Heartbroken, he wants space.

[yulelogc]

Partner of a year, don't live together at the moment but had plans to very soon as I'm pregnant. Things were good I thought then tonight he said he needs space.. but that's it. He won't tell me how much space, or if it means we are together still I have no idea and whenever I ask he just says he doesn't want to hurt me and won't give me a straight answer. I'm heartbroken. I want to know where I stand but also don't want to push. I know I need to give him space but it's so hard 😔 please help me get through this I'm devastated and so confused.

@mamaoffourdc

How long have you been together?

OP says a year.

Is this the guy that cocklodged at yours mon-fri, without contributing to bills and food, then saw his DD every weekend? Who promised he would move just before Christmas but took no steps to rent out his house? I’m sorry you are going through this. If it’s the same poster I think you really need to cut your losses, for the sake of you and your baby.

So you have been together for a year and are almost full term, so together 3 monthish before you got pregnant?

Was it planned, how did you know after 3 months.

Perhaps it's all a bit real for him, which isn't an excuse to treat you so bad. But maybe he never wanted all this

@Newwayofthinking pregnancy wasn't planned but He really wanted this baby. I considered abortion because I didn't want another child, he convinced me to go ahead promising me the world.

Yes I'm the other poster, yes I'm bloody pathetic and I know it 😔

Thank you for all being supportive, means so much right now.

Stop believing in this man.
Focus on yourself and your children.

Certainly don't 'give him a few days' because he's gone now, make sure he only does it once. Don't have him back.

I agree withAnna'sgirl you need to start feeling pissed off. He's being selfish, even his messages are all about him and his feelings, he needs space blah blah.

How dare he infiltrate your family home, charm your children and make promises he couldn't make? He's been lying and has more or less admitted that. He's made you fall in love with his facade, he's not the person you thought he was. Did he make any attempts to move in, to book paternity leave from work? No. He's been stringing you along.

You've been independent, you have a nice home and aren't reliant on him financially. You will heal from this and be ok.

It might help to find a quiet moment to write him a letter. Don't send it but pour out everything you want to say to him, how he's let you down, call him all the names under the sun if it makes you feel better.

@SmileyClare I have had bouts of being angry... I am angry, I'm angry that he's promised me and my children so much and then done this. Trouble is the anger soon turns to the fact I really miss him. I miss him so much it hurts so bad 😔

Oh not him and you again! He is taking the piss completely. He has no intention of moving in, he never did.

What do you miss about him? Him sponging off you all week long?

You should be furious - he has not only messed with your head but your children's too. Find your rage.

I had someone do the same to me. He was funny for a week and I couldn't put my finger on it. Then I realised he wanted to leave but was too gutless to say so. "He didn't know what he wanted" and "didn't want to hurt me" etc etc I told him it was extremely unfair on me not to know where I stood in my own house. I told him to pack his crap that weekend and go. I think he thought he'd get a second chance. I don't give second chances. Once I can't trust you, there's no point being together. It was the hardest thing I've done, but it was needed.

Like you it was totally out of the blue. We'd been together 4 years or so and were building a house.

Op have you posted before where you told him if he didn't move in it was over?

Just do not give the baby his name. This guy WILL walk away at some point and you will forever regret it that your baby shares a name with the memory of some skanky twat, instead of your own family/its sibling.

Oh I’m so sorry he’s fucked everything up again. Huge hugs to you. But by now you’ve just got to accept that this is not going to work. He’s been dragging his feet to avoid moving in for ages, now he’s said he’s been bottling his feelings up. He doesn’t want this. It’s upsetting and a nightmare with a baby on the way, but you can’t keep sitting hoping at this point. You’ve done that for ages anyway. It’s time to accept that he’s not what you thought he was and, to a large extent, you’re doing this on your own. Start making your own plans for how you’re going to cope. Arrange things with your mum/friends. Do your upmost not to hang on anymore. He’s not enough, he hasn’t stepped up. Shame he couldn’t have realised this earlier, but hey ho.

Make sure he pays full maintenance for the baby.

Yes @SleepingStandingUp .

I know I need to find my rage, I know I need to be angry. I am fucking angry; I'm angry that when I fell pregnant he begged me to keep it, promises me he wouldn't leave me to do it alone, that he wanted this future with me where we live together and bring the baby up together. He promised to look after my kids, to support them, help me with them. He promised to always be there for me.
He has strung me along for months because he never wanted to move in, and like everyone on here told me he was never going to, he decided to keep it all inside now it's all come out. I'm an idiot. I know I'm an idiot. I should have taken everyone's advice. I am taking all the advice on here now, I've gone no contact, I'm taking time to think about everything myself.

I know he sounds like an asshole, but he was also very loving and well I love him... I can't help that I love him. We had fun together, had plans together and now they've gone. I'm sorry that I sound pathetic.

What an awful person he is to do this to you.
At least you've seen his true colours now.

It's so hard when you love someone, but surely if someone treats you and your unborn baby like this you can see that he is trash?

I’d ignore him until he contacted me
He wants space - give him lots

And Give baby your surname

But absolutely he needs to pay maintenance - do not let him off that hook

Pregnancy wasn't planned but he really wanted this baby

Sadly it turns out he said he wanted it, but with the thought that he could always walk away; it happens all the time with pregnancies so early in a relationship, but I'm extremely sorry it's happened to you too

I'm not sure if you're the poster who'd "given him until Boxing Day to move in" (?) but anyway it's pretty clear that you'll do doing this alone and I wish you only the best with it. Obviously he'll be responsible for supporting your child, but whether he'll actually do this is anyone's guess

I won't be giving the baby his surname if we're not together, and I'll make sure he pays fair maintenance. But right now I need to concentrate on getting through this shitty time. I'm going through waves of feeling angry... then sad.... then I cry... I suppose that's to be expected

You don’t sound pathetic, you sound like someone upset, as you’ve every right to be.

I don’t think that he meant to string you along initially. He sounds like an over romantic fool. You both rushed in, too much too soon, before you properly knew each other. Then a few months later he woke up to reality but it was too late, the baby was well and truly on the way. He’s an immature idiot. He’s made a right mess of this and he knows it. He’s saying he doesn’t want to hurt you etc because he’s feeling bad (quite rightly) and wants you to say it’s ok to make him feel better.

Okay OP.
You are not an idiot. You are not the first woman to trust a lying shit head and you won’t be the last. Cocklodgers get into your head and promise you a life so they can have their cake and eat it.
What I need to remember now is.

1. He’s a liar
2. He doesn’t want this relationship
3. He likely won’t be around to raise your child
4. He expects you to hang on for him like a lost puppy while he pops in and out of your lives and shag when he feel like it.

You need to focus on you and your children. Take him out of the equation of your life for now ( except as a coparent maybe) and just focus on what you want and need and what the kids want/ need. Do not allow him to waltz back when he read loses that you are stronger than he anticipated as that with signal to him that you can be won over. Draw a line under it all today- right now and make a choice for yourself that screams ‘I deserve better’ and move forwards as a single, independent mum. He will need to make some significant changes to his life to get you back as he has gone beyond fucking up and I suspect this change will never come. You are better than this, your kids are better than this, you will have your baby and get through all of this, you are fabulous and brave!!!

U rather not I

Yes that's exactly what I think @Honeyroar. He's only asking if I'm ok ect to make himself feel better. He feels bad and wants me to to tell him it's ok I'm fine... I'm not going to say anything. I've told my friends if he messages them which I bet he will, not to reply, as all he's looking for is justification that I'm ok.

He feels bad and wants me to to tell him it's ok

I wouldn't waste your time with that, OP, since he's unlikely to feel bad for very long. Sadly he's probably already rehearsing a story of you "trapping him", and it won't be long until he treats you as merely an inconvenience

You've said quite openly that you're made some very poor choices and that's true, but going forward you deserve a lot better than this waster and I hope you find it

He only feels bad because he's always said he could never understand how a man leaves his pregnant wife or girlfriend, he's always said it's disgusting to do that, so he is just wanting to feel better about what he's doing. Which isn't fair and he isn't getting it.

You're not an idiot. You've learned a very tough lesson though which is that you cannot trust someone you don't really know and he is not the man you thought he was or pretended to be.

You're not in love with this man, you're in love with the illusion.

The man you think you love manipulated you and your children. He persuaded you to go through with a pregnancy you didn't want. He has lied and lied to you for months on end. He has been sponging off you and literally taking the money you could have spent on your kids.

He is a horrible man.