No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

@ineedaslap me too.. We've had moments like this before but this is it. I cannot get out of my head good bits, constant reminders, I feel like I cant turn off.. Its the worst feeling. Am now awaiting a casual reply to make me feel worse, I need the stuff gone to be able to switch off properly.
I hope you're OK, I know you're not.. Its the worst feeling

@Ntwa it's so hard isn't it? today has been a day of reminders. I am trying to remember the bad things, the things that happened that really upset and annoyed me. But even so, I miss him so so much.

It's good that I cannot under any circumstances contact him I guess. I have decided that when I do see him, and I know I will do, I am going to tell him how I feel, the feelings I have for him, I won't hold anything back. I hope that helps me move on.

Look after yourself xx

@ineedaslap I listed negatives.. It hasn't helped. My brain jumps from memory to memory and it hurts a lot.
I ended up sending a long message to him, good and bad.. I feel better I've got it off my chest, he's the sort of guy that will justify his answer (not that I'm expecting one) and that should tell me something but its done and he will always know how I feel.
I think it's got to be harder seeing them.. Luckily I won't but whatever you feel is best to do that helps do it.
Hugs x

@Ntwa we work at the same place so I need to talk to him and get it out in the open and the air cleared at least. Also then I will know if he meant all the stuff he said,. Meanwhile, I will cry myself to sleep again tonight...

Hugs to you too xx

Hi @Ineedaslap
Hi @Ntwa

Sorry to hear you are both finding it painful.
Sorry I've not been on much these last few days.
After the 'hoovering' that went on last weekend I wondered if I'd be dropped. Guess what? He knew I'd been recalled within 2 weeks of a breast screening to a specialist clinic for further tests (a 100m round trip involved). I'm fine thank goodness, but he doesn't know that.
He took 3 days to call and the call lasted less than 2mins during which he informed me he was 'off to buy some bread and milk' and that 'he would try to call later'. I didn't get the chance to tell him I was okay as I started to speak and he just cut me off. Utter tosser.
NC Day 2...

@52andblue sorry to hear that you have had a stressful week. Pleased it is all ok.

Keep the NC going, hard as it is xx

@52andblue I'm glad you're OK. It really shows their priorities and what we mean. Bread and milk? Wow.
@ineedaslap I understand that. Its a process isn't it. We learn.. I hope tomorrow's a better day.

Thank you @Ntwa and @Ineedaslap

Yes, he was DESPERATE to get in the 'bread and milk' remark.
Gabbled it quick and rang off before I could reply.
Just shows how rigidly he has to stick to the cycle I guess.
I don't take it personally now - I am now able to value myself independently of his silly games and shenanigans. But it has taken time. Before, every time we go around the cycle it upset me massivily. Now it just tires me. I don't think I need to do it again - phew!!

Please can I join?
Only on the 2nd day.
Still reeling of the shock of find out he was messaging his ex g/f, stating he was single, blah blah blah. He was using me. Had endless messages on every platform begging forgiveness etc - blocked on every one.
Really finding it hard to process everything.
I have to contact him soon to arrange the return of his belongings and am dreading it.
Sorry for everyone else going through this

@notagainnomore I'm also awaiting stuff being collected.. Its very hard.. Keep going

Hello again. I have been doing ok but had another reminder today when I got a message saying he wants to see the kids. It was all about him, how much he misses the children, how hard it all is. But no thought on how they are coping, or how I am. It genuinely doesn’t occur to him to ask. He is finding his work difficult. He is unable to clean his flat. I have 2 kids to home school, a full time job and a house I have cleaned from top to bottom, and to top it all, the DWP want to assess my benefits 9 months earlier than planned. But poor him.

Hello @NotAgainNoMore and Welcome!! (sorry you are here due to circs of course but welcome x) There is lots of support here. YOu can unload about the fuckwittery you are experiencing from them and any you do in return iyswim. Processing what he has done will take time, and not be linear, but stick with it and keep posting here if it helps. sending love x

@Bearsinmotion I've an exH like that too. He misses the children but only as an extension of himself and doesn't seem to see that we are people in our own right / have needs etc - all about him. Yy to the DWP stuff too - just horrible to go through. Stick with it, you will get there. x

After the extravagant (for him!) hoovering of 14th, then the ignoring of the midweek Breast Cancer clinic appointment, I get a text at 6.30am today. I ignore, so he sends 2 more at 2mins apart spacing. I've ignored. I'm too damn tired!

Happy Sunday Everyone. I guess tomorrow we have the 'unlockdown routemap' to look forward to (not getting into politics here but hopefully we can begin to see the route for Spring and socialising) x

@52andblue I think it can possibly go on forever can't it if we stay in dialogue. It's hard though. Mine was sent a long message yesterday saying how he's treating me is unacceptable.. I told him he'd prob disagree and that I'd now get the silence again but that was OK because I was used to it and quite frankly why would I want that. I never thought he was a narc, now I'm not so sure. The memories are hard to get past when someone's been so so lovely till you out your foot down.
As for the route map.. How awful of me to say this after all the time we've endured this saga but I wish we were still locked down.. I hate the thought of being out without him and being unable to experience what we did together.. Thats awful isn't it.

@Ntwa
I do have concern that my particular situation could go on forever as It was 5 intense years, followed by a gap of 20 followed by another (5 in Oct) intense years. Will it go on till he dies? (he is 20 yrs older than me)
Not good for either of us so I have to stay strong
Re lockdown. No, that is not awful of you. For me it helped too. I've realised that the freedom that I associated with Him (after many years trapped with exH) was an illusion. And I need to not meet him again when I can. It helps that we live a long way apart and neither can easily travel, so it is only likely to 'come up' a few times/yr anyway. But yes, it will be a 'deep breath' in lots of ways before we unlock I think? x

Thanks for the welcome @52andblue. I was genuinely puzzed by the hoovering comment about your ex, lol, thought he'd gone through the house, great! I looked it up - narcissist right? I think pretty sure actually my ex has Dependent Personality Disorder so NC seems the only way to go but I feel sorry for him as I know he's suffering - only because I caught him out. Guess is takes time to throw off the shackles of sorting his problems for him.

Hi again @NotAgainNoMore
Yes. I am not especially a fan of terms but 'hoovering' is one I have learned. Some people will push you away but when that works will try to suck you back into the interaction - known as 'hoovering'.
My NC person is a Narcissist yes but no good at housework, no!

Interestingly, I found (about an hour ago, going through some very old paperwork) a letter he'd written me in 1993. Dumping me. I'd forgotten it. When he re contacted me in 2016 and claimed I'd broken his heart by dumping him I thought - hmm, I think we both behaved badly under stress but don't remember it being that clear cut. Now i've some proof. I'll not discuss it with him of course but it is helpful for me. I think the Work lies in straightening out our feelings about ourselves that are exposed by these wonky relationships. It's hard, but worthwhile. (now I have that silly shampoo ad running through my head about being 'worth it'). x

Hi and welcome new people on thread, though sorry you have to be here.

@Ntwa hope you are feeling a bit brighter today?

@52andblue I'm looking forward to the Spring and nicer weather, but not the lifting of social restrictions as it means I could bump into them both out and about. Not something I am in any rush to do!

I was really down yesterday, but feeling a bit stronger today. I have decided in my head that I really need to see him, and clear the air properly or I can't move forward - so I am sort of focusing on that and almost looking forward to doing it - for some strange reason!

@52andblue no, I'm feeling awful. Dreading the times when we can go out and it won't be with him. I already struggle not doing the basics but that thoughts awful. I think once you've told him how you feel you'll move on.. I hope so anyway as I feel worse

@ineedaslap sorry that last post was for you and this one is for you @52andblue I hope the NC continues and what yove found helps you move forward.

@Ntwa with you on the going out for sure.

I think I will feel better, it will be hard as I will be laying my feelings on the line so could end up getting even more rejected. But I hope it makes him think about what he has done, and, ridiculously I have this daft thought in the back of my mind that he might say he wants to be with me . So at least I will have an answer and know.

Hi All

I’m looking for support on staying strong on not contacting my AP. We’ve been very on and off for over two years and I always finish it due to him really doing the bear minimum to keep in contact with me. I do all the chasing and making him feel great and loved and wanted etc. It was supposed to be just fun but I fell for him and got too heavy and pushy.

We’ve been NC (again!) for nearly two weeks. I’d sent him a message saying this wasn’t enough for me and I’ve not heard back from him. I know it’s the right thing to do and if I was to contact him he’d be good (and I’d be so happy) at contacting me for a week or two and then it would be back to normal. I know it really really is the right thing to do is to be NC but today I’m struggling.

I just wonder if it meant anything at all to him? Is he doing the right thing by me and respecting my wishes that he can’t give me what I want or was the whole time just sex for him and he’s getting it elsewhere now?

Hi @Alwaystheotherwoman and welcome to the thread.

My NC is an AP too, like you I fell for mine. Mine said he fell for me too though, he sent me messages about how much I meant to him and so on, I wonder if he meant the words or just said them. Which is something I will be asking him when I get the chance.

We can't contact each other anymore, but I know that if he were to then I would be overjoyed for a while, exactly like you describe.

My advice, fwiw, is to stay strong and not contact. It is hard, I know! but you can do it xx

Thanks for replying @Ineedaslap

I know I should stay NC. When I’m being sensible I know it is but every so often in my weak moments I just want to message him.

He also told me he loved me but I think he just loved the way I made him feel. Today has been the first time in these two weeks that I’ve really wanted to contact him.

It just seems like such a waste of time spent and having no closure is really difficult

Morning all. I have woken and feel dreadful, burst into tears straight away, this is dreadful. I've wasted my whole weekend being upset and can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
I miss everything about him.. I know we all say it but I honestly don't think I'll find anyone like him again.. Maybe I made a massive mistake.. I'm hating this feeling

Sending hugs @Ntwa
I wish I could pop round with coffee and cake (or gin and nibbles) and we could have a good old blether. It doesn't 'fix' it but it helps. xxx