Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

Sounds like you have always had a level of dissatisfaction with the marriage - maybe you were trained as a child to suppress your feelings and needs for others - and you have done it in this RS too and you have now reached capacity. You can’t hold anymore or adapt to his increasingly neurotic needs.

Seems that you are blindsided that you sacrificed so much for him and maybe he hasn’t returned the compliment. So it’s nit equal or mutual.

Would you like there to be more to this story so that you had “permission” to leave?

I would cut out the over thinking - that’s just a diversion from feeling - our thoughts can spin a narrative in any direction.

Let yourself FEEL. Sit back and detach from him for a few weeks. Concentrate on YOUR feelings. Allow them to rise, to ebb and flow - don’t interpret them with thoughts. Just observe and identify what comes up time and again. That’s YOUR truth and where you need to work from.

You are at a turning point in your life (so is he) - so take some time to understand what you really need and don’t need from life.

Don’t make this all about him. Make it about your wants and needs.

I can believe your husband is confused, forgetful, remorseful and as honest as he is able to be.

But...

He doesn't take responsibility for his own emotions and behaviour. That's a significant lack in a mature adult. He has used you as a prop for all these years instead of behaving responsibly and maturing. He doesn't want to deal with the consequences of his old behaviour, or of his recent confessions. He wants you to just sweep away all his bad feelings by forgiving him.

He's clinging on to his image of himself as a good husband, and of you as a satisfied wife. Until he can own up to having been a tolerable husband, and having let you down on significant occasions, then he can't become a good husband.

It's how people behave when the chips are down that matters, and he's repeatedly prioritised himself over you.

I agree with people saying that there’s more to this. He’s got away with this for so long that why even bother mentioning it, especially if it was only a few snogs? I’d be very suspicious.

He's acting like "Mr Moral" to deflect the deceit away from himself. "That's not me." If you really are so honest and have good morals values you don't need to point this out, it's just apparent. It consistently shines through everything you do and everything you say. Usually people who do this have something to hide, or prove.

Your gut instinct is clearly screaming at you that smoke thing isn't right. My gut is always right. However, the last time it told me to run for the fucking hills, I didn't listen. Oh how I'm now paying the price.

*should l ignore this horrible feeling of sirens going off inside me?
*

No, you most definitely shouldn't; it's very clear even by your own account that you've tolerated too much for too long, and now your gut's screaming that something needs to change

May I recommend seeing a solicitor - not to start an instant divorce, but simply to get advice on your options? Personally I found this very liberating, in that among all the angst it helped me to see that I had realistic choices and that there really was a way through

And while not trying to be flippant, the "mournful monk" act would drive me mad ... pure self indulgence, and as ever no empathy for you

I would be expecting a child to pop up some day soon. He has probably received a letter or an email to this effect. I don't believe the hooey about the lockdown bringing it all to the surface. He's preparing you and softening you for something.

I have just had a moment to read everyone’s comments from the last 24 hours and these have given me much to reflect on. Thank you all so much.

I agree l am at capacity and this has tipped me over the edge. In a way l would like permission to leave this relationship.

I think l have been a prop to him all these years. I have had to be the adult so much more than him in all our time together.

Being there when the chips are down. He can do this for me as long as his chips are not down at the same time. Unfortunately there seems to have been too many occasions when his bag of chips are always bigger than mine.

We went for a walk. It struck me how often he moaned and criticised other people. From neighbour’s harmless foibles to people not socially distancing to his cycling buddies not giving him quedos (or however you spell it) on Strava. I have been secretly calling him Victor Meldrew for a while now. This trait has definitely worsened over the years.

When l think of our future the best thing l can think of is that we both enjoy travelling together and exploring new places. We are very compatible in that respect and we do holiday well together. However l feel nervous about becoming more infirm and one of us having to depend on each other for care. I can imagine a situation of being trapped in a house with him either having to pander to his needs even more or being vulnerable to his version of caring for me.

But l agree with Category - there is no rush - l do need to start to take some action but l am going to have my time away first.

I am out of touch with my own needs and what makes me happy. I would like to stop thinking about him and focus on me.

Firecracker- l am so sorry to hear things have not worked out for you. Does it feel impossible to makes changes now?

I would be expecting a child to pop up some day soon. He has probably received a letter or an email to this effect. I don't believe the hooey about the lockdown bringing it all to the surface. He's preparing you and softening you for something.

First, get a different counsellor, one who doesn’t think it’s ok to cheat in your marriage if there’s ‘mitigating circumstances’.

Hell Yeah!!!!

I do agree in a good marriage it might be possible to get over but l guess l am not sure if the marriage is worth it and this may be its breaking point

I think thus using the crux of it really.

He seems to have a different view of your marriage, than you do.

Whilst I don't particularly buy the drunk argument...when women are drunk and have sex we often hear that she wasn't in a position to consent...recognising the effects of alcohol. So if we agree alcohol can have an effect on women to the point they're unable to consent, can we not accept that a man could equally not be in full possession of his faculties as well. Just a thought.

Oh dear. The moral of this story is your guilt is your burden to carry. You do not offload onto the innocent party, because it will blow up in your face. An incident of whatever seriousness that happened many years ago is going to hurt and distress just as much today as 20 years ago.

His minimising is not helping, but if he genuinely did nothing more that kiss random girls, it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, however it is to you and he's not taking that on board.

I would look at the marriage as a whole and get some decent counselling.

It doesn't make any sense to me.

After all the many years of marriage, having children and a full life together, why now?

If it genuinely is what happened, it really should be (rightly or wrongly) a very distant and faint memory to him.

IMHO, it would suggest there is more to it, but you don't know and will always be wondering, whilst he's fine having off-loaded.

@SpineyCrevice

I would be expecting a child to pop up some day soon. He has probably received a letter or an email to this effect. I don't believe the hooey about the lockdown bringing it all to the surface. He's preparing you and softening you for something.

I, too, think this is the likely scenario. He even admits he went into one woman's room and I don't believe it was just a kiss.

I also think he's off-loaded onto you so that he can feel better. No acknowledgement that this all makes you feel awful. He's sleeping better, I bet, while you are struggling.

Your posts suggest he has always used you to prop him up, and I think this is in the same vein; he's expecting you to help him feel better about his "dalliances" so he doesn't see himself as the bad guy.

Your posts suggest you also see yourself as having been there for him, but he's never really reciprocated.

So yes, a new counsellor just for you, who doesn't accept mitigating circumstances, who will help you decide what you want for your future.

And brace yourself, in case there really is a bombshell coming along.

Stop seeing the counsellor, s/he is no good for you. Sweeping this under the carpet is not helpful. Trying to shift the blame for his behaviour to 'mitigating circumstances' (does the counsellor mean you? You are not responsible for his behaviour!) is unacceptable.

I think he's worried someone will tell you something, so he's getting in first with the mildest expression of whatever he was up to. I don't know about a child, but it's possible.

You are right to take time for yourself, to work out what it is you want and need, get some legal advice, plan and then if you decide that's right, leave him to it!

Well l have a bit of a weird update. DH has treated me to another half remembered, ‘not sure if this really happened’ snippet.

He has been reading the book that lovely Mumsnetter Lego recommended and is taking it all very seriously. He told me last night he needed to tell me something else.

On the third occasion when he went out with just one friend, he had told me he went back to the woman’s flat. I had also assumed his friend was with him. However it transpired that he ‘thinks’ the friend went home. This meant he went to the flat alone with the two women. There was kissing with one woman and then apparently the two women said ‘ do you want both of us?’ to which he said ‘yes’ But then he said he came to his senses and left.

Apparently the women were young Scandinavian students. It’s beginning to feel like a bad porn movie.

I felt sick and repulsed by this ......how can l trust a word he says...he still is clinging to the ‘ it might not have happened, l might have just thought it did’

If I’d gone back to a flat with two Scandinavian blokes I would be remembering the event in glorious technicolour. Even years later.

I know you mentioned your husband had been diagnosed with OCD in the past OP. Did you read about the false memories/ confessions side to this that can sometimes be present? These tend to run along the exact same lines as the situations you husband is describing - uncertain recollections of illicit acts. Worth researching I think...it may or may not apply for your situation - god knows how you would ever really be sure!

www.treatmyocd.com/blog/false-memory-ocd-symptoms-causes-and-treatment

He's full of shit. He's playing games and poorly attempting to manipulate you. So his memory was sketchy and now all of a sudden he can recall more. Liar! He's behaving as if he's having flashbacks to a traumatic event.

This may have happened, i presume that it wouldnt have seemed as impossible 25 years ago, but now that he is older and can't behave like this anymore, is the closest thing he get to re-enacting it reliving it by telling you!! 😯
He gets to relive these exciting experiences that could never happen now at yr expense.

What the hell is he thinking?

That you will be grateful he stayed with you when he had all these alleged options???

He's not really learning a lot from his reading if he's still going with the "might not have happened" get-out clause.

And I'm thinking, does he get off on mentally torturing you?

I know he's gaslit you over this issue but does he do that in your life together generally, over other things?

Agree it is weird/unkind/a bit suss to suddenly come out with it now

Oh, right. Next he'll remember they were twins.

How much pleasure is he getting out of this?

Tell him to hold his tongue.

He can get to fuck with feeding you his sexual fantasies. Two young scandanavian students who both wanted to have sex with him and he heroically refused - aye right!! It’s a load of bollocks - both the situation which id bet my house never happened & his attempting to position it as some traumatic event

Ok, you need to leave, I think.

He’s clearly a serial cheat and always has been. This ‘partial remembering’ is just insulting bullshit on top.

Smile and sweetly tell him you think you’ll be better apart and you certainly wouldn’t want a lovely, upstanding man like him who definitely isn’t that kind of man to spend the rest of his life feeling tortured by an unhappy wife who can never be sure she has the full story. No really darling, it’s for the best. Perhaps you can find a new lady to start afresh with. I’ve already sorted the divorce papers, here you are- right, out you go!