Heartbroken, he wants space.

[yulelogc]

Partner of a year, don't live together at the moment but had plans to very soon as I'm pregnant. Things were good I thought then tonight he said he needs space.. but that's it. He won't tell me how much space, or if it means we are together still I have no idea and whenever I ask he just says he doesn't want to hurt me and won't give me a straight answer. I'm heartbroken. I want to know where I stand but also don't want to push. I know I need to give him space but it's so hard 😔 please help me get through this I'm devastated and so confused.

I've got 3 friends that are messaging me, and my mums here with me, and I have on here, I will probably be posting a lot to keep my mind busy sorry if that's pathetic

I would stop any contact and give him a week. Go and stay with close friend/ family for support. Even if he comes back begging how will you be able to trust him not to play this trick again? I would think long and hard if he deserves to come back. The baby will shake things up too. I’m sorry you are in this situation and what a bastard he is to play with your feelings like this.

Are you the same poster who was waiting for this partner to move in and he kept delaying, then finally moved some bits in on Boxing Day? My recollection is that he persuaded you to maintain your pregnancy on the basis that you would have a shared future. So sorry to hear that he has done this. As you say: eat what you can and get as much RL support as possible.

Sounds like he wants to split but doesn’t have the balls to say it.

@MaLarkinn yes I think that too. I wish he would just say it it's cruel.

He’s sending you messages because you’re not messaging him. It’s a good sign - it means the distance is getting to him snd he’s starting to wonder how you’re feeling/what you’re going to do.

DO NOT MESSAGE HIM. I’d block him now. If he wants you, he can bloody well come to your house, not get his little “fix” by tapping his fingers for a few seconds, having blown your future apart.

Get angry. He’s being a DICK. Your anger will serve you now, it’ll harden your backbone, shore up your sassiness and help you not take any crap.

This is really, really bad behaviour from him.

What a fucker. I would give him all the space he wants and end it. Better to do that now than to have someone unreliable and cruel around you in the last few months of pregnancy and in early motherhood.

I get that he may feel stifled but even then, how hard would it have been to have said 'hey, I feel a little overwhelmed, I need a little me time, it's nothing personal but do you mind if I take a weekend away somewhere to centre myself without any interruptions? I'll leave my phone on for emergencies of course'.

Not this 'I need space' mindgame bullshit.

I wish he would just say it it's cruel.

Well, to be honest, he has said it. You’re 33 weeks pregnant and he’s suddenly announced he’s not “ready”. That could easily be enough for you to end things with him. So he has done it. Act like he’s done it. Even if he hasn’t formally and officially said he’s dumping you, his current behaviour should be enough for you to decide you don’t want to be with him now.

Proceed like that. Just silently decide you’ve split up and proceed accordingly.

Don’t text him to tell him he’s dumped as that would only be to jolt him into a reaction. He’s been a duck so he doesn’t deserve to know what you’re thinking, feeling or doing anymore. That’s stuff that only lovely people get access to. He’s no longer on your guest list.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you OP ☕️🧁💐

I think it's quite cruel of him to not explain himself and to leave you in suspense - his comment of 'he doesn't want to hurt you', does make me wonder whether this is his way of trying to gently leave the relationship. In any case he's being really shitty to you. And I expect this will have broken your trust. Also despite saying he doesn't want to, he has already hurt you. And this 'break' may not be something that you recover from quickly even if he does come home.

I don't know what he is thinking or feeling. And I don't know what his next move will be so none of us can help you with dealing with him.

But

My advice would be to focus on you and your kids over the weekend. Do things you all enjoy, make time for you.. watch a box set, have a bubble bath, call up friends and have a good gossip and a laugh... if you have any hobbies, then spend time on them.

Right now your in shock - so In a couple of days, sit down and make a plan for how you will get through the pregnancy and parenting alone. You need to be ready for worst case scenario. And he needs to see that you're not a door mat. You can get by without him.

When he does contact you - let him talk but after he is done, and you know where you stand, don't react. Just tell him you need a few days to reflect before you respond.

Dick, not duck! I think ducks mate for life. Unlike this twat.

Very cruel indeed op.

I would give him the space he’s asked for and then some but that’s easy for me to say.

He's messaged me again, just to say he needs a couple days to sort his head out, he's bottled up his feelings for a long time and he doesn't want to hurt me or himself. So still no answers really and I guess I won't get any till he's good and ready to decide what he wants 😔 so now I really do need to be very strong and leave him to it

Those messages will keep coming. He wants you hanging on until he's fully made up his mind. Its deliberate. Don't fall for it.

Did he arrive and then leave again?

Do not respond to his messages. Every time you feel like texting, write here or have a piece of chocolate or glass of water.

No he never moved in. We had plans to. I'm not going to reply, im going to do whatever it takes to just not reply. It's so hard though. I hate this.

Maybe he just needs space for a short time, like he says. Just give it to him. Don’t assume it means he wants to break up, he might just be feeling overwhelmed and want to get himself together. Give him the space he’s asked for – any attempt to do otherwise will be counterproductive. But as other posters have said, you don’t need to just march to his tune, and you may have your own feelings about someone who is doing this sort of thing at 33 weeks pregnant. When it feels like you don’t have control over the relationship it can feel difficult, but remember that you do – use the time to think about how you feel about things and if you can tolerate wobbles like this at this late stage in things. Are there friends and/or family you can speak to or spend time with?

I will be hard. But its going to be even harder texting and he will get your hopes up and make you feel sorry for him. It won't change anything in the end and you will hurt even more than you do now.

Be strong

My experience of men is that they don’t do hair like this without something pushing them. Does he have much opportunity to cheat?

Stuff not hair. Sorry!

My partner left when I was pregnant so I know how hard it is. Please don't text him. If you can try keep busy today. It might actually be better to block his number so you don't see he's messages for a while. He really really needs to step up to the plate now if he wants things to work. You and the Babu deserve so much better.

No I'm as sure as can be that he hasn't cheated.
I'm trying my absolute hardest not to message him I really am. I have my mum with me, she's been great. The next few days are just going to be very tough 😔

Very sorry his timing could not be worse.

It might just be that he has cold feet about being a Dad again, but it’s a crap thing to do, and cowardly, just to check out like this.

It’s very hard to be kept dangling. He is keeping control of your relationship by making space for himself without giving you any indication of what the parameters of that space are — in being so vague, he has all the power.

Realistically, you cannot just hang around indefinitely while he decides if he wants to be in your relationship. You have a baby on the way and somebody has to make arrangements for that.

I think if I was in your shoes, and I would be in a heap btw, I would still want some control back. I’d send one email saying that you’re incredibly shocked and hurt but you respect his need for space and appreciate that the pressure of a new baby/family life can be hard. HOWEVER since you can’t just opt out of everything, you need know you stand. I’d agree to a few days no communication for him to do his thinking but insist on meeting at the weekend to talk it through.

All strength to you.

How long have you been together?

Hi OP,

I read your other thread and am so sorry this has not worked out.

I think up to now you have given him too much power - that has to end to-day. Get your most "fierce" female friend to come over and help you to become fierce. He does not get to be part of your life now - you take back control to-day.

Keep posting on here.

Make a plan for your baby's birth - who is going to the hospital with you, who is minding your DC etc.

Get someone to mind your DC for the next 2 days and cry. Then move on. This will be hard but OP, you do not have time to feel sad now, you have a baby on the way and he has left - he has left. So you are a single parent and you need to mind the only important people in your life right now - you and the DC.

Please keep posting for support and link to your other post so that people know who he is and realise this is a pattern of behaviour and not a once off. So you stop getting advice to "leave him alone and he will return" - really OP, no woman is worth so little that she needs to give a man space when she is 33 weeks pregnant with his child, and let him decide if he want to be "in or out" - that decision was taken 33 weeks ago.

As the quote on here goes "when someone shows you who they are, take it in".