I've 'turned to' when I've had any problems. He usually tells me to 'just buck up the way my narc Mother used to. Yes, some RL support re NC with him might be good but I'm a single parent with two disabled kids, live rurally and my exH rarely if ever takes the kids (and the 'cost' of that is too high) so it would have to be Zoom based.

@thewookiemustgo thank you for the affirmation that my responses were normal and rational. I know he has 'issues' (as in longterm dx MH issues) but still he can make me question myself. Thank you for saying I deserve more than this also. It's hard to believe that (which lack of self esteem is exactly what men like him sniff out). Unless I stay clear of him totally I will never have energy for 'better' in my life. I don't mean a better man, just a better life for me all around as he / my internal reaction to him drains me utterly.

@52andblue self esteem is a pig to build and if you struggle with it, I think you’re right, certain types can smell it a mile away. Don’t let him steal the self worth you work so hard to build. He has no right to it. Your attitude to him is spot on though and even though you might not believe me I’ll say it again, you do deserve better. Take care X