No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

Hi again @Breakingupbadly72
Well my call is done. I only got 3 weeks extension and I need 6 so not great but better than nothing maybe. Plus exH called during the call, knowing I was on the call because he was at Kwikfit and couldn't find the nut to loosen the wheels of his car. Ugh.
Hope you are on your call right now and it's going smoothly :)

@52andblue that sounds like a difficult situation. I hope you can get a longer extension.

@Breakingupbadly72 how is it going?

Just a quick check in.. I feel so much slower in terms of thinking and coming up with ideas, just kinda numb. I got through, real interview tomorrow. To be honest I really feel I am suffering with depression and have someone refer to you as a nut job is very damaging I had a little cry afterwards, my mind keeps going blank.

WELL DONE! for getting through the pre / 1st Interview @Breakingupbadly72
Can you just rest for the rest of today before tomorrow?
If so, can you go for a walk or put a (non romantic!) film on to occupy your mind? failing that, a hot bath and a sleep? You need to be kind to yourself if you can. You are not a 'nut job'. He is cruel to say that.
Your mind is going through a lot, you will be fine but it will take time

@52andblue, I wish I could have done that but I have only just finished work. frazzled and drained and real interview tomorrow. I have time off the rest of the week. I miss him but I can't keep doing the cycles. I keep thinking of him meeting someone else

Well done @Breakingupbadly72 .

Agree with @52andblue calling you a nut job is cruel and unnecessary. Please don't take that to heart, he is lashing out at you and that's not fair.

I hope you sleep well tonight and good luck with the interview.

Thanks for the welcome. @Breakingupbadly72 you got through today, that's the main thing. That's great you have rest at the end of the week to look forward to. I burst into tears after my interview and felt so utterly shit as in just one day I felt like I'd lost my relationship and then definitely not been 'up to the task' in the interview.

Today is Day 3 of NC with the last contact being some voice notes he left on Saturday (which I foolishly replied to and now regret). I think it was the realisation that he will always reply, but how is that going to make me feel when it's clear that he's just being polite... the answer is - shit.

In terms of thinking about them meeting someone else, in my case he has said that he has too much else going on in his life to be able to offer me what I'm looking for. I've also thought about him meeting someone else, or actually being straight on the apps or whatever, and am trying to tell myself - well - if that is what he's doing, then he was a liar and therefore an utter shit. There is nothing I can do about it.

The goal is to crack on with my life and stay focused on the fact that he can't make me happy - unless something radical changes. He was emotionally unavailable and stunted and I was pretending to myself that it didn't matter - but it did and it does. I deserve more.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs, welcome. I really get how you are feeling as I am the same. It is hard to let go.
Interview today, on a positive note at least I haven't woken up crying. Just want to get through, I'm not in beat state of mind.

Best of luck for today @Breakingupbadly72. Can you treat yourself to something afterwards, for getting through it?

Woke up this morning to a message from him sent yesterday, asking how I've got on with my job negotiations (having been offered a job, I'm now waiting for HR to get in touch to discuss terms and despite it now being a week later I've heard nothing!). This is where I normally would reply, try to escalate the contact, and come away feeling frustrated and rejected. Am going to think on it today and whether there is any need to reply at all.

Best of luck today @Breakingupbadly72

Well its over. I'm so pleased and so tired and drained. Feel proud to have got through it given the circumstances. It will be a miracle if I get it.
I hope you are all doing OK. I have a few days off work now. I may buy myself some flowers.
I do feel better at not waiting for messages or rubbish replies , with no enthusiasm. I do feel disappointed it didn't work out

@Breakingupbadly72 pleased it is over now and you have some time off. Look after yourself and do some self care things.
For me that was a big thing, not constantly worrying or wondering why he hadn't replied then eventually cracking and messaging him to get sorry I've been really busy, how are you replies that didn't really make me feel any better - I just wish I had realised that earlier!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs my advice - fwiw based on my experience, don't message back if it's not essential. Try and maintain the NC if you can. x

Thank you. Lots of rest now.
I didn't feel wanted or loved. I didn't feel special. He didn't smile when he saw more. I was on edge, felt stupid at times and had many a bike ride when I may aswell have bern on my own. Conversation was strained, not natural. He was full of his own importance, everything was about him. He visibly would yawn and look uninterested when I talked about myself. It lowered my self esteem, he didn't make me the best me. There were red flags and then the verbal abusive. I am free, I have noone putting me down. I'm sure I will feel different again and miss him but I'm free and safe

@Breakingupbadly72 it really does sound like you are better off without him. I know it hurts at the moment but try and remember how you he made you feel.

You will find someone who treats you how you should be treated.

Thanks @Ineedaslap. I've been pondering and haven't replied yet. It took him 4 days to contact me after our last exchange, despite my last message to him being to ask him a specific question about something. He clearly wasn't too worried about appearing rude.

It's a hard habit to break, the sense of needing to reply to feel 'polite' or worrying that he'll think I'm doing it to prove a point and therefore will think I'm an idiot.

However, I genuinely have other stuff to worry about at the moment, not least this insufferable endless waiting for this job offer to come through. Absolutely sick of it - told a week ago today that they were going to make me an offer, and since then, absolutely nothing from HR. It's getting to be embarrassing and is completely ruining the excitement of being offered it in the first place.

I really do recommend the 'Ignore the guy get the guy' book @Breakingupbadly72 - reading/listening to it on a loop to remind myself all the reasons why contacting them is a terrible idea.

My NC is a very decent person and has never been abusive. But he's not stepped up to the plate in terms of emotional availability and in my more optimistic moments I really do find it offensive that he hasn't valued our relationship enough to put the effort in. But they do HAVE to put the effort in, it's soul destroying otherwise.

I had a mini revelation today in that by learning how to shut down these 'not good enough' relationships, THAT'S how we'll shore up our self-esteem reserves to make us better prepared for the next time around. Each time the ending of a relationship sees us interacting with them like emotional wrecks, hanging on for answers, desperate for closure, it erodes my sense that I'm a strong 'good enough' person ready for next time. I'm absolutely determined this time not to come out of this feeling useless. It's his loss

I've been reading that book, although some of it isn't relevant to my AP it does have a lot of good points in it and really has made me think.

My AP made out he was emotionally available, said a lot of things that made me think we would work it out together, he even said we would. It is clear now that that won't be happening and I wonder if he ever really meant what he said.

Keep flicking your hair @ibelieveinmirrorballs ! You can do this!

I've been doing a lot of that kind of wondering @Ineedaslap - why oh bloody why do they overpromise in the early days? I'm not sure I'm going to ever believe a word a man says any more. I try to be kind and think that he probably meant it in the moment, but what's the point of saying these OTT things and then failing to step up to the plate at the vaguest hint of difficulty?

The thing that has worked for me about the book is managing to cover all options so that even in the event I start thinking 'waaah but I want to work things out between us!' I can continue to think that the strategy has to be the same - no contact. Give him space to think about things. In the meantime I need to focus on myself. The big learning I'm taking from it is that being too nice and accommodating really isn't a good strategy.

1 month, 4 days NC (this is a rship that's had two v intense 5 year phases, 25 years apart, so 1m is a blink of the eye, but still...)

Had a dream last night that he (cracked and) messaged me first.
As I woke up, just before my alarm, I realised it was 'all just a dream'.
However - wait for it -

I chuckled at myself.
Go me :)

@ibelieveinmirrorballs He was saying these things to me right up until it ended. Full of promises. Then his wife found out and we have had to go NC for obvious reasons. I never said the same things back and wonder if I had and had said I would leave my husband for him whether things would have been different? or is that just fantasy land? I guess I'll never know.

@52andblue that's excellent, a step in the right direction for sure! Well done! x

I'm feeling used and sad. I know he will be fine, he got his new job and has started a course. He is probably on dating apps already. Feeling rubbish today had a long walk with a friend. No news for my job.

Evening all. I texted my NC back yesterday evening, with a response to his question but not carrying it on at all.

I finally got confirmation from my new job, and salary negotiation complete - feel slightly in shock at that, as it was easier than I thought it would be. I also now have 6+ weeks off before that one starts - first time in YEARS I've had that length of time off with nothing to worry about in the short term. I will however need to be 'kept busy' to stop fretting about 'end of relationship, nowt to fill it with' thoughts.

When do you think you'll hear about your job @Breakingupbadly72? I downloaded another book today which is also working wonders - the classic 'It's called a break up because it's broken' - I am vaguely amused that I'm enjoying the tone of these books and it's just what I need, instead of more of the hand-wringing 'what did I do wrong, how can I fix myself and make sure this doesn't happen again?' line of writing.

They're very matter of fact in that, heartbreak is shit, breaking up is shit, so the question is - what's the best way of minimising that pain?

(having said the above, I have just sat and listened to a few of his voice notes and made myself unnecessarily sad and nostalgic)

@ibelieveinmirrorballs congratulations re new job! it sounds like you are doing everything you can to help yourself.
I have met another friend for a walk today. Feel much better. I think I'm really finally accepting its over. I was hoping to hear about the job today, I don't think I have got it. I did my best given the circumstances. I do wonder how he is, but it scares me as I think he'll be absolutely fine. I didn't realise just how low I had got until I've met with others I know.

Fingers crossed for you - the whole process is hideous. I had 4 interviews for a job, the first one in November, the last in early Feb, and they STILL haven't got back to me about it.

You may be right that he is fine - I don't know anything about your relationship and what kind of person he is (other than the abusive comments you mentioned earlier). I do think in general men are good at compartmentalising their life and will park anything to do with a break up in one box and fill their time with whatever it takes until feelings disappear. I think my ex will be fine too - he will be working non stop and filling his time with the many things he has to occupy it, and will not ruminate. It's all shit. I have been pondering calling him and thinking through the reasons not to - it won't be a good idea. I want him to want to call me. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to or won't.

Hi everyone can I join?

I had a thing going with a guy for a few months last year. He got back in touch at Xmas and we've been keeping in touch since then everyday.

A week ago he just ignored me and I went back asking why he's ignoring me, he said he wasn't and left it at that. Not been in touch since.

I was hoping to reconcile after lockdown and he gave that impression too. I've seen him on dating sites this week all day long and it's killing me. I can't help but check and he's always on there, looking for someone new!

I go between wanting to send a begging text / to send an angry text. I don't think I should do anything though...he's led me on for 18 months in total.

Please tell me to sit on my hands.

Also feeling used...completely used and annoyed with myself for allowing this cycle to happen repeatedly over the last 18 months.