No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

@Breakingupbadly72 I'm pleased you got out for a walk today, that's a step in the right direction. Try not to obsess over how he is feeling, look after yourself!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs well done on the new job! That book sounds interesting.

@Pinotgrigio33 he really has been stringing you along by the sound of it. Don't text him, begging or angry or anything. I say this with experience, I did the angry ones and really really regret doing so now. Yes they got the desired result for a bit but they also prolonged the pain, I often wonder what would have happened if I hadn't got angry, if it would have stopped sooner without the devastation it has now caused.
Also I can recommend the book Ignore the guy - get the guy.

Hi @Pinotgrigio33 and Welcome!

SIT ON YOUR HANDS re this guy. Let him wonder what is going on with YOU not the other way around. Sorry for caps but it's so important.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs GREAT NEWS about the job - yay!

@Breakingupbadly72 - walking is good - very therapeutic

I am actually thinking of going NC with another friend. He is married but flirty. Well that's fine, I don't lead him on, it's never going anywhere nor would I want it to (married or not). But we were chatting briefly earlier and he told me he'd been flirting with the HCP that gave him his Covid jab yesterday. I said: 'really?' in a disapproving tone I guess and he said: 'well, i was bored and I suppose she was bored so I thought I'd cheer her up'. Why are they ALL so bloody arrogant? Ugh.
(maybe I'm having a bad day, had stupid dream about main NC last night again. WHEN will this get out of my head. I can distract etc during the day but can't control what I dream, believe me I've tried!)

Happy weekend everyone xx

Thanks @52andblue and @Ineedaslap.. I'm so relieved to have found something.

Welcome @Pinotgrigio33 - totally agree with previous posts - it's so important to let them be the ones wondering. Of course the fear is that they're not wondering at all, and never will. In which case - calling or texting is not going to change that, as it looks desperate and will just make things worse. Don't worry, I've gone through all the same conversations a million times in my head and am absolutely useless historically at going NC - my usual way of behaving is to push and push and push for answers until I kill everything off completely.

What I am trying to remember is that no matter what outcome you want, going NC for a month or two in the first instance is always the right thing. The Ignore the guy, get the guy book is really helping me with this.

Having said that, I have wobbled a lot this evening and spent at least an hour pondering whether to call to talk things through. Managed to convince myself that I would feel worse afterwards. In my case, I know he would be very nice and make me laugh and all those easy things, but it would be gutting that that would be all it is, and also I would feel miserable that yet again I'm the one who's making the effort.

Morning all. I'm feeling rubbish today. Perhaps a delayed response and I'm really believing its over. I'm working so just a quick one. Do we need to go through the pain to recover?

I think we do @Breakingupbadly72. One thing I keep thinking is that when I get the craving to make contact, it's about wanting a quick fix and some sort of validation/reassurance. Actually shortly after making the contact I will regret it and be pissed off with myself because I'm back at square one.

I think only by riding the feelings and the cravings will this improve. I think there is a sort of addictive need for being soothed or made to feel better that we crave when we make contact. I have been wrestling with the pain all morning - one thing I've just done is to write a list with me on one side, him on the other, and write down all the differences between where we're at/who we are. I also had a quick look at his Facebook profile (luckily we're not friends on any social media) to remind myself that he portrays himself as a bit of a twat online We can do better than this!!

Sorry you're feeling crappy though. It does take time.

@Breakingupbadly72 I think we do have to go through some form of pain yes. I said to a friend the other day that I hadn't realised that a broken heart does really hurt. I sat last night and read through some of the many messages between us, don't know why I thought that was a good idea! Did get a bit tearful but didn't really cry, they made me more sad than anything that the fun and banter we had is gone now, I guess forever. I'll miss that more than anything.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs a list like that sounds like a good idea, might give it a go, I am still friends with mine on FB, we have many mutual friends so would look weird if we weren't.

Hope you all have a good or at least reasonable weekend for those who need them.

Thanks both. Why do I love someone who treated me this way? I felt like an option, not a priority, stupid, not enough. It doesn't make sense. Why do I love him? His words have cut deep. I'm a nut job, I need help, a bitch. I didn't ever name call but I did have a go at him for going from woman to woman and being in a pattern.

@Breakingupbadly72 What he said was horrible and unwarranted. Sounds like when you pointed out his bad behaviour to him that the truth hurt.

Feeling are crazy things, I still love and want my AP so much. Even though I shouldn't, and still harbour a crazy notion that he will see me after all this time and realise he still loves and wants me and want to be with me!!

@Ineedaslap I have this too, thinking that it could work and he would be respectful, kind and listen. I have to admit, I didn't block him everywhere, today he has blocked me on the last thing where we could 'see' each other he has gone hasn't he.

@Breakingupbadly72 It does sound like it yes. I suppose at least you know now and can start moving forward. Allow yourself time to grieve though, and be kind to yourself.

I am still friends with mine on FB, we have a lot of mutual friends, plus the added complication of working at the same place of course, so people would probably ask questions. At least I am assuming that is the reason he hasn't defriended me.

The list does help. The other thing that is helping me is the knowledge that no matter what, a period of no contact is the correct thing to do. That EVEN IF the relationship is going to work out over the long term (highly unlikely, and is it even the right thing anyway?) there needs to be separation and moving on. That pleading or trying to convince him that he was wrong (in my case) is not a good look

Also read something helpful yesterday which is that making contact is going back to the source of the pain to try to make the pain go away. And that the pain I/we're feeling is the fact that whatever it is we were trying to get from the other person, we need to be able to get from ourselves. So rather than going back to the source of the pain to try to heal the pain, we need to work out how to provide that love/compassion/care for ourselves rather than needing another person to make us feel 'complete'.

Yesterday was very hard for me. I knew he would be more 'around' and able to talk, even though I think he's throwing himself into his new business and working all hours. Managed to avoid it though - and very glad I did. Now 9 days since I initiated contact last.

That's interesting what you said about going back to the source of the pain to heal, I suppose the feeling is that when you are in contact that hope is still there.

How do we provide ourselves that love/compassion/care though? I have never been good at that.

Well done on the NC, I am now two months down through necessity but for me yesterday was also a bad day for some reason, I felt very emotional and had a very vivid dream about him last night so feel flat today.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
that is very interesting about 'going back to the source of the pain' to try to heal. Certainly in controlled psychological experiments (of the past, not so ethical now) then it is clear that those on the receiving end of bad treatment will continue to return a number of times before they 'give up' on receiving good treatment. And if you look at the stately homes thread on MN, its amazing how much abuse a person will put up with from their family of origin / family member before they go NC or v low contact / grey rock.

@Ineedaslap I HATE the dreams! can affect me for a whole day (or two!). I have them quite a lot and not just about main NC. I think it is all part of the process of my brain working through my feelings about my responses to poor behavior (my whole life, beg with Narc mother).
It is draining but it is private (and there is some dignity in that) and it also means you are working through things without getting back in the loop with someone who should be an NC.

Do I sound like I've got it all sorted this morning
MN needs a hollow laugh emoji. I am literally typing on here to stop me emailing Him. Much better!! Hope you both have a good Sunday.
I am going for a walk with my kids and we are taking a picnic (for the car really). Then home for a sunday roast and tv. Quite modest but it is real and it feels like 'mine' and that is good enough.

@Ineedaslap - not being good at doing it ourselves is what makes all this hard I think... I think the tendency is to give too much of ourselves in relationships and not hold onto our own identity, so that when it is taken away we feel a greater loss.

I'm definitely feeling more able at the moment to focus on myself, my life, my future, than I did a few days/weeks ago. This is in no small part because of my new job... it is quite a big job at a higher level and bigger salary and I will have to focus on it. I'm also determined to lose this last stone and can't wait for lockdown to end so I can have some fun this summer. Each situation is different and carries different pain though - this is probably the healthiest/most sane relationship I've ever had and although that has made it hard to let go of, I'm also behaving in a much more rational way than I have done before and it gives me hope I might be more able to have happiness in the future.

@52andblue that sounds like a lovely plan for the day. We're at home decluttering and I'm going to TRY to get my DC out of the house at some point although don't fancy my chances much!

Day 8 for me almost done.
I’ve discarded a narc. He’s been blindsided, there was no discussion, I’ve just had enough of him and his BS.
He’s blocked on all forms of contact.

We did this 10 years ago, he discarded me, I took him back and he did it again.
We split, he hoovered after 5 years, I eventually relented and we started again.

We this time, no more. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Try and fool me 3 times......f*ck right off.

@Lindyhoppity

Day 8 for me almost done. I’ve discarded a narc. He’s been blindsided, there was no discussion, I’ve just had enough of him and his BS. He’s blocked on all forms of contact.

We did this 10 years ago, he discarded me, I took him back and he did it again.
We split, he hoovered after 5 years, I eventually relented and we started again.

We this time, no more. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Try and fool me 3 times......f*ck right off.

Well done. Narcissists are the worst. You cannot have any sort of sensible, honest discussion with them because they make up their own reality.

Stay strong.

Yes I agree
I didn’t bother to even try
I just blocked and deleted
He lives 200 miles away and was an AP so it’s not like he’s going to turn up at my door, so what can he do?!
I have all the power this time and I’m not letting it go by contacting him that’s for sure.

@Lindyhoppity

Oh wow! all power to you my lovely!

I have taken heart from this.
My NC will contact me again if I leave it long enough.
But he will have left it too late.
(he's a Narc too, diagnosed, amongst other things and has a tenuous relationship with reality) Onwards and upwards my lovely!

Oh, this is a long and boring tale.
The first time he discarded I was totally broken.....and then the second time 3 months later.
18 months I let him hoover.
Then he got a shiny new toy and left me alone for 3 years.
Then the hoovering started again, I let it carry on. Things didn’t get physical again until last year. Then I found out a huge lie he’d told (or rather not told) in the new year, I pretended I was ok with it.....for just over a month, let him think all was fine and we were good.....then bam.....NC.
I blocked first on WhatsApp, so he texted, I ignored, so he phoned, I ignored. Now he’s blocked.

Revenge is a dish best served cold and I’m getting my revenge for 10+ years ago.
And it feels good.......

Do I feel bad? - no, he’s a total narc. I owe him nothing.

Welcome @Lindyhoppity. How is everyone doing?
So I was upset he had blocked me on the last connection, turns out he hasn't and he has also unblocked me on social media.
I've not seen him for 16 days and last message 9 days ago. I feel like a teenager writing that! I'm mid 40s.
Feeling low, I've not heard about the job and don't think I've got it. No idea how I got through the interview. He has a new start soon, a new job and course and no doubt in time a new women. On the surface he is a good catch, but why couldn't he treat me well? feeling quite hopeless.. think I'm finally coming down from high alert.

sending good vibes to you @Breakingupbadly72

I think your comment about 'on the surface he's a good catch'.
there are lots of men like that, but they are not 'keepers' as for their own reasons they can't commit long term / will stay with a woman but won't treat her well so it's just a case of whether she chooses to put up with it.

I feel like a teenager sometimes too. For me, it was 4th March we last had contact. Coming up to 3 weeks. Hang on in there ! xx

@52andblue I'm hanging on in there. Yesterday wasn't a good day. I didn't get the job. I did get some good feedback, so taking that from it.
I need to stop putting him on a pedestal. I've been looking back in old journals and I think I should start writing again. There is a common theme of low self esteem/me not feeling good enough and I find breakups very hard and almost can't function.
I'm not sure how I feel today, I think I'm thinking about it more rationally but I still don't want to let go.

Reading this thread has been helpful. Can I join? I have been nc for 6 weeks now and I am feeling better. He had his good points but things were very much on his terms and my needs were ignored and after a while that starts to feel unpleasant.
I’m past the anxious stage. So relatively ok day to day. I just need to keep going and that’s the hard bit. He knows nothing of my life since I went nc. I’ve been silent.
I do miss him, but struggle in moments of weakness and worry I might text him and then I’ll be back to square one and I don’t want to go through it all again.

Hello @Eeeniemeanieminie and Welcome to this NC thread :)

I'm glad you've found reading through it helpful. I think it is really useful to share tips as well as uplift each other at a difficult time.
6 weeks is fantastic - well done you!
Like you say, once you've got going (I've had quite a few false starts) then you start to be reluctant to contact them as you feel you will go 'back to square one' so that helps I think with the motivation. And if it was 'all on his terms' (sounds familiar!) then there was not enough in it for you and now you've recognised that and know you need / deserve more. Good for you! x

@Breakingupbadly72 - sorry just seen this, out all day.
So sorry you didn't get the job - perhaps it wouldn't have been the right one / the right time but good feedback is worth the process in itself x
I wrote a huge amount in the first 6m I got back with NC. I joined in NaNoWriMo and wrote 50K words. I needed to get some stuff off my chest and i wove it into a book! I keep notepads by my bed and when I can't sleep I scribble down all sorts. It helps to read it back, esp when about NC. More to the point I think it can help us understand ourselves better, if we start to see patterns and things we want to change. It's a process, alright! xxx

Hi! Day 1 for me