@ibelieveinmirrorballs
“it's not so much that they're lying but that a lot of men get caught up in 'the sauce' of it all and the excitement, buzz, romance and I don't think they think that much about what they say - whereas we are noting down each thing and taking it as a sign of commitment/future possibility.”
This. Absolutely this. With bells and a slap-my-ass-and-call-me-Mary frock on.
My husband was exactly like this with his AP. He had no reason to lie to me, he’s been brutally honest like I asked him to be, and I told him if he loved her he could tell me, I couldn’t hurt any more than I already did. His not loving her almost made it worse that he would risk everything for just sex and excitement. But he did. A huge amount of men can.
He said “I wasn’t in love with her, I was in love with the situation.”
He had no doubt told her all sorts of shit, she wanted him so hung onto and post rationalised every word. He played a role, both parties were trying to work out what the other person needed to hear to get what they wanted out of the situation.
He couldn’t believe what she said one day after he’d been found out. He had told me it was over. It fizzled on for three more weeks but he wanted out and didn’t want to just dump and run. He knew what a bastard he’d already been. I was devastated when I found this out, but at least I knew he’d finished with her if his own accord and not because I’d demanded it.
His ‘cool no pressure AP’ had a personality change. She couldn’t understand why if I knew, if it wasn’t a secret any more, he still wanted the awful wife he didn’t love any more 🙄 (more bullshit.) She said to him, “You’re never going to leave your wife, are you?”. He was knocked over sideways by this. She knew he wasn’t, didn’t she? He’d never told her he was, hadn’t he?
She’d been the “cool AP”, said she loved him but never pressured him to leave me to be with her. He thought she meant it. It was clear being with him was her ultimate goal and he had no idea, he was horrified. He’d never had any intention of running away with her, but had clearly said plenty in the moment that convinced her, or she’d twisted into on reflection, that he was going to. He thought she was ok with the situation, she thought he loved her and surely if he loved her and not me, logically in time he would leave me to be with her.
Both saying anything but the truth to try to get what they want out of it.
Please don’t believe these men. They love the chase, the flattery, the sex with a (usually) younger woman, the ego boost of being pursued and found attractive, the excitement of a fantasy life, etc etc.
I know more than one person who was involved in an affair and nine times out of ten if they are female, they are reading tons into everything OM says, discussing and analysing it to death, obsessed with OM and constantly trying to second guess what he’s thinking or doing.
If they were male, on the other hand, they’ve usually told me it was exciting, a fantasy, an escape, a part to play. The words they are saying are the part they are playing.
My husband’s AP would have been less than happy that when he was with me, we slept together, had sex together, did loads of stuff together, laughed and went out together, planned and booked holidays together, did the house up together... he was certainly not at home “bored” as he told her. Whenever she asked him how his weekend had been, that was his response. “Boring”. She would gently try to extract more info but he always closed her down. Trying to be cool, she’d stop asking. He was very careful to say “I love you but I love my family” to her. NB ‘family’. In his head he included me in that, but she thought he meant just his kids. He could lie without lying, in his warped head. 🙄 He knew that it was a one way ticket off Fantasy Island if he’d told her he loved me and would always be with me.
He’s not unique in all of the above. Attached men are capable of saying bloody anything if they’re getting regular sex from an attractive woman who constantly makes herself available to them and is also willing to keep their secrets. He used a burner phone at first until he was sure she wasn’t a nutter. When you construct a second fantasy life, you need to keep them separate at all costs. Keeps the pain, guilt and shame down. Nobody gets hurt.
Stay NC and find a single guy who really does love you.
It’s not easy for me to write this crap, but it’s far harder to read how lovelorn and heartbroken so many women on here sound, mostly saying the same thing and still questioning ‘why would he say that if he didn’t mean it?’ etc etc. He said it because he could. Because he knew what you wanted to hear. Please stay NC and stop wasting time and life on men who have another life that they are in no hurry to leave. Please ask yourselves why. Very, very few people are trapped these days. Men rarely do anything they don’t actually want to do. Make their actions speak louder than their words. If they don’t back it up by leaving to be with you, they’re not going to, whatever they say.
I’m not a huge fan of OWs as you can imagine, but nobody’s perfect and I’m not going to judge you or have a go. I feel sorry for you actually. I honestly do.
So many women on MN broken by infidelity whether they are a married AP, the single OW, the betrayed wife or partner. Infidelity hurts everyone involved. It’s not bloody worth it in 99% of cases, but sadly 100% of women seem to think their affairs all fall into the 1% it works out for. 🙁 Heartbreaking.
Stop asking why they say it and stay NC so that you don’t have to read or hear any more of it. Your mental health will skyrocket. You’ll feel way better.
Please.