Wife wants a ‘break’

[Struggling73]

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

Purplethrow - asked her if she thought her mum was unwell. Her honest response was ‘no’ she’s just unhappy.
Guess that tells it’s own story then

Shaniac - thank you again. I know you are right. It’s just hard.

Man up!? It takes strength to allow yourself to feel emotional pain. And women are emotionally as strong as men so less talk of “manning up”, OP!

Sorry - missed that @Shaniac had already dealt with this point (and much better than I did)!

A lot of men find it difficult to talk to their male friends about feelings. Sometimes both men want to talk but don't know how to start so it's worth trying tentatively.

Taking a plaster off slowly hurts more. Sometimes you just have to rip it off quickly, deal with the pain and heal quicker.

You sound a great man and a people pleaser but just make sure in the future to look after you first x

AppleJane - thank you, I know you’re right (most comments on here I’ve known are right - how come I’m doing everything wrong?!)

@Dery

Sorry - missed that *@Shaniac* had already dealt with this point (and much better than I did)!

Yup.... I’ve already been told :)

OP I'm going to tell you my story as some of what you say sounds familiar, but from your wife's point of view.

I was desperately unhappy - seriously ill with depression at that point. I reached the 'straw that broke the camel's back' point and asked my husband to give me some space. I wasn't sure at that point what I wanted but I couldn't think straight.

Anyway, he agreed to leave and honestly, the moment he left it was like a lightbulb went on in my head and I knew in that moment we were over.

After a week he announced he was coming back home without any regard for my feelings. Our children were very small at the time and it would have been very confusing for them - we lived in a very small 3 bedroom terrace so living separately would have been impossible. In the end I took the kids and fled. We never went back and I will never forgive him for forcing his way back.

Anyway, what I'm clumsily trying to say is that maybe she genuinely doesn't know what she wants but you going home is unlikely to help things. If things are over (for her at least) then she should tell you - she owes you that much. But she may genuinely be confused.

You've done nothing wrong at all! You had the strength to go into the relationship fully committed. And you kept up your side of the bargain. Be proud of yourself and determined to give all that to someone else in the future who deserves you!

Hi OP. Sorry this is what's happened

FWIW, I agree with PPs, my DH has close friends and really only with two of them he opens up and even that is rare. I don't think it always matters who you speak to (as in male/female) when it comes to these things, but it's important to have a kind ear - and you've found plenty on here. Hope it's given you some insight into what she might be thinking although of course, we're not her.

I do think this is a shoddy behaviour on her part and I don't think I could stay with someone who kicked me out after 3 months at Christmas, no matter what. It looks like she doesn't want to salvage the marriage either. I still think there's more to it and you shouldn't let her off the hook. If she's played dirty on you, she shouldn't get away with it. I'm not saying you should be taking her to the cleaners, I never think this is a good idea especially with children involved. The point I'm making is be decent, as you clearly are, but don't let her walk over you. She's been a shit wife to you, I'm sorry.

Another thought, it sounds like you're a v hard worker and a provider. That is great and if you're comfortable obviously keep going. But can I just point out, as a wife, I wouldn't want my DH up and out at 4am and working long hours unless absolutely necessary. So perhaps think of your own wellbeing longer term and maybe look for partners that will happily look after you and work on your partnership's success together.

MyGhastIsFlabbered I understand that completely. But I feel like everything is on her terms. I think it’s quite selfish. Your situation is different with small children etc.
The other thing is, the mortgage needs to be paid. I can’t afford to pay a huge mortgage and rent somewhere else. So in effect I have to find somewhere to diss for free, away from not only my wife but my whole life...

AppleJane & PurplePansy05 - I’m not normally needy, but I can’t thank you both enough for the kind words and comments. It really does help x

I'd move back in and stay there till you sell up, upon which buy yourself something smaller or rent temporarily wherever is convenient for you. If she wants to leave sooner, well, she knows where the door is.

PurplePansy05 - after the message exchanges this evening they are my feelings exactly.... and it’s a joint mortgage, so there are lots of things to consider - early repayment fees, etc etc. I’m not going to sell on the cheap.

Well no, absolutely not, you're right OP. I don't know what job you're in, but I suspect from your posts you're a professional. So am I and tbh if I was ever in your shoes, I'd expect the other half to be sensible about money too. At the end of the day, you're two adults with some common sense and life experience, you've built a nice life and it's clearly beneficial to be sensible about things and not make them more difficult than they need to be. The only situation in which I wouldn't do that is if it was really untenable, we're talking a lover moving in, abuse, child abuse, some extreme (but sadly not unheard of) scenarios where a clear cut is needed.

OP,
Her daughter's truth is telling.

Your wife is unhappy.

It happens.

She should've married you.

She made a mistake.

That DOES NOT mean she gets to turf you out of your new home to doss on people's sofa.

Completely unacceptable.

I honestly don't believe she cares less for you in this scenario.

She wants you out of the house and out of her mind.

All well and good but you mostly certainly don't have to fund her "change of mind"🙄.

When you return tomorrow, she needs hard realities to be spelt out to her.

OP, we teach people how to treat us.

Show your wife you have self respect tomorrow and won't be taken for a complete mug.

I think she thinks you're a bit dim and malleable.....I really think she needs a wake up call.

She has every right to decide that she has made a mistake...that is completely her choice......but thinking you can just sleep in your car oh wherever the hell you can find while she spends the coldest time of year in your lovely new home is completely outrageous.

Keep posting.....while you find your inner indignation 😁👍

PurplePansy05 There is nothing like that. We are both sensible ( despite what some of you might be thinking ). If it takes 6 months or a year that’s something she’s going to have to deal with

billy1966 / thank you, and you’re right. I suppose that’s what I meant by my ‘manning up’ comment. Not turning into a caveman but standing up for myself. Letting her know that whatever she’s having to deal with I won’t let her just walk all over me

I think you should move back in , her children are old enough to understand, she is the one that caused this and I really think she should be the one moving out. She’s pulled the rug from right under you and should be feeling guilty, especially as her daughter said she’s ‘just’ unhappy.

You sound like a lovely guy and deserve to be treated so much better than this.

Keep talking here if you want to, there’s always someone listening, even in the small hours ( bloody insomnia) , it is totally shit but you know where you stand now and can begin to make plans. Remember , put yourself first now .

She's trying to force you to stay away by saying she'll put the house on the market...we'll tough. She doesn't get to dictate how things will be. She's our of order and for a website that normally sides with women (even when they're blatantly wrong) ...the fact that almost every poster is on your side is massive.

This is probably the last thing on your mind right now, but you sound like a man who wouldn't have any problem finding love in the future. Don't let this taint your view...as there are plenty good single women out there.

Purplethrow Thank you. I know you’re right. I’m just hoping when I see her tomorrow I’m able to stay calm and considered and not turn into an emotional wreck!
I will keep boring you guys with my drivel for a while. It’s helped. Massively. And I can’t thank you all enough

😲 what a cow!.

Definitely move back in, she can’t stop you but selling so quickly you’re right there will be an erc.

SandyY2K - any idea where they are? Lol

Fluffycloudland77 - yup, as I’ve had nothing else to do for 4 days I’ve already discussed figures with the lender. They aren’t pretty! 😳

I so agree with SandY and was about to write the same. It's obviously difficult to make any assessments based on a few posts online, but you have come across very well, as someone with dignity and principles and someone who is committed and kind. I think that's a rare breed of a man (but I hope not on the verge of extinction). Most of us probably had really shitty experiences with men in the past, many of us are going through it now if you look on MN. I count myself lucky to have found a good man, my DH. It does make me sad that men and women sometimes really don't appreciate what they have and they ruin it. But then going separate ways is the best thing to do. There really are plenty of good women out there and don't be put off by this bad experience. It's a matter of when, not an if, when you come across that special one.