No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

@smugsparkle yes it's easier if you keep going I'm sure, it's just so hard some days. I know he's upset but the fact I always did the running and hav enow stopped has made we wonder if we'd have been together as long as we were. Like you pretty sure he won't message now which is very odd after such a long time together, a fab Xmas and now??!..
@strongerthanilook I would say definately longer.. All joking aside I honestly am thinking with me it's going to to take months.. Keep going

How's everyone doing today?
I'm struggling, have cried a lot today. Feeling like I've wasted a good 4 yrs in ways and I should be cross but I'm just sad. I feel I've aged with stress and thats knocked my confidence. It's also my birthday v soon and he was who I'd hoped to be spending it with.

@Ntwa sorry that you’re struggling.
It’s early days and don’t forget you unconditionally invested all that time in someone who wasn’t really who he said he was. Its not your fault. The hardest part I think is accepting that and letting go of that. I am feeling better every day, although I am still having setbacks it’s much less. Its nowhere near as overwhelming as it was at the end of last year. It is better to be out of it than in, I promise. Have you had a look online for some resources for self care after a break up like this? I’d be happy to send you some links if it’s of any use x

Ah! @Ntwa birthdays are hard, aren't they? esp right now.
Yes, maybe if you'd known 4 years ago... but you didn't.
You haven't wasted that time, you have learned (a very painful lesson).
I have a lot of sympathy - I was just out of a 20 year abusive marriage when I re-encountered my NC. I didn't have much confidence but what I'd started to gain has been shot to pieces. But it is ONLY his opinion of me, I don't have to accept it (I keep telling myself). Sending love xx

@boredofitall @52andblue
Thanks both. I think it's harder as I still love him and the majority of our relationship was very good.. Just no future and a permenant 2 day a week relationship (which I know some would love!)
It's also the thought of meeting someone else.. I've always just wanted to settle down and I feel it will never happen

I still have feelings of love my NC too.
He was the reason I 'settled down' with my exH (very different)
That didn't work out. It rarely happens they way we want I think?
Some people have charmed lives (or seem to) but I think its very rare.
And certainly SM isn't a good reflection of RL (though hopefully it can offer helpful support, or support at least).
I hope today goes as well as it can for you (and all of us)
It's such a tough month, after such a tough year.
{grits teeth so as not to text him, remembering its all a mirage}

Day 28, I'm getting used to not messaging him or being in touch, and I'm no longer expecting him to message me, but I do still miss him and think about him a lot, but it is getting better the longer it goes on.

@52andblue
@smugsparkle

It is hard and time is a healer.. Although my ex 5 yrs down the line still tries and says he's never got over me.. I sadly feel ill be like this over this guy. Its got to be one of the most painful things hasn't it?
Sparkle I'm 25 days and it's my birthday soon.. I feel I'd do far better carrying on so blocked him on WA, he could text, but let's be honest he won't.. Onward and upwards.. While crying a lot.

@Ntwa yes I blocked on everything from day one but there is still emails in work, but neither of us have contacted each other.

do you think he'll contact you on your birthday?

@52andblue

I still have feelings of love my NC too.
He was the reason I 'settled down' with my exH (very different)

Yes ^^^ very much what happened to me. Yet still I let him return for years.

Nearly a week on from confronting him he’s all but moved in with the new interest. Quite hurtful but nowhere near as devasting as it’ll be for her in the long run. People don’t change. She doesn’t know the full truth and I won’t be destroying myself further to tell her. I’ve lost respect for her too. She was a friend of mine, she knew I was close to him, she didn’t check- even when our mutual friend made things clearer she carried on. She’s actually like a teen and I’m embarrassed for her.

Meanwhile I’m on day two again after using my last avenue to contact him. Seeng the patterns of abuse. Really need to get support from GP but can’t cos that’s where she works.

What’s superhooving?

I managed 10 weeks last time before he contacted me again. I always need to remember the years I stayed away whilst he tried to make it work with in a relationship. Unknown to me he was having an affair for five years with latest interests best friend. We had some contact doing that time and he pushed boundaries.

@2021sunshine hoovering is a narcissistic manipulation tactic to reel you back in. You probably know that already but I called it superhoovering because he’s really stepped it up lately. Because I’m holding the line.
I was discarded for someone else but I saw it coming this time and prepared myself for this to be a good time to put a stop to it all. My NC clearly doesn’t like the fact that I’ve turned my back on him as now he gets around my blocks by turning up/bumping into me/phoning from another number to tell me how much he still loves me and that we have a future (not just yet though...because he’s not discarded the new one yet).
It’s a joke. It means I can’t move on properly. I’m going to have to do something about it but it will only make him increase his efforts or turn nasty.
He sounds very similar to your NC. They can’t be with just one person. Constant game playing.

@smugsparkle no I don't, tbh I've made a decison and I don't care wether he does or doesn't. Does anyone think 30 days not hearing from him is me being unreasonable?!
@boredofitall I agree it's hard to move on and switch off if you get constant grief. Mine will be moping around as much as I am so no narc behaviour really but still won't pull his finger out and grow up..

@ntwa I think it’s about accepting that whatever we feel about the NC, we deserve better. Personally I’m feeling trapped because of lockdown and wish I could start going out with my friends again, that would help.
Do you work with him/see him at work? Is he just being stubborn?

Narcs hoover & discard (with multiple people) for life given a chance.
My NC is considerably older than me: I met him when I was a teenager (in addition to age there were big gaps in our status / education etc). I

I won't post the details as it is potentially outing (not that either of us are very interesting) but after me, he was 'committed to' a wife and long term mistress both for over 25 years. During that time he also ran off to Thailand to meet a girl half his age who was 'the love of his life'. He is still enmeshed with all of them, two of them daily. Incredible.
Needless to say he didn't reveal this when he called me 4 yrs ago.
That came out slowly. And I only have his word on the timelines/facts

He called this morning. I didn't answer.
I just got an email: 'remember to chase me in the morning'.
I'm tempted to reply: 'meant for me'? But, really, why bother?
He probably doesn't even know himself by this point!

@boredofitall no I don't luckily see him and won't bump into him, that makes it worse in ways, my life of 4 yrs has just ended and I feel like I mean nothing

@52andblue that's tough and frustrating, see its funny isn't it, I read that an am annoyed for you.. Yet we all suffer still

@52andblue it’s like a life’s work. How can all of that not do his head in?? Staggering

@BoredOfItAll
It HAS been his life's work - running away from himself via all this.
He said: 'I can't leave them - they rely on me'. It's the other way round!
He will never see it now, he's far too old. But you could make a film.

@Ntwa 3 years ago (before I knew all this) I visited him in hospital.
I bumped into his wife (she didn't know me) and saw his 'partner' leave too. The first looked bored, the second looked exhausted / sad.
That would have been my life if I'd stayed with him.
Now my marriage didn't work out and I have two demanding kids but I can still have a better future. We ALL can. I don't believe you 'meant nothing' at all. But he can't offer you what you need or you'd not be here. Please believe you deserve more than this.xx

I know we are all hurting but these guys can't offer us anything real.
It seemed real but it really wasn't. NC is the only way, longer term.
If you don't make the space, you can't find anyone better (initially that needs to be yourself, then, hopefully, someone nicer than NC by far!)

Well I am completely NC now, have been for a week, I won't go into why on here I can't, potentially outing.

It is going to be a nightmare when we are all back to work off furlough and I see him, but hopefully by then I will be over him or at least able to deal with it. Right now I am very very angry, and need to stay like that. I have zero intention of contacting him now, I am done. Finally. He made me feel that I meant something to him, it is now very clear that I did not/do not. I feel so foolish, taken in by him. Embarrassed even!

I will continue with this thread as it is so helpful if that is ok.

@52andblue that is unreal!

Look after yourselves, and keep talking.

@Ineedaslap

I hope you are OKAY??

[quote 52andblue]@Ineedaslap

I hope you are OKAY??[/quote]
Not really no. I cried myself to sleep last night. Teetering between anger and sadness/frustration at my own stupidness.

I will be ok though, I'll have to be. Thanks so much for asking.

@Ineedaslap yes i feel the same, so angry with myself that i allowed it to go on after i realised he wasnt going to commit to me or anyone else for that matter, he made me feel not good enough for him. im so annoyed with myself, but still get so upset when i think about it.

You are NOT 'stupid'. Or, if you are, we ALL are?
If these men were not very convincing, they'd not fool so many intelligent women so many times (my NC's wife and 'partner' are a senior civil servant and a Doctor, both in their late 30s when they met him, so by no means silly / stupid young girls - tho I perhaps was).

I think that a woman who hasn't met a Narc is lucky tbh. Of those who do, unless you have a very strong early years foundation, you are immediately in trouble. It takes strength and character to see it for what it is - it is a grieving process - it is not linear.
You WILL come through this. Sending you love and good wishes. xx
Save your anger for him / his lies / misrepresentations. That's where it belongs. Be kind to yourself - you were a trusting person who believed him, not stupid. x

@smugsparkle so frustrating isn't it? I was even telling myself whilst it was going on that it was pointless but I kept getting sucked back in.

@52andblue You are right, it's not stupidity, I was very naïve. I haven't come across anyone like him before, I believed it all. Totally. Really thought he would come through but have realised now that he had no intention of doing so. I would like to know what made him do this, why he treated me like this, it makes me really sad. I hope to be able to ask him one day, and I will be doing so.

You are right I will come through this, thanks for your support! xx

@52andblue is totally right.

I recommend reading up on narcissism as much as possible. Really helps to understand that it’s not our fault, which is a big step to feeling better. Don’t take the blame as well as having to deal with a break up. Having to do that while the cold hearted bastard walks away is hard enough.

And stay posting on here for support 💙