No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

I'm not exactly NC but LC. It's been 2 wks now. He asked the other day if I had thought about getting back together. I said I hadn't. It felt really cruel but it's the truth. Things hadn't been right for a while and when I caught him messaging his ex, for me, it was over. The whole relationship had turned into a companionship thing anyway.
He hasn't msg me tonight, first time ever. Maybe he's given up.
Massive respect to those of you on here for sticking to NC.

Good morning to everyone (& 'hello' to @NotAgainNoMore x)

How are we all today?

I am getting ready for a house move (in next 8 weeks) which involves getting Ex out of my home: without lawyers pref, (not in a bad way).
Before that, it is kids back to school (I have a Y11 with SN in an awful school so not straightforward) plus lots of other £ / health issues.
So, I have no time & energy for NC, but even less for contact.

I had a 'revelation' t'other day. For my NC, the person he 'can be' with me he cannot be with the other people in his life (and he's old so not likely to start afresh). So I think he will always come back. ATM I am very much in 'discard' phase. BUT... even if he doesn't its HIS LOSS.
Sorry for caps, just struck me forcibly as I was driving 3 days ago. (and it then struck me forcibly that it's taken so long for THAT to strike me forcibly, iyswim, and I laughed which felt GOOD :)

Anyway, enough wittering, sending Sunday blessings out to all NC (and attempting NC, and even thinking about putting yourself first by going NC ' ers) xxx

Hello again.

Staggering on here. NC still. My NC has some MH probs and its always tempting to contact him to check if he is ok when he goes quiet. But, really there is nothing I could do anyway so I'm best to stay out of it.
It's his Bday tomorrow. I've not posted anything. I might send an ecard but will try not to as I don't think we can do 'just friends' very easily.

Hi @52andblue personally I wouldn't contact on his birthday, I couldn't on my NC. I'll be honest it made me very sad, I had planned a little something to do and a present which luckily I hadn't bought.

I can't do friends with mine, I know that. But right now I am in a really good place, probably because I haven't seen him for a while, that may change when I do though. Hopefully it won't be for a while and I'll be even stronger than I am now and it won't affect me.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thanks @Ineedaslap - timely supportive words xxx

I'm glad you feel in a better place right now - that's good to hear

I tell you something a bit pathetic. Last spring, NC sent me a huge box of Green & Blacks Chocolate with many bars in. I'd been unwell (minor thing) & he thoughtfully sent it. However that is SO unusual for him that I couldn't bear to open and eat it. So I saved it. Tonight I thought: 'sod it, I'll open some, it's only chocolate not the crown jewels'. I unwrapped and ate a tiny miniature ginger bar in very poor light. After I thought, that tasted funny. Opened another and the whole lot is covered in mould. Yak! Clearly I kept it too long but it is thick with it, so maybe wasn't fresh when delivered? Anyway, it's a metaphor I think! Maybe aversion therapy to NC (hope it doesn't make me sick!)

I was with him for almost 5 years, we broke up a month ago after me asking him how he felt about us and he said he'd never been in love with me. I was shocked and heartbroken but thought I was getting better until today when the tears just keep on flowing. We've had no contact but I can't get him out of my head, even though I want to.

@52andblue that's a shame about the chocolate but maybe it is a sign that the relationship is past it's use by date now? Or at least you could use it as such!

I had a little wobble last night, not sure why, where I suddenly really wanted to see him. I think I will keep on having them until I get the chance to ask him the questions I need to and get full closure.

I hope you are feeling ok and no ill effects from the chocolate!

@Teatimes2 that's awful, I feel for you. So many years invested in a relationship only to have that happen. We all have had those moments where it hits us, but it does get better. Stay strong x

Hi @Teatimes2

Sorry that you are feeling so rough right now. I think all you can do is tough it out if possible. Time really does help is a cliche (but true).
The only thing I know is that if you 'go back' then you just have to start it all again later on sadly. Sending love xxx

@Ineedaslap sorry you are feeling wobbly right now. It's hard, huh?
The thing about 'closure' is that you might never get it? (as it takes two to co operate in that kind of convo and maybe he just won't?
I hope it does happen for you, it's easier to move on if so for sure x

I sent a 'card' via Messenger. It said: 'here is proof I've remembered you birthday. do we have to do this every year?' It said it all for me.

So, I started this year with 3 people I was trying to go NC with (as they are all long term friends, all ex-boyfriends and all seem determined to see me in a very 1 dimensional way. So, I decided to go NC or at least grey rock if they were not able to change that. I have managed to go NC with 2 out of 3 now and by far the most difficult was number 2 (so number 3 will be far easier). Onwards and upwards. Potentially a bit lonely as I thought old friends, but making room for better in my life.

AND I'm 'grey rock' ing with Ex as I can't NC with him due to kids.
Sounds like I've fallen out with everyone of signficance in my life.
Not so, but I am having a 'clean sweep' this year of relationships which have (no doubt partly due to my actions as a hangover from childhood) got very very 'stuck'. It seems the right time, and the only course of action. It's scary but I have to start living on my terms.
(righto, self pep talk over, off to put into practice)

@52andblue I like the words on that card!! Very good. I too am NC'ing more than one person. One of whom was someone I thought was a friend, I then realised she had been using me so where before I was trying to keep in contact I have gone complete NC, and I feel so much better for it.

Like you I am having a clean sweep this year, the past year has made me rethink me and my relationships with people. I am going to be true to myself and not pander to others. I'll still be there for the true friends I have but others? Nah.

With regard to mine and the closure issue, I think he will speak to me about it if we can get together in the right place and the right time. He has before. Can't say more than that as potentially outing.

Hi @Ineedaslap

Thanks for your reply. It's very interesting to know that I'm not the only one doing a 'clean sweep' this year. I get grabbed by feelings of 'no one likes you / you are bad at relationships' then I try to remember that my patterns re this were set by my Narc mother and truly awful childhood so no wonder it has affected many of my adult relationships (in a way that is damaging for me not them). So, once you 'see it' then you see it everywhere, even in tiny strands which can be improved as well as the relationships which are so extremely damaged that NC is the only option.

2 gems: I also ignored NC b'day on FB. He has deliberately set a different day to his actual bday (which i know from his passport but of course he also told me when I was in 'idealise' phase). He then snorts at those who send him bday wishes via FB on 'the wrong day'. When he told me I told him that, at his age, he should be glad of all the bday wishes he gets even if (manipulated by him) they are a few days 'late'.
Nutcase!

Mother ignored my bday again this year. I deliberated over a Mother's Day card. She fed and clothed me but also actively promoted my abuse by another family member so I've had very mixed feelings since i addressed that in my early 20's (at which point she stopped spelking to me and ensured the rest of the family did too so she is my only point of contact - classic Narc stuff). Anyways, not to go into 'Stately Homes' territory here but it is relevant for the pattern being set. I sent a basic card with £20 in. I got a reply: 'thanks for card and enc. Waiting for my 2nd jab. I don't see why I have to wait longer than (her husband). My life has totally changed'. That was it. No enq after either of her disabled grandchildren or me (CV). Same old same old.
But I think 'grey rock' works best for me. Less dramatic than NC but still in control - that's the thing.

Hope you are okay and thinking of others on the thread too xxx

@52andblue I think as I get older I am becoming less tolerant of people taking the mickey and using me - which is why I am surprised at how I have allowed AP to treat me - that's feelings for you I suppose?

As for the friend, she clearly used me, and I am not alone in thinking that. It still makes me sad, but it is the right thing for me to go NC.

Well done on ignoring his birthday, and sorry about your mum and childhood. That is really sad. I hope you are ok.

I didn't have a horrendous childhood but there were issues there which I think made me less emotional which is why the fact I am so emotional about AP is such a surprise. He really got under my skin.

There is a very very outside chance our paths may cross this week. Not sure how I feel about that. It's been coming on for 2 months since we last had contact and about 4/5? weeks since I saw him in passing. So in one way it will be good if I do see him as it will be a bit of a test for me to see how I react, and how he reacts when he sees me.

Hope everyone else on this thread is ok,

@Ineedaslap - thanks for your words.
I guess I wanted to say I can see the threads of why I've tolerated what I have. Of course that still means I (we?) need to change / fix that (not THEM ie NC) but understanding is the first part of overcoming I think?

I hope that if you do run across each other this week it is helpful for you in moving on. I live a long way away from my NC so there is zero chance of that which helps me. Do you think you will feel any different to your last chance encounter? I hope you feel okay enough about it.
Thinking of you x

@52andblue yep, understanding why you feel or act the way you (I) do is a fundamental part of moving on I think. I have done a lot of thinking about things my dad did when I was younger and it has made me see why I am who I am in a much clearer way, and also how I can change that pattern of behaviour.

The difference this time will be that I know there is a possibility of seeing him, last time I was caught by surprise, so hopefully it won't be such an intense feeling. I also want to see how he reacts, as stupidly I still want to see if there is anything there. Urgh.

I'm back briefly for back together and a huge WhatsApp argument where he became abusive. Called me a manipulative vindictive bitch, a nut job, I need help. Feel very low, he made me feel worthless

@Breakingupbadly72

PLEASE don't accept those words!
Whatever you have (or probably haven't anyway!) done, that is no way to speak to someone who you once claimed to care about which I am assuming he did. 'Nut job' is pretty perjorative too (tho I used 'nutcase' about my NC upthread but in an affectionate way in my head at least - the tone is really important I think and this doesn't sound kind at all)

I am sorry you feel low. No wonder after those words.
But PLEASE don't let him make you feel worthless.
He is just one man, with one little opinion.
I hope you can get some rest tonight xx

Oh @Breakingupbadly72 that sounds horrid. How nasty of him.

I take it you are going to go full NC now? Sounds like that would be the best thing for you. Please don't let him get to you, keep talking to us here

thanks both, woke up with palpitations having previously been in an abusive relationship ots triggering. what makes it worse is i have a job interview and feel I can't cope

Hello everyone - I'd like to join. I'm going NC with my ex, we were together for about 5 months so not a biggie but one of my first forays into romance since horrific divorce a few years ago.

Yet another case of someone kind of love-bombing, over-promising, then getting wishy-washy which was driving me mad - so I laid out what exactly I needed from the relationship and he came back and said he didn't think he was able to give it. I'm proud of myself for handling this all in a pretty calm way (my usual tactic is to wail and gnash teeth and send hundreds of texts ) but this time I've been - to him at least - fairly upbeat and pragmatic.

Behind the scenes though... I'm struggling with it. Wanting more closure, answers etc. Despite him over-promising etc he is a very nice guy who has treated me with respect and dignity and we've talked like adults about the issues etc. I know I can call him and he will respond. BUT - that doesn't mean it is helping me to stay in touch and yesterday I downloaded 'Ignore the guy, get the guy' which at a 2-hour listen on audible manages to quell any desire I have to get in touch - because it addresses each outcome and manages to convince me that NO MATTER WHAT OUTCOME I want, NC is the best strategy.

This works for me because sometimes my mind races from 'we're meant to be together, he didn't really mean it, in time he'll step up to the plate'... to 'because of all THEEEEESE reasons he wasn't right anyway, fuck him' - and I needed a plan which stopped my mind manipulating casual/random reasons to give him a call or send a WhatsApp.

We've had NC since Saturday, the theory is that if he doesn't get in touch within a month, well - that's my answer right there. We got on so brilliantly well - I thought - that he'd never do that. But as time goes on, I'm starting to acknowledge this may really be the outcome. It hurts.

Sorry for long intro message!

@Breakingupbadly72 echoing other people here - don't accept those words. NC is the way to go.

Now for your interview. What time is it? If it's any consolation - I had a very hard interview two weeks ago and my NC told me he didn't think things were going to work out 3 hours before the interview.

I was a mess. Did the interview and whilst it wasn't a disaster, I felt absolutely sure I wouldn't have got the job. Found out last week that I had. (fingers crossed, as still haven't had official offer and won't feel sure until it's over the line!)

Focus on you now. Are you doing the interview online? I made loads of notes and had them dotted around my desk out of sight - it was a competency based interview and it felt like being grilled in an intensive exam!

@Breakingupbadly72

Thinking of you re interview - what time is it?
All you can do is give it your best shot: you'll prob do really well :)
Try to put him out of your head for today (easier said and all that)
I'll be thinking of you today xxx

@Breakingupbadly72 sending hugs to you, you might find the interview helps to take your mind off things. Good luck!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs good luck with the NC, sounds like you are doing the right thing. I'll be looking at that Ignore the guy get the guy, in the hope it makes me stop my silly thoughts!

Hi @ibelieveinmirrorballs and WELCOME!!

I think if this is your first foray into romance / intimacy after a horrible divorce then it IS a big deal and you are bound to be vulnerable.
It sounds like you are doing a great job - I'm proud of you too :) x
I will go search out that TED talk thank you. I could do with hearing it right now too. I also swing between 'this is the worst relationship I've ever been involved with' and 'he is the love of my life / it's meant to be' but it helps to know that the NC approach is the right one in either case!

mock interview 15 mins, tired after crying this morning. Don't feel upbeat or smiley..Will have to fake it.. pray for me

I AM @Breakingupbadly72

I'm about to do a tricky call (to the DWP to see if I can stay in my current address until my ds does his GCSE's this summer). Pray for me too? xxx