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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My boyfriend hit me

273 replies

Sadmom1013 · 30/12/2020 11:05

My boyfriend hit me
,I gave birth to our little boy 6 weeks ago
About two weeks ago we had a bad argument he he grab my cheeks so hard and chocked me we apologised to each other as some hurtful things were said and he felt bad for putting hands on me .
Early Monday morning we had an argument he was clearly drunk he ended up punching me giving me a black eye,strangled me and jammed me in between the back of our sofa and bed .
While he was strangling me I bit his hand and scratched him to get off me and I was kicking my legs about he’s got a black eye but not as bad as mine.

Straight after this he started crying saying what are we doing .
He’s apologised to me and recognises he’s made a mistake and he’s a different person when he’s drunk and he’ll change for the better and won’t ever drink again.
He begged me not to leave and he’ll change for the sake of our family

I’m only 22 I don’t know what to do I’m just seeking advice from a really dark place please don’t judge me

OP posts:
MrsFluffyMuff · 30/12/2020 11:17

What this will tell everyone in authority is that you are prepared to protect your baby above him, that you are prepared to get help, that you will not let your baby stay in an unsafe situation.

Honestly OP i know someone who lost their child to social services because they would not leave their abuser. You need to get out.

queenofknives · 30/12/2020 11:18

I'm so sorry, this sounds really traumatic and scary. Are you physically okay, do you need to see a doctor or go to a&e? Is your child physically safe? That's the first thing. If you are both okay, then you need to start planning your escape.

The thing is, no matter what he says, men who hit their partners tend to not only keep doing it but the violence usually escalates and gets worse. If you stay, he will see that as you accepting the violence and take it as 'permission' to hurt you further. You do need to get out of this relationship for your and your child's safety.

Do you have family who could help? You should get in touch with Women's Aid, they have a website so you can chat to them online if easier for you. There is support and help available, and lots of women on here who have been through similar nightmares. Sending strength to you Flowers

Beamur · 30/12/2020 11:18

Good advice on this thread. It's really not ok what he has done and sadly it's probably a matter of time before he hurts you again.
Get some advice and get somewhere safe with your baby.

Meltedwellie · 30/12/2020 11:18

Good on you for sharing what has happened and not keeping it to yourself. You will have a lot of mixed emotions going on. I’m sure he can be lovely when he feels like it and it can be a bit of disbelief that someone who should care for you could do this. He even might believe in his head that he loves you. But this isn’t what love should be. He won’t change, it will only get worse. Yes, your whole life will change once you split up but it will change for the better. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your baby. X

smartiecake · 30/12/2020 11:18

You have to report this to the police. He is a serious risk of doing this again or killing you. What then for your little boy? You need to protect yourself and your little one? What if he became violent towards your baby? Or when he is older? Please please report him. Call the police. You and your baby dont have to live this way. Social services may be involved but they wont take your baby away, they will help you to protect him. If you stay in a violent relationship then you do run the risk of your baby being taken into care if you have not protected him from a violent father. Please seek help.

notacooldad · 30/12/2020 11:19

I agree with MrsFluffyMuff
You ARE at risk at losing your child if you stay.
DV will repeat and escalate. In other words its going to get a hell of a lot worse.
Protect your child and yourself.
Do you honestly think he will never drink again? Seriously?
There's loads of help. Please use it.

Beautifulbonnie · 30/12/2020 11:20

I was the child

I was the one who saw my mother beaten so badly he broke bones

He eventually turned into me. As a child.

He will turn onto your son

So get out now. Please.

Starlia · 30/12/2020 11:21

You and your baby aren't safe with him. He won't stop and you will live in fear, wondering what will trigger another outburst.
Choking you is a really, really bad sign of escalating and dangerous violence. Please hear that if nothing else.
Leaving him to protect your life and the life of your baby will not mean you'll lose him. It means you will be doing the right thing as a mother. You just need help, support and some resources at this time.
This is not your fault. You are not a bad person. You don't deserve to be treated like this. You are worthy of love and respect.

Moondust001 · 30/12/2020 11:22

Do not believe anything he says. Alcohol does not turn people into things they are not. He is violent, and he will do it again. Many times. Make sure that it isn't you on the receiving end - get out now.

LIZS · 30/12/2020 11:22

@Sadmom1013

I’m scared to go the police I don’t want to lose my child or put him in a difficult situation
That is more likely if you do not report. You need to be seen to prioritise the safety and wellbeing of your baby and by extension yourself. How can you do that if you live in fear, get hospitalised or worse Can you call Women's Aid for advice or confide in your mw or health visitor?
LightDrizzle · 30/12/2020 11:23

Hands to throat is a regarded by experts in the field as a predictor of someone at risk of being killed by their abuser. Death can be surprisingly quick if an airway is closed off or damaged. It’s still death whether it is intent to kill or “loss of control”.

His remorse afterwards is irrelevant to your safety now, you must get away and ensure your baby grows up with his lovely mum.
It’s not you, it’s him, and the reasons really aren’t for you to worry about. I’m so sorry but you are young and will rebuild a life without him in time.

Take one step at a time; starting with going to a place of safety and a call to the police. The police need to know in order to protect you, but also to protect any future partners of his by ensuring they have a record of his actions and so take any new incidents very seriously.

None of this or any potential consequences for him are your fault. You aren’t “doing it” to him, his actions have certain consequences in a civil society and you shouldn’t obstruct those consequences.
Flowers

mamaoffourdc · 30/12/2020 11:23

You won't lose your child going to the police - you are more likely to lose your child in the future if you don't leave and report him - take care xx

TheShepherdsCrown · 30/12/2020 11:24

Please take your beautiful baby and leave this violent man. Abusers don’t change and it is sadly common for them to begin their abuse once their partner is pregnant or soon after birth. You may need to plan your escape carefully if you think he might try to prevent you from going. Leave when he’s not there or simply take the baby out for a walk or whatever having made your plans. But please ask others for help. A friend, a family member (no need to be ashamed, they will want to help if they know what you are going through) or Woman’s Aid. Take photos of the bruises and injuries. Contact the police for help if needed.

theDudesmummy · 30/12/2020 11:25

I am a professional in this field, please please listen to me. Take your baby and your important documents, and go straight to the police station. Right now. You will not lose your baby.

pinkyredrose · 30/12/2020 11:27

He begged me not to leave and he’ll change for the sake of our family

Abusive men always say this. He was sorry the first time too. You need to leave before he kills you. Your son will be in a much worse position if you're not around.

What's your housing situation, do you rent? Is it in your name, joint names etc?

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/12/2020 11:28

Sorry OP but please listen to what everyone is trying to tell you. You need to get away from him right now and you need to involve the police so they can assure your own safety and your baby's.

He has assaulted you twice in the space of a couple of weeks. Particularly worrying is the fact that on both occasions he has choked/strangled you. Punching and hitting is bad enough but strangling is extremely worrying as it is directly link to a desire to kill. If you punch someone your motivation is to hurt them, if you strangle someone your motivation is to end their life.

On average, 2 women a week are murdered in England & Wales by current or former partners. Last I checked that had more than doubled this year, assumedly due to lockdown. Please do not become one of those statistics because you either believe he won't do it again (he will) or because you don't want to ask for help (you need to).

isittimetogotobed · 30/12/2020 11:29

You need to leave. For your sake and the sake of your baby.

soopedup · 30/12/2020 11:30

We’re not going to judge. Only help. You are young. You can start again without this in your life. Nobody will take your child from you. You have been abused. That’s not your fault. Get help. Is there anywhere you can go?

soopedup · 30/12/2020 11:31

Does anyone have any links for this lady?
Can you tell us what area you live so we can help you find organisations to help

Spanglemum · 30/12/2020 11:32

Do you have anyone you can contact? Previous foster carers or social workers? Family members? You are in danger of loosing your baby if you stay in a violent relationship. Plus the violence will be harming him. You have to show that you can put his wellbeing first. Your boyfriend is not your priority here, your baby is.

AnnabelDickson · 30/12/2020 11:33

I had a violent ex, but he never choked me. Honestly, choking is the most dangerous thing he could do to you and you are at real risk of being killed. Please please please go to the police and get away from this dangerous man.

ForeverBubblegum · 30/12/2020 11:33

He apologised 2 weeks ago for laying hands on you, and now he has hurt you again, this show apologies mean nothing. His apology after the first incident didn't stop the second, and his apology after the most recent attack won't stop him doing it again. You need to leave, it's the only was you and your baby will be safe.

Designateddiver · 30/12/2020 11:34

My ex did similar when ds was 2 weeks old. I didn't leave him straight away for reasons similar to yours but I did eventually ( took about a year to totally break free). It was the best thing ever, I had no family ( all dead), I worried about money - without ex I actually had more ( as no one spending my money on drink). My life now is great, I won't lie it was difficult at first but easier without him and now brilliant, you can do it and it is worth it

Soontobe60 · 30/12/2020 11:35

Please read this @Sadmom1013.
safelives.org.uk/

This man is not your boyfriend. He doesn’t deserve that status.Well done for reaching out - this is the first step. The next step is to call the police. www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
You will receive sound advice and practical help in getting away from this man with your baby. Nobody is going to take your baby away from you, that I promise, as long as you put baby first and don't let this man have any more control over you.
I wish you well xx

RantyAnty · 30/12/2020 11:36

Please call Women's Aid and ask for help.
Calling the police will protect your baby and you.
Please do what you must to get away from him before he kills you. Flowers

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