No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

@52andblue sounds mad, thank god we don't stay with them, imagine. The poor wife and partner, least you're rid I know deep down I don't, it just hurts so much the way they make us feel like we're the ones on the wrong. That should make me angry but I can't get past the good bits still. I went shopping tonight for the first time in weeks, was OK till about half way round and almost completely broke down.. Took my all to just go and pay. Simple things isn't it, like realising i won't be seeing him this weekend for dinner etc.. But yes we have to woke through it to hopefully allow a nicer person in.. Unfortunately I feel like I haven't done well so far so haven't much faith...how do you get past that?!

@ineedaslap it's hard, you'll have good and bad days, I've been ok for the last couple, bits going on.. Then I break. Tomorrow's a new day hey x

@BoredOfItAll I will read up on that yes, thanks, will also keep on posting on here, as the support is invaluable, thanks.

@Ntwa I am finding it harder as we are stuck at home so time to think, nothing to detract from it all.

But we are strong women and we can do this!

I literally just take it one day at a time.
I 'met' a really nice woman on a similar thread about 2 years ago.
She has 'broken free' now but she had to work on it really hard.
I am still breaking free (but as I say I met him as a vulnerable teenager and part of me was still 'there' when he called again 4 years ago) so it's taking the time it needs I guess. But I AM getting there. We WILL get there. It hurts but that's the pain coming out I think? I don't cry now. But I do often dream about him (then wake up really pissed off!) but I guess it's my subconscious doing what it needs to do.
I have faith in the process (not me yet but I'll fake it till I make it) x

@52andblue it's breaking free that I am going to find hard I think, I still want him, I think I always will sadly. Still want to believe he meant the things he said. But I need to remind myself how he has treated me.

I didn't cry last night, but I did wake up in the middle of the night feeling very very angry, which is preferable I think?
Like the idea of faking it til I make it, I had thought I would tell him what I thought when I see him, but maybe I should be all smiles and happy in front of him like I don't care? although I so want to pull him up on his behaviour too!
I have never ever felt like this in my life, I have always been the one to initiate the break ups, never cried over a man before. I don't like feeling like this, I'm too old for these feelings!!

@Ineedaslap
'I'm too old for these feelings...'
Look at my username...

[quote 52andblue]@Ineedaslap
'I'm too old for these feelings...'
Look at my username...[/quote]
I'm a similar age to you.

So dilemma time.
I felt the last couple of days that he wasn't going to contact me. Its been a month since I last heard from him after I told him we just couldnt move forward (my decison, not one I wanted to make)
So yesterday a parcel arrives and its birthday gifts and a card.
I don't know what to do.. As usual I feel its open ended for me to have to reply. Its nice but?!
So I don't know how to reply..
Just for context I still love him and was heartbroken having to make the decison.. Yet I know it won't change..
Just a polite 'thanks for the gifts'!?
Help

Oh @Ntwa what a dilemma for you!

I would go with a simple thanks for the presents and not get drawn into a conversation, hard as that will be.

You've come so far, don't let this set you back.

Oh and Happy Birthday for whenever it is!

@Ntwa tough one. Heart and head are shouting different things at you I’m sure. Sensible thing to do would be what ineedaslap says and keep going with your resolve. It’s not easy because of the way you feel and it’s your birthday. Try to keep in mind that he won’t change and any more contact will set you back. Don’t beat yourself up though if you do, you’re having a rough time x

@ineedaslap @boredofitall thanks I think a simple 'thanks for the presents and.. I want to add I miss him too.. He should know this.. It won't change anything.. Its so so hard

[quote Ntwa]**@ineedaslap* @boredofitall* thanks I think a simple 'thanks for the presents and.. I want to add I miss him too.. He should know this.. It won't change anything.. Its so so hard[/quote]
Well it's up to you if you add the you miss him bit, personally I wouldn't. But totally understand why you'd want to.

I'm holding back the tears here, just seen mine. I want to cry, bawl my eyes out but I can't. I was doing really well until then. Starting to feel positive. Yet its hit me like a punch in the tummy.

Stay strong @ntwa xx

Morning everyone. After posting a few weeks ago I didn't go NC. Of course I didn't. Did anyone manage first time of trying? Or second?
My problem is I don't want to. I still have my head in the clouds despite everything he's said and done, and continues to do.
But. Slowly I'm realising he's not for me. There's something there, I'm addicted to him, obsessed, infatuated etc But he no longer makes me feel special or particularly happy. I've also realised, much to my horror, that part of this is me not wanting anyone else to have him. I don't like myself at all for feeling that but it's a sudden realisation recently. And it's a ridiculous thing because really I should be thinking they would be welcome to him because it's amazing at first but then it must get boring for them once they've got you - there is no challenge - and there is very little effort in anyway.
He's given me some very sentimental gifts for my birthday and Christmas over the last few months and I do think he means the sentiment behind them he just doesn't know how to follow it through. He had a car crash of a childhood and he is a textbook case. He's having some therapy but it's going to take a long long time to unpick him and the minute he has a break in therapy for whatever reason, it's very apparent in his behaviour and his ways that he needs another session.
I'll stop now. But reading the messages on this thread have been really useful because I feel exactly the same and it's such a comfort to know that I'm not the only person out there that's fallen for somebody like this and is finding it is so so difficult to move away and on.

@FreeAt50 "My problem is I don't want to. I still have my head in the clouds despite everything he's said and done, and continues to do.
But. Slowly I'm realising he's not for me. There's something there, I'm addicted to him, obsessed, infatuated etc But he no longer makes me feel special or particularly happy. I've also realised, much to my horror, that part of this is me not wanting anyone else to have him." - I could have written those exact words.

I am aware he is not for me, I could not be in a proper long term relationship with him, but I still want him so so much, how do you get rid of those feelings?

I have found this thread to be extremely helpful, keep reading and posting on here, we will all get through this together.

@Strongerthanilook Yes I am thanks, I didn't cry, proud of myself for that! It was an unexpected sighting, just a glance, the feelings I got were so intense they took me by surprise.

Ironically I was in a better place yesterday and had been feeling quite positive til then. I just have to hope that I am in a better place when I see him or have to interact with him at work.

Try not to be anxious about the email, if you think he is playing you saying that then try to ignore - easier said than done I know!

I'll join. I went NC this week with my sister. I think she's a narc and maybe bi-polar. It's a long thread, filled with examples of her atrocious behaviour, that quite frankly, I just can't cope with any more!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4154222-To-go-NC-with-this-person

Hi @SummerBlondey I've had a quick look at your thread, your sister sounds like my sister in law, who I have incidentally been NC with for many many years.

Welcome to the thread and I hope it helps!

Thanks Ineedaslap

@Ineedaslap thank you. So much of this thread is relatable and if we knew how to stop those feelings we would be millionaires. My best friend is a psychotherapist and NLP practitioner. She's lived with two narc men in her life and is great at helping. But I listen then avoid her cos I haven't done what she's asked and I still can't stop seeing him etc

I drive myself mad!!!

@Strongerthanilook

Hoping this thread will provide me with much needed strength. Ex has called panicking saying that his deranged ex has been in touch. She’s a big part of why we didn’t work. This just makes me anxious and I think I’d rather not know.

He’s just told me to delete signal app and telegram as she’s watching me on there. I’m freaking out. Just went to send him a telegram and he’s disappeared and is insisting on encrypted emails. He said her son can hack my phone. Can he? Anyone know what apps I can use to stop anyone viewing messages?

I need to go NC, for my own sanity. Wondering if he’s triangulating me again.

@Strongerthanilook welcome!

That sounds horrendous. I'm not aware of any way someone can hack a phone, but I'm not a techy person, I'll ask my son later when he emerges from his cave!

It does sound like it would be best for you to go NC .

@strongerthanilook thanks. Birthday was better than expected tbh.
I decided at 8 to say a polite thanks..
I happened to look around 9iah and he was online, my message unread.. Again online at 1030.. Still unread. Went to bed just after midnight.. Still unread. woke this morning and it had been read and replied to at 1228..he said 'I'm OK I guess' and hoped I'd had a lovely day.
Am I wrong in feeling peed off that he purposefully ignored my messages on my birthday after HE sent gifts saying he missed me??
So I sent a sarcy 'yes lovely thanks under the circumstances' to make him think wether it was this crappy situation or lockdown..and guess what unread for hrs.. Then read and nothing?

Struggled this eve. Part of me wants to tell him how upset and dissapointed I am. Part of me wants to get angry and tell him what a time waster he's been.. The other bit says to just not say anything.
Is this common 4yrs down the line, 2 people wanting the same thing yet he sulks because I've called time.. I feel like I'm back at primary school

I'm back ladies.
Day zero … again