No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

Hello all - checking in again. I've been up and down - mostly okay but yesterday had an almighty crash of grief that it's over. Felt very very tempted to call him and was talked down off the ledge by a very patient friend who has threatened to kill me if I cave and get in touch with him . I know all the rational things, and know that the most dignified thing I can do (FOR MYSELF as much as however it looks to him) is just delicately remove myself and crack on with my life. I really can't have any sort of friendship with him unless he initiates something at some point in the future.

It really has felt very painful, I am trying to channel how I felt when I was perfectly happy on my own. About to sign the contract on my new job, and have lots to look forward to and focus on. It's about a week since we had any contact at all.

@Breakingupbadly72 sorry to hear you didn't get the job. I also find writing useful, list after list after list of the reasons why we're not right for each other anyway. I have also booked in loads of treatments, hair appointments, etc for post April 12th to try and cheer myself up. Completely agree with @52andblue about the growing number of days helping to stop making contact - I too don't want to go back to square one, and also increasingly am thinking what is there to say? I also keep telling myself over and over that if I leave this behind and put myself first, it will stand me in good stead for the next relationship. Fuck him - it's their loss, it really is. Don't give them the pleasure of bleating to them. In the 'ignore the guy' book she says over and over that that's what they will be expecting. The thought of him looking at his phone and rolling his eyes when he sees my name come up stops me from texting - I will not give the satisfaction.

Welcome @Eeeniemeanieminie and @Lolly36.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs, sorry you had a bad day yesterday. You are not alone, I also had a bad day. It really is a case of riding it out. I too nearly caved and wanted to message him. But we don't get much back, we feel unfulfilled, they don't meet our needs
Its just sad all round. We invested in these people full of hope. That's a good idea having things booked in, good self care. The new job I'm sure will really help, a change and different people.
My ex also has a new job to start. It just makes me feel he is moving further on from me.
We need to keep our dignity and deserve more. We deserve to feel loved, a priority, an equal.

WELL DONE for not caving @Breakingupbadly72. Mine can't meet my needs and I'm glad I did at least articulate them. He has his divorce coming up and he is nowhere near being able to even deal with the emotions presenting about the fact his wife left him; I think I just started to represent more need to engage emotionally and it was/is all too much. Good things are to come for us all.

Its hurting like hell. Just saying, after wine

Hi @Lolly36 and Welcome! to the position that none of us wants to be in but find we are and the only way out is through it, giving each other support along the way! x
do feel free to share your situation if you wish and if not I hope you find support / inspiration here x

@52andblue Thank you :)
Brief story is was with him for 2.5 years, all was great (usually) but if we ever had an argument, no matter how small, he would give me the silent treatment for anywhere between a few days and a couple of weeks. It was destroying my self esteem so after he did it again on Tuesday I decided that I couldn't take it anymore. Am absolutely gutted to be honest.

@Breakingupbadly72 at least after wine you don't resort to 426 phone calls and text messages, which is what the me of old would have done.

@Lolly36 I can imagine you are totally gutted but I applaud you for standing up for yourself and your right to be treated decently. My exH used to do this too - it's tortuous.

I'm feeling better today. Daily gratitude list is helping. Onwards. I can't wait to get back to London at least part of the week and get back to some sort of normal socialising - lockdown hasn't/doesn't help.

@Lolly36, welcome to the thread. Its very early days for you. Its such a horrible feeling isn't it. The 'attachment' is still there but they are not, if that makes sense.
Then there is denial, is it really over this time?
I'm hungover today. Not good really. I miss him, I cried that very painful cry last night. Its like a grief. I was hoping I didn't have to go 'through it' but it just seems to naturally happen anyway.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs, haha! no I didn't. Yes I have been there and done that too previously. (maybe not 426 though )
on the most part I have been dignified, although I did say some things I shouldn't have, but he said worse
I'm glad you are feeling better! you clearly have so much hoping for you.

@Lolly36
Ah! the Silent Treatment. Very hard to make progress with this kind.
My NC is like this (he is also religious and appears to literally give me up for Lent each year, he's never said it but, come March, off he goes to Silent Land again..). I'm sorry you are going through it but honestly you just cant make any progress with someone who does this regularly instead of at least trying to communicate, however imperfectly.

Something has flipped in me over the past couple of days. Firstly I had a lightbulb moment that I would be insane to waste the few weeks off I have at the moment, knowing I have a job in the bag, by moping around over some idiotic fat bald bloke. Secondly, that there is no way that I would 'go back for more' if it was a friend behaving ambivalently towards me and in fact my instinct if I meet a new person who is being hesitant to meet up or whatever is to pull back completely and never suggest meeting again - and that I should have a similar level of self-protection with romantic relationships.

We'll see how long this state of mind lasts - but for now, am feeling thoroughly certain that I will not be tempted to initiate any contact without clear evidence from the other person that they're massively into it.

@Breakingupbadly72 Hope you are ok and feeling a bit better about things.

@52andblue that made me laugh the giving up for lent thing, although I know it's not really funny and I am impressed with how you have been dealing with this with humour.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I am the same with friends, in fact I have cut off all contact with someone I thought was a friend recently without a backward glance, so why I can't do this with AP? Probably because I have feelings for him which I did not for her.

I am feeling a bit better about things this week, although I do have meeting at his work site next week so again there is that very outside chance I will see him. I am now at the wanting to see him just to get it over with stage as I think I am strong enough to deal with it now.

Stay strong, don't contact him, I think you will regret it ultimately. Weekends are my tough times, it is good that I cannot contact mine as they are the times I would do.

Yes it's an interesting one re the feelings being different. I think - in my case - that it's an irrational reaction as I have a sort of 'anxious attachment' thing which leads me to get into relationships with emotionally unavailable/avoidant partners. Could the same be said for you?

Therefore I don't think it's a case of "well it would be harder because the feelings are stronger/different" - I think it's that some sort of irrational response is being triggered in me because being rejected by "a man" (which is weirdly how I view all relationships that don't work out - what do you mean he won't walk over hot coals for me??) and I can't deal with that and feel panicky and anxious. On face value, I should protect myself from ambivalence just as strongly - if not more so - from a romantic relationship as I do from a potential friend, because the ambivalence hurts even more deeply.

I'm an overthinker too, I know...

How long have you not seen him for now? I'm slowly just deleting everything, deleted WhatsApp chat, unfollowed on LinkedIn, not connected any other way. Have stopped checking to see if he's online on WhatsApp. Baby steps.

I'm not sure what drove me to him, I liked him from the day he started at work, had a thing for him, he he said he felt the same but it took us years to actually talk about it by which time he was in a relationship.

I am married too so that makes it even more complicated. My husband knows about what happened.

I have never told AP how I feel, (felt?) although he was more open about feelings.

I haven't seem him or heard from him for over two months now.
I've said before that I can't just delete him off FB as we have a lot of mutual friends and some would definitely notice and it would raise suspicion.

@Ineedaslap, thanks for the tag. I have some time off work and I do think it helps as it allows a bit of time to process, or overthink.. I just think I am spending all of this time, with this niggle and him on my mind... like it is constantly there in the background, even though I haven't seen him for nearly 3 weeks. Tell me, is this normal? I wonder if he thinks about me too life is slowly moving forward and although I've had no motivation, at least today I have caught up in the house and got a little more organised.
@ibelieveinmirrorballs I too have got into relationships with partners who are unavailable. It doesn't start that way. This last one seemed to be convenient for him. Why say he loved me though?

Oh god I need this thread and I need you all to tell me to get a grip and pull my life together.

DP ended our relationship beginning of February. Since then I have messaged him every single week! Some simple messages, some desperate pleading, some jokey, some utterly crazy. He does respond although not instantly, usually a couple of days later. I blocked him on WhatsApp then unblocked him. I deleted him from Facebook then a week later sent a friend request (unanswered). I need help

Why can't I just leave him alone and move on? Why do I have no self respect? I feel such a failure

@Breakingupbadly72 I am the same, he's always there in the back of my mind. I too wonder does he think about me. I post things on FB that I know he will know are directed to him, little memes etc. related to conversations we have had and wonder how he feels when he sees them. UGH UGH!!

@HipsterHippo Welcome to the thread, don't contact him any more. Try and forget him, why can't you leave him alone? I can't answer that, as if I was able to contact mine I would be. I have said before it is feelings... I have acted totally irrationally with mine, I have never acted like this before.
Stay strong and keep talking on here if you feel the need to message him, we've got you x

@HipsterHippo welcome to the thread. You're most definitely not alone!

The thing that has actually got me to sit up and STOP with the contact and the pleading or whatever has been reading books like 'Ignore the guy, get the guy' and 'It's called a breakup because it's broken'. And to really take in that behaving in this way makes it totally unlikely that they will ever want to get back together with you. These books focus on convincing you that you HAVE to leave them alone no matter what outcome you want - if you want them back, you need to leave them alone, if you want to get on with your life you need to do the same. I have also tried to imagine how I would feel if I had a desperate person pleading at me to change my mind and I know it would not make me more likely to want to be with them. That if a man is going to ever want to take you back they need to think it was their decision and that they've won you back, rather than begrudgingly 'given in'. Aaanyway - every situation is different and I'm in the 'together for a few months, he was a decent guy but over-promised and is emotionally unavailable' camp. I don't think I do want him back really, although wasn't saying that a few days ago.

The other hard truth to accept is that it's very likely that they are not thinking about us - that if they were thinking about us, they'd be in touch. I think men compartmentalise things a lot more easily.

Thank you @Ineedaslap
I guess I can't leave him alone because I still love him, and I think a part of me worries that if I go totally no contact he will think I don't care about him, and if he starts to regret his decision then he won't let me know because he'll think I'll have moved on. Totally irrational I know. That's never going to happen.
I should delete all of his contact info but he says he wants to be friends in time. Plus he still has a load of my family and friends on Facebook so it would be odd that he still has a link to them but not me.

@Breakingupbadly72 - a friend of mine says simply that she thinks men get caught up in 'the sauce' - in the romance and excitement, and they want to think they think these things. They then change their mind or behave differently further down the line and we're like 'what what?'. I am not quite so charitable and think that men know full well that saying things like that gets them what they want, so they just say it.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I actually have the 'ignore the guy' book on its way to me. I read about it on here and thought it worth a go. I've got to do something before I get a reputation as totally unhinged! I've never been like this before and I hate the person I've become

You can do it @HipsterHippo - I found it immensely helpful and my normal way of operating is to be exactly the same. I am realising that I then carry that 'oh my god I'm a bit of a nutter' worry into the next relationship - no more!

The book explains very clearly that he will NOT forget about you or think you've moved on and therefore not get in touch. Far from it. When did you last make contact?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I last messaged him yesterday but he hasn't read the message. He last messaged me on sunday. A few days ago I messaged to ask if I could pick up something of mine - I got no response but today the item arrived in the post. Pretty clear he doesn't want to even see me in passing.
I really hope I get something out of the book

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
‘The book explains very clearly that he will NOT forget about you or think you've moved on and therefore not get in touch. Far from it’

What does this mean?! We can’t expect him to contact us either way. If we contact then constantly or just ignore them?!

I’m getting on for 7 weeks with my AP. (Posted on here a few weeks ago) I’ve been really up and down. I can go nearly a week of barely thinking of him and then it just hits me and i put his number back in my phone and sit and watch WhatsApp all day. Then the cycle starts again.

I know it’s the right thing to do, to not contact him, but sometimes I just have this war between my heart and my head

The somewhat brutal message in the book is that the only way of even standing a chance of forming a relationship again with your ex is to break away from them completely. To respect the decision they've made and focus completely on yourself.

At the end of say 1 or 2 months, the author predicts, many people will have got in touch to see how you are. She gives ways to proceed in all these cases - e.g. if he sends a 'nothing' text such as 'nice weather' - ignore. If he asks a question, reply politely but don't ask anything back or continue the conversation. She says though, that if after 2 months you haven't heard anything - well, that's your answer - but that in most cases, after a few weeks you won't want them back either, if you have been focusing on rebuilding your life.

The idea really is that you have to get your shit together regardless - either to prepare yourself for life without them, or to make them realise they've made a terrible mistake. They are not going to think that if you send them memes regularly and try to manipulate contact or cry on the phone.

It's an absolute torment @Alwaystheotherwoman - it really is. But it does get better. I am trying to interrupt thoughts now - "hang on, am I ruminating? Well stop it and think about something else...". There is no point filling in the blanks with what ifs, or but how come he said XYZ, or whatever.