Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

As others have said, you need to look after yourself. Put your own mental health and well being first because he sure as hell isn't.

Hopefully having some space away from him next week will help give you some clarity.

I'm struggling to believe he went back to the woman's house and didn't have sex tbh.....

What my issue is even if it is mental health issues, the way it is impacting me is coming out as a form of psychological torture.

You are very wise @Whatdirection.
I think we, as women, are primed in putting our needs second and the needs of others first, whatever the cost.
I’ve made that mistake. Yes it’s awful but he has it’s not his fault. I married him in sickness and in health.... I accepted too much and as a result he took no responsibility for his behaviour and the effect it had on me.
I think it’s different when you have a diagnosis (eg the false memories in your case) and the person in question actually takes responsibility for it.

I now think there is also a time when it’s still ok to say enough is enough. And to protect yourself first and foremost.

I'm struggling to believe he went back to the woman's house and didn't have sex

I imagine most of us are, Sandy, and "it was only a kiss and I walked away disgusted" is such a classic it's hardly worth listening to

However for OP it seems to be just one more thing in a catalogue of unhappiness. As she said herself it might have been overcome if the marriage was fine overall, but that isn't the case

Who doesn't remember two women offering themselves to you.
Speaks volumes- either it happened, or he us wishing so hard it happened that he can't decipher what is real vs what is fake.
Yuk

So, he feels so guilty over things that he can't remember that he had to confess to you after so long?
Why is he feeling guilty if he doesn't remember?
On the otherhand, if he DOES remember, he is just drip feeding you bit by bit.

It doesn't sound like it was a happy marriage anyhow.

Use the time away for work, don't contact him when away at all, and see what it's like as a mini separation.

OP you are now his Priest... he comes to you for confession... clears HIS conscience.. and off he pops free and easy.... not giving a shit at he pain and distress he leaves with you..

Wow that's some yarn he's spun there op. I'm so sorry

@CandyLeBonBon

Wow that's some yarn he's spun there op. I'm so sorry

totally.. it's like Jack-a-nory on a dripping tap... he's not sorry .. he's not even remorseful.. he's rubbing OP's face in it and enjoying it...

@Whatdirection

I think you need to drop the I can’t get past it angle.
Are you generally happy?

If so I would accept this apology and confession and focus on something else together.

Why not try a mew thing together?

We had a very tense day yesterday after my walk. At one point he tried to initiate a conversation around the ‘threesome’ revelation.

He said it must of been so hard for me to hear it but the book he is reading says how important it is to have complete honesty so that’s why he told me. He sounded quite aggrieved. I brought up the fact he wasn’t sure it really happened and then he started to say he did remember after all....at that point l shut down the conversation saying l didn’t want to hear and wasn’t prepared to discuss it anymore.

So it’s gone from THE DRINK MADE ME DO IT to MY THOUGHTS MADE ME DO IT to THE BOOK MADE ME DO IT!!!!

I can now see that l have tried very hard to manage this situation by trying to guide him in the right direction. I have given him endless feedback and a book to read. But it still blows up in my face fundamentally because of the way his brain works. I need to stop.

Looking back, whenever we had disagreements in the past, he could often be impossible to reason with. He would misremember things, shift blame, be very illogical. But the events surrounding the disagreements never seemed major enough to be considered a dealbreaker.

Makes me think that someone who is difficult in the little things will be difficult in the big things. He is being completely himself - totally true to form - l recognise his behaviour in all this even if these revelations are totally bizarre.

Also he wants to continue with crap counsellor on his own. He asked me what l thought of this. I said it’s completely up to him who he has but does he really want someone who’s a bit rubbish? I have already made contact with a couple of others and one is phoning me on Tuesday.

I am going to spend the next few days to plan. When l go for my break l am going to take all important stuff with me. I think l will need longer than three days to clear my head.

He sounds like a manipulative, narcissistic, gaslighting fucker op and I'm afraid that now the scaLes are falling there's no going back. This is who he is.

Death by a thousand cuts over the course of your marriage with his behaviours. It’s hard when all of the “minor” things feel too petty to call individually - but it’s the consolidation of each and the pattern which builds layer on layer of burden. Take time to reflect on all you have endured. Write out a list and consider how you feel about it. And how much more of it you can actually stomach. He seems to be getting worse not better. Even if this was a figment of his imagination you can still consider if the RS is still viable for you in the long term. You don’t need permission or a big reveal. You can calmly and peacefully decide you are not compatible for the next chapter in your life and you can move on.

You can decide how much of this rabbit hole neurosis / infidelity revelation you want to expose your own emotional health to and why.

It all seems very staged and controlled from his side OP. It appears he knows exactly what happened but is choosing to painfully and cruelly drip feed more acts of deceit. Of course he wants to continue seeing the shit counsellor, she told him what he wanted to hear and appeased him... fuelled his beliefs of alcohol making him cheat.

He's going to really fuck your head up before long. I'm glad you have a break coming up. 💐

the disagreements never seemed major enough to be considered a dealbreaker

They often don't at the time, but I agree with Sssloou that it's the cumulative effect that does it
I also agree that this seems no "accident" and that there's a lot of attempted control/mindgames going on - hardly the behaviour of a loving husband and not something I could personally live with

As said, the break will do you nothing but good, and I suspect a lot of things will become clearer as a result

I can now see that l have tried very hard to manage this situation by trying to guide him in the right direction. I have given him endless feedback and a book to read. But it still blows up in my face fundamentally because of the way his brain works. I need to stop.

Gosh I see it as pretty much the opposite. For whatever reason, he's decided to initiate all this, and has since then strained with every sinew to have you swallow the narrative he's trying very hard to play out - innocent man who made a mistake and is now being a super excellent husband who is so honest it practically hurts! - even when he doesn't really remember something he will tell you honestly, just in case! - wow isn't he actually an Even Better Husband than one who had never had such human failings! - but... you haven't swallowed it in silence, you've asked awkward questions... and surprise surprise, everything has immediately unravelled because guess what, it's all a pack of absolute lies and the very simple explanation is that he's a cheat and always pretty much has been.

Just one question to answer. Why has he done this? I think you will probably find out when your split becomes public.

Thank you Yoni. I have found your posts so perceptive. Very interesting to read your take on it.

Sometimes l think l have done a very good job of gaslighting myself.

I guess despite the mounting evidence l still want to try and give him some benefit of the doubt. It’s hard to face an unpalatable reality.
He’s still the boys’ Dad. I am dreading telling them. My youngest is struggling as a student during the pandemic and will take it pretty badly. Funnily enough my oldest l think will not be surprised.

As an adult the fact my parents hated each other was really difficult. They split when l was at uni but certain occasions like wedding and christenings were fraught. I don’t want my boys to have that conflict so desperately want to keep things amiable.

I can now see that l have tried very hard to manage this situation by trying to guide him in the right direction. I have given him endless feedback and a book to read. But it still blows up in my face fundamentally because of the way his brain works. I need to stop
Looking back, whenever we had disagreements in the past, he could often be impossible to reason with. He would misremember things, shift blame, be very illogical. But the events surrounding the disagreements never seemed major enough to be considered a dealbreaker
Makes me think that someone who is difficult in the little things will be difficult in the big things. He is being completely himself - totally true to form - l recognise his behaviour in all this even if these revelations are totally bizarre

My husband was very like this. Just give up. You'll never get through.
You will always have to submit to his script. This is all about him, you are playing a part as a side actor to his supporting role.
If you can afford to leave, do.

God, he just sounds like an insufferable nob

You don't have to live like this.

How old is he OP?

Any possibility of senility creeping in?

@HotSince63

I would be suspicious of the need to unburden himself now, like why now?

I would be not at all surprised if a (now adult) child of one of these 'minor dalliances' turns up.

Came on to say Just this .

It’s beginning to feel like a bad porn movie.
This new thing really is very unlikely/odd. I would wonder if suggestionsplease1 is onto something there. It is possible that none of this stuff is true - that he has, for example, watched a porno or read some cheap fiction and his OCD guilt complex has tricked him into thinking it was real. The more details you ask for, the more real it would seem:

"The memories may be vague or hazy at first, but as the individual grapples with it more, he or she will likely find that things start to sharpen and details begin to appear in their memory; of course, these details are false, but they don’t seem false to the person remembering them." positivepsychology.com/intrusive-thoughts/#false-intrusive-thoughts

You could even try introducing a new element or two of your own to the story and seeing if he integrates it as something real. Without telling him what you are doing, obviously.

If you think this is likely, his next stop should be the GP. Medication would likely help him work out whether the memories are real.
He's pretty much fucked things up with you, though; however kind and understanding you may or may not be, you can't trust him even if it is his brain playing tricks on him. You would need to distinguish between supporting and enabling him. If you put up with this mindfuckery, he won't need to sort it out - he'll be able to continue merrily on his way without sorting it out or seeing a GP. That's enabling him. If it really is his OCD, then telling him to fuck off, so that he is forced to sort himself out, might be one way of supporting him.

@ravenmum

It’s beginning to feel like a bad porn movie. This new thing really is very unlikely/odd. I would wonder if suggestionsplease1 is onto something there. It is possible that none of this stuff is true - that he has, for example, watched a porno or read some cheap fiction and his OCD guilt complex has tricked him into thinking it was real. The more details you ask for, the more real it would seem:

"The memories may be vague or hazy at first, but as the individual grapples with it more, he or she will likely find that things start to sharpen and details begin to appear in their memory; of course, these details are false, but they don’t seem false to the person remembering them." positivepsychology.com/intrusive-thoughts/#false-intrusive-thoughts

You could even try introducing a new element or two of your own to the story and seeing if he integrates it as something real. Without telling him what you are doing, obviously.

If you think this is likely, his next stop should be the GP. Medication would likely help him work out whether the memories are real.
He's pretty much fucked things up with you, though; however kind and understanding you may or may not be, you can't trust him even if it is his brain playing tricks on him. You would need to distinguish between supporting and enabling him. If you put up with this mindfuckery, he won't need to sort it out - he'll be able to continue merrily on his way without sorting it out or seeing a GP. That's enabling him. If it really is his OCD, then telling him to fuck off, so that he is forced to sort himself out, might be one way of supporting him.

You know thinking about this... In RL I have a step-cousin who has MH problems. She actually 'confessed' to having convictions for prostitution, a few years prior. My family being nosey looked for evidence online of the conviction. Not trace was ever found. She is into some unusual sexual kinks, and maybe this was part of it, who knows. She actually is a very damaged person, having had a horrendous upbringing, and I doubt at this stage, in her 50's she will be able to repair any more damage than she has already. So although it sounds an unlikely explanation, it is not beyond the realm of possibility in my limited personal experience.

Why not try a mew thing together?

Like what ?