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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife wants a ‘break’

536 replies

Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 19:39

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

OP posts:
NancyPickford · 31/12/2020 19:56

Well done, you’ve done the right thing.

prawncocktailpringles · 31/12/2020 19:57

Delurking to wish you luck. I have been rooting for you.x

AppleJane · 31/12/2020 19:59

Brilliant update! I very rarely drink but I'm going to have one for you.

Enjoy your warm dog cuddles tonight x

Original poster
Struggling73 · 31/12/2020 20:01

Thank you Nancy, Prawn and Jane. Atmosphere is tense.... which was to be expected. Should I continue to not say at word, or at some point should I try and break the ice? x

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 31/12/2020 20:05

I'd just leave her be for now, and see a solicitor asap

prawncocktailpringles · 31/12/2020 20:07

I am shit at relationships so no advice except I am starting to realise that when you don't know what to do it is best to do nothing. x

Thehop · 31/12/2020 20:11

Leave her be but be civil. Let her make the first move.

You have nothing to apologise for.

Get a solicitor and have a chat about where you stand. You’ll feel even stronger for being clear on the legalities.

Your stepdaughter sounds lovely. Enjoy the dogs and well done you.

Zofloramummy · 31/12/2020 20:15

I’ve read the thread but not commented, well done for going home. On the dog front the person who works from home the most (in normal times) should probably be the one who has the dogs, long periods of time alone is unfair.

Good luck for the coming weeks and months.

Ianar · 31/12/2020 20:19

Good for you OP, give your dogs a pat for me!

Personally I wouldn't say a word yet, and do my best to be as nonchalant as possible. Go about your day. Then in a couple of days say something like "we need to talk about moving forward. I'm available at X times/dates (that suit you) . If we've not spoken by X time, I'll begin making plans for my future".

Original poster
Struggling73 · 31/12/2020 20:21

prawncocktailpringles - apparently so am I! 😳 x

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 31/12/2020 20:23

Haha. You got someone to marry you. That is many many levels above me in this weird video game of love.

prawncocktailpringles · 31/12/2020 20:23

Sorry, hope that wasn't flippant. I am also shit at internet forums. And mildly pissed.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 31/12/2020 20:25

prawncocktailpringles - excellent, have a couple for me please. I thought it wise I don’t drink tonight 😳.
I’d say better to not marry than to marry and *uck it up after 3 months 😳 x

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 31/12/2020 20:27

I think we can all agree that pets are the route to happiness. Happy new year from my boys (2 cats) and I am raising a glass to you. 2021 will be better for both of us, mainly because we have discovered the power of Mumsnet.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 31/12/2020 20:33

Cheers to that! Have a fab evening, and happy new year x

OP posts:
eviesmum · 31/12/2020 20:40

Well done for claiming your position Struggling, sit tight, keep it civil and don’t give in to anything that doesn’t feel right. Wife is the one who changed her mind, not you, as such you have the right to stay where you are

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/12/2020 20:41

Well done OP. Enjoy your dogs. Glad to hear eldest DSD was welcoming. Sounds like she missed you. Was she the one your wife claimed needed you to stay away for her mental health?

Happy New year from me, 9 adult pet rats, 22 6-day-old baby rats, and one very grumpy cat 🙀

TripleSeptic · 31/12/2020 20:45

I am glad you are home, lie low, regroup, gather the necessary paperwork, take it outside the house and protect your assets. Work, cuddle your dogs, keep going with your C25K, eat, don't force the issue but be firm. See what she's proposing and take legal advice. There will be an end to this, and you will pick up the pieces, let it be sooner than later.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 31/12/2020 20:54

Thank you guys. It’s pretty uncomfortable - one part of me wants to cuddle her (yes - I know!) but the other part is still angry.
Don’t worry, I don’t intend to try and cuddle her before you all jump on me, it’s just weird. 6 days ago we sleeping together 😳

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 31/12/2020 20:55

It's clear it's over because she's broken trust. She hasn't given you a good reason why she's decided it's over. It was a bolt out the blue and given she's done that once, she could do it again at any time. On Christmas Eve too? Just awful. I think she timed it to be doubly melodramatic. I also think she's got narcissistic traits.

Well done on going back. Now starts the business of extricating your lives, and it sounds like the eldest daughter can see your point of view at least. And the dogs are great listeners.

Oh, I loved Tai Pan, but enjoyed Shogun even more. By the same author about Japan. Just brilliant. I couldn't put it down.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 31/12/2020 21:00

Yes! I loved Shogun too! Both epically brilliant stories.
Thank you for the comment. I know you’re right. It’s hard, and raw, but I’ve taken the first step. About 6pm on Xmas day I felt like I didn’t want to take another step.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/12/2020 22:04

Delighted you have gone back tonyour home.

Say absolutely nothing.

She was quite happy for you to be seriously discommoded......settle back in.

You need legal advice asap.

Far better for you to be getting it from the family home.

She is NOT concerned with your welfare.
That is clear.

Do not seek her out.
Let her be uncomfortable.
Get your legal advice first.
Next see the EA to get that house back on the market promptly.

Sleep well.
Flowers

WeeDangerousSpike · 31/12/2020 22:06

Hi OP, I've just read the whole thread with mounting dread at you being and staying out of the house. I'm so glad to read you've returned home (not least because of covid!)

I think lanar speaks sense about approaching her in a couple of days. And previous poster's advice about not having earnings paid into a joint account and taking your share of any savings is good advice too. So many times you hear of one person clearing out joint funds and leaving the other with nothing. No one thinks it will happen to them until it does. Sad

Remember, the best defence is a good offence!

Original poster
Struggling73 · 31/12/2020 23:14

So, I’m lay in bed, my 2 dogs cuddling with me, and my eldest SD has come in, given me a big old hug and told me she loved me.
Bosh. I need nothing else in my life right at this moment x

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 31/12/2020 23:43

Happy New year from me, 9 adult pet rats, 22 6-day-old baby rats,

My word...this would be my worse nightmare...I'm petrified of rats.

and one very grumpy cat

I'll take the grumpy cat any day if the week. Smile

So, I’m lay in bed, my 2 dogs cuddling with me, and my eldest SD has come in, given me a big old hug and told me she loved me.

That's so sweet.