My boyfriend hit me

[Sadmom1013]

My boyfriend hit me
,I gave birth to our little boy 6 weeks ago
About two weeks ago we had a bad argument he he grab my cheeks so hard and chocked me we apologised to each other as some hurtful things were said and he felt bad for putting hands on me .
Early Monday morning we had an argument he was clearly drunk he ended up punching me giving me a black eye,strangled me and jammed me in between the back of our sofa and bed .
While he was strangling me I bit his hand and scratched him to get off me and I was kicking my legs about he’s got a black eye but not as bad as mine.

Straight after this he started crying saying what are we doing .
He’s apologised to me and recognises he’s made a mistake and he’s a different person when he’s drunk and he’ll change for the better and won’t ever drink again.
He begged me not to leave and he’ll change for the sake of our family

I’m only 22 I don’t know what to do I’m just seeking advice from a really dark place please don’t judge me

He won't change. They never do because it's just them. He even added you into the blame by saying what are we doing yet you were just using self defence.

Also you won't lose your baby but you could if he goes into a rage again and potentially seriously harms you or the baby.

Also drink doesn't change someone. You don't go into a rage if drunk, alcohol brings out the true person behind the mask. That's the whole point of alcohol.

@Sadmom1013

It’s the fact he got marks from me struggling he can use that against and i have my baby taken away .I would never put hands on anyone unless it’s to completely and only defend myself

All the more reason to report it. If he gets wind of the fact that you’re wobbling he may well report you first. These monsters will say and do anything to paint themselves in a better light.

I know it’s hard to hear everyone saying the same thing, but that’s because many of us have been there. The rest of us have seen it played out time and time again for those we love and care about, for posters on here, for the “invisible women” murdered every week by violent partners.

We’re not just saying it as a knee-jerk reaction, we’re saying it because it’s a fact that a man who puts his hands on your neck is much more likely to murder you in future than one who doesn’t. Any violence (EXCEPT SELF-DEFENCE!!) is unacceptable in a loving relationship. Strangulation is a huge escalation. I was strangled by a previous BF over 20 years ago. It still haunts me to this day. There’s no way I could have had a happy life if I’d stayed with him.

Please listen to the wise women here today holding your hand and pointing you to resources to help you escape this abusive arsehole. He won’t get any better, he’ll just learn to hide it. He’ll make sure to hit you where it won’t show to others. You’ll never be able to leave him with your baby in case he hurts him too, so he’s no help to you. It seems impossible now, but there is financial and other support available to you, you won’t be homeless or penniless, you’ll be entitled to benefits to support you, help with housing costs, child benefit, and once your baby is a little older, free and subsided childcare to enable you to earn a living. Plenty of us manage on our own, for many different reasons. No woman deserves to live in fear of violence from the person who should he making her feel safe. That goes double for children, as they can’t make the choice to leave.

OP I imagine this is all very overwhelming at the moment. If you feel you can’t cope with doing anything right this minute, please stay & keep posting for support xx

@Seraphinesupport

Also don't pretend your staying for your child as staying will do more harm than good. Your teaching your baby grow up to be an abusive asshole or to be abused

As harsh as this is - it’s true. If you have daughters they will be more likely to pick abusive partners if they’ve grown up around abuse. If you have boys they’re more likely to end up being abusive - after all, that’s what they’ve seen modelled as a relationship and who wouldn’t want to be on the side of the stronger ‘winning team”?! Is that the future you want for your son?

Please,Please,Please contact Womens aid as soon as you can!

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CjwKCAiA57D_BRAZEiwAZcfCxZnEfR6meU1l-8tQ_wCrZbAxfzejl439GVyCMdj2qQ_FPQHWxn_rHBoCfYQQAvD_BwE

You don't need any money at all to get help from them and they will help.

As soon as you go onto they're website they also show you how to keep yourself online so you can make sure anything you've looked at no one else will be able to look at.

I've helped 2 women in the past with the aid of womens aid to get away from they're abusive husbands and if they hadn't left 1 of them at the very least would not still be here and neither would her 2 sweet DS's and that's a fact.

You kicking out was you defending yourself and if you hadn't just think you may not be in the position to be reaching out for support now!

Him strangling you is the most dangerous thing he could ever do to you,do not let this man take your life and be left in charge of your vunerable baby,please get help and get out now before it's to late.

“Sadmom- the police are very good at telling the difference between offensive caused by the attacker and defensive bruising caused by the person attacked attempting to protect themselves. Not reporting this serious assualt is the very worst thing you can do for your tiny defenceless baby.

Your baby is at real risk of serious harm if you do not call the police and report this and ask for their urgent help.

You are at real risk of being murdered by a man who is already using chokeholds and has tried to strangle you.”

This.

As a PP has suggested, pack up a small bag for your baby the way you would if you were going for a walk. Tell your BF you’re going to buy a few supplies or something similar. Lie to him. You cannot risk him finding out your plans. Put a few little bits in the bag for yourself also. Go to the police station. Tell the police what you have told us. You are allowed to protect yourself when attacked so don’t worry about that. Tell them you are fleeing domestic violence and need to go to a refuge as you have nowhere else to go. You will be a priority. Hands round throat is regarded as a particularly strong indicator of future serious violence and even murder. The fact that he’s sorry means nothing. Othello was sorry after he killed Desdemona. You cannot trust this man with yourself. You cannot trust this man with your baby. You need to get away. You can claim benefits. You don’t need money from your BF.

Police OP the alternatives are he escalates into hurting (potentially seriously) you and your baby.

You want to stop your baby being hurt or separated from you - police is the only way.

His injuries will show self defence

@Sadmom1013

I’m scared to go the police I don’t want to lose my child or put him in a difficult situation

So you would prefer your child to lose both parents instead? Strangulation could easily kill you. He'd go to prison and you would be dead.

Go to the police, speak to someone IRL and get him lifted.

And like 2BDIs mine started with pinching and pushing. I’m pretty sure you’ve put up with some quite disrespectful behaviour to lead to this point if you look back. It’s rare that an otherwise kind and gentle man would jump straight to this. So you know about escalation already. I bet he calls you names, slams around breaking stuff (only your stuff of course, not his own! He’s not that out of control) , punches walls, kicks things etc.

Next thing will be he’ll threaten suicide or to go for full custody of your baby. Please ignore these threats - it’s all part of the abusers script.

@Sadmom1013

It’s the fact he got marks from me struggling he can use that against and i have my baby taken away .I would never put hands on anyone unless it’s to completely and only defend myself

Is what he's told you? It's not true. It's self defence. Please, please get away as soon as you can. Go to the police- they can signpost you to a safe place to live for now. You CAN do it alone. They won't take your baby away for defending yourself. They might, if you stay with this man though. (I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's true)

you are allowed to use self defense.

Please dont make excuses. It is not easy to do, but you need to

When my neighbour moved in a few years ago she had two small children and an arsehole boyfriend. She was a victim of DV and so scared to leave in the end her children where removed.... she then started drinking to cope with not having her kids and is now a absolute alcoholic shell of the bright girl who moved in. She's just home after a stint in prison.

Don't be this girl....

(Neighbours try to support and we often give her food, let her use our phones, put electric on etc and often phone the police too as she is still fighting with this abuser, her life has been ruined)

for the love of god... listen to these experienced posters OP... and leave.. there is help.... a lot of help..

Leave him. Do it now.

He needs to sort himself out. Get therapy.

But until he does you can't stay with him. Leave him.

And I am a stay and make things work person unless there is abuse. He is abusive. Leave him.

My children was at school with a boy who was very severely damaged. He was unable to learn anything, unable to sit still, had to be guarded by a special assistant at all times to keep him from running away and keep the other children safe. Foster placements had broken down, very difficult to see what future he had.

That little boy had watched his dad kill his mum. It had done irreparable damage to him

No doubt another case of a father who didn't "mean" to kill, who had promised he'd never be violent again.

This could easily have been you when his hands went round your throat. It could easily be you at another time. Would you want that to be your little boy?

Mums in your situation often imagine they can protect their child, that it doesn't matter so much if they get hurt because the child will be safe. It's an illusion. That little boy was never safe. The father didn't need to put his hands round his neck to destroy his life.

Be brave, protect yourself and you baby by calling the police.
Financially you will survive, benefits are there really help. If this continues you will not survive, he could kill you.

@Sadmom1013

It’s the fact he got marks from me struggling he can use that against and i have my baby taken away .I would never put hands on anyone unless it’s to completely and only defend myself

Social worker here If you report him to the police and give a full account of what happened then the marks on him are extremely unlikely to be viewed as you assaulting him. Social services won't remove your baby BUT if you don't report this and get away from him they WILL get involved at some point. Your history of being in care will be considered a risk factor in your parenting and if he assaults you again (which he will) and you don't take action to get your baby away that will also be considered a risk factor. You need to protect yourself and your baby. You can flee to a refuge and they will help to rehouse you. Or you can apply to your local housing department for emergency housing on the basis of fleeing DV. What you must not do is ignore this and hope it will go away. It won't.

@Sadmom1013

I’m scared to go the police I don’t want to lose my child or put him in a difficult situation

I’m going to be really blunt here. If you don’t leave this man then there is a good chance your baby may grow up without you because either because he has been removed from SS because you have failed to protect him from abuse by bringing him up in a home with domestic violence or you will be dead - choking is the biggest sign that your partner will go on to kill you.

I should have said I didn't just witness this from the outside I was abused in the worst way possible by my ex husband and the best thing I did for my 2DS's and myself was to leave!

Life moves on,I've remarried and I've been with my now lovely DH for nearly 15 years and he is Dad to all of our lovely DC,he is Dad to our oldest DS's they have nothing to do with they're Father my ex husband,even though they were only 2 and 4 when I got us away from him they knew, children even tiny children take in far more than we ever realise.

@Sadmom1013

I’m scared to go the police I don’t want to lose my child or put him in a difficult situation

As PP have said you're more at risk of loosing him if you stay in a dangerous situation. Saddly this won't stop and will probably only get worse. Do you have any friends you can stay with? Xx

NOBODY will judge you for being the victim of domestic abuse. NOBODY will judge you for leaving an abusive partner.

My love you deserve so much more than this. None of it is your fault. Please get out with your baby.

Leave. Now. He will not change no matter how hard you try. Put your child first. This is not love in any way. No one will judge you. Please leave.He WILL do it again.