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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My boyfriend hit me

273 replies

Sadmom1013 · 30/12/2020 11:05

My boyfriend hit me
,I gave birth to our little boy 6 weeks ago
About two weeks ago we had a bad argument he he grab my cheeks so hard and chocked me we apologised to each other as some hurtful things were said and he felt bad for putting hands on me .
Early Monday morning we had an argument he was clearly drunk he ended up punching me giving me a black eye,strangled me and jammed me in between the back of our sofa and bed .
While he was strangling me I bit his hand and scratched him to get off me and I was kicking my legs about he’s got a black eye but not as bad as mine.

Straight after this he started crying saying what are we doing .
He’s apologised to me and recognises he’s made a mistake and he’s a different person when he’s drunk and he’ll change for the better and won’t ever drink again.
He begged me not to leave and he’ll change for the sake of our family

I’m only 22 I don’t know what to do I’m just seeking advice from a really dark place please don’t judge me

OP posts:
FlippinNoah · 30/12/2020 11:36

Leave. Today. Just pack up a few things, make it look like you are taking your baby for a walk in the pram. Then go to the police. They will help you. @Smokeahontas gave good advice about going to Superdrug or Boots and asking to use their safe space.

My boyfriend hit me
VettiyaIruken · 30/12/2020 11:40

You need to take your baby and leave before he kills you.
Strangulation is one of the biggest indicators of subsequent murder.
Get out before he kills you or your baby. Don't fool yourself that could not happen. Dont feel sorry for the man who beats you. Whatever happens now is the result of his choice to hurt you!

theDudesmummy · 30/12/2020 11:42

If you can't manage to get your documents or any belongings without arousing suspicion, just leave them for now. It is more important that you get out. Just take the baby "for a walk" and go to the police station, or a Safe Space pharmacy, as others have suggested.

pallasathena · 30/12/2020 11:42

Be strong OP.
Take on board the advice given before you and your baby become another tragic statistic on the 6 o'clock news.
Flowers

Chloemol · 30/12/2020 11:45

You need to go to the police and report. He won’t change, he will do it again, do you want your child growing up seeing this?

The police should be able to put you in touch with people who can help

loobylou10 · 30/12/2020 11:45

Please listen to the people who know what they're talking about here. Please.
You have to leave.

caringcarer · 30/12/2020 11:46

Speak to your SW or LA contact and ask for their help in making this man move out. Ask for s Mother and Baby placement to get you some mych.needef support. They are available and would benefit you and baby as an experienced Mum would help you to get baby into routine and offer support if you are alone with baby. You and your baby are in grave danger. You have already had a difficult life and now need to take a deep breath and make sensible choices for your safety and safety of your baby. You don't have to do it alone. Seek help. Woman's Aid will help you, reach out and get help. Also get injuries photographed and go to GP to get them recorded. Sometime down the line you may need to prove to his bf is abusive to protect your baby.

PerhapsOverlyWorried · 30/12/2020 11:48

Leave. He won’t ever change ever, unless it’s to become more and more violent. Your life is at risk, your baby is at risk and the second it’s reported to the police by neighbours they will report it to social services and you will lose your child. Leave.

cupofdecaf · 30/12/2020 11:48

If you are young and we're in care do you have a social worker who could support you? Are you in contact with any foster parents or similar? At the very least you have a health visitor who will be able to support you.
As previous posters have said strangulation is a high risk factor for domestic murder.
Be clear with the police that you were only acting in self defence, do not let him or anyone make you think you are as bad as each other. It is legal to defend yourself but not to attack someone like he did.
He won't change, it's not your job to protect him so you need to leave. It's your job to look after you and your baby so focus on that. In terms of supporting a prosecution you'll find court, contact, legal aid etc a lot better if there's a domestic violence conviction so support the police and give evidence if you have to it'll benefit you and baby in the long run. Hopefully you can get a restraining order and before that protective bail conditions.
Good luck xx

partyatthepalace · 30/12/2020 11:51

No one will judge you sweetheart, but please call women’s aid, make quick and quiet plans to leave and get out ASAP.

This is abuse and no one should have to put up with it. Your boyfriend will not change. This story is as old as the hills.

I am not trying to scare you, but if you don’t leave by your own choice it is quite possible social services will get involved because you have a young baby.

So if you won’t leave for yourself, leave for your baby.

Call women’s refuge now and keep posting here for support.

JustHavinABreak · 30/12/2020 11:52

6 weeks ago when your little baby was placed in your arms for the first time I bet you made all kinds of silent promises to protect him with your life no matter what. Most of us hope it will never come to that, and that our children will never be placed in huge danger. But here you are only a short time later and you have to protect his life and your own. You are no good to him beaten or strangled to death by an abusive partner.

Get your baby and your documents and get to the nearest police station. You will be treated with kindness and compassion. This is not your fault sweetheart but he is telling you - showing you - who he is. Please listen.

Mischance · 30/12/2020 11:54

I very much hope that he is no longer your boyfriend. I know it is very hard to end a relationship, but truly this is what you must do. Any man who can hit a woman is not fit to be a father or partner.

I know it is a cliche, but you really do deserve better.

I am sorry that this has happened and send good wishes to you - I hope you manage to leave.

Itsallchange · 30/12/2020 11:55

You need to get out and you need to get out now, I would be doubtful that before baby was born it was all sweetness and light and if you look back the signs have probably been there forever. Your bf did not just hit you, he has strangled you twice! I don’t mean to sound harsh but next time he might not stop....at some point he will not stop. He will then panic and possibly hurt your child to cover his tracks! You need help and if you don’t have family or friends please call a professional, social worker, gp or woman’s aid. Anyone that can help you get out. Do something today please before you run out of time. DM me if you need some virtual support

EileenGC · 30/12/2020 11:57

No one is judging you Thanks

You are incredibly strong and have a beautiful tiny baby, who is worth fighting for. For his sake, leave. Your baby needs his mum, he needs you alive, so you now need to put him first and leave your boyfriend ASAP.

He won't change, it'll only get worse. As other posters have said, please contact Women's Aid or the police today, and protect your baby by leaving as soon as you can.

Iwantacookie · 30/12/2020 12:00

Your so young but if this man can put his hands on you do you want your dc to grow up thinking that is normal. You've been given some great advice please take it. Good luck

MzHz · 30/12/2020 12:01

Not a soul in their right mind will judge you.

You know this is wrong, that’s why you’re here with us now.

There’s help out there for you, don’t stop trying you I get as much of it as you can, pack a bag now and get to someone safe. If that’s not an option, call the police/woman’s aid and ask them to help you leave

FightingWithTheWind · 30/12/2020 12:03

Your priorities need to be the safety of yourself and your baby, i'm so sorry this is happening, but you have to leave. He won't change, and the violence has already escalated in the last 2 weeks, it will only escalate further now and possibly even faster. He has already put his hands around your throat, he is dangerous and you are not safe with him, neither is your child. A womens refuge will help you and as others have said you are far more likely to lose your child if you do stay with him. There are a million reasons why you cannot stay with this man.

SoulSearcher13 · 30/12/2020 12:10

Please don’t put yourself threw this anymore Hun. You aren’t to blame - no matter what you said, there is no excuse for violence.

REAL MEN DONT HIT WOMEN!!

You can do so much better than this and your beautiful baby deserves more than this.

I know you think you have no option but to stay but there is so much help out there if you if you decide to leave, for example Women’s Aid are absolutely fantastic. They never judge and will even help you with any legal / benefits issues. They really do care.

I really help you find the strength to leave and build a new life for yourself and your baby.

Stay strong x x

Weirdfan · 30/12/2020 12:11

The minute they put their hands on you it's like a switch flicks, whatever they promise afterwards (counselling/anger management/never drink again etc) if you stay after they've hurt you it gives them the green light to hurt you again. If you stay he knows he can do that to you and you still won't leave so you need to realise what you're signing yourself and your tiny 6 week old baby up to, which is more violence. Honestly OP there is only one thing to do here, leave before he seriously hurts you, because he will Sad

CandyLeBonBon · 30/12/2020 12:16

Phone the police, phone the abuse hotline. Get an urgent non molestation order and get him out.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 30/12/2020 12:19

I listened to a horrifying article on radio 4 about domestic violence as they are are trying to get strangulation/choking seen as a specific crime and not lumped in with gbh. The reason, that if you are strangled by an abuser you are much more likely to end up being killed by them. I don't want to scare you but you need to take this very seriously. He is a dangerous man. Please leave and have a better life with your child. Good luck

Happyadventurer · 30/12/2020 12:26

@Sadmom1013

I was in care but recently reconnected with family. I live I a completely different city to them all.

I don’t think I can speak to them ,I’m embarrassed we went over for Christmas a few days ago and everything was fine

Ex social worker here. I just want to reinforce what other posters have said to you that if you prioritise and protect your child you will not be at risk of losing him/her. The important thing is that you put your child before your abusive partner and remove him/her from the risk of harm. There are lots of red flags here for you and for your child.

I highlighted your comment about being in care because if you have spent time in care then social services have an ongoing responsibility for you until you are 25. You should be able to access services easily. Yes, they will look at the risk to your child and if they see that you have taken all the necessary steps to protect you will get support. Contrary to what a lot of people think social workers do not like removing children from their family. Removal is the last resort, not the first. Please don’t be afraid ask for help.

I don’t mean to lecture but the help is there. You know that the right thing to do is to keep you and your baby safe. Trust me, that black eye is just the start of a long and dangerous road for you. Get out while you can.

2BDIs · 30/12/2020 12:26

Please, please leave. It will never end and once its started and you forgive he knows you accept it and he will never change. I've been there and it culminated in me being stabbed. Was only with the bustard for 20 months in total.
If you care one bit for your baby leave. Go to friends, parents, shelter anything but get away from him
If it is your House contact the DV unit of your local force and ask them to assist you in removing him. This will have no happy ending whilst you stay together.
Much love and strength for you to do the right thing and free yourself.

wibblewombat · 30/12/2020 12:30

Yep, strangulation is a massive red flag for future really, really bad outcomes.

Look at this way, if you get help now, you may avert something that will ruin his life, your baby's life, not to mention your own.

MadameTuffington · 30/12/2020 12:31

@MrsFluffyMuff

You need to leave. He won't stop. It won't get better. It WILL escalate to the point you end up in hospital, or someone sees your injuries and social services are called. I'm not saying this to scare you, I'm saying it from experience. You need to leave ASAP.
This 100% - you need to protect yourself - get on the phone to a domestic violence helpline - he will continue to hurt you if you don’t xxxx