Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

In my experience when a man starts dredging up the past he is doing something wrong in the present.

I'm affraid I wound'nt give him the benefit of the doubt with anything at the moment.

This isn't atonement its a plan.
Be careful.

Thank you everyone.

I have come up with a survival plan to get through lockdown.

I am going to sign up for a monthly yoga pass with my lovely yoga teacher so l will schedule at least two online classes a week.

I am going to commit to running twice a week following the couch 2 5k programme- l have done it before but now out of practice.

I will have a weekly counselling session

Arrange to see a friend once a week for a walk.

Make an effort to phone other friends that l don’t see very often.

Take full advantage of DH while he is in his ‘can’t do enough for you mode’ and timetable weekly cleaning sessions so he does his bit and a cooking/shopping rota.

Read various self help books but avoid anything that focuses on his issues (as l have done enough of that already) and address my needs and what l want.

Plan for the eventuality that once lockdown is over, a separation could be on the cards so to be prepared and organised.

Feeling more positive this morning - we are both back in the house and of course he is full of remorse etc etc etc. It will be interesting to see how long it lasts. I know that there is a probably a limited time scale for him to be in this stage but l have to get through the next couple of months in a damage limitation kind of way.

That is a brilliant plan, Whatdirection :)

Good plan op. Not rtft as it's so long but counsellors should not be making comments like yours did re the 'mitigating circs'. That's dreadful.

I think your husband has been very selfish telling you this after all this time.

Fantastic plan OP,

This will give you a great learning curve of stepping back from the home organising role and focus your mind on YOUR schedule.

Type it out, so that you tick it off every week.

The last thing you want to do is to make ANY decisions that inadvertently make this period of time in the world more challenging for you.

This is not a time to cut off your nose to spite your face!

Suit yourself completely.

I actually think it will be very interesting to see how long his remorse and promises last.

This is a fantastic time to reconnect with yourself, friends and your general wellbeing.

Keep posting.

oh absolutely OP! Sounds good.

If you can't face reading, I find it takes concentration you don't have when you're agitated, get the book on audible and go for a stroll. A brisk walk that I used to do, I now stroll round listening to audibles. I'm actually listening to Russell Brand's addictions right now. It's not really for me, but I like that idea of.......... rock bottom, out of the ashes, here comes a phoenix :-p

So much comfort to be found walking and listening to a good audible.

I've not read anything on mumsnet lately to convince me a relationship could compare !

My next audible is Brene Brown's in the wilderness (I think) and I think that's about being brave enough to put yourself out there and not miss anything that's available for you just out of fear, so this next one will be a good one. Can't wait.

That’s quite a long list of challenges you have set yourself ..... if they all truly soothe and support your emotional state then that’s all good .... only risk I can see (hands up to self projection here) is that if you can’t keep up to this schedule you may see yourself as “less” - maybe to have failed and this might crush your already damaged self esteem. So I would just say don’t be too hard or yourself - you are at a big crossroads in your life.

Also if you are too busy, busy, busy it can distract from the emotional issue that you are trying to process and work through - and also enable you to cope and tolerate even more of it.

It’s all a balance though and I appreciate that you need some survival strategies at this time. Sometimes it’s good to imagine you are inching along a diving board, you are peering over the edge, sometimes withdrawing but one day you will have the confidence (because you will have done the emotional and practical groundwork) to take the plunge with conviction. And many other days before that you can’t contemplate it. Also be ready for being pushed or having to jump when you didn’t plan to.

I think the part about your DH rotas and cleaning may derail, frustrate or confuse you. I assume this is an ongoing issue that you haven’t resolved in decades? It seems that you see his contrition as an opportunity to go head on with this one. My experience is that if it works it wont last but give you a false sense of security. It will also sap (as I am sure it has for decades) your finite emotional energy that you could be spending on yourself.

I would detach emotionally from him in your head - drop the rope - turn your back and attend to explore your needs (I doubt even you know what they are right now).

Pan back from him. Give yourself the space to grow into yourself. I would rearrange the chores and responsibilities so that you were not doing them together and you are not responsible for organising and policing them like a Mum with a truculent teenager - I would arrange it that he does all his stuff and you do all yours - cooking, laundry, shopping etc. You want as little “interaction” with him as possible.

Good plan.

I wonder if it would be possible to have separate bedrooms, just to give yourself some space from him?

Seperate bedrooms and telling him to cook, shop and launder for himself sounds like a fantastic idea from above.

I’m new to mumsnet but my story is extremely similar and I’d like to ask for some advice- is it better to add here or start a new thread? Thank you x

Start your own thread

@youngishmum

I’m new to mumsnet but my story is extremely similar and I’d like to ask for some advice- is it better to add here or start a new thread? Thank you x

Start a new thread @youngishmum, there are many wise posters here who can help

Thank you, I will

Thank you

I have no 'moral' views on cheating. However, I would (like PP) wonder why he suddenly feels the need to tell you now.

I had a few minor and meaningless encounters (not sex) when married to XH. I have never told him, and never will. All they would do is bother him.

His lack of self awareness and eagerness at playing the victim/ saviour is quite pathetic.

Do you want to continue in a relationship where his wants are always the priority?

How are you doing OP? 🌺

Hi Everyone,

Haven’t posted for a while....suddenly felt spooked that somehow he might see this thread or hear about it....l have so appreciated everyone’s thoughts and l’m now really feeling like l need more support.

As everyone anticipated, his good guy image didn’t last long. In fact it lasted 24 hours. Even l was shocked at the brevity of it. He turned the tables on me the very next day...he had his first counselling session and felt very raw so afterwards he accused me of looking for an excuse to get out of the marriage and of betraying him by marrying him when l didn’t want to ( as context during one of our joint counselling sessions l had said that his third betrayal around the time of our marriage was particularly awful as he was the one pushing the idea of marriage - l was less keen due to my parents awful marriage)

I was absolutely devastated by this ‘attack’ from him and got so distressed.

He also decided that we didn’t talk enough and never have done. He told me l had not communicated my needs properly over the course of our marriage. So he has insisted on having weekly ‘chats’ which have always ended with me getting upset as he will use a smoke and mirrors tactic of distracting from the real issue and flipping it round so he pretty much accuses me of the same thing.

In fact things are worse now as he insists he has tried really hard, he has listened, he has done everything l have asked for etc etc. So l have no comeback. He tells me that l misinterpret his actions and words.

He is really struggling with the lack of physical contact - this is ‘torturing him’ and keeping him awake at night.

He has had an on/off sore throat for a while which he blames on ‘what we’re going through’ - subtext - what l am putting him through because l won’t forgive him.

It bothers me when he describes this crisis as ‘us’ ‘we’ as if we are equal partners in all this. I do remind him that what is happening are consequences.

Our youngest son is home at the moment which has been lovely as he cheers me up and makes me laugh.

Counselling is generally good but sometimes l do wish she would give more of an opinion. She is so non blooming judgemental. I sometimes feel l am going mad and it would be good if somehow she could communicate that she does think his behaviour is unreasonable.

In fact DH’s counsellor has told him he would make a good counsellor as he is so objective!!!!!! Sometimes l feel l am living in a completely dystopian world.

It sounds like things have been magnified and amplified. Sounds quite intolerable.

My spidy senses are that he is looking for an out and is goading / provoking you to call it. He doesn’t appear v constructive in any part of his approach.

No counsellor will judge or tell - but they will walk you around the issues so that YOU FEEL and identify your own feelings.

It might take sometime - this is new for you.

Ih my goodness op, you should have come back sooner.
What an awful time it must have been tying yourself in knots trying to make yourself better for this lying manipulating man.

You are being gaslighted, I knew the reason he was telling about old dialliances was to cover something in the present.
He is wnating you to end the relationship, whilst he appears the victim.

First thing get rid of the councillor, he has manipulated her into his narrative, get your own for yourself, no joint councelling.
He is being abusive in his deceitfulness.

I, m sorry but I would forget the self improvement and turn your gaze into finding if there is another woman. Sorry but this sounds so familiar to many women.

The scheming bastard.
x

By the way, you are not going mad, he is sending you mad by trying to change your reality.

Don't fall for it, it is bullshit.
Keep quiet and find out the real reason for him making you jump through hoops.

Oh, you already have separate councillors, he's feeding you bullshit from his anyway, would make a good councilor, I bet.

Did he instigate all this councelling? it's standand cop out material for cheats.

It’s not you. It IS HIM. He is a lying deceitful pos, and I would try very hard not to engage with him and his blame fest. Hopefully you have seen a solicitor (much more useful than a counsellor) who will give you the information that will empower you. Even if you do have to stay and get through lockdown with him, knowing where you stand legally gives you something concrete while you are floundering in the quicksand of his lies, gaslighting and blaming you for all the ills. Read your first post again and find strength in all of us saying no, you’re not going mad - it’s him and his games. Have you read the threads ‘Divorcing Sulking DH ‘ by @jamaisdehors (I think) a her husband sounds like yours.....she is freeing herself from his tentacles. You should aim for freedom too. Good luck and keep telling yourself ‘it’s not me - it’s HIM! He’s a horror.’
💐💐

Op - you really don't have to do these weekly chats if you don't want to! It just sounds like a way of him brow beating you and telling you that you are always wrong. Absolutely unbearable. Just say no - you don't have to fit in with his narrative and his rewriting of what has gone wrong in your marriage.