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Original poster

Heartbroken, he wants space.

751 replies

yulelogc · 30/12/2020 01:04

Partner of a year, don't live together at the moment but had plans to very soon as I'm pregnant. Things were good I thought then tonight he said he needs space.. but that's it. He won't tell me how much space, or if it means we are together still I have no idea and whenever I ask he just says he doesn't want to hurt me and won't give me a straight answer. I'm heartbroken. I want to know where I stand but also don't want to push. I know I need to give him space but it's so hard 😔 please help me get through this I'm devastated and so confused.

OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 30/12/2020 07:52

Op this is terrible. Please try and look after yourself as the stress will not be good for you or the baby.

I’m sorry to say this but I would try and find out if he really was where he said he was the night before he your told you. Seems odd that everything was great until then.

It could be nerves getting the better of him as it’s getting close to your due date. His friend could have said something that made him question the relationship, who knows?

He doesn’t just get to drop a bombshell and walk away. You and your baby deserve better than this. Make sure he knows this.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 30/12/2020 08:07

Sorry OP, this is a shitty situation. I think you should give him a few days without contacting him. But don’t sit worrying about it if you can. Take some control back over the situation. Whether or not he comes back he not be willing or able to provide you all the support you need during the birth and the first week or so afterwards. So ask people who will to help. Could your mum/sister come to the hospital with you if your OH won’t ? Tell them he’s not good with blood or something so you want a back up birth partner if you need a excuse that doesn’t involve talking about his freaking out and disappearing on you. Who will look after your older kids while you’re in labour? Would their dad take them short notice? Their paternal grandparents? A sibling? A close friend? A neighbor? Planning not to have to rely on your OH if he’s being flakey will make you feel more in control.

SmileyClare · 30/12/2020 08:32

I know your head's probably a mess but why have you deleted all means of contacting him? You're having his baby in a few weeks. Together or not, he should be kept informed if there's an emergency or if you've given birth. This isn't a crush or an early romance; he's going to be a feature in your life now, even if that's just as a father to your child.

I agree with the above advice, concentrate on the practicalities for now; approach people (friends, family?) you can rely on to help you through this and start making plans that don't rely on him.

Even if he makes a complete u turn and decides he doesn't "need space", he's destroyed the confidence you had in him, and left you completely confused and insecure. That's difficult to come back from, he'll have to gradually earn your trust back.

Original poster
yulelogc · 30/12/2020 09:39

I thought I could rely on him for anything. I never in a million years thought he would do this. I haven't heard from him and don't expect to. I hardly slept, I feel like my world has been turned upside down.

I have my mum, and friends that are good support. I have deleted his number so I'm not tempted to text him but my mum has it if I needed it.

I feel like he's being cruel. He was off with me all day yesterday, then rang and just said "I'm sorry but I need space, I'm staying at a friends" it's true he is. I asked why, he said because things are going too fast he doesn't want to live with me he doesn't want all this. He wouldn't say if he didn't want to be with me, said he didn't know and has avoided the question since. He messaged me last night saying "I don't want to hurt you" so I just said if he doesn't want to be with me he needs to say so... I've had no reply and I know he will be up for work by now. I'm going to struggle so much today. It hurts.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 30/12/2020 09:41

What age are your older children? Do you think he’s got cold feet about becoming a step father?

SmileyClare · 30/12/2020 09:45

God I'm so sorry. Of course you're hurting. I'm glad you have your mum and friends to lean on.

I think in time you'll find your anger. I mean the way he's dealt with this is pretty immature and cruel. He's been telling you what you want to hear but now life is getting real, he wants to scuttle away and hide from his responsibilities. He's not the man you thought he was.

None of this is your fault. Take care of yourself and start putting you and your baby's needs first. Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2020 09:48

Why’s he staying at a friend if he usually lives at his own place? Do you know who this friend is?

WouldBeGood · 30/12/2020 09:55

Oh, @yulelogc this is horrible. What an awful thing to do.

It’s really likely he’s been unfaithful I’d say. I agree with others, don’t contact him. Post on here instead. Tell a friend or relative so you have real life support, don’t worry about trying to protect him from the opinions of others.

Look after yourself. Make sure you eat and drink and rest, even if you don’t feel like it. Eat anything you fancy.

Plan for him not returning so that you know you can cope in that situation. I know how hard it is. 💐

Original poster
yulelogc · 30/12/2020 09:55

They are aged between 5 and 12. He got on with my kids well, he always said he wished they were his. They love him too.
I don't know why he's staying at a friends that's just what he said.

I don't understand any of this. I feel physically ill, I can't stop crying

OP posts:
C0NNIE · 30/12/2020 09:56

I’m really sorry to say this , but every single time I’ve heard of a man saying this, there’s always been another woman. It might take days or even week to come out but it always does.

He’s an absolute shit to do this to you when you are heavily pregnant - 33 weeks ago was the time for him to decide if he was committed to you, not now. It’s also really telling that he’s not even moved in with you yet.

I think you need to prepare to have this baby alone. I’m glad to hear you have family support and hope you can line up childcare and get back to work pretty soon after baby is born. Unless you are well off and can afford a long maternity leave and the effect this will have on your career / pension / promotion of course. But most single mums of 3 plus kids are not rich.

Also I’d not be letting him have my child every weekend. So you have to pay for all the childcare and he gets all the fun bits of parenting ? No thanks.

WouldBeGood · 30/12/2020 09:57

Oh, and ring your GP, they might be able to give you something to calm you, don’t know though with the pregnancy.

3u33y · 30/12/2020 09:58

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why’s he staying at a friend if he usually lives at his own place? Do you know who this friend is?
This! He has his own place, does he not? So why does he need to stay ‘at a friends’. Are you 💯 sure he hasn’t been tempted by someone else? It is very radical to be all into you, planning to move in and be a family and then suddenly this. I agree not to call him, and don’t reply when he messages you stuff like ‘I don’t want to hurt you’. Unless he is contacting you with a definitive plan/ moving forwards I would have any contact with him until you need to regarding baby. He sounds immature, selfish and irresponsible.
Whatwouldscullydo · 30/12/2020 10:03

But you don't live together ? How much more space does he want?

It wasn't moving to fast 33 weeks ago when he agreed to try fir a baby 🤔

And yes why is he at a friend's house?

Sorry op hes being a coward and he doesn't want to have to say he broke up with his pregnant girlfriend so he's stalling...

You deserve better op Flowers I'm.glad you have friends and family.

Original poster
yulelogc · 30/12/2020 10:04

I'm really struggling to understand why he is doing this. Even when we would argue, he was always loving still, always made sure I was ok. It's like now he just doesn't care. He's gone from telling me I'm his world, he wants to marry me soon to nothing. He's just messaged me saying I hope you're ok. That just makes it worse. Why send me that, he knows I'm not ok

OP posts:
Original poster
yulelogc · 30/12/2020 10:09

He's definitely at his friends, he's a relative, I know that's where he's stayed. It he has met someone else I'd be very surprised but then this has surprised me so who knows.

My kids have all just got out of bed, and I have no idea where I'm getting the strength to get through the day

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 30/12/2020 10:10

I would give it a day and then demand some answers from him. He owes it you you to tell you exactly what he's feeling and what he intends to do. He needs to man up, met you face to face and discuss this like adults instead of hiding behind meaningless texts.

I think it will help you to take back some control. He's left you in limbo at the moment and you deserve better. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Flowers

Original poster
yulelogc · 30/12/2020 10:14

He has his son tomorrow so if I say then he needs to talk to me face to face he will say no obviously, he will have his son then till Monday, so I'd have to wait till then for answers which is just torture

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 30/12/2020 10:18

He just wants you to say you’re ok so he doesn’t need to feel like the bad guy. Do not reply. Do not arrange to meet him. Enlist real life support. Let your DCs watch tv/screen time/ whatever keeps them amused.

Start detaching in your head. He’s not your friend or on your side. I know exactly how hard that is but it’s true and the only way. I wish I’d listened to all the advice I got on here sooner.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2020 10:19

Did you post recently that he was going to move in but kept stalling?

clipclop2 · 30/12/2020 10:21

What an awful thing to do to you! I wouldn't respond to his text. He will know full well that you are not ok but keep him wondering about you. Be a little unavailable and take this time to think about whether you want him in your life. If he wobbles now, would he do it again? Maybe not being able to speak to him until Monday is a good thing as it will actually give you some headspace to think about it all. Wishing you all the best Daffodil

SmileyClare · 30/12/2020 10:23

You can arrange a face to face with him on Monday and tell him he needs to have made a decision on what exactly he wants by then. Don't leave the ball in his court completely, think hard about what you want, do you want to carry on being treated like this? Do you want to be with someone when you can't trust what he says and he's so non committal about a future? He doesn't get to call all the shots.

Words are cheap, so judge him on his actions. Has he actually taken any steps to facilitate moving in together or made any plans or was he just sweet talking.

Try to stay strong, I know it's very hard.

Nomoresleeps · 30/12/2020 10:26

I agree it’s odd about the ‘friend.’ Why would he do that if he has his own place?

Your story does sound familiar. Was he supposed to move in over Christmas but you didn’t think he wanted to?

AmywithanL · 30/12/2020 10:32

Stay strong love. Dont respond to him....hes just ‘dangling a carrot’ so to speak with that are you ok message.
I know its going to be a bloody tough day today, but keep busy so your mind is elsewhere for a few minutes at a time...focus on something mundane like your breathing, or steps you take, if you feel your mind wondering take it back to your breathing ect...your mind will wonder of course, but just keep sending it back to the breathing...

Holliej · 30/12/2020 10:32

I’m so sorry OP. I wouldn’t personally respond to his message this morning. Of course your not okay and he’s done it to make him self feel less guilty. Try concentrate on your DC and pregnancy today. Look after yourself and lean on your mum/friends as much as you need to. We are all here for you too. Xx

Original poster
yulelogc · 30/12/2020 10:35

I'm eating some toast and having some tea, really don't feel like it but I know I need to.

My heart hurts so much.

OP posts:
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