My boyfriend hit me

[Sadmom1013]

My boyfriend hit me
,I gave birth to our little boy 6 weeks ago
About two weeks ago we had a bad argument he he grab my cheeks so hard and chocked me we apologised to each other as some hurtful things were said and he felt bad for putting hands on me .
Early Monday morning we had an argument he was clearly drunk he ended up punching me giving me a black eye,strangled me and jammed me in between the back of our sofa and bed .
While he was strangling me I bit his hand and scratched him to get off me and I was kicking my legs about he’s got a black eye but not as bad as mine.

Straight after this he started crying saying what are we doing .
He’s apologised to me and recognises he’s made a mistake and he’s a different person when he’s drunk and he’ll change for the better and won’t ever drink again.
He begged me not to leave and he’ll change for the sake of our family

I’m only 22 I don’t know what to do I’m just seeking advice from a really dark place please don’t judge me

You won’t lose your child, please trust the Police and children’s social care. You will be appreciated for putting your baby’s safety first.

He could have killed you by strangling you. Please take yourself to the Police station. They will sort a refuge place for you. He will not change. Pregnancy and childbirth is a known trigger for domestic violence.

Nothing that you could have said would justify what he did. Don’t worry about giving him a black eye.

Also get your injuries photographed even if it’s just by a friend. It’s good evidence for you to have.

Big hugs, you can do this 💐

I’m scared to go the police I don’t want to lose my child or put him in a difficult situation

Your baby already IS in a difficult situation.

Can you call Woman's Aid or the police? If you call the police they'll be able to help find you emergency accommodation. You're not safe where you are.
If you're showing yourself to be proactive and put your baby's safety first and get help there's no way you'll have your baby taken off you. You're far more likely to lose him if you keep him in an abusive environment.

I'm so sorry to read this, OP. You are in a dreadful position, NONE of it your fault and are in a very vulnerable position at the moment so I really hope you do listen to all of the advice here because it sounds like you don't have a lot of people to fall back on for immediate help right now.

PLEASE take some time out from him NOW. He needs to know that you recognise his pattern of behaviour as abusive and won't tolerate it. Is there anyone you can go and stay with for a few days? Or someone who could come and stay with you?

You absolutely 100% need to report this to the police. I know it's after the fact but you need to be in protection mode now for both you and your baby. If the incidents aren't recorded then you will have little to back up your side of any custody disputes moving forward.

Don't worry about him having marks on him, they are not from fighting, they are from you defending yourself. This also needs to be made clear to the Police.

Social Services will NOT be looking to remove your child from your care because you have suffered abuse BUT they will take it very, very seriously if you continue to live with this man, AND RIGHTLY SO! He is clearly not in control of himself when angry, he will 100% do it again and SS's position will be the protection of the child. The bottom line is, if he can put his hands on you in a temper, he can put his hands on your baby in a temper!! His apologies after the fact are worth nothing. He cannot change or make it up to you. It's been twice now, he was sober the first time and if you stay with him you are giving him the clear message that you WILL put up with his abuse and you WILL allow it to happen around your child.

NOTHING you SAY makes him putting his hands on you acceptable!! PLEASE take some time to accept that and get some help!

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. This type of man prey on women who are isolated and damaged. Women who have been in care are more likely to suffer domestic abuse. You need to make a break for yourself. You deserve so much better.x.

What you need to do is take your baby, go somewhere safe away from him and never see your BF again. Contact Womens Aid or Shelter. Report him to the police for assault. Use your phone to take pictures of your bruises and injuries.

He's not going to stop attacking you and sooner or later he'll do it to your child.

@Sadmom1013

It’s the fact he got marks from me struggling he can use that against and i have my baby taken away .I would never put hands on anyone unless it’s to completely and only defend myself

No, it won't count against you. Women are allowed to defend themselves physically from drunks , male bullies, and crazed morons like your BF.

Op, I have been on the ward with a baby admitted with two black eyes where the dad went to hit mum with baby in arms and missed and hit baby, even with that the mum was reluctant to leave and press charges, the fear and psychological abuse that happens along the physical abuse is just as, if not more damaging than the physical can be. Baby was very lucky not to have been even more seriously hurt and if mum had said she was going back to dad, baby would be going to care. Babies take in the tension and atmosphere of their surroundings, this is not a safe environment for your baby. I promise you that you are more likely to have your baby removed if you stay. There is help, benefits, refuges, charities etc that will provide the safety and security that both you and your baby need and deserve. I was in care, have very little support and was a single mum from the very beginning. It is possible and you can do it.
The first physical attack on you was strangulation, this is the strongest precursor that domestic violence will end in the death of yourself. Your baby needs you happy and safe and ALIVE. If you cannot do this for yourself as you definitely deserve better (and I can 100% guarantee this will happen again and again) please do it for your poor innocent baby. You are stronger than you know, imagine 20 years from now your beautiful baby came to you and said their partner had done this to them, how would you feel, what would you say to them.

Nobody is judging you. You'll find a lot of sympathy & support here.

Straight after this he started crying saying what are we doing

Mmmmm.......NO.

We weren't doing anything. HE, was attacking YOU in a visceral, life threatening way and you were rightly defending yourself. This is not a 'we' kind of situation. Don't you dare let yourself think this is a situation 'we' are in, as if you were also to blame.

You need to get in contact with the police and Women's Aid.

The first physical attack on you was strangulation, this is the strongest precursor that domestic violence will end in the death of yourself @singlemummanurse

This.

Focus your mind entirely on getting away from him and keeping your baby safe, because both of you aren't at the moment.

Me and my ex who hit me are now good friends. We just wasn't good for each other in a relationship, he hit me a few times and I never hit him but we definitely argued a lot from both sides. You two definitely shouldn't be together either but it doesn't mean he won't be a good Dad. You need to get away from each other and focus on yourselves and what's best for baby. He can still be in child's life but you mustn't ever be in a relationship again.

Wtf does he mean what are WE doing - wtf is HE doing?? You need to find your fire, get out, why let someone treat you like that? He doesnt respect you, you deserve better and you know it. If you hadn't have fought back what would have happened? He doesnt deserve you, he won't change, you are so young and have so many opportunities ahead of you. So much help out there. Do yourself and your baby the justice you deserve and leave. He deserves to be alone if he's not capable of controlling himself especially an extreme manner like that. As if having a newborn isn't hard enough. You have a better future out there, dont let him drag you down with promises. Its unforgiveable.

You are worried about him being in a difficult position? What about your ds not having a mother? There is only one option here. He will do this again.

I know from where I speak but luckily did not have a child. You need to get out. Go home to your family. His violence has escalated at a very rapid rate - drunk or not. You have your whole life ahead of you and a child to consider. Get out to make sure you both have a long, healthy life. This cannot get better.

@Sadmom1013
Strangulation/choking is a clear danger signal for murder.
Women are mist at risk of murder from their partners whilst pregnant or shortly after having a baby.
Leaving is one of the most dangerous times for women in abusive relationships.

You have to leave this relationship otherwise the odds are that this man will kill you.

But you need to leave carefully. Contact the police and women's aid. You need a restraining order and the violence to be logged.

I'm not sure what good me posting will do given how many other lovely people have posted. I'm sorry you're in this situation. You shouldn't worry about yourself getting in trouble for defending yourself or that you will lose your baby. You won't. But if you stay with a violent partner and social services become involved then you might. With regards practicalities and money it will be pretty shit for a bit. However that shit time will pass, you will get set up and find your feet. If you contact police and or women's Aid they will signpost you to where you can get help. There is help available, financial and emotional. You can do this!! It will be hard but so worth it, and you can make an amazing life with your little one full of love. Good luck x

@Sadmom1013

It’s the fact he got marks from me struggling he can use that against and i have my baby taken away .I would never put hands on anyone unless it’s to completely and only defend myself

You won't lose your baby if you cooperate with police and social services. You were defending yourself against a man that has just tried to murder you.

You may well lose your baby if you try and raise him in a home with an abusive partner.

Or, more likely, he'll succeed in killing you next time and your baby will be raised in care by someone else.

Being drunk is not an excuse for physical violence. It doesn't make a non-violent person become violent. It just lowers the threshold so an already violent person becomes violent more easily.
Your partner is abusive and you need to leave.

@Jessica382

Me and my ex who hit me are now good friends. We just wasn't good for each other in a relationship, he hit me a few times and I never hit him but we definitely argued a lot from both sides. You two definitely shouldn't be together either but it doesn't mean he won't be a good Dad. You need to get away from each other and focus on yourselves and what's best for baby. He can still be in child's life but you mustn't ever be in a relationship again.

Christ some people have a low bar for decency

What a wonderful 'friendship' based on mutual respect and trust you must have with a bloke that beat you

It's probably been said, but choking/strangling you are extremely worrying, and predictors of potentially lethal violence.

He can so easily kill you, even if that's not his original intention, by putting his hands round your throat. www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

Please don't risk leaving your child motherless. Go to a refuge with your baby.

If the incident two weeks ago was the first time it happened, he sounds like one of those abusers who 'traps' their victim by waiting until they give birth to show their true colours, counting on the victim staying 'for the baby'.

Please seek help, it's not going to get any better.

Thank you for all the advice.
I didn’t realise how bad the situation I’m in could potentially be .

Like most women I’m struggling with myself and scared to do anything about this .
I was meant to be seeing a health visitor today but that got cancelled.

I struggle with my own self confidence and lack strength

Sadly, from, the little feedback we have had from this young woman, it seems she may well not heed the overwhelming advice here.

So I would just say, if anyone else reading this is in a similar situation, please know that the people posting on this thread, whether survivors of domestic abuse or professionals in the field like myself, really really know what they are talking about. Please listen. I have years of experience in the field of of domestic homicide and what people are saying here is absolutely correct. Both about the risks, and also about the fact that the social worker is your friend in this situation, not an enemy who wants to take your baby from you.

Oh, so glad to see you are still here OP. If you feel you trust the health visitor, would you be able to talk to them on the phone? Or your social worker? Will you be able to tell them in real life what you have told us here? If you do heed the correct advice to leave and leave fast, they will be able to help you.

Even if you have to leave without any money or without your possessions for the meantime, this can be sorted out later. The police, social services, the helplines mentioned, they will all prioritise helping a young woman with a baby.

Please do seek help op. The police have powers to remove him from the home and to ensure he stays away giving you time to get a court order.

You do need to protect your baby. He needs you.

@Sadmom1013

Thank you for all the advice. I didn’t realise how bad the situation I’m in could potentially be .

Like most women I’m struggling with myself and scared to do anything about this .
I was meant to be seeing a health visitor today but that got cancelled.

I struggle with my own self confidence and lack strength

I no people who have been In your situation and they kept going back and believing the promises of "sorry" and "I won't do it again". She ended up so badly beaten in hospital you could see the pattern from the bottom of her partners shoe. Please please don't allow it to get that far, I no your worried about help and support but it is out there. Please if not for you do it for your baby

OP
You DON'T 'lack strength'.

For most people, strength is built. Some people are loaned strength through family support and care- the rest of us have to build it ourselves.

All of us- every, single, one of us believes you can do it.

Don't be embarrassed, don't mistakenly take on shame which belongs solely on his shoulders.

You can do it.

One tiny step at a time.
💐