Heartbroken, he wants space.

[yulelogc]

Partner of a year, don't live together at the moment but had plans to very soon as I'm pregnant. Things were good I thought then tonight he said he needs space.. but that's it. He won't tell me how much space, or if it means we are together still I have no idea and whenever I ask he just says he doesn't want to hurt me and won't give me a straight answer. I'm heartbroken. I want to know where I stand but also don't want to push. I know I need to give him space but it's so hard 😔 please help me get through this I'm devastated and so confused.

He persuaded you to go through with a pregnancy you didn't want

I'm not sure that's quite fair though? If we accept that once a woman's pregnant all the choices remain with her - and on MN we apparently do - then OP could equally have chosen not to go ahead in having a child with someone she barely knew

However that's all water under the bridge and OP's already said her choices have been less than wise. As said, she deserves a lot better than this and hopefully in time she'll find one of the decent ones

I won't be giving the baby his surname if we're not together

NO.

You don't give your baby his surname full stop. Because it's highly likley that he WILL be 'together' for the birth, so that he doesn't look like a shit, and to make sure he gets the surname, and then he will manufacture an argument and disappear telling everyone it's your fault. And he won't move in, and he won't be a parent, and he won't support you, just like it's ALWAYS been.

This is about your baby, not him. Give your baby a surname which will link them to the people who are going to be the ones they call family - you, your other child. They will need that support and that validation. They are already going to have to contend with having a lying, pathetic shit who doesn't really care as a dad. Give the baby a surname which places them in your family, and don't make your life even harder in an everyday sense by making your baby carry the name of a man they never see.

He's just messaged me asking if we can talk later. What now? I need help on what to do because my mind isn't thinking clearly right now 😔

I thought you’d blocked him. Don’t talk to him later. What could he possibly want to say?

I wouldn't respond.

For someone wanting space hes hassling you alot

Sit down with your mum, put pen to paper and work out what you need to get organised and what issues re contact etc that need to be discussed..

Wait until you are armed with a plan and are in more of a state to be constructive

yulelogc

message back

Right now isn't a good time for me, it would be better after the weekend, so I'll let you know when Im free.

this gives you time to sort out your mind and what you want

if gives space between you - which after all was what he wanted

it gives him the message loud and clear you are taking control of your own life

I didn't block him, deleted his number so I couldn't message him. It was more about me not contacting him, which I haven't done so far.

You think I shouldn't respond? I shouldn't hear what he has to say? What if it makes me feel worse? I'm not thinking clearly that's the trouble

No, don't let him dictate when you can talk about it. Do as the PP suggests and say now isn't a good time, after the weekend is better, I will let you know when I am free.

I would respond but just to give him the message that now isn't a good time for you, by messaging this you are not playing games by ignoring him. you are clear on the content - not a good time but after the weekend will be

this gives you a few days to have people in real life look after you and help you

whatever he has to say can wait - no one is going to die if you don't talk to him until after the weekend - it can wait until you're in a better frame of mind

Just to add, if poss then turn off your phone and go for a walk with your mum and kids. You may feel worse temporarily but he really is being a dick and needs to realise that you aren't desperate to be with him no matter how he behaves (even if you feel that way). Be strong!

Unless you’re feeling strong enough not to just suck up more of his lies and empty promises I’m not sure. He’s probably going to witter on about how he loves you but feels overwhelmed and could you give him more time. At this point you need to finish things, not let him keep you dangling. You should be livid. I really don’t see why you’d bother letting this continue any further. You’re not going to get your happy family dream that’s in your head with this man, whatever he has told you in the past. It was all hearts and flowers, romantic dreams and promises, not real. You need to let go of this thread you’re clinging onto, even though it will hurt for a bit. This guy isn’t worth your love. He’s let you down, time and again. You’ve not let yourself look at the reality because you’ve just focused on his dreamy words. Time for you to step up too. Enough.

My friends in real life think I should see what he has to say... because he might say he definitely doesn't want to be with me anymore and I'd know exactly where I stand. But then like someone said I think I know that already really. I don't want to hang on to false hope. It feels shit.

I agree you need to message him back to say now is not a good time. I’d say that you need time to think about things (which you do) before you can have a conversation with him. Be strong, you can do this. You have lots of support so lean on the people that love you.

I would follow ivykaty's advice. Stop letting him dick you around. You're right Op, he only wants to hear you're "ok" so he doesn't have any guilt for leading you a merry dance.

You cannot salvage this now. Your most sensible bet is to aim for a amicable relationship further down the line so that you can co parent to some degree.

You do know that already. Because he isn’t with you..

He’s put off moving in, pushed it back, moved in for a day then bolted. He couldn’t tell you any more clearly that he doesn’t want to be with you. You’ve just clinging onto the thread of hope for this man who told you he wanted the world with you, but didn’t make any effort to get it when it was right in front of him. Gather up your pride and make the decision yourself.

I remember you OP... I thought he moved in on Boxing Day..and his Dad was moving into his place... either way you need to look after yourself your baby and your kids.. don't let him away with constant text asking if your okay... you are correct.. it's merely a guise to make his shit behaviour excusable.. Ignore all contact now because it has one purpose.. easing his guilty conscience... OP you look after yourself honestly.. and I'm glad you're not giving the baby his name..

I wouldn't meet him or let him lie to you to try and make himself feel like a good person.
He is a shit. You deserve so much more

Hi OP,

Just coming back to say I agree with the posters above - text back

"Now is not a good time for me. I will be in touch after the weekend to give you a time".

The switch off your phone and block him - you can contact him through your mum. You can text him on Monday or Tuesday to agree a time to talk. Meet on neutral ground, with a list to discuss - spend the intervening time making the list.

DO NOT give the baby his name, until the day he marries you (that way as pp said, you give your baby the name of their family - you, your mum, your oldest DC).

Be strong and keep posting OP. You will get through this.

For someone who wants some space he has text a lot, especially considering he said this last night and now has said he wants to talk tonight.

Don't agree to talk to him tonight OP. You're only making yourself available to him at his every whim.

What if he just wants to tell me straight... that he doesn't want to be with me full stop. I think I need to hear that if it's the case.

I'm sorry I'm babbling a bit I'm just so confused and hurt it's clouding my mind so much.

I don't think I'm strong enough to leave it till after the weekend, I really don't. Xxx

@yulelogc

What if he just wants to tell me straight... that he doesn't want to be with me full stop. I think I need to hear that if it's the case.

I'm sorry I'm babbling a bit I'm just so confused and hurt it's clouding my mind so much.

I understand that completely. And it might very well be him wanting to end things with you.

Take this time to think about what it is you want. Gut reaction is going to be that you want him. So take him out the picture, and think what do you want out of a relationship? Focus on you because by the sounds of things it's always been on his terms (having read about these precious threads).

This might be the time for you to take control and ends things yourself because by the sound of it, it's ultimately heading in that direction.

I would see what he has to say but whatever he says staying or going you need to have your own decisions in place so its not all about him. If he says he wants to stay what do you need him to do to make it work, if he goes again what do you need from him regarding the baby. And either way dont give the baby his surname till your married. The baby automatically gets yours in hospital for security sakes. If he is going to bail now make your life easier in case he does again and rename baby when married. And if you decide to put him on birth cert as the Dad he is going to have to get his butt there to do it as your not married

Could it be something financial? Like debt he hasn't told you about and now it's getting close to moving in he's just buried his head in the sand!