No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

How is everyone today? day 11 here

@Breakingupbadly72

How is everyone today? day 11 here

Struggling but have no choice but to carry on with NC. I have so many questions, I hope I'll get the answers one day. How are you doing today?

I'm feeling a little better today. It is very hard for it not to become all consuming. I think I have been in denial that it is actually over and keep imagining us getting back together. The reality is, it doesn't work. I know I will not get answers from him, so it is up to me to try to work it out for myself. I haven't blocked him on Facebook yet but I really don't want to see him 'moving on'

I know what you mean about all consuming, I have to make a huge effort to not think about it/him.

You can snooze on Facebook so you have to actively look at the profile, I have done that, as it would look odd if we weren't friends as we work at the same place and would only spark more rumours.

Stay strong and it will get easier, I promise.

@Ineedaslap, oh that's difficult you work together, so it was secret? I will never see mine again. We are not friends on Facebook, he had previously blocked but had unblocked me now. I wasn't sure whether to block back!

Yep, secret. Although a few people knew. Which will make it harder but I knew what I was doing when I got into it, so I don't deserve any sympathy, I know that.

Was it an affair @Ineedaslap.

Yes, on both sides. As I say I know it was wrong, totally. We got caught. So it's had to end, probably for the best really.

He said things that made me thing I meant something, I want to ask him why he said those things, why he did that. I had real feelings for him. Feel totally had now.
But know the majority of people in here would flame me, and I get why. But we can't help who we get feelings for, rightly or wrongly.

@Ineedaslap that's really tough. How is your partner dealing with it? are you going to try to work things out? It must feel messy. It is so hard letting go, worse for you as you work together. I feeling slightly better, the anxiety is dying down, replaced with depression and low self esteem. I spent 8 months of my life with him, never to see him again. His pattern is he moves on quickly. Woman to woman. He will find someone better than me. I never felt good enough.

@Ineedaslap
I agree you can't help who you get feelings for.
If it were a case of choosing, or choosing to just 'turn them off' when it suits, we'd all be in a different place right now.

@Breakingupbadly72
'his pattern is he moves on quickly, woman to woman'
Yes. But that does not mean he will find someone 'better than you' or that you are 'not good enough'.
I have an old friend - my first boyfriend. We now live opp ends of country (I moved away). In '97 we tangled again for about 6m. He then ghosted me and got involved with the girl singer in his band (much younger). Long silence. 3 years ago he contacts me (about a family thing, he knows my family). I was frosty but we chatted occasionally. Dec 2019 he visits to inspect my roof as it needs replacing and I'd rather give him the job as I trust him (as a workman!). He comes onto me. A LOT. Wine was had, we were both single but still a bad idea. But (the morning after when I regretted it hugely I tried to view it as an experiment to see if I had 'got over' Mr Longterm NC man - turns out no, the builder sex was ok but no comparison at ALL in how I felt)
Anyway, he goes back but is due to return to do the work. and , guess what, he ghosts me. Initially I thought C-19 etc, but no, it's a full repeat ghosting... Turns out he's now living with the much younger girl drummer in new new band. You have to laugh! I wish her luck with him. He's not a bad guy - in fact he's quite nice in many ways, but he's utterly shit at commitment (3 marriages, 2 kids by 2 diff women and only 1 was from a marriage etc). So, don't base your value on his inability to maintain a relationship. xxx

ps I went to the Supermarket y'day. Fucking Valentines Meal Deals.
M&S can Fuck Off. There! I've said it. I feel better :)
Sunday is also National Ferris Wheel Day

@52andblue your post made me laugh! yes valentines day can feck off, not interested. You have made me feel better thank you. Woman to woman, he was emotionally unavailable. I felt devalued and not heard. He made me feel stupid. I questioned myself and my worth. He also met with an ex early on in the relationship and cooked for her! I contacted her, yes I know I shouldn't have and she confirmed nothing happened. He went MAD and said to never contact him again and threatened legal action. Wtf! I'm not a criminal. The whole relationship has shaken me. Of course I won't contact him.

@52andblue and @Breakingupbadly72 thanks for being understanding. I did have a wobble last night, but not as big as one as I have had so getting there.

We have been having problems for a while and he sort of knew it had been going on, not that that makes it ok of course. I now need to try and move on from something that has been consuming me for over two years now. What will happen to us? I don't know, hopefully we can move on, we have been together for too long to let this split us up.

@breakingupbadly72 I agree totally with what @52andblue has said re him finding someone better than you, he clearly has a pattern of bad behaviour, YOU will find someone better than him.

As for Valentines day. I've never been a fan, overhyped and overpriced.

@Ineedaslap 2 years is a long time, it will take time to process and get over. How long have you been with current partner?

Thank you! Yes! I will meet someone who sees my worth and doesn't put me down, keep me waiting, is unavailable. I want someone to smile when they see me . Yes he admitted to a reputation. Why treat me like a criminal then unblock me on social media?

[quote Breakingupbadly72]@Ineedaslap 2 years is a long time, it will take time to process and get over. How long have you been with current partner?

Thank you! Yes! I will meet someone who sees my worth and doesn't put me down, keep me waiting, is unavailable. I want someone to smile when they see me . Yes he admitted to a reputation. Why treat me like a criminal then unblock me on social media?[/quote]
25 years. I was the classic not feeling loved, desired, was flattered by the attention I felt I needed/wanted.

Your chap sounds like he's playing with you, like a cat with a mouse. Can you block him now?

I am some sort of Masochist though.
Last night I couldn't settle.
I watched some TV (rare for me).
The film: 'The Dig' (meh)
Then accidentally saw 5min of some creepy thing.
So watched 'First Date Valentine Special' (so not my kind of TV usually
It was quite nice I think? But then stomped off to bed muttering about VDay and had a lousy night's sleep full of angry dreams!

@52andblue why do we do it to ourselves?! Stay away from the Valentines Day things!!

@Ineedaslap
Ha ha, yes, I started to watch and thought: 'really'? to myself but decided I could cope with seeing other folks happy. And I did - it was a really sweet episode with nice people on, esp 2 young guys who were both truamatised but lovely and seemed to have 'found' each other :)

But my subconscious was less evolved about it and clearly fucked off!

'kicked off' (and fucked off')
Feeling unusually sweary today.
I don't swear much.
But Chief NC is super polite Public School type (who never swears, just behaves appallingly and thinks etiquette covers that...) so I think I'm going all teenaged sweary to myself as a reaction. I'll stop now, lol.

@Ineedaslap wow 25 years is a lot to walk away from. I think me and NC both scared of commitment didn't mean to play with it each but it is what happened. I struggled to come to terms with his past and trust him.
I don't feel ready to block him, not sure why. I guess it is the final link and it is early days. I also don't want to see him move on. Even a change is profile picture will signify that. I think at that point I will block. Something came to mind about our trip away last year. He put the photos on public, wonder if that was so his ex could see, probably the same will happen to me now

@Breakingupbadly72 it is yes. I have a lot to lose, I need to give myself a slap and get over this and move forward without the AP. It is hard when you develop feelings but I know it wouldn't last with him.

Oh yeah the profile pics, they can really hurt. No what you mean re blocking, it's so final. I am tempted to defriend and block despite work, but know that people will ask why so have gone with the snooze etc option and being strong and not looking at both their profiles.

I find Friday nights the hardest, not sure why. 3 weeks today since I last saw him now. Sad that the only link we have is neither of us have blocked each other on Facebook. I know time is the healer and it is getting slightly better. Just need to stop thinking about HIM and concentrate on ME. Thinking he is fine, moving on, happier, has support etc

Can I join please?

I’ve been in a relationship for a year with someone who is so emotionally manipulative and gaslighting that I’m ashamed to say it’s been a year of this. Any time we have the slightest disagreement he cuts me off for days, blocks me etc.

So he has done it again - now on day 2 - and I have decided it’s the last time.

BUT it’s so hard. I’m lying in bed crying my eyes out. I miss him, I obviously still love him and I want to speak to him. Even though I know I shouldn’t.

How do I get through these first few days? I am struggling!

@Breakingupbadly72 I too find Friday nights the hardest, I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in a couple of weeks. I don't know what happened but I had a minor wobble.

@Ghilliedu hello and welcome! The first few days are the hardest, but stay strong and don't message him or respond and you will get through this. Talk to us if you feel like messaging him.

Hello @Ghilliedu

Of course you can join - and Welcome! x

I think there is no easy answer for 'how to get through it' unfortunately.
Some people 'keep busy' (hard right now!) some sleep it off if poss, but it really is a case of trying to be kind to yourself on an hourly basis as you get through. Try to notice your feelings - none of them are wrong but try not to dwell on 'shame' too much. Your beginning to see that you deserve more is the thing - Celebrate that if you can. Is there anything nice you can do for yourself / good way to distract yourself?
I think there is really no way of avoiding the feelings eventually, but you have to take them in bite sized chunks imo

It is a hard weekend.
My NC is in hoover mode. He has said 'I love you' twice this week. I have not replied. Today he left a message to say: 'we both have feelings of love and affection, don't we?'.
I am not playing games. I think I need to leave it that way to move on.
(I'm not fooled anyway, if I started to respond he'd just start the devalue and discard cycle so I'm saving us both that dance again!)

I have decided that I will swing by the supermarket and buy a Valentine meal deal and share it with my teenage kids. I love them, (and I'm trying to love me) so that is a good use for 'Valentine's Day'

@Ghilliedu, welcome. It is very hard yes, you are NOT alone, we have been here i had to call my GP as it triggered huge anxiety/depression for me. It has settled down now 3 weeks later.
@Ineedaslap, I hope you are feeling stronger today. Wobbles are normal. Is he really what you want though?

So an update, just happened. He has followed me on Strava again this morning wtaf? I haven't reacted or done anything but how does that equate to someone who says never to contact him again. I don't like that you don't get to approve it. They can just follow you. Obviously I am still struggling and still have feelings. It would be easier if he just bogged off forever