Wife wants a ‘break’

[Struggling73]

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

@Struggling73 I think you need to think about the following questions so you can have an honest chat with her:

Why do you think your friendship of over ten years turned into a romantic relationship immediately following her mental breakdown?

What caused her first mental breakdown?

Is it possible she's not recovered fully?

Sometimes when people have left long term relationships or are struggling with issues they make decisions quickly to be with someone else. It comes from a good place but it's not always the right decision.

Do you know what I mean?

AppleJane Yeah I do know what you mean completely,
Update: I’ve decided to go home tomorrow. I send her a nice message explaining I know she doesn’t want me there at the moment but I’m coming home for my own mental health. I told her I will do everything in my power to help give her space and whatever else she needs.
Her response was that she understands my reasoning however, she doesn’t agree to it as she’s considering the mental health needs of her and the girls. I kind of said ‘tough, it’s happening’ although in a. Over way than that of course.
I’m starting to get a bit angry about the whole situation now. Maybe a few days thinking time, getting over the shock, and processing thoughts have made me think a bit clearer.
I’ve since had a long conversation with the eldest daughter on the phone and she’s fine with me coming home from her own perspective, although she is of course concerned about her mums feelings.

I’m pretty much thinking, whatever her Osijek is, be it solely with me, or something more, all I can do is offer to help and be supportive of her. If that’s not good enough, or she doesn’t want help, then I’ll accept the situation and start sorting out practicalities in order to move on with life.
It breaks my heart.... I’m struggling to even write this.... but ultimately its out of my hands

Omg. Typo. Whatever her issue is **

Another typo. Apologies.
....in a much nicer way of course *

From your update and what she has said , this needing space business sounds a bit bs to me , why is she worried about the mental health of her girls ? Especially as you’ve spoken to one of them and she seems ok with you going back.

After your last post I don't see any hope for your marriage. She's being selfish and quite frankly she's taking the piss now.

Your never ending patience is amazing, but I don't think you're toughening up.....which you'll need.

Purplethrow Yes, I agree. Sounding like she’s using the girls as an extra excuse a bit :(

SandyY2K The toughness will come. I just need to get the initial upset out the way

This all stinks to me.

So OK, she’s contributed towards the deposit (50% though?) but you’ve presumably bought a bigger house to all live in together. She’s stopped having to pay the mortgage whilst getting the benefit of more space and effectively ring-fencing her money (both via the joint ownership of the property and by marrying you). She’s got onto a winner there.

Then she kicks you out after just three months and at Christmas? And makes you sleep in the car (or doesn’t care to make sure you have somewhere to go). Too right you should be going back. Sod her “mental health” when she so clearly doesn’t give a shit about your mental or physical health.

Oh op, in the beginning i had sympathy for her thinking she sounded depressed but now she sounds cruel. How dare she use her own daughters as an excuse for you to not be in your own home. Im sorry this is happening but please prepare for this relationship to end if shes willing to see you out in the freezing cold in december after 3 months of marriage.

Dear OP

Your update is saddening because, like other PP, I think she is making clear that your marriage is over. Asking you to leave was a huge step to take (let alone on Xmas Day during a pandemic and leaving you to sleep in a car) and really it was the hardest step to take, and it's clear that having taken that step she wants to keep you gone. That tells you everything you need to know.

It sounds like you were a port in a storm for her after her previous breakdown and that's why she wanted to rush getting married but having got married she has realised that she can't or doesn't want to provide the commitment to you which comes with marriage; the reality doesn't match the fantasy. She sounds unstable and seems to be doing a very thorough job of stomping all over your heart.

No doubt it hurts like hell now but there will come a time when this is behind you. You may always have some sadness when you think of it - obviously this is not the ending you would have chosen - but with time the pain will ease. Of course, it's too soon to think of this now but I'm sure there are special people still ahead of you in life - you're young yet. My mum met the love of her life in her mid-50s, having ended a 33-year marriage about 5 years previously, and a number of her friends met partners and settled down very happily in their 50s, 60s and older.

Good luck, OP.

Shaniac Thank you,
Further update: she’s just counted me to say if I come back, as I haven’t given her the space she wants or needs, she feels she has no other option but to put the house on the market and look at living apart.
So yes..... it’s over.
I’m off to drown in a huge bottle of something.
But.... I’m still going home tomorrow.

Dery - thank you, you’re right..., it is heartbreaking. I’m saddened and distraught.
I know I won’t always feel that way though.
I’m in my late 40’s and have had my fair share of sadness and grief, but this just tops the lot

OP,
She actually sounds like a right piece of work.

For all her so called "issues" she's extremely lucid and resolute in wanting you out of the house in the middle of bloody winter, not giving a shit how you are coping.

Lucid enough to use her children.

As she finds herself in your lovely home 3 months after you have married.

She sounds like a real piece of work.

OP,
You need to stiffen your back because she has gotten you out of your house very easily, and it sounds to me she wants to make it permanent.

If that's the case and your marriage is over, her daughter's are NOT your financial responsibility and I would be changing your financial arrangements immediately.

I have the greatest respect for MH issues but she is being extremely calculating for someone who married you 3 months ago.

Go get legal advice asap and get back into your home and out of your car.

PaterPower - that just about sums everything up. I’m struggling to comprehend it all, I really am

Im so sorry. You dont deserve this at all. I know its no comfort but she is not the person you thought she was. Where are you staying tonight? Make sure you eat and keep your strength up although drowning your sorrows sounds more appealing, keep safe.

billy1966 - thank you. Much as I’m trying to look at the positives in terms of not wanting to think bad of her, I can’t disagree with anything you’ve said

Also feel free to keep talking. Breakups are the worst pain second only to actual berevement, so know all emotions are normal right now. You will feel lousy for months and slowly you will build your own strength and continue to create a happier life.

Shaniac I’m warm. I’m still dossing at a family member. A bottle is definitely required though.
Thank you

Shaniac Problem is I’ve got nobody to really talk to. I sound like a right sad case dont it!
Thank you for your words x

No you dont sound like a sad case at all. You have us, i know we are Internet strangers but sometimes it still helps to know others who have been through the same are listening. Many people find the dont want to or have no one to talk to in real life. Does the person your staying with know the situation?

Shaniac Yes, but not in detail. I can’t talk to them about details and feelings etc,
I can’t believe I’m feeling like this. I really can’t. I need to man up I think!

I’m so sorry Op, how callous of her , she’s either very unwell or a scheming witch. Did her daughter throw any light on the situation or is she as baffled as you are ?
Have a drink tonight, by god you deserve it.

Please dont ever feel you need to "man up". Thats a really toxic trait society peddles to make men hide their emotions. I have to repeatedly tell dp he is male not a robot therefore crying and being upset is a normal thing to do. Sorry i sound like i am lecturing you.

You are going through a horrible time and probably also feel betrayed that someone you love and trust could sweep the carpet out from under you. You have to deal with the shock first. The next week will be hard for you, going home and having the formal chat and deciding what the next steps are in regards to the house. But you can do it. You are in your 40s you have potentially 50 or more years ahead of you to meet someone else and experience new things. This one shitty break up doesnt define your future.