No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

@freeat50 I think the difference with my set up is I ended mine still loving him and vice vesta. We didnt want to break up, it was my choice as we couldn't move forward (me more concerned) I didn't want to.
He replied, no blame, arguing his point I guess which is fair enough.
We've talked, for a long time. We've decided to compromise and would rather be together than seperate rather than be apart and still not have what we wanted. Some would disagree but we've both been thoroughly miserable for the past few weeks now. We will see what happens

Day 2. I wish I could bring myself to block him everywhere. Spent 2 nights with him last weekend. He friended me on Facebook and he is now friends with his ex again. The ex he cooked for when we were dating. Who even does that? furious. It made me feel rubbish, it undermines our relationship. I wish I could just bring myself to block him everywhere. I've deactivated Facebook as I couldn't bring myself to unfriend. I'm so so angry. When I spoke to him, no response he just said he had to go.

@Ntwa I feel like I am in a similar position. We both love one another very much, I am ready to move on together, he isn't yet. Everything else is really good, but I know it has to come to a head at some point and it really feels like that time is coming soon and have a feeling it wont go my way, hence looking at this thread for future support!

It’s over a month for me.

I blocked him and he isn’t allowed contact by law for now.

I miss him and do love him but I think it’s more to do with lockdown.

@freeat50 I understand that. Its hard isn't it knowing what to do. I do love him. My worry is we've fallen out. A lot about something we can't change and I've realised he's more important.. Wether we can come back from it will be down to him now, he's more sensitive than me.
I don't know where you go really but then you could say that about anyone new

After 5 days NC, he had to pick up his stuff from mine. We had a cup of tea together. He told me how sorry he was and wants to remain friends, with a view to proving himself/making changes etc. He wants me in his life on whatever terms I want. I got upset and he left. I unblocked him and we messaged for a while last night. Mainly me asking questions, unpicking the relationship. In the end I sent a final msg saying we couldn't be friends right now as I need time to get over it, work on myself and my issues but maybe in the future. Then I blocked again.

@notagainnomore it's so hard isn't it.
I did 30 days before we had contact (bday) we then chatted/argued back and forth. I said I'd have liked to be amicable but it's not that easy is it. Each day is another one gone x

Not a good idea to be friends or even entertain the idea. Try to think about why you are here in the first instance. You should focus on you and just move forward. It gets easier with time and you will realise that you are better off, maybe that you dint even think about it anymore. I say this from experience but I know it’s hard. You can do it though- remember, YOU come first.

Morning all.

@February9 I agree about the not being friends, I ignored my NC when it went wrong the first time for months, and then we started talking again, and off we went again! You'd think I'd have known better.

I won't get sucked in a third time.

@Ntwa and @freeat50 - kinda feel in the same boat as you both. Don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face!
Think I'm going to unblock now and again just to check in, see if he's making the changes he needs to but I won't see him again unless I'm 100% certain. I need time to reflect and makes changes myself.

This is how the reel you in. I’d block and change number. Don’t get caught in it it, otherwise cycle will never end

@notagainnomore it's hard isn't it.
Were back speaking, diff scenario as some on here as neither wanted to break, no bad behaviour just a decison to be made. I don't know how I feel tbh, he's hardly making an effort, then I think I'm over reacting and don't know what's what. Sigh.
Hope you get the right decison for you

The thing is @Feruary 19, he doesn't know what I'm thinking/doing.

He wants to make the changes for himself. He didn't sleep with anyone but he did discuss me with his ex and continued messaging her. There were other issues between us and rather than sort them/discuss, I withdrew.

There is no gaslighting, I know how I behaved. He's not pointed the finger of blame on me, he acceps his mistake. We were both of the view you can't be friends with old flames, ex DW/DH fine as kids involved.
@Ntwa - difficult for you, only time will tell.

Apologies, name fail - s/b @February9

Feeling angry tonight.
Listening to Sinead.

I guess angry is better than sad. And detachment will be better still.

This too:

Ach. Off to bed. No wine. No calling him. Just sleep.
Tomorrow IS another day! !

@52andblue hope you are ok and get some sleep tonight.

Can I hop on board? Newcomer to mumsnet although been lurking for awhile! Day 5 of NC here, trying to break free from a toxic relationship, first time I’ve done NC, having up and down days and wildly fluctuating emotions. Can I ask what people are doing when the urge to text gets overwhelming?

@Ineedaslap
thank you xxx (it's grim right now)

Hello and welcome @Amethyst1974
Hopefully you will find lots of support and companionship on this thread. Unfortunately I'm the wrong person to ask right now but in general I think distraction and putting your energy into you not him / 'you and him' is the only way. It takes time, 9and some false starts sometimes) but you will get there.

52andblue thanks for the welcome. So hard isn’t it. Trying to keep busy but keep crumbling. I ended the relationship due to his unwillingness to commit and his words not matching his actions but when things were good they were fantastic. I miss the daily interaction. Guess this is my new reality now.

@52andblue sorry to hear that. I hope things improve for you.

Hello @Amethyst1974 it is hard, I tried to go NC many times before this but always crumbled. Now I have no choice but to be, and it's killing me.
I miss the contact more than the physical side in a way.

My advice is to try and remember the things that made you want to go NC in the first place and focus on those. If you can find something to do to distract yourself from it.

I'm a just over a month in and it does get better. I don't check my messages all the time now 'just in case'.

ineedaslap thank you. I’ve been reading your comments with great interest as I could have written them. My NC is an AP (both married) I suppose our situation was different as he never future faked me, but he was a selfish man child who wanted his cake and eat it and the whole thing has just broken me. 3 years on I have IBS and anxiety and at the weekend although nothing particular happened I had a breakdown and told him I couldn’t handle the restrictions and ended it. It totally blindsided him and I haven’t heard from him but I’m not reaching out either.

I was super worried about coming on mumsnet and confessing to an affair as I know posters can have a really hard time but I’m so glad I found this thread x

@Amethyst1974 I was worried about posting too but have found nothing but support on here.

I like the term future faked, that is what mine did, he even said about doing stuff later in the year?! I don't know if he meant the things he said or not, I like to think he did. There is a lot I have not put on here as it would be outing. I do still intend to ask him if I get the chance.

As you have read my comments you will know I am broken too, I had/have feelings for him I have never had before. But I can say it does gradually get better, I am in a better place now than I was mid January. Or at least I am until I see him!

@ineedaslap I’m happy to hear you’re in a better place. I hope to be too one day. When I say future faked, he never promised me a future with just me and him but he did make a lot of plans for us to see each other and do things together, the majority of which never materialised so I just felt like I was waiting the whole time and wasting my life. So o guess in a way he did future fake me. The effect on my physical health has been frightening and I think this is what has spurred me into action. I’ve developed IBS as a result of all the anxiety. Even though I’m in incredible amounts of pain right now I know ending it is the right thing to do. It’s just filling the void that’s left behind. 3 years of daily contact now nothing. The only way is up though. Feel free to pm me if you want to offload x

@Amethyst1974 mine made lots of plans then let me down so many times.

Such a shame your physical health has been affected, but I can understand how it would happen, it's all consuming isn't it?

I have just been so distracted with it all that my work and home life have suffered. I know where you are with the contact thing, I miss it so much.

I might well PM you if that is ok, you can also offload to me too x