Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

I would be suspicious of the need to unburden himself now, like why now?

I would be not at all surprised if a (now adult) child of one of these 'minor dalliances' turns up.

You have got the 'ick'.

First, get a different counsellor, one who doesn’t think it’s ok to cheat in your marriage if there’s ‘mitigating circumstances’.
Second, how happy does he actually make you. It doesn’t sound like he does this much.
Third, there is no such as thing as marriage credit, he’s fucked up and he needs to stop minimising.
Fourth, he’s told you to make himself feel better, regardless of the impact on you. Nice.
I think a few sessions with a counsellor on your own to sort through your feelings would be beneficial before you think about marriage counselling - then you can decide on whether the marriage counselling is to help you get back together or help you divorce as amicably as possible.
So sorry you’ve found this out now.

Sounds like there's much less in the bank than he smugly assumes.

Nothing like a smug twat falling on their arse, I must say...

Don't think for a moment that you have to listen to ANYONE except the voice within you. That's your truth. Maybe it'll take a while to work out exactly what that voice is saying and what you want. You've got all the time in the world though. Good luck.

Minor dalliances? That description alone would cancel out about ten years worth of the banked tokens, tbh. He sounds - eminently lose-able.

Oh and do ditch the counsellor.

What has happened to make him tell you now, after all these years?

You are right Yoni. I do need to listen to the voice inside. It is just so hard to trust my gut.

I agree with pp, I bet he got someone pregnant

I’m a counsellor and I would never give my opinion on someone cheating.
My opinion and views are irrelevant.

Get a different counsellor op.

I'd be wondering what the real reason is as to why he told you all of this now, after all these years. Guilt? I don't think so. How wonderful of him to share this shit sandwich with you.

Only you can decide what to do, but you do need to fire your therapist. What a hack.

@Whatdirection

You are right Yoni. I do need to listen to the voice inside. It is just so hard to trust my gut.

Don't be rushed.

Stay on here. You'll absolutely, 100% get the bias towards LTB, but I find that all that does in cancel out the natural bias of mutual friends and family towards 'Stick it out'.

The lead up to the confession involved us being all cooped up over lockdown with our two adult sons. All trying to work from home and failing. We managed to get away for a week. He confessed during this week. He said he was suffering from intrusive thoughts that wouldn’t stop and that were making him ill. He said he had suffered on and off with intense guilt over the years. He says the intense pressure of lockdown brought it all on.

Oh and yes there is a reason he's told you. Absolutely 100% a reason. Either something nuclear like a child, or someone threatening to tell you, or he's been up to something recently and fears he's been seen.

There is always, ALWAYS more to these things.

So at a time when you were at your most vulnerable, having carried and birthed your first child (and no doubt at home caring for him/her) he was gadding about having "dalliances"?

How would he feel about you going out and having a few "dalliances" of your own?

Your counsellor sounds a bit shit to be honest. If alcohol was a get out clause for wrong-doing, then many crimes could be labelled mistakes instead.

I too am wondering why he's unburdened himself now.

It does sound like you've gone off him and it also sounds like your DC will have flown the nest by now, so it's only yourself you have to concern yourself with (I.e. by splitting up you wouldn't be breaking up the family home, though obviously it's your 'D'H that has done the breaking).

Don't you think you can do better? If not then you should.

Another one wondering "why now?"
Unless it's happened again recently I'd have thought a "surprise child" would have been discovered by now, but either way I believe you should prepare for there being a lot more to this than ancient indiscretions

Why now? I think there's more to this than what he's chosen to tell you. How do you know they were only kisses? Considering he wanted to unburden himself, you'd think he'd have all the details to share with you. Surely he'd have been overthinking his acts of deceit before he confessed. I'd certainly be questioning his supposedly hazy memory.

He has also seemed so moral with a really strong sense of right and wrong. I do find the whole thing so weird, so strange. If anyone had told me this would have happened l simply wouldn’t have believed them. I agree l think the counsellor has been a bit rubbish. There have been a few other things she has said that have rung a few warning bells as well.

'Intense guilt' ...really, from a drunken kiss? Doubt it. Sounds like there was more to it.

He has told you to make himself feel better, if nothing happened during these times apart from a kiss which I am not saying is nothing by the way, however I would doubt you are getting all the truth here.

Were you meant to feel sorry that he has carried the burden of guilt for so long? If he really cared about you then he should have either told you about it at the time or continued to carry the guilt, thus saving you from the pain.
I usually err towards forgiveness and trying to save the relationship but I would seriously question his motives for telling you.

Thank you all so much for replying. I have very few people to talk to in real life. A couple of friends who l have told have made me feel l am overreacting a bit. I just can’t get past it.

His morals are in his dick... and his easing of conscience is merely 'a problem shared' getting it off his christ gives him a better nights sleep.. nothing to do with helping you.. I'd booting his vile arse into oblivion... 🌺

My XP was 'so moral' too.The things he said about his XBIL. His XBIL didn't beat up his sister though.