My boyfriend hit me

[Sadmom1013]

My boyfriend hit me
,I gave birth to our little boy 6 weeks ago
About two weeks ago we had a bad argument he he grab my cheeks so hard and chocked me we apologised to each other as some hurtful things were said and he felt bad for putting hands on me .
Early Monday morning we had an argument he was clearly drunk he ended up punching me giving me a black eye,strangled me and jammed me in between the back of our sofa and bed .
While he was strangling me I bit his hand and scratched him to get off me and I was kicking my legs about he’s got a black eye but not as bad as mine.

Straight after this he started crying saying what are we doing .
He’s apologised to me and recognises he’s made a mistake and he’s a different person when he’s drunk and he’ll change for the better and won’t ever drink again.
He begged me not to leave and he’ll change for the sake of our family

I’m only 22 I don’t know what to do I’m just seeking advice from a really dark place please don’t judge me

@Sadmom1013

I hope you are still reading, and seen the post from theDudesmummy that the troll who has got into your head has been banned by MNHQ. I'm adding to the other voices asking you to please make contact with someone who can help you, any one of the support organisations mentioned, or your health visitor. Take a deep breath my dear - you CAN do this, both for yourself and your child. I'm sending you a virtual handhold and a 🤗 and pray you have the strength to take the next, positive, step. Bless you. 🌹

It's hard to absorb just how very dangerous your partner is.
You were a new mum with a tiny 4 week old baby and he
violently attacked you. Then just 2 weeks later he does it again
and strangles you - which is surely attempted murder in my opinion.

Canyon see he's escalating the violence, op? Some men only show their
true violent nature after a partner gives birth.
This man hasn't got a drunk alter ego, it's all him. This is who he is. He's a woman beater, this is the real him. Don't gamble with your life and your son's future happiness that this man will change.

Please don't delete the thread my lovely. You have had some really good advice and you have an army of Mumsnetters who are with you and supporting you. I know it's online but we are real people with experience with DV whether it be personal and professional. You are a Mummy, that gives you so much strength! You can do this, you are brave and strong. You have made the first step by posting on here. I know it seems scary so try not to be overwhelmed. I can promise you that every one of you worries will be okay. You won't be blamed, you will be believed, you will get help and support, you will be housed and you will be financially secure. Please, please, please call women's aid. If you don't feel you can call you can chat to an advisor online, I will post a link. Sending you a huge virtual hug and handhold.

chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Here is the link to Women's Aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

It is important to get away from the violence for you and your baby. You don't deserve to be hit.

@Sadmom1013 I hope that you continue to read the advice. No-one would pretend that it's easy to walk out from a practical, monetary point of view but if someone hit once then they'll do it again and who's to say that the child is safe in this situation?

Op, I think that whatever that person had said wouldn't have hit you so hard if you were ready to hear what the rest of us have been saying.

It's OK, you need time to digest everything and it can take a while to get your head round, and you're scared and you don't want to give up on the relationship yet.

Just think about the advice you've had, and please stay safe. Please start putting together an escape plan should he be drunk or aggressive again. Keep your phone and keys on you. Put important paperwork somewhere safe you can access. Start a secret escape fund. Speak to Women's Aid.

And remember, alcohol is not a reason to behave the way he has. If he continues to get drunk while knowing that he has the tendency to beat you up when pissed, then you need to understand : he is knowingly giving himself permission to assault you by choosing to drink.

Please please listen to the amazing women on here OP. So many have been in your shoes.

Especially listen to @theDudesmummy

Dont close the thread use this for support.

Dont stay he will hurt you again and again and again. He’ll make you leave your job, break your confidence, suggest another baby. All to trap you into being unable to leave im future as you wont have money.

It wasnt the drinking doing it. Would you be able to give someone a black eye after a few drinks? No, drink doesnt make us do things we wouldnt ordinarily do.

If you love your baby as you do then leave him. I know its scary and daunting but its the first step to a life without fear. You have a job, you’re young you CAN do it.

I’ll also reiterate what was said upthread, tonight is NYE it’s an excuse to drink, if at any point you feel unsafe grab a blanket, put your coat on, take the baby and leave.

COVID may work in your favour as most of us will not be partying tonight, there will be support on here if you need it

Just to say, I know that many here including myself, have strongly advised you to leave/talk to police etc. However, please do not feel that if you have not been able to yet take that advice you should not stay on the thread and continue to get support. No-one will judge you, it is difficult. There are many people here who know that ideally should leave asap, but if you cannot right now, please continue to get support from this thread until you can. No-one will judge you.

You aren’t safe if you stay OP.

Leave. You deserve so much more.

This thread scares me - I've joined just to post this comment. I understand you are frightened and probably shell-shocked and feel completely trapped. You don't know where the man you love has gone and a life in 'care' has probably left you feeling authority can not be trusted, that you are somehow 'wrong' and that you will not be believed. I'm not going to repeat the advice you have already had. But you are in a very dangerous position.

Unfortunately your bf is tapping into your feelings of being worthless and not being believed. If we were to say that his hitting you was partly your fault and he's a decent guy then he would not be telling you that leaving means your baby will be taken. He would not be telling you how he will tell everyone you hit him - the fact that he's saying these things means he's a very dangerous man indeed. If it was just him losing his temper in an argument he would be horrified and would probably move out to get some space. He wouldn't be making you terrified by telling you a pack of lies to control you. Because it is a pack of lies.

Abusers also control your money and your support network - they make sure you have neither. They get their hands on everything you earn/all benefits and they convince you that you can't trust anyone. Is this the case for you?

Recently there was a lady on here who got help leaving with several children. She had nothing. She rang women's aid (took several weeks) and was offered a place at a refuge. She managed to get a tiny bit of cash put away and they told her how to get benefits given to her. She loved the refuge. Made friends, her kids were happy, and she has just moved into her own council flat. He's in the military and would have told all kinds of lies but he wasnt believed - because they all say these things and the authorities can spot it a mile off.

You can do it too. There's the book 'why does he do it' (free) and you can phone women's aid. Talk to them. Find out your options. They will believe you and you will be safe once you leave.

All abusers say they will get full custody, no one will believe you, you will have the children taken etc. They ALL DO IT. Read the book, you'll see who he is snd you'll see what he will do - and you will stop blaming yourself.

If you will stay he will make sure you are less able to leave. More children. Not being able to work. No friends or support. And if you think you are depressed now believe me it can get worse. Start planning, put little bits of money away, get documents out, get another phone, talk to women's aid. Act like nothing is wrong but see your gp and report this - it's confidential and you probably need medical help (anti depressants). Talk to your health visitor too. Women's aid will support you and you will NOT have your baby removed.

This is your best opportunity- in a month you could be safe and happy. Plan now to get out with what you need and get it all lined up. Then when he's out or at work go. Leave a letter explaining you needed to get out, that you felt it had become an 'abusive situation' and wasn't 'right for anyone'.

Because he is one dangerous man. This is a lot of very extreme violence in a very short period of time. It's usually much slower to start and further apart. I do think he will destroy you completely if you stay for even six more months.

An upbringing in care has changed how you value yourself. So for now don't listen to yourself - use us to guide you. We know that this is deeply wrong, and highly dangerous, and that you won't lose your baby. Sometimes you have to go against what your fear is telling you to do and understand that your thinking isn't working properly at that moment in time.

I know you don't want to involve the police either - but I would say that if you do it becomes a lot easier to get various orders forcing him to stay away from you. Otherwise it's impossible.

But women's aid is the best place to start. They can be a little unrealistic about what can and can't be done - but they can get you out and help you to understand what steps to take. You won't get hold of them straight away but it doesn't sound like he's watching your every move yet so hopefully you can find time to speak to them. Leave it much longer and it will be close to impossible.

I am going to share a little of my story in the hope you are still reading ' .y ex became increasingly abusive once my ds was born. He strangled me with Ds in my arms. I like you had to kick out to protect Ds.. I did call the police but he got a caution and I let him back- worried about money , hoping he changed. He didn't it was worse. We ended up in a refuge.

I had a paediatrician telling me to make an escale pkan, a sw holding a number i could contact.

There are things you should know-

Strangulation is a huge risk factor for death

In refuge - numbers surge due to drink- partners together. ..

Please get important papers together.

Do prioritise keeping baby safe.

This shoukd be a time when you are recieving lots of support.

Last comment a hv once told me he would do munimum to get me back in line and take him back.

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@Sadmom1013
I’ve just had confirmation from Mumsnet hq that Shelly is now banned. That means we are all right. That person is a troll. See attached for proof - email from mnhq and a screenshot of deleted posts.

Please listen to billybagpuss Shelly has fed into your anxieties. We know nothing about Shelly. The could be woman or a man, even a domestic abuser.[/quote]

well done.. the poster Shelly was just appalling ... thank you 🌺

@Sadmom1013 I lived for ten years in an abusive relationship. He grabbed me by the throat early on, and then cried about it. He then over the years pushed, slapped and threw things at me. He shook me by the throat, threatened me with a knife and put his fist through a door several times when I locked myself in a room to keep him away.

The last time he grabbed me by the throat he squeezed, and I grabbed the nearest thing to hand (empty wine bottle) and hit him over the head with it to get him off me. He tried to say we were “equally as bad” which then led to him saying I was abusive to him and had violent rages. He tried to blame me. It was a lie. They always try to blame the victim.

I have no doubt that if I’d stayed I’d be dead. I was defending myself, and everyone I’ve told in real life was supportive. I now have a friend who is a police officer, who has assured me it was completely self defence on my part. She also said if I’d stayed he would have killed me.

Please leave him, for your baby. I’m so scared for you. You have done nothing wrong.

Bit of random advice that my local charity gave was to make sure the change bag was full of bits for the baby. Make sure you have nappies, bottles,dummies, milk and spare clothes. Put your shoes on the buggy. If you have to run for your life then put the baby in the pram and run. Stop and put your shoes on when you’re safe. I hid money in the bottom of the wipes, it’s plastic these days so won’t get ruined.
A troll on a Mumsnet thread got inside me head too. My thoughts are with you.

I hope you're still reading, OP even if you're not comfortable posting. Please make your plans , and get yourself away from that vile man when you can do so safely. If you're in the Beds/Bucks/Herts area, PM me and i will help you.

I hope you come back.

The women here at Mumsnet are mighty and can help lift you up. Many many women have posted on here in dire abusive situations and managed to leave. There is help and support available.

@Sadmom1013 I would judge you, yes. I'd judge you a courageous woman who would do anything to protect her child. You would be doing absolutely the right thing by leaving. Do yourself and your child justice. The path is hard but there are many that will help you both

“make sure the change bag was full of bits for the baby. Make sure you have nappies, bottles,dummies, milk and spare clothes. Put your shoes on the buggy. If you have to run for your life then put the baby in the pram and run. Stop and put your shoes on when you’re safe. I hid money in the bottom of the wipes, it’s plastic these days so won’t get ruined.”

Terrific advice here from @user1471462428. That’s something you can do now.

Keep posting OP if you just want to talk and have some friendly support while you think things through.
I hope that there is someone in real life who can give you a hug.

@Sadmom1013 I agree with others here. You are in a really dangerous situation, it’s NYE. He’ll drink again. You and your baby are in massive danger.
I see you are a care leaver. I’m sorry you were in care. Do you have a leaving care SW you can reach out to? You need help right now to keep you and baby safe.
I’m going to be harsh now but it is very well meant advice. You are in a violent relationship. If you stay, at some point social services will become involved (if they are not already). Every day you stay you are failing to protect your baby. I understand you might ‘love’ your DP. I understand you want to believe he’s sorry. I also understand he might mean it in that moment but he is not a good man. I understand you are probably craving the family unit you may not have had but this is not the answer. You can’t ‘fix’ him. If he wants to change he needs professional help and you cannot be a part of that. It’s too dangerous. Every day you stay you run the risk of that baby going into care. Don’t let him threaten you about ‘custody’ it’s absolute bullshit. Don’t be scared to confide in the authorities. They are there to protect you both. The longer you hide this, make excuses for him, stay with him, the nearer you get to social services intervening. You know this, you know the care system, you are probably already on their radar. Do the right thing, the bravest thing and get out now. Keep him away and let social workers help you manage his contact with the baby. You need to be a parent now and not a partner. I work in this area and I post from many years experience. If you stay this could be so dangerous but also a decision you will regret for the rest of your life. You are so young, you have a future that is better than this.
I do mean that as helpful advice, I really do.