Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

He referenced at least three different specific things l had said. I actually feel violated

Disgusting but not surprising, as is the offering of little but excuses; what a shame such a faithful Catholic fails to get so many of its purported teachings

Also taking ZERO responsibilities for his actions (listening in) is emotionally inadequate and immature. It’s like a child saying “I didn’t do it, he made me, I couldn’t help it. Painful and pathetic. The petty excuses / explanations for him listening in would drive anyone up the wall and it just creates another wild goose chase argument. It’s v gas-lighty and disrespectful.

Understand how he spins and twists a conversation into a row - and then choose not to get drawn into his infuriating game where you lose you dignity and sanity.

Detach and drop the rope when he starts this nonsense.

Great advice above.

The listening in, querying and being "upset" at the content of your private conversation.

Oh OP, he is a trully morally bankrupt man.

I think getting away from him would be a great idea.

You really need to think carefully about what you want for your future.

I can imagine he would be hard to respect ever again.

Glad to hear you have got some space.

He admitted he had completely messed up in every direction and said he couldn’t understand his behaviour. Interesting though, he hasn’t done anything about getting a counsellor for himself. I reminded him that this was the single most important thing he should do.
Sounds as if you were totally reasonable in the points you made - and it does sound like he was at least listening, even if he's not willing to do anything about it.

Counselling is only going to have any effect if he seeks it out himself for a reason. You've shown him the direction, but if he goes because you "made him", it won't be effective for him, or satisfying for you.

If he went to counselling and it helped him, would that affect you? Or are you out of here anyway? Why are you trying to persuade him to go?

Good point Raven - why am l trying to persuade him to go to counselling?

I think that on some level l still care about him. I am concerned about his mental well being and that unless he gets help he may really deteriorate. I am concerned that the boys may be adversely affected by this and l find it so hard to think of them having to ‘manage’ him if l am out of the picture.

One thing l know now is that whatever is at the bottom of this, l am the target, intentionally or unintentionally. I am in the firing line and l have to remove myself.

But l also recognise l need to drop the rope as me trying to steer him in the right direction has achieved nothing.

It might not feel this way right now, Whatdirection, but you're incredibly wise
After so many years together it's not easy to disentangle these things and find a way forward, but it's becoming increasingly clear that you'll get there

But l also recognise l need to drop the rope as me trying to steer him in the right direction has achieved nothing.

That's because it starts with him taking some responsibility in what is happening. Not just the effect of him telling you his guilty secret (whether they exist or not) but the whole issue of his general behaviour towards you.

You know the saying. You can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

I am concerned about his mental well being and that unless he gets help he may really deteriorate.
You've done what you can. Perhaps if he drops further and it is obvious to others, and even to him, then he'll really believe he needs help. It might be what makes him seek it.
How old are the children? Would you need to stop him having them if things looked really dodgy?

This could be the gift he needs to reflect, change and grow. Currently you absorbing his dysfunction is sort of facilitating him. If he has to take responsibility for himself - he might have an initial dip and then he would get on with it.

I am concerned that you think your DCs would feel obligated to prop him up. I hope they don’t think like this. He doesn’t have a terminal illness - he has a psychological issue that he is actively avoiding or using. He is not helpless or hopeless.

on regards the 'escape to a BNB - technically you are allowed to move if escaping domestic abuse, so if you are able to speak to the owners then this should be allowed. We have a holiday cottage and have just let someone from our village into it for 3 months as they are having building work done. Its local and its not a holiday. Its allowed. However you may want to commit for longer than 2 weeks, as it could be argued that if you are going back its simply a break

Thanks Nettle - that is good to know. I remember in the first lockdown there was an ‘exception’ of being able to visit another house if you had had a serious argument - can’t remember the terms but it seemed to recognise that things can get pretty heated when cooped up together and so you could go away to have a break.

Sssloou - l am probably projecting when l am thinking about my sons. This was pretty much happened to me. My Mum could cut ties with my Dad once they had split but my brother and l still had contact and still had to put up with him. We did distance ourselves as much as possible though ( in fact in the last 10 years of his life, my brother went NC with him)

I don’t think they will feel obliged actually. They are both 200 miles away so geographically remote. DS2 will be more affected if he returns home for lockdown. They are both in their twenties.

I am also wondering how much they should be told. Should they know he has been unfaithful? They will understandably want to know what has happened. But l don’t want to over share as he’s still their Dad.

Definitely tell them the truth. Don't cover for him.

Honestly, from the bizarre, unlikely later "confessions" I'd personally wonder if he any of this stuff really happened, so I wouldn't bring it up. That's my take on it. But if you're absolutely convinced it's not a mental health issue and he was really unfaithful ... well, I told my children, mainly as my daughter showed every sign of having guessed, and he was staying with his AP - they were introduced after.
You can tell the truth without demonising their dad - they know I was angry, but that I saw it as a stupid mistake on his part.

They are adults and can be given the basic unemotional truth.

I'm so sorry that all this has been dumped on you

I've only just caught up, but the biggest thing that stood out for me (apart from his appalling behaviour!) was that he is blaming OCD for his behaviour, and you are sort of accepting of this , when it was only "diagnosed" by the utterly crap councellor you both saw?
Not a proper diagnosis at all, and yet, he's latched onto that as at least partially an "excuse" for his behaviour

And, he's gone to his mother, so why are YOU looking to move out? I'd stay put in my own home, now.

I agree with catmaiden!!

Thank you

Hello everyone, found a bit of space to give an update.

After the phone incident he went to his Mum's. The plan was he would stay there until l went away then return to the house.
During the time he was away he sent me a very long email expressing huge remorse.
On the day l was due to go away, the car wouldn't start! I had to contact DH as he was due to return and l was stuck in the house. I phoned the breakdown people only to find our membership hadn't been renewed since March.

This admin job is the only thing DH has responsibility for out of everything to do with the house/car etc.

At this point l just broke down. I felt completely unable to sort out this problem and that l would never get away.

DH returned and 'rescued' the situation, sorted out the breakdown people, took it to the garage etc. In between all of this we actually managed to have a decent conversation about what had been going on.

I felt absolutely wiped out for the rest of the day but somehow managed to get to work and then onto my accommodation.

I have been completely alone now for nearly three days but due to return home today where we will have a massive chat.

The three days away have been much needed but l actually feel more unclear about my next move than before l left.

I guess DH 'coming to the rescue' meant my last impression of him before leaving was favourable. If the blooming car hadn't broken down l would have left feeling angry with him. This has thrown me.

It's been a bit of a weird experience being away. I have at times missed my home and him.

I guess l was hoping for a feeling of peacefulness and clarity and that hasn't happened.

My emotions are really fluctuating. Because of the pandemic, l have realised if we split now l would be incredibly isolated. I don't have many friends but l could probably manage to organise a walk with someone once a week plus phone chats. I don't know if this will feel enough.

The question is l guess is - do l have the strength to do it now in the face of such impending isolation?

Would it be better just to hold fire, carry on planning, do some counselling and gather my strength?

However it is will feel very hard to carry on living with him. He is of course promising massive changes in himself.

I have tried sitting with myself and allowing myself to feel these last three days. What comes back is a feeling of uncertainty and 'l'm not ready'

By the way his OCD was diagnosed about 8 years with a completely separate thera post so l do accept it is genuine.

If you’re not ready, OP, you’re not ready. You don’t need to make sudden, dramatic moves. Do things at your own pace. I think you’re very sensible to consider the effect of the pandemic on this decision.

First up, I’m sorry you’re still feeling confused, and have slipped back to ‘comfort zone’ mode, which is not too surprising. It’s interesting that you say you left him on a positive note because he ‘rescued’ the situation. Imagine the reaction had your car broken down in the dark in the middle of nowhere. Fury would rightly have been the order of the day. As you are so unsure about your situation within the current lockdown situation why not find yourself a good counsellor to talk to, get some self help books, have a phone call with a lawyer to ascertain your position should you wish to divorce. Having all this knowledge makes you feel empowered and more secure - even if you stay together. As an aside, many banks and building societies offer ‘free’ breakdown, travel and mobile phone coverage along with certain current accounts so you need never be at his mercy re your car! Perhaps re-evaluate your friend situation too, a wee life MOT would be no bad thing for you going forward whatever you eventually decide. Good luck 💐

Thank you goody. You are right. If l had broken down in a different situation l would have furious with him.

I am aware that the fact he 'rescued'' me on Thursday has had a big impact on me. I am almost annoyed with myself for softening towards him.

However given his tendency to put his foot in it, l doubt it will be long before problems re-emerge.

I need to consolidate during lockdown.

Thank you ThisToo l do need to go at my own pace.

You should still be furious with him. He didn’t rescue you, he remedied a situation that he caused in part, by not doing a simple piece of admin (whilst you do everything else).

He is following a pattern. Of course he’s remorseful and promising to change, but how long would he sustain that for? That’s before you even consider his indiscretions, lies, mistruths. You don’t need to do anything in a knee jerk way but I’d tread very carefully and there’s no harm in getting your ducks in a row.

What KatherineSiena said!!

That is more a case of his cock up catching up with you. Not really a rescue.