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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My boyfriend hit me

273 replies

Sadmom1013 · 30/12/2020 11:05

My boyfriend hit me
,I gave birth to our little boy 6 weeks ago
About two weeks ago we had a bad argument he he grab my cheeks so hard and chocked me we apologised to each other as some hurtful things were said and he felt bad for putting hands on me .
Early Monday morning we had an argument he was clearly drunk he ended up punching me giving me a black eye,strangled me and jammed me in between the back of our sofa and bed .
While he was strangling me I bit his hand and scratched him to get off me and I was kicking my legs about he’s got a black eye but not as bad as mine.

Straight after this he started crying saying what are we doing .
He’s apologised to me and recognises he’s made a mistake and he’s a different person when he’s drunk and he’ll change for the better and won’t ever drink again.
He begged me not to leave and he’ll change for the sake of our family

I’m only 22 I don’t know what to do I’m just seeking advice from a really dark place please don’t judge me

OP posts:
MNHQ
soniamumsnet · 30/12/2020 12:32

Hi there,

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful.

If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page. www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

user1481050140 · 30/12/2020 12:32

You poor love x it’s really awful but you know what you have to do. You need to ensure your own safety and you can’t risk your son losing his mother. You also know that you can’t expose your child to this type of violence and horror.

Ideally you need to contact police and press charges he needs to know you will not accept this from him. please photograph your injuries.

This type of behaviour doesn’t change on its own and will only hey worse. The level of violence he has inflicted on you so soon after first time shows a really scary escalation. If you don’t make him leave and don’t listen to his emotional blackmail and crying and excuses you could end up dead next time.

Your boyfriend needs to leave and sort himself out separately and on his own before he thinks about coming back to the family home. He clearly has a drink problem that he needs to go to AA for, Insay that as an alcoholic myself and someone who has some things when drinking that we’re awful and i would never do sober. It is absolutely no excuse though. He will not do this himself and needs help.

Having a baby is stressful and hard, so is having a toddler or a teenager or a job loss or an argument or a family crisis is or death. My point is that there will always be an excuse for how awful behaviour - getting drunk and beating his partner..

Start the new year with some peace and calm and get rid of his, you don’t have to live like this and he is doing nothing but cause you pain problems. Look after your beautiful baby boy and enjoy him without threat and stress from this loser. It’s sad but it’s not your fault.

FatCatThinCat · 30/12/2020 12:34

If you stay with this man he will kill you. It's as simple as that.

You need to leave for your own safety and that of your baby. Men like him don't change, they just get worse and worse.

Wanderlusto · 30/12/2020 12:34

He could have killed you. There are really high stats for murder once they start putting their hands on your throat.

Get out. If you stay with an abuser and make no move to leave or protect your kid THEN the social services will be likely to take the child should they find out. However if you make it clear you are done with him then they will support you in that and have no reason to take your child away.

You need to speak to the police. He has now physically assaulted you twice. If he was genuinely remorseful the first time then he would never have looked at alcohol again if he thought it might lead to a repeat of the offence. He is playing you and means you harm.

Do whatever it takes to get free of him. First of, police station for a report. You need to protect YOU. And your child. Not a woman beater.

Ohdoleavemealone · 30/12/2020 12:34

I mean this in the nicest way, this is how cycles of care kids happen.
He knows you have no family support so you are an easy target to isolate and control. In the middle of all this your baby is at risk.

If SS find out and you fail to take steps to support them, the baby goes into care and becomes you in 20 years time.

If they fail to protect their child, that child goes into care to repeat the cycle.

Please love, break the cycle now! Ring womens aid, get out without the scars before he does more damage.

You are not alone. This forum has held many hands as they walk away from abusive partners. We can do it for you too.

Notverygrownup · 30/12/2020 12:37

Oh Sadmom, you have had lots of good advice on here, but it probably feels very overwhelming with lots of people keen to tell you what you need to do. Flowers for you.

I hope that you are still reading, and that you can take your time to browse through these messages and gain courage from them. You have been very sensible posting here and seeking support and you will find it here whenever you need it.

There are many MNetters who have been where you are. Sadly being pregnant and giving birth seem to be triggers to start some men on the path of physical abuse. And it is very, very hard for men to change, once they have crossed that barrier of laying hands on you violently.

If your partner genuinely wants to change, he will report himself, seek professional support and leave you and the baby whilst he gets counselling and ongoing help. But he is the one who must initiate this. Your job is to protect your little one, by ensuring that his mummy is safe and that she does not live with someone who ever, ever thinks it is acceptable to hit or strangle her, whatever she says or does.

Please do not equate his black eye with your injuries. You were kicking out to defend yourself and you were not being abusive.

Best of luck. Keep reading. Keep posting. Keep safe.

Branleuse · 30/12/2020 12:38

you really need to leave with your baby and report this to the police. if anyone finds out that you are staying in a violent relationship with a child, you risk being seen as not knowing how to keep you or your child safe.

MimiDaisy11 · 30/12/2020 12:38

It's happened twice. It's highly likely it will happen again. Even if you have weeks or months of no violence are you going to feel safe around him or are you going to be worried and walking on eggshells worried about it happening again?

It's a tough situation you're in but if you have family/friends who can put you up it might be good to move out. Also, it's good to contact police and services for domestic violence victims too.

ShouldIgonow · 30/12/2020 12:38

Hi OP you say baby is 6 weeks old? So baby will be due a check by a health visitor or a GP and you too will get your 6 week check. It’s a useful point to bring all this stuff up with covid your check might be later but perhaps call to bring it ahead. A man who hits is not right - you were defending yourself.

I hope you find a way out to protect you and your baby.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 30/12/2020 12:41

You need to leave. If he choked you there is a very good chance he will KILL YOU. Then what will happen to your little one. Call the police, report him then get as far away as possible. Social services will not take your baby as long as you protect it by leaving the bastard, but they will be able to help you. Please please. If you can't do it for yourself, leave for your little ones sake.

Original poster
Sadmom1013 · 30/12/2020 12:41

I’m on maternity leave at the moment I don’t have enough money to support myself to go off on my own .

He’s said to me that he was completely drunk and wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t .

I’m just emotionally lost and I’m going to need all the help I can get with my baby

I really appreciate all the advice but I’m in a extremely hard spot by myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadmom1013 · 30/12/2020 12:44

It’s the fact he got marks from me struggling he can use that against and i have my baby taken away .I would never put hands on anyone unless it’s to completely and only defend myself

OP posts:
Esse321 · 30/12/2020 12:44

and what happens the next time he's drunk? what happens if he kills you and leaves your baby without a mummy - please phone women's aid, there is support out there for you.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 30/12/2020 12:44

Go to the council, tell them you are homeless due to domestic abuse. They WILL help you. Please love. He will not stop, you need to keep yourself and your baby safe

MaybeNew · 30/12/2020 12:48

Please don’t worry about the marks on him. Go to the police and ask for a domestic violence officer. Explain what happened, including what you did in self defence. They will not take your baby away.

GreySkyClouds · 30/12/2020 12:52

You should contact Relate and Women’s Aid.

I’m sorry you don’t have supportive family around you. You must feel very scared; I know I was.

I don’t know whether others would agree, but I would say take your time to plan your separation because you need to do it properly.

Sending you positive vibes.

GreySkyClouds · 30/12/2020 12:52

@Sadmom1013

It’s the fact he got marks from me struggling he can use that against and i have my baby taken away .I would never put hands on anyone unless it’s to completely and only defend myself
Don’t worry about this.
Hailtomyteeth · 30/12/2020 12:53

Listen to what other women are telling you.

Contact Women's Aid, the police and your local authority. I knew a young woman in similar circumstances and her local authority gave her temporary accommodation right away. The other day on MN, someone said 'Tell your midwife'. Do that. Midwife or Health visitor. Persist. Keep telling people (except him) until you are safely out of there.

You aren't to blame for his behaviour. No matter how 'good' you are in future, you won't be able to prevent him from attacking you whenever he wants to.

Please listen to us and draw from us the courage, strength and quiet determination you need to build a safer future.

LIZS · 30/12/2020 12:55

Womens Aid have access to benefits advisers who can help you access funds and accommodation. He would also be required to pay maintenance. Please leave asap, before he has the opportunity to attack you again,

Wanderlusto · 30/12/2020 12:55

And has he promised to never drink again?
I bet not!

And the police know what defensive marks are.
Take photos of any injuries to yourself and see they are saved in a safe place.(eg: the cloud storage).

Speak with womens aid and the council to see what can be offered.

The fact that you are on maternity leave actually works in your favour, take the free time to take actions required to get away. There is help available, you just need to reach out for it.

Taikoo · 30/12/2020 12:55

If you stay, he'll probably kill you.
Although it does sound to me like you'll stay with him till the bitter end.
Sad

triballeader · 30/12/2020 12:55

Sadmom- the police are very good at telling the difference between offensive caused by the attacker and defensive bruising caused by the person attacked attempting to protect themselves. Not reporting this serious assualt is the very worst thing you can do for your tiny defenceless baby.

Your baby is at real risk of serious harm if you do not call the police and report this and ask for their urgent help.

You are at real risk of being murdered by a man who is already using chokeholds and has tried to strangle you.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 30/12/2020 12:56

He is such an arsehole. You haven’t mentioned who’s name is in the tenancy? Or who owns the property? If it’s you, he can be removed. If it’s his, council have a duty to rehome you. Please listen to people here. Please stay safe.

marchez · 30/12/2020 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2BDIs · 30/12/2020 13:01

You do not need to worry about money. You will be housed and receive benefits towards rent, council tax etc. This is what abusers rely on to keep you compliant and reliant on them that you feel you can't do it alone. There have been 10s of thousands of woman leaving violent partners with children in tow. Please speak to someone as I now what you are going through. I said in my last post it culminated in me being stabbed. I have hearing damage from the amount of blows I took to the head, my body is scarred from the assaults. My ex used to throw icy water on me at night and then make me sleep by the front door at night with no blankets etc like a dog, as he said that is what I was. This started out as pinching and pushing, nothing as serious as your first assaults, my ex built his attacks up to brainwash. With you it is not a one off and this has happened twice in tw oweeks now. Without meaning to upset you op what will you do if he kills you or your baby in a fit of rage? You must see the news reports where the unthinkable happens. Please just call woman's aid. Shelter. The local police station. A dv holiness. Your social worker. If you don't want to protect yourself, protect your baby and dont give them the life in care your parents gave you. Break the cycle now before it too late. Emotional and financial support is available. You do not need to worry about staying as you think you can't afford to be in your own. You can. You will survive and you will come out of this stronger and glad you broke free