Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

Yes Raven, as time has gone by l do see more and more connections between my Dad and DH. There has never been physical or verbal violence or name calling with DH ( my Dad did all of those ) However they both share an ‘anti’ attitude - and both have a a chip on their shoulders. I can feel on eggshells if DH is in a bad mood as he is difficult to deal with and will look for other people to blame often rather than see his part in whatever is upsetting him. Sometimes this can be directed at me or our sons. Our boys, now adult, call him out on his behaviour and he accepts this quite gracefully a lot of the time. He does accept this is a fault of his.

I do wonder if l became so ‘primed’ to appease my Father as a child, forever watchful for his unpredictable moods that any difficult behaviour from DH however small can trigger this reaction. So l am on eggshells when perhaps there is no need. Other women might not be bothered by it.

That’s why my head is such a mess. Is this me reacting to my traumatic childhood? Am l unhappy because any grumpyness puts me on edge?
Can l be happy in any relationship?

@Whatdirection

Yes Raven, as time has gone by l do see more and more connections between my Dad and DH. There has never been physical or verbal violence or name calling with DH ( my Dad did all of those ) However they both share an ‘anti’ attitude - and both have a a chip on their shoulders. I can feel on eggshells if DH is in a bad mood as he is difficult to deal with and will look for other people to blame often rather than see his part in whatever is upsetting him. Sometimes this can be directed at me or our sons. Our boys, now adult, call him out on his behaviour and he accepts this quite gracefully a lot of the time. He does accept this is a fault of his.

I do wonder if l became so ‘primed’ to appease my Father as a child, forever watchful for his unpredictable moods that any difficult behaviour from DH however small can trigger this reaction. So l am on eggshells when perhaps there is no need. Other women might not be bothered by it.

That’s why my head is such a mess. Is this me reacting to my traumatic childhood? Am l unhappy because any grumpyness puts me on edge?
Can l be happy in any relationship?

Can’t be you if your adult DS call him out on his behaviour and he accepts it.

Sounds like he is a slightly better version of you DF - so more acceptable to you from your family of origin normal - but your training to appease allowed you to absorb and tolerate too much of this man. Seems that it has become a burden to you right now - with adult children why sacrifice your own feelings.

OP you think way to deeply into his reasons .. he did these things because he wanted too and because he could.. his religious stance is his shield to distance himself from the fact his can't keep it in his pants... he's a cheater pure and simple 🌺

why can’t he remember the dates?

It was a long time ago and not everyone is good with dates. I can't remember exactly when I met my H... I know the year and can probably put it down to one of 2 months, but we started a relationship after that and I've no idea what month that was in.

We've been married for 21 years now.

I have friend who knows the date they met their DPs and have anniversaries for it....I wouldn't have a clue...so don't place emphasis on it.

If he did remember the date...I'd be more worried it was that memorable fir him tbh.

You could think about getting counselling/therapy for your childhood issues, and see where it takes you?

You don't actually have to make any fast decisions about your marriage. There's no deadline.

I hope he hasn't discovered he has a child. And he has to lead up to that revelation gently.

It feels like your whole relationship has been a lie and I dont think you are overreacting at all. I’d be as horrified and devastated as you are . The thing is really whether you can forgive and move on. From an outsiders view I’m not sure you can?

he has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that

Gosh, the wilful blindness that’s some people have! Repeatedly behaving like that means that of course he is ‘like that’!!!

Poor you. Like a pp said he sounds more and more unpleasant with each update.

At least you've got this thread where it's all now written down. I'm so pleased you've got a nice supportive friend to go for walks with.

Hi Op
Sorry I do feel especially you are having spidery inituition feeling to your husbands indiscretions

You need to listen to your inituition.

Please Ditch that Counsellor !
Find a new better Counsellor A.s.a.p !

A Counsellor is susposed to br Neutral on their Client's personal issues,
Not giving their personal opinions/bias.!
Your Counsellor sounds like she is bias/more supportive of your husband.!
than towards you.

The way Counsellor says "mitigating Circumstances"
sounds like she is a divorce Lawyer or something.!

(Even when someone is drunk people are still aware of their actions.!
Your Counsellor is mimising/playing down his indiscretions towards you.😕

25/27 years ago and no more than kissing. He was an idiot but he was young. God alone knows why he decided to 'confess' this to you now, that is more odd than anything else.

I did more than your husband on a few occasions when I was young and never felt the need to unburden myself, what would be the point? I didn't have sex, just got into a snog. It used to happen all the time to people at office do's, especially when too much drink was taken.

Unless you suspect of something more and recent, let it go.

So we ended up having a big chat last night. I felt so miserable l couldn’t hide it.

In fairness to him, he did his best to just listen for much of the time. And l did rant. Sadly he couldn’t help himself after a while and his excusing re-emerged. One thing he said was ‘ If he hadn’t drunk he would never have behaved like that’ He wanted me to agree with him. I had to very firmly say that wasn’t the issue - he did drink and he did behave like that. I had to repeat that several times. He also tried to deny making excuses. Saying that l had got it wrong, he was clumsily trying to explain himself and IF it had sounded like excuses then that was not his intention!!!! Unbelievable. At another’s point he tried to get me to agree with him that we were on the same page about an issue. I had to tell him no we absolutely were not.

He had the demeanour of a mournful monk. He did apologise sincerely and say he was ashamed of his actions and found it hard to face up to his awful behaviour. Some progress there.

I wrote down all the details of every thing he has done that needed full acknowledgement and sent it to him - he was very quiet when reading it. I also want him to read the book that a kind poster linked me to. He ordered it and said he would.

It struck me at the end of our evening what hard work it was to get him to really see what the issue was. It’s feels like his brain is stuck.

Really not looking forward to seeing in the New Year with him. We are completely alone for the next few days although l do have a walk lined up with about friend on Saturday.

My issue with his story is that he is saying this has eaten him for years, he is feeling so guilty (he had to dump that onto you). But somehow he has managed to hide all that so very well for 20 years.

I would think that either he is an extremely good liar - and what else is he hidding?
Or it’s not such a huge issue, has never been. In that case, why creating such chaos? As a way to control/hide/abuse?

Following from my last post, if it truly was just a few snogs decades ago then who cares, just let it go.

Problem is, I doubt anyone would carry this level of guilt about something so innocuous.

I just can’t let go of the thought that there must be more to it, because honestly who cares about random snogs in the ‘90s?!

"If I hadn't been drunk I wouldn't have [run him over/hit her]" - is that an excuse?

He's had literally decades for his brain to reshape what he did into something excusable, enabling him to live with what he describes as terrible guilt. And before that, no doubt, years of practice at hiding any misdemeanours from his family and himself. It will probably take him a while to see it from your viewpoint, if that is what he wants.

If it's bothered him for decades, he'll be understanding about it potentially bothering you for mere years ... right ...? He can't expect you to dismiss it any faster.

If you don't want to see in the new year with him, then don't. Do something nice instead. Read a book, watch a film on your own, go to bed alone - ask him to give you the night off of his presence.

I don't have any advice, i just came on to say i did similar to your husband early on in my marriage. On a few occasions i got drunk and kissed other guys. I was young and stupid and just enjoying the attention i think. We have been married over 30 years and i have never told him. So for me this wouldn't be a deakbreaker in a good marriage, but if your gut tells you that there is more to this than drunken kisses, he needs to be 100% honest with you and accept the consequences.

It does feel like he has lobbed a hand grenade right into our marriage.

I can’t understand why he confessed. It’s the weirdest strangest thing he has ever done. BUT he has suffered from uncontrollable intrusive thoughts before and that is the only explanation he will give.

However l have had a lifetime of him emotionally offloading on me. I’m afraid l had to do a lot of supporting to my Mum as a child and l grew up as a listener and someone she confided in. I have repeated that behaviour with him and suppressed my own needs. He probably was so used to me being like that that he ‘just couldn’t help himself’ by dumping all over me. He even said once that as l was a very forgiving person, he thought there was a good chance ‘as we had a good marriage’ that l would forgive him. I found that very insulting.

Personally I think you are both over thinking things. I would be inclined to just say, fine - these things happened years and years ago, you regret them, let’s move on. I think it was silly of him to confess them when they are of no consequence to your relationship in the here and now. And I don’t see what benefit you will get from dwelling on them. Focusing on being happy and positive is the way forward.

So Deadringer, why have you not told him and how do you think he might react if you did? I have tried to tell myself to stop overreacting and the whole ‘it was just a kiss’ spiel but l can’t move on. Do you think he would find it as irrelevant as you do?

I do agree in a good marriage it might be possible to get over but l guess l am not sure if the marriage is worth it and this may be its breaking point

I find it difficult to let go of the thought of him going out three times and behaving like a single man when l was at home looking after his child. It was sleazy, reckless behaviour. He would have been the first person to be judgy about snogs at Christmas parties. He has been so Mr Moral about so many things.

Mummadeeze - l may well be overthinking things - l do have form for this:-) l can tie myself up in knots.

However should l ignore this horrible feeling of sirens going off inside me?

This feels like a defining moment in my life. I do think l need to think very very carefully as this is the rest of my life l am thinking about.

Your gut is telling you something. Take time when you're away to listen to it.

I haven't told him because it meant nothing to me, it's a cliche but it's true nontheless. I think he would be upset if i told him now, and tbh i don't think he would want to know. We got together very young, (17), and married at 22. In hindsight i wasn't ready to settle down. Not an excuse but it's done and i have put it behind me.

OP

On the one hand I'm minded to think that it was a very long time ago indeed and therefore is it worth the stress now?

To be clear, your reaction is completely natural and I'm not undermining it at all. I just think the question to answer isn't so much about him, but about what would make you happy.

You have some positive and negative things to say about him. He's broken the trust by doing these things. What is your bottom line, do you see yourself staying with him happily? Or is it the case that you weren't actually that happy even before and these event have crystallised this? And as a result, do you genuinely think you'd be happier without him?

I think that's the question to answer. You sound very focussed on others, not so much on your own happiness and needs. Maybe it's time to flip this around and you'll find out where to go from here.

You need to leave this man OP. You have put his needs and wants before your own for so long you have become a created creature. Your fundamental (lovely) personality rails against this on the most basic level and has done for years. This is clear from the way you describe your interactions with him.

His behaviour since telling you is more battering from him to get you to conform, just accept what he has told you and crack on which is his best case scenario. It's the polar opposite of your best case scenario though and quite rightly.

Not to put too fine a point on it, in your gut you have always known what he's like and this is a step too far even for you to keep refreshing the glue on that sticking plaster!

You need to divorce him and live separately from him. You will blossom as a person. It sounds like he has never taken responsibility for his behaviour. He might back down in the face of your sons but there will be a separate reason for this. Probably that he knows he can BS you but not them. He cares far more about what they think of him than he cares what you think of him because he believes you are tied to him and this gives him latitude.

You only have one life. Get advice. Make a plan.

In your shoes I would not be able to stop fantasising about my life away from him, on my own and no longer responsible for making him feel good about himself. After all that is the only purpose you are there as far as he is concerned. He doesn't even have enough respect for you to see things from your side. Every single thing he says and does is to protect his own position. You need to see him for the arch manipulator that he is. Get far angrier. Use anger as a tool and give yourself a massive present. A divorce. One life.

I have been thinking about his incomplete memories. I don’t get a feeling he is deliberately hiding something BUT l do believe that his memory is not accurate and there could be more stuff he has suppressed/denied. When l asked him for more details on the stag do - he admitted he couldn’t remember what he had done, he just a feeling afterwards that he had done something bad. He was adamant this had not involved having sex. He even said that nothing may have occurred and his memory and thoughts have become distorted and twisted over time so he believes he did something when he didn’t. WTF! What am l supposed to do with that?

Reading this made me think of 'False Memory OCD'...maybe have a read about that in case it rings any bells.

Religion, guilt, mental health difficulties and self-introspection can cause some strange things to happen to the mind at times and false confessions, although generally unlikely, are not absolutely unheard of.