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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

810 replies

52andblue · 30/12/2020 11:56

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

OP posts:
Ntwa · 08/02/2021 21:56

@lockdownandout how many days did you get to?

lockdownandout · 08/02/2021 22:11

Well I got to day 8 before replying (politely but cold initially). But everything kicked off for 4 weeks+
Must try harder this time but I'm not at the blocking stage yet so I know I'm just my own worst enemy

lockdownandout · 08/02/2021 22:19

You would think me having to go to the police last week about his ex harassing me (since October) would be enough to block him as well as her.
Please please please don't be on here.
My god just typing that makes me realise how much I don't need that sort of sh*t in my life Hmm

Strongerthanilook · 08/02/2021 22:50

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Strongerthanilook · 08/02/2021 23:04

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lockdownandout · 08/02/2021 23:28

@Strongerthanilook I have no idea what the 21day thing is but I can't imagine anything making this any easier at the minute

2021Sunshine · 09/02/2021 07:16

Day 7.

Except I saw him last night at supermarket. I’d seen his vehicle so was half expecting it. I was with a friend ( socially distant) and we’d made late decision to go after a walk.

What I didn’t expect was the new girlfriend with him. They were doing a grocery shop. No doubt she paid! I felt nothing but pity. Didn’t speak W as far enough away to get away , I just walked on in and ignored.

Was a mess after mostly cos I’d have liked to have made a comment but no contact is no contact and I’m seeing him for the toxic man he is. What he doesn’t realise is he’s met his match with you and he’s got himself an exactly toxic person. A friend gave me some facts. Makes sense now snd I just thought ahhhhh sleep now. Actually did. That was night before and I see last night as I blessing. First coupled up sighting done. Rest of my life to get on with.

I know he’ll return but when he does that wall will be unbreakable.

Breakingupbadly72 · 09/02/2021 07:55

Please can I join? just out of an 8 month relationship with a selfish, self absorbed man who didn't respect me. It ended badly with him swearing and saying to 'never contact him again and he will only speak through legal means if necessary' wtaf?
I'm so affected by it, I'm now on antidepressants but I'm strong and will get through this. I've lost confidence and Covid and being a single parent I'm feeling isolated. Working from home. Would like to join you for mutual support

Ntwa · 09/02/2021 08:17

@Strongerthanilookif we carried on weekends we'd be that perfect couple.. But I want a relationship.
I'm struggling with the non finishing of us.. I need to send something for closure really or I'll sit wondering forever.
@2021sunshine that's my worst fear, seeing him with someone else.. I hope you're OK x

Original poster
52andblue · 09/02/2021 10:39

Hi, just checking in.
I've failed and put myself right back at the beginning.
I am having a difficult time in other areas of my life and got sucked into some expert hoovering. Gah!!! The last thing He said, yesterday morning was: 'I love you' (very rare for him, like once a year rare...). I rang off (one of my kids had come in, he could hear so won't have considered that I 'cut him off'). Now I have to stay quiet (hard). Gah!!

OP posts:
Original poster
52andblue · 09/02/2021 10:58

(after that 'admission' I now feel I can go back and catch up and welcome / answer people honestly!)

OP posts:
Ineedaslap · 09/02/2021 13:00

Morning all, NC here for two weeks, enforced as we were caught out. I was really upset and angry at first but weirdly I felt relieved last night when I thought about it, it's nice not wondering if he is going to read or answer my messages, I have realised how stressful it was, how it was affecting me.

I'd still like to know why he did this, what he was getting out of it, I hope to be able to ask him one day.

I am not looking forward to seeing him when I have to, and need to decide how I am going to handle it. Do I shout at him, ignore him, or look ridiculously happy and like I don't care. I'll see how I feel at the time.

@52andblue it is so easy to get sucked back in, I know from bitter experience. You can do this!

Although I can now say that I will not be getting sucked back in this time, I very much doubt that he will be trying again after what has happened.

Breakingupbadly72 · 09/02/2021 15:36

I'm not sure we will ever get the answers or closure from them, we will probably come to our own conclusions? how does everyone else deal with the swings in emotions? I also don't want to think of him with anyone else Sad

Ineedaslap · 09/02/2021 17:21

@Breakingupbadly72 You are probably right, I have no doubt when I do ask he will say that he meant it all and he is sorry, this is the second time I have been through this with him and he said that before.

I need to be strong, we all need to be strong.

The emotions are hard to deal with, harder for me as I can't show I am upset at home, so I am drinking wine and binging on Netflix.
Mine is with someone else, I hate her, probably as much as she hates me if not more. I don't like that I feel this way, it's not a side of me I recognise.

Ntwa · 09/02/2021 19:06

Has anyone done this.. I'm 'considering' doing this..
Calling their ex and just amicably saying we're done, neither of us want to do it so there's no bad blood in ways but I feel I need it for closure.. Opinions?!

Breakingupbadly72 · 09/02/2021 19:17

Nowa how long have you been no contact? personally I wouldn't as it opens things up again, need to get through this stage, maybe down the line, if you still care. I think closure comes from within, otherwise go round in circles

Ntwa · 09/02/2021 19:49

@breakingupbadly72..well NC got to day 30, then a present for my birthday arrived from him and a card saying he missed me etc.. I messaged to say thanks and we had a civil message back and forth.. Now nothing.
I'm not expecting change, he is.. I just want to make it clear there's no bad blood as I prefer to just leave things amicable.

Breakingupbadly72 · 09/02/2021 19:55

@Ntwa did you initiate the breakup ?

Breakingupbadly72 · 10/02/2021 08:23

Good morning all. 10 days no contact here, wake up with that awful feeling! Wish I could fast forward 6 months

Ntwa · 10/02/2021 09:33

@breakingupbadly72 yes I did. I'd done it before but gone back as I wanted him more than losing him. That's still the case but we can't after on how to sort a future and this lack of communication tells me it's probably for the best. But I feel like it's the oddest ending.. We haven't fallen out.. He's sad I've made the cut, I'm sad I feel I've no choice..its hard.
I'm sorry you're feeling down, it's a horrible thing to go through. I'm trying to just keep busy, keep going

Breakingupbadly72 · 10/02/2021 09:39

@Ntwa I still want mine too but it doesn't work Sad we have a detrimental effect on each other. I wonder how he is and if he is thinking of me at all. Makes me really sad. Yes, feeling down, it is like a grieving process and I'm sure I'm a little in denial that it is actually over but I can't contact him from what he said to me. Makes me sad it came to that

Ntwa · 10/02/2021 10:42

@breakingupbadly72 yes I understand that. You kind of know when times come to give it up, doesn't make it any easier.
Mine would sort in a heartbeat I think but the end result doesn't change.. V sad.

Breakingupbadly72 · 10/02/2021 11:00

I'm wondering if now is the time to block on Facebook? he unblocked me but told me never to contact him again. I still have his number but I have deleted it from my phone. I don't wish to see him moving on, any updates on Facebook, profile pictures etc

EnReconnaissance · 10/02/2021 11:23

[quote Ineedaslap]@Breakingupbadly72 You are probably right, I have no doubt when I do ask he will say that he meant it all and he is sorry, this is the second time I have been through this with him and he said that before.

I need to be strong, we all need to be strong.

The emotions are hard to deal with, harder for me as I can't show I am upset at home, so I am drinking wine and binging on Netflix.
Mine is with someone else, I hate her, probably as much as she hates me if not more. I don't like that I feel this way, it's not a side of me I recognise.[/quote]
I am assuming you feel hatred towards this woman because she has something you want to have, rather than hating her because she has done something to you? This is jealousy you're experiencing. If you don't want to continue to feel that way, why not focus on all the things you do have?

Ineedaslap · 10/02/2021 16:06

@EnReconnaissance I think it is/was hatred because she had what I thought I wanted. But when I think about it more I realise that I wouldn't actually want to be with him, knowing what he is like, ironic I know!

I should probably actually pity her as she will always be wondering if he's up to no good, he has a lot of previous.

You are right, I shall focus on all the good things I do have in my life.

Thanks for your reply Smile