No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

@Ineedaslap wow I felt like I was the only one. I've been literally up all night as he "was packing and would be with me within the hour" and wife is violent so I was worried sick. More than once. I've booked breaks away for after his deadline for leaving and had to cancel and lose money. And it goes on. And still. I'm here.

@FreeAt50 sucks doesn't it?

Yet I kept making more plans only to be let down again, I am embarrassed to admit just how many times he let me down. I made so many excuses for him!

Luckily I didn't book anything that cost money, he was talking about taking me away so he would have paid at least.

@Ineedaslap I was embarrassed too but then I read and heard about so many other intelligent, independent women (and men!) who'd been in the exact same place and it helped me feel less stupid!
I'm glad you escaped it. My time may yet come!

@FreeAt50 I've not really escaped yet, I still harbour daft ideas that we might get together. That he will see me again and leave her for me when I tell him how I actually feel - I never have yet.

I will only know how it is when I see him.

@Ineedaslap I understand. We've declared the whole undying love etc. It's coming to a head though and I realise it's got to go one way or the other especially with lockdown easing because I want a life!
Would kill me to walk away but I have to be realistic at some point. More false promises would be worse I fear.

@FreeAt50 He has said he loves me, and other things. I have never reciprocated, I am not good at that!

But I have decided that I am going to if I can get a chance as I feel I need to so I know either way if he meant it or not. I might get closure or I might end up doing something daft. Who knows?!

Just checking in.. another 2 nights spent with mine. I want it to work so much, but deep down I know it won't. Its killing me. I think I'm just in denial and it is affecting my home and work life. I'm scared to tell him again. Once we break off we get back together again and it goes round in circles. I feel numb in this relationship. He doesn't show real interest in me, I just don't feel it. He has left this morning and I'm feeling numb and unsure of next steps

@Breakingupbadly72 You have spent the last 2 nights with him in person? Do you think he is using you?

Reading your post you don't come over as being happy that you just spent two nights together. So if it isn't making you happy then you maybe need to make a hard decision? which I know is really difficult.

@Ineedaslap, I'm just not sure if he is using me. There are nice moments but I don't feel secure in the relationship. I feel I'm giving more and he is emotionally unavailable. Doesn't pick up on little things, doesn't followup on things. It makes me anxious. Yet, he says he loves me and wants a future? its hard yes, I keep investing and trying but I'm hurting myself

Have you told him how you feel about the relationship?

How long has this been going on?

I know what you mean about the doesn't pick up on and follow up on things, mine never did either and it was always a bit of a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that that wasn't right. Something happened this weekend that really brought things into perspective for me, and I have I hope finally put this to rest for me. I can't say on here as it would be massively outing, but it was to do with this sort of thing.

@Ineedaslap - I've read most of your posts and the thing that stands out is how much you waver between being resolutely decided NC to wanting to be with him. Time and time again - is that right? Could I give you some advice, if it helps? You're always going to regret the things you didn't do so you need to tell him exactly how you feel about him. Even if it turns out that he doesn't want to be with you, you won't regret speaking up. I've been there so I know.

@Dress3 yup, you are absolutely correct! Thank you for posting.

I am feeling so much better now after this weekend, and know that I absolutely do not want to be with him. I am however going to tell him how the things he said made me feel, if I get the chance to anyway, as I think he needs to know that. Not sure it will make any difference, but it needs to be done so I can get closure at least.

Good morning!
how is everybody today?

I am in a quiet phase. After the hoovering around Valentine's Day (3 'I love you' statements in a fortnight and 3 cards in the same month - highly highly unusual for Him) he has, predictably, gone quiet.
More to the point so have I ! I think I am seeing properly how limited he is now (won't go into huge details but it is clear across his life).
He wanted to be the person he first presented. I wanted him to be that man too. That was possibly the last point we wanted the same thing!
Anyway, I have lots to get on with in my life atm so am trying not to think of him. My dreams are sabotaging that a bit but I think thats just my subconscious working it all through so I'm not getting too wobbled by that. Onwards and upwards.

Speak your truth, then move on. That's my motto for 2021! xxx

Ive been reading a 2015 American Scientist article on Narcissists

"Narcissism expert W. Keith Campbell compares interacting with narcissists to eating chocolate cake: “When I eat chocolate cake, 20 minutes later I'm under my desk wanting to die. When I eat broccoli, in 20 minutes I feel good. But given the choice I always eat the cake.”
Bit lightweight and quite negative (we aren't doomed to eat the cake for all time) but I like the simplicity of it: ie put / allow to stay only nourishing people into your life / soul, not ones who offer a quick artificial high followed by a horrible crash. Eat Broccoli not Cake!

@52andblue I love that analogy! it sums up neatly how I was with him. He was like a weird bad drug for me.

In complete contrast I got a lovely message from someone over the weekend, we had a nice conversation, all totally unexpected and I am still smiling three days later. Says it all eh?!

Well done on staying NC with him. Keep on with the other things in your life, it will get better xx

I saw exDP on Saturday as he was finally ready to spend time with the kids. For an hour. While I was there too. He got DS a phone for his birthday and kept telling him he could call or message any time (he himself isn’t technically allowed to contact me or the DC in writing). He texted both last night about 9pm when they were fast asleep. Not sure whether to respond...

Can I join the thread? I've just read it all in an attempt to gain some strength and determination. You are all doing so much better than I am.

This is day 3 of NC for me. Dumped by DP many weeks ago, and really struggling to let go. The pain is unbearable and the tears still keep on coming. I'm ashamed to say I have completely lost my dignity and self respect by sending many messages over the weeks. He has responded now and again, but very emotionless texts which acknowledge very little of what I've said.
I need to stop. I know I do. But I'm so devastated I just can't. It's pathetic.
He last messaged me on Friday, but he didn't even read my reply. I messaged again Sunday but again it's not been read.
So here I am, desperately trying to get through day 3 of NC

Hello @TaytosandTutus and you are Very Welcome here!

You are NOT pathetic however, (even if you feel it right now). What you are doing is going through a process perhaps including some grieving for a relationship you valued highly which someone else has taken away, unilaterally. It's painful! but you will come through this, even if it takes years (it has for me!) and emerge a strong dignified woman. Please keep posting and a handhold / hug from me xxx

@Bearsinmotion what did you end up doing - or not doing?

@TaytosandTutus Hi and welcome, it is hard at first, it really is. But I am 5 weeks in now and feeling so so much better, so it does get easier.
I remember how I felt when the messages weren't read, and I am not missing that feeling at all now. Don't contact him, find something else to distract you and keep posting here x

I didn’t respond. But I had to today as he’s decided he can’t pay his half of the mortgage any more because he’s living somewhere else and wants me to pay him £400 “rent”. So basically I pay 75% of the mortgage for 50% of the equity, so that I can live in the house with his children. Or we sell.

FFS @Bearsinmotion - he thinks that's reasonable??? Grrr...

Oh @Bearsinmotion that's not on.

And this has to be sorted by the 1st of April or we go into arrears.

Thank you @52andblue and @Ineedaslap

I've just been for a walk to pass some time as the evenings are the most difficult time to get through. I feel so lonely and it hurts so much that he doesn't care. I keep composing messages to him in my head but I guess it's better to do that than to actually send them.
I long for the day that i don't go to sleep or wake up thinking about him, or constantly check my phone to see if he has messaged, or wonder a hundred times a day what he is doing or who he is with

Yes @TaytosandTutus - I think we can all relate to those feelings xxx