Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

How weird. Is he expecting praise for reading the book you gave him like a good little boy, and suddenly remembering a potential threesome?
Only you know what you want, but I would say the scales have well and truly fallen from your eyes now.
I think a lot of women unfortunately have to sacrifice so much of themselves to make a marriage work, men don't even realise it, they think it's their hard work. You mentioned earlier, the constant feeling of treading on eggshells. You've probably been moderating your behaviour to appease him without even realising it.

Yes Suggestions l did read up a bit on false memory OCD and thank you so much for alerting me to this. Despite everything l do think I have to consider this. The reason l haven’t passed it on to him is because l’m worried he might use it as an excuse.

The fact that his story is starting to change is really worrying me. The fact that he knowingly held back stuff to paint himself in a better light makes me realise l cannot trust a word he says.

It’s the weirdness of everything that is really getting to me. I mean why would you half remember that conversation about the threesome and then think it’s ok to relay if nothing happened.

He said the book he is reading goes on about honesty which is why he felt he needed to share.

But it's still all about him: his guilt, his honesty, his confessions, his self pity.... What about you?
What is he actually doing to help you?
Because it's not what people say, it's what they do.
Actions not words
It's still all about him (and I'll bet your whole marriage has been all about him too)

I'd have a hard time living with his hypocrisy. 'Moral' people, who behave worse than others whilst criticizing others, become intensely annoying.
He's even worse for drip feeding more, it's getting weird now. If he is worried that the marriage may not survive existing revelations, why say more and risk putting the nail in the coffin? His behaviour currently doesn't make sense, I'd say this is either a MH issue he has or his way of being abusive to you by sticking the knife in.
Either way, it's your choice as to whether you want to get past it or not. Not only based on how the marriage has been in other areas, but also based on how the future will be with him against how you see and feel about a future being without him.
It comes down to happier with or without him going forward.

@Songsofexperience

Alcohol changes your behaviour not your morals. If you do something drunk, you've probably considered it sober.

I second that quote.
I was discussing an incident involving alcohol with my dad (who's French). He pointed out that in France being drunk is not considered a mitigating circumstance in a court of law; it's considered an aggravating one. I think they have a point.

This is how it should be! We all know that whatever our flaws or failings, alcohol makes things worse not better. How on earth can being drunk ever be a defense!

@Biscuitsanddoombar

He can get to fuck with feeding you his sexual fantasies. Two young scandanavian students who both wanted to have sex with him and he heroically refused - aye right!! It’s a load of bollocks - both the situation which id bet my house never happened & his attempting to position it as some traumatic event

yeh, he is getting off on half-remembering this..... but 100% telling his wife.

Hi OP, I am sorry he has dumped this on you and that he cheated. I think you are handling it well.

I was also going to make sure you knew about these features of OCD, because it might be relevant (who knows? I’m certainly not saying he hasn’t cheated). People I have treated with OCD, and my friend who has OCD often believe their thoughts are real - so they ‘remember’ making a racist statement to someone, or being sexually inappropriate. It’s hard to disprove a memory, but sometimes carers are able to say that it definitely didn’t happen, or it’s just so incongruous or unlikely. But the OCD sufferer is more preoccupied with ‘not transgressing’ (relevant because a catholic might tend to Have this kind of outlook) and so they would ‘rather be safe than sorry’ and feel the need to confess or unburden themselves repeatedly for reassurance. My friend every 3 years or so becomes preoccupied with three incidents that occurred in the past and ‘has to tell me’ because she has never told anyone (except she has told me three times before and I suspect all her family members) - she’s very poorly at these times. So I would say there are some indicators that this could possibly be what’s going on here. Maybe he kissed someone, or maybe he thought about kissing someone and has convinced himself he did? The more you try not to think about intrusive thoughts, the more they occur, making the sufferer ‘feel they are bad’. I don’t know how you would figure out if it’s this going on or not, but you might spot signs as it develops. I wonder if you should temporarily dump the counsellor and speak to his GP together about getting his OCD assessed. (Or not if you don’t want anything to do with him anyway, which is fine too).

Honesty and needing to share is such a key feature of OCD. It’s a baffling illness.

He doesn't seem able to accept what he has done without making excuses.

He needs to accept his behaviour.

But you need to be able to believe him. He can't even be honest about what has happened so how can you ever believe his story?

@ScrapThatThen

Honesty and needing to share is such a key feature of OCD. It’s a baffling illness.

But 25 years later? The OCD sounds like a red herring, and will be used as an excuse. Don't tie yourself in knots to explain his behaviour. Concentrate on you. It's just you're so conditioned to putting him first that you can't help it.

I wonder if he has realised he is at an age where he will never get to gave these experiences, so is getting a cheap thrill through living them out through you.

You mentioned he is a cyclist. I'm a runner. Both sports are similar in that you meet a large number if people through training that you wouldn't normally meet. These sort of older men who use the sport to flirt are notorious. It's quite possible that a polite social conversation with a younger woman he has been training with has kicked off this fantasy nonsense.

I would suggest you step back from this. Maybe with a new counsellor and consider:

Do you want to grow old with him?

If not then there is no shame in ending this relationship.

He has these indiscretions which he chose to repeatedly engage in and now he has passed the burden of them on to you. You have every right to feel hurt, angry and confused especially as he says the first one occurred shortly after you gave birth. What a massive betrayal. Also it was not a one off but something he must have enjoyed and went to seek out again. He is treating you like a fool. What man goes into a women's bedroom just to kiss? I also wonder why he has told you now? Could the woman have threated to tell you herself? Could there be a secret child? I would be going through all finances over the years with a fine tooth comb to look for evidence of him making secret payments. Is it possible he has now stopped making payments and the mother demanding he continues? I would tell him you wont be lied to any more. He must finally show you some respect and tell you the truth/everything. A good friend of my cousine had something similar happen to her. She thought she had a good marriage and they had 2 DC. Her DH asked her to go on a weekend break about 3 years ago now. Once there he told her he had to tell her something. He confessed to fathering a child with another woman 23 years before. He said he was too scared to tell his wife as he knew she would leave him. He said he paid the mother of child maintenance and extra to keep quiet. The child never saw his Dad. Child grew up and went to Uni and he kept paying. After the child (son) left uni he still paid for almost 2 more years until he left home. Then he stopped paying the mother. She basically blackmailed him into paying or she threatened to tell his wife. He told his wife to stop being blackmailed by the mother of his secret child. He no longer pays the mother and his wife asked him to leave the marital home while she processed it all. She was like you upset, angry and heartbroken. She went for counseling alone. After about 4 months she decided she missed her DH and rang him to talk it through. She set out ground rules which seemed to be sometimes she might need to talk about it all and he was never to cut her off. She agreed he could move back into marital home. She says she feels differently about him now but still loves him. They went to see mother of child together and told her there would be no more money for her. He did agree to give the child some money but directly and not through the mother. He and wife have now met child together and paid child £5k to start off independent life. She told my cousine they have child's contact details but it is unlikely they will meet again as child does not want further contact. My cousine says they still seem happy enough together. Their own children were told and know they have a half sibling out there. I just wonder if there is more to your DH confession than he is admitting. 23-25 years seems to be how long a man might pay in these circumstances. You need counseling alone to help you process information.

I think in his case OCD probably stands for OCCASIONAL CUNTY DRUNKENNESS!!
What a horrible little man he is!
I would also lay money on there being more to his stories than kisses.
Im so sorry you're having to deal with this.
I agree with other posters, ditch the counsellor, they sound like they got their qualification from a cereal packet 🙄.

I'm afraid he's lost in his own world, unable to consider what impact this is having on you.

At best I'd offer him a 'get to counselling, don't come back until you've worked out what's going on. Then I'll consider if I still want a relationship with you.'

@Whatdirection

Yes Suggestions l did read up a bit on false memory OCD and thank you so much for alerting me to this. Despite everything l do think I have to consider this. The reason l haven’t passed it on to him is because l’m worried he might use it as an excuse.

The fact that his story is starting to change is really worrying me. The fact that he knowingly held back stuff to paint himself in a better light makes me realise l cannot trust a word he says.

Just to also note that reassurance seeking is a big part of this illness and may explain why he is constantly going on about it to you. (Again, IF it is OCD at work!)

Just like compulsions of hand-washing etc are attempts to relieve the distress of obsessive thoughts about hygiene, so can confessions be attempts to relieve the distress felt regarding false memories

impulsetherapy.com/a-look-into-false-memory-ocd/

Hey I have not read all of the comments but I have suffered from intrusive thoughts it makes you believe you are the worst person in the world and can be incredibly difficult to talk about. Without a doubt the worst time in my life. Which is probably why he has told all this now. Due to the increased pressure he is feeling from these thoughts.

It’s the weirdness of everything that is really getting to me. I mean why would you half remember that conversation about the threesome and then think it’s ok to relay if nothing happened.

Because he is a total liar and a cheat - he's shagged around, intermittently, and he is never going to come out and say that.

You don't have the reason why, yet. Why he's started telling you stuff, I mean. It could be that he genuinely has had some kind of guilt epiphany.... it's far more likely that someone's threatened to dob him in, or he fears he's been seen, or some/one of his previous shags has turned up in his life again. It's clearly, clearly damage limitation and there WILL be a reason for it.

But the way he's doing it - the reason for that is 100% clear. He's cheated repeatedly, has had sex with other people and maybe affairs. He cannot ever and will not ever come clean about that, he knows you'll leave and he will be The Cheat. Nope, that's not happening. So it's the half-truth 'I did not have sex with that woman' 'Oh I can#t quite remember' bullshit... which ends with, he has 'confessed' to you so all should be ok, BUT he's not actually told you the details that would blow everything out of the water.

His plan is for all of it to die down, and you to forget and forgive because, hey, he's not told you anything you can jusitfy leaving with, right? Then, in a years' time, when/if anything blows up, he can look hurt and pained and say 'I told you everythign I remembered at the time... I chose to tell you, remember? If I'd really done anything wrong, don't you think I would have kept it quiet?'

He can't confess because you'd leave. So he's hoping that spinning a confusing web of half-truths is going to be enough to count as being honest with you, whilst not dropping him in enough shit to end up divorced. It's so common in every affair discovery.

Leave him.

@Candleabra

But it's still all about him: his guilt, his honesty, his confessions, his self pity.... What about you? What is he actually doing to help you? Because it's not what people say, it's what they do. Actions not words It's still all about him (and I'll bet your whole marriage has been all about him too)

You're right. He's a narcissist and making it all about him to gain pity.

From Yoniandguy
Smile and sweetly tell him you think you’ll be better apart and you certainly wouldn’t want a lovely, upstanding man like him who definitely isn’t that kind of man to spend the rest of his life feeling tortured by an unhappy wife who can never be sure she has the full story. No really darling, it’s for the best. Perhaps you can find a new lady to start afresh with. I’ve already sorted the divorce papers, here you are- right, out you go!
Please do this

Thanks you all your your replies. Purple - your definition of OCD gave me a real belly laugh:-)

Suggestions- he has always needed reassurance to the point of drinking me MAD. So that does fit.

What my issue is even if it is mental health issues, the way it is impacting me is coming out as a form of psychological torture.

I met a friend for a walk. She is having relationship difficulties as well. It’s weird l hadn’t seen her for a while but we both admitted it at the same time and burst out crying at the same time. Two middle aged women crying on a park bench together ( although still maintaining social distancing) must have been a sight to see for any passer by.

I think Pickle your ultimatum is where l am heading. I think he needs to get help but l don’t want to be around him while he does. Right now l don’t feel l will ever be ok with what has happened and the best to hope for is an amiable split.

I’m resisting the urge to ask him to leave right now. I am staying somewhere else next week for work and it actually looks like it could be a bit of a bolt hole for me. I am going to see what it is like when l get there. I might well extend my time there and then give him a couple of weeks to sort himself out and move out.

Thank you all so much for your support, the gallows humour, the advice, the everything xxxx

Even if it is mental health issues, the way it is impacting me is coming out as a form of psychological torture

Given the MN thing of pathologising everything I'd caution against assumptions of OCD, but as you rightly recognise it doesn't actually matter - what does count is the effect this has on someone who, quite frankly, seems to have already carried too much

Sadly the ongoing dripfeed was utterly predictable, and two things are very clear: first that there's a lot more than you know, and second that you're unlikely ever to know all of it because he just isn't honest enough for that

So all that matters is whether you wish to continue with this, knowing that you no longer believe the marriage is worth the pain. Like everyone else I wish you only the best wish it, and definitely agree that your break of a least a week will be very helpful in making your decision

Well done OP.

I'd agree, you have to look after yourself first and foremost, regardless of whether there is a diagnosable condition at work or not.

I would do whatever you need to do to keep well yourself and perhaps encourage him to speak to his GP. If it is OCD at work there are actually medications that can make a huge difference for some people, in addition to therapies, so he should probably explore those options.