No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

@52andblue thank you for your kind words x

Those who are NC with former APs and struggling, have you deleted their numbers and blocked them from all forms of communication?

I am guessing that the reason for going NC is because the affair is over, or at least the physical side. If you are working things through with your dhs, then don't undo the hard work by caving in to temptation to contact.

Morning all.

@Ntwa hugs to you, agree with @52andblue being able to talk helps sp much and we can't at the moment which makes it harder I think.

I was where you are on Saturday after seeing mine in passing last week, yesterday I felt so much stronger. It does get better - gradually.

@Ruminating2020 You are 100% absolutely correct about undoing the hard work. Mine is over, but because it has to be. I need to be strong and not restart. I can't completely block etc as we work in the same place, so I will see him. I already have in fact but not had to speak to yet. Dreading that, I shake when I see him so heaven only knows how I'll be when I have to actually have contact.

@Ineedaslap -argh so hard for you if you have a physical reaction like that. Sending hugs (and strong vibes ) to you too!

re 'undoing the hard work'
Do you remember I was grumping that I'd had specialist Breast Unit investigations appointment last week and he'd ignored?
(I guess he called 3 times at 6am Sat but I ignored as I was asleep!). Then Sunday, I'd found the letters from 30 years ago when he told me 'never to contact him again' (he then moaned A LOT about me 'dumping him back then' when we got back in touch 4 years ago - I'd 'ruined his life' apparently...). Well, it's obvs all water under the bridge now (30 years!) but I must admit I sent a screenshot of that letter to him via Messenger with the attached comment: 'helpful to me to find this, it clarifies things - maybe neither of us behaved well under stress, I still think we are not good for each other. I wish you 'fare-well.' (he's not seen it yet but tends to check Mger weekly anyway).

So, my neighbour just knocks on the front door: she's had my post misdelivered from last week (new postie). In it is a nice card from NC wishing me well for the appointment and asking me to let him know how it goes. Ooof. So now I think: do I cancel the message about the old letter (he will see a 'cancelled message' message anyway).
Or just block and forget the whole thing?

@52andblue Oh no! Why write though rather than message.

Do you want the relationship to be over still? if so then maybe the message is a good thing? Or are you hoping to carry on in some way? I'm not sure if it's too late now to remove it off messenger for both, isn't there a time limit?

As for me, I have always had a massive physical reaction to him, never known anything like it, and I can't stop it either. I have tried.

@Ineedaslap Thanks for your response. Is changing jobs or offices an option for you? What would you say was this massive physical reaction to your AP? Is it not just limerance/infatuation which will wear off at some point?

I don't think you will recover until there is absolute no contact because he is triggering a reaction from you and that isn't healthy.

@Ineedaslap
Yes the rship needs to be over, for my sake. So maybe the message is a good thing. I need not to let a single greetings card not knock me off course - he was amused by how big an effect his Valentine's card had!

Re the physical reaction - I wondered if mine was Limerance too. But goodness, a 30 year gap Limerance? (tho mine is worse this time around than it was the 1st time and really odd as he is not remotely 'my type' / physically attractive). Whatever it IS, it is not good news.

@Ruminating2020 Thank you for your reply. No can't move jobs. I don't see him every day though.

I wondered if it was limerance, but this has been going on for a couple of years now, I liked him before we started the affair, always have. So I don't think so. How can I tell? I have such a strong reaction to him, and I have felt utterly heartbroken the last few weeks. I've never felt like this before.

I know what you mean about NC and moving on, I am just hoping that the reaction lessens as time goes on.

@52andblue

Yep, whatever it is - it's not good for us!

@52andblue and @Ineedaslap boy oh boy the physical reaction is a killer. I have been SO ill throughout the bad times. Huge physical response both positive and negative.
I know he is bad for me, deep down, but I can't escape. And I know there is no chance I can go NC!

Limerence can last a long time. I know that there is an AP free thread running at the moment so I guess you will find tips on moving on from an AP over there.

If you are working things out with your dh, will that not motivate you to refrain from contact?

@FreeAt50 it really is isn't it?

Like you I know he is bad for me but it doesn't stop me wanting him!

Well I've had a reply from him, and I've replied and quite frankly I wonder why he bothered writing me a novel when he's clearly done. I feel so awful tonight, brave face all day tomorrow when I'm breaking down inside.. Eurgh this is the worst thing x

@ntwa I'm so sorry. But I suppose you do at least know now.

I hope you are ok today

@Ntwa

You'll will get through today. 1 step at a time. 1 day at a time.
It will take time. Perhaps lots. But it will, one day, not hurt xxx

I haven't checked in since last week. I'm back to day 1 what more can I say? feeling very low.
Sending positive vibes to everyone

@Ntwa Is he done though? I had had the longest novels when he isn't really done but just had a LOT to say. Mostly justifying why it wouldn't work and setting out his terms and conditions (you gotta laugh!).

I would reply and off it would start again before it even ended. I find this the most difficult. I think if he made the break and stuck to it, I would just have to get on with my life. But he cant or wont and says its because of how he feels. And so the cycle continues.

Feel for you, the pain is immense :(

@Breakingupbadly72 we have all been there, numerous times for most of us - be kind to yourself

@Breakingupbadly72 I've been there, it hurts, look after yourself.

I suppose in a way I am lucky that I cannot under any circumstances contact mine again, but I so wish I could! I miss the messages and chats more than the physical side of it.

to those who need them.

Sending good vibes and hugs out to all that need it this morning.
Feeling low myself. But: 'Onwards and upwards' (no choice!) xxx

I’m in on this! Was seeing a narcissist. I posted on another thread “any advice after coming out of emotionally abusive relationship”. So glad a group like this exists.

Think of all the reasons you are lucky to be without him. Think about ALL the things you want for yourself and that make you happy.

It’s so hard and I feel your pain but don’t get trapped in comms xxx

Hi @February9 I have found the people on this thread really helpful and supportive.
I am now a month in NC, I was a mess at first, and I still have moments of being upset but it does get easier with time. Although I know when I see mine it will be hard, I need to be strong.

You can do it. I had a similar experience, working with someone is harder BUT you do heal.

A month of NC is amazing . 💕❤️

Thank you! it is enforced though. There is no way I can contact him so it sort of takes the urge to away, so has made the NC part easier, but I miss him and our chats/banter so much!