No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

Ah, @Breakingupbadly72 - that sounds like 'hoovering' to me???

Can't remember if it was this thread I posted on, but I'm one month NC! Go me! 🥳

Thank you all. I am up and trying to keep busy. I have a 5-year-old so that’s not difficult!

I just feel on the verge of tears at all times and it’s really affecting other parts of my life. Feel like I’m not giving my daughter my full attention and yesterday I did practically no work. I can’t seem to think about anything else

He has unblocked me now but hasn’t tried to contact me. In a way this is worse because I can see when he’s online and I wonder what he’s doing. This is terrible!

@52andblue, yes, all of these new terms! aka sucked back in!
@CrimsonFlags well done for your 1 month. Is it getting easier for you?
@Ghilliedu I know this feeling, initially it is all consuming. This is where you think of priorities. The verge of tears etc is stress. Step away from the phone and do something else, self care. You might not be ready to block him. There will come a point when you think, enough is enough, I can't do this anymore, at least for now anyway, depending on circumstances

@Breakingupbadly72 I don't know if he is what I really want which is the daft thing. I don't know if I would have left what I have here for him had he asked. But he clearly isn't going to. So I need to stop thinking about him and get stronger before I see him again.

That definitely sounds like hoovering @breakingupbadly72.

@CrimsonFlags excellent! well done. How are you feeling with it all?

@Ghilliedu I have never felt like this before, had tears and so on, this is so out of character for me. Which is why I am struggling with it I think. I am using distraction techniques. Trying to do other things, not think of him, seriously considering seeing a Dr to see if I can get something to get me through the stress.

@52andblue enjoy your Valentines meal! I am having one tomorrow with my DH, don't usually but decided to make an effort. I think I need to.

@Breakingupbadly72 you can set it so you need to approve followers. You can also block.

As I know from when my NC did it with me when he was cheating with previous new interest

@Breakingupbadly72 Yes it is all consuming at the moment. Just took some time to do some painting with my wee one but I was itching to check my phone the whole time. This makes me even more upset as she deserves better from me. I have thought about blocking him so I’m less tempted to check if he’s online but I’m just not there.

@Ineedaslap Talking to your doctor is a good idea. I hope you enjoy your valentines meal. I had bought one for us and I’m going to have it anyway, why not!

'all the new terms' - it took me ages to learn about 'hoovering', lol.
That tells you how long I've been trying to NC for (not a good example!)

ALL we can do is try to be kind to ourselves. Give our kids / jobs / friends as much of ourselves as we have to give. It's hard, right enough.
But, yes, esp tomorrow with fake feeding frenzy of Romance and endless stuff on FB/ Twitter etc we do need to remember we deserve either a relationship that mostly (because none are perfect) makes us feel okay about ourselves or we are better not having one at all whilst we re-set and look for something healthier in time.
Over and out for the moment, will try to pop on tomorrow but back in Mum mode (exH took the kids for a whole 24 hours!!!) so prob brief.

Sending love to all of us xxx

Totally agree, some self care and kindness to ourselves is much needed.

I know I will end up torturing myself looking at his FB profile tomorrow, like picking a scab, just in case they post something, which I expect they will.

Enjoy your weekend @52andblue

Hi all hope we're all OK.
I'm day 37..still feels crap I feel numb.. Aside from the random bday presents and card in the post no nothing (because I didn't respond to the card contents)
Today I went on Netflix (I never watcj tv, it's his account) can see he's watched 2 breakup films.. Hmm
Feel like crying but I can't.. Tomorrow doesnt help!

@Ntwa Day 37 is amazing. You’re doing so well. Stay strong!

I really struggled last night. I actually thought about contacting him so many times. I think mainly because I haven’t told him I’m done with it. He did his usual blocking and silent treatment thing and that’s still where we are.

I’m wondering if I need to have a conversation with him to tell him so that the threat of him crawling back is removed. But then I wonder if I only want to do that so that I can speak to him as I really miss him terribly

Good morning all. @Ghilliedu, I'm sometimes of the opinion if you're not sure what to do, wait for your mind to become clearer and the anxiety to due down. If you are done with him, then yes I think it needs to be made clear. Are you at the stage of telling him? is there a bit of denial?
I feel I was moving on, but the following on Strava from him yesterday has unsettled me. I thought perhaps it was a mistake but later in the day he 'liked' a walk, so clearly not a mistake. Perhaps he us having a wobble, maybe its him saying he is forgiving me. He said he didn't want to hurt me. I am not a child and I do not need pity. In some ways it is comforting to think he is st least thinking about me. Yet, going to the extreme to say never to contact him again then coming back doesn't make sense. I'm not going to contact him. I wonder if he did the strava thing to get me to react and contact him. I'm really not bothered about valentines, been single for years otherwise so doesn't bother me. I know the reality of relationships is different to what is portrayed on social media. I won't be looking at Facebook today.
@Ineedaslap, expect something on Facebook. I sometimes think if you expect the worst case you are at least prepared for it.

@Breakingupbadly72 I think he’s doing it for a reaction from you. Saying never contact me again is easy to do but much harder to stick with so he’s maybe having a moment and this is his way back in?

I’ve typed out the message I want to send him. Very calmly saying that a few days in perhaps we can have a calm talk about a couple of things. He owes me some money so I can’t cut him out until I get that back - it’s not a small amount. In a way that is worse as it means there has to be a certain level of contact which is just going to make it harder for me. I’d like to get that sorted then remove him from all social media so I don’t have to watch him move on.

Meant to say, I’ve typed the message out but saved it until I feel ok to send it. Trying not to be led by emotions!

@Ghilliedu, maybe he is expecting me to follow him back. Oh I don't know. Why not send me a message? he is blocked on WhatsApp but not Facebook or text. In some ways at least he doesn't hate me. It's unsettled me though. I'm not ready to completely block
Will he be able to give the money back in 1 payment? yes I would certainly worry about that, he has that hold over you. You will definitely need to talk to him and make a plan

@ghilliedu thanks. It's a hard one for me as I didn't want to do it, an dhe certainly didn't, although like yiu the silence is there I kmow I could retract and as much as I feel it's not worth fighting over someone whos not putting any effort in I do have quite a bit of his stuff. Too much to post I don't know what to do about that at the moment.

I caved and sent the message. He read it but hasn’t replied. Now I am regretting it because this feels worse. He regularly ignores me and he knows it really gets to me so he’s either doing that or is still in bed - he has some sleep issues so it’s not uncommon.

I’m so annoyed with myself now. I feel like I’ve given away my control. Off to decorate valentines cookies with my dd now so she can give one to her dad. How did I get here?

Morning all.

@Ghilliedu well done on typing and not sending. Wait until your head is clearer to do it, I wish I had before as I do regret sending some of the ones I sent when I was in a temper and had a few drinks. Would not have sent them had I sat on them and waited til the next day. I hope you get the money side sorted out.

@Breakingupbadly72 nothing yet! You are right about the reality of it, if they do post about how in love they are I think I will be rolling my eyes more than anything given what has just happened. They are welcome to each other.

Also, that is odd him liking a walk, and I can see why it is unsettling. It was so much easier in the old days when you simply split up with someone and maybe saw them out and about or not!

I had a bit of a epiphany this morning, was talking to family members in a group chat and I suddenly realised just how lucky I am with my DH and children, family and friends and how much I would have lost had this gone a different way. That said, I still miss him, and daresay will feel wretched when I see him again. But I need to remember the bigger picture.

@Ntwa You are doing amazing. Can you arrange to leave it somewhere central for him to pick it up?

@Ineedaslap Did you see my update - probably as you were typing? I sent it. I regret it so much now as he still hasn’t replied. He hasn’t been online since so I’m thinking he’s sleeping but it still makes me feel horrible and annoyed with myself.

I’m sitting here wondering if he’s moved on already. One of the many issues we had was that he was always chatting to girls. He was active on OD before we got together and kept in touch with so many people he met from there. It always bothered me but he assured me there was nothing to be worried about. I always had that niggle though.

Anyway my dds dad is here to see her so I am going to go for a long shower and have a good cry. Hopefully feel better after that.

@Ghilliedu yes cross posted. Ah, oh well, wait and see what happens then.
Mine would read my rants and then apologise and be good for a bit again. A ridiculous situation that I should have got out of way before we were found out. Life is full of useless regrets they say, and in this case it is very true.

Hope you feel brighter after your shower and cry

I don’t really feel better unfortunately. He was online for a while there and still didnt respond. I feel so rejected that he can’t ever reply to a simple message asking if we can chat about a couple of things. Part of me wants to message him and have a rant but I know I’d end up regretting that even more!

I feel like I’m all me me me just now and I apologize for that. Hopefully once o calm down a bit I can try to be a bit more helpful to others in the same position.

@Ghilliedu you are allowed to be all about you. Understandable really, you need time to adjust and dare I say grieve even.

I was me me a couple of weeks ago too. Not so much now, although it does come over me sometimes in waves again.

Take care of yourself and talk here when you need to.

Good morning all. Hope everyone is ok and surviving and managing to get some self care. I haven't removed him from Strava, can't bring myself to it. He should have just left it. I have recorded a walk this morning but not keen on him 'seeing me' .. lots of thinking out on my walk and I'm actually OK. I feel I'm over the worst. 3 weeks since I've seen him

Morning fellow NC'ers!

I hope we all survived yesterday. HATE Valentine's Day...
Even if you are currently loved up / happily married etc, you'll have friends that aren't so the public OTT of the whole Romance thing is just designed to make at least some of us feel bad. Grrr.
(and I got hoovered Sat eve/ yesterday so am now expecting discard)

Moving on - What do we have to look forward to (that doesn't include HIM)? Spring? kids back to school ? return to work / study /see friends / family? I think that's what I'm going to try to think about.

Good Morning! Over a month into full NC and I still can't help daydreaming about him. It was a toxic situation... the feelings from which, I feel, are being prolonged by lockdown!

If I could just get back on track with everything in my life that's been on hold due to lockdown, I'm certain he would have faded out sooner.

I'm going to set myself some distractions today by listing them on here and then coming back to cross them off. (This has worked well in the past!) In no particular order:

Fold laundry.
Clean kitchen.
Bake banana bread
Watch something new on catch up.
Force myself to take a short walk.
Read a chapter or two of my new book when it arrives later today.
Attempt tidying storage with visible clutter.
Online browsing shopping - a few essential DIY items are needed around the house.
Avoid SM until nightfall.