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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife wants a ‘break’

536 replies

Struggling73 · 28/12/2020 19:39

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

OP posts:
Ifitsamouse · 31/12/2020 14:06

Sadly I wonder if she has had her head turned at worked. Married you because she loved you as she’s known you so long but wasn’t in love and met someone who has brought this all home. ( Not saying she is having an affair)

Unless it was for cheating someone who kicks their partner out over Christmas is probably having a breakdown - but she is far too controlled for this so its shows her contempt.

Gather your ducks in a neat row, tell her you are coming to the house in a weeks time for a chat and go in armed to the teeth with the best legal advise you can find.

Tell her if she says no to the meeting next week or bails out you are moving back in there and then. Keep all texts so you can prove she asked you to leave.
I’d also say you need to get some stuff and see the dogs so ARE going back for a few hours over the weekend so she and sd should go out. Then snoop for all you are worth!

Ianar · 31/12/2020 14:26

@Ifitsamouse why should he stay out of his own house a minute longer? A week is a long time in his predicament. And further stress and expense. He doesn't deserve it.

I know it will be uncomfortable being around her, but no more so than your current "living" situation, OP. She should be the one squirming, anyhow.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 31/12/2020 14:31

Thank you so much everyone. I’m going to find a hotel (think I’ve found one for tonight), have a hot bath, and gather my thoughts. I’ve taken everything on board completely.
You guys are all amazing x

OP posts:
Mumek · 31/12/2020 14:37

Struggling73 You have received some very sound advice on this thread and I am another who advocates you should go home immediately. She has absolutely no right to ask you to leave. I strongly feel that she is using the 2 weeks to get all her ducks in a row and most probably change the locks early in the New Year. She definitely is not considering your welfare. The dogs will be happy to see you (grin).

nowishtofly · 31/12/2020 14:53

Hi @Struggling73 I also think you should make plans to return. If you accept that it's over (given her behaviour- chucking you out on Xmas day, I don't think you can plan on a happy future as you can't trust her) so it's best you get in the driving seat here.

If you decide not to move back in within the two weeks, don't be a stranger, pop round to pick up your mail, change of clothes, to see dogs etc and do that reasonably regularly. I believe you need to remind her that you didn't just disappear and the separation will be something that will involve a little bit of unpleasantness for her - which will give her more incentive to resolve the situation.

Get to a solicitor re divorce, book an estate agent to come round for a valuation of the house and to get it on the market ASAP. If everyone gets their skates on it will be sold before the stamp duty holiday ends which will really help you all move on. If you wife is in a position to buy you out or come to another arrangement then she can make her offer to you at a similar speed to how she kicked you out.

If you need a bit more time, that's fair enough, the events here are recent and shocking, but at some point it will be best for you if you gear up and make decisions that will move this on. The people here of this forum have experienced similar and will give you good counsel.

Ifitsamouse · 31/12/2020 15:09

Lanar,
He doesn’t have to stay away but I am not sure he will go back early either.
So using an old adage, he can use the time to plan for the worst and hope for the best!

Personally I wouldn’t have left the house in the 1st place but then I’m not the OP.

Ianar · 31/12/2020 15:24

@Ifitsamouse

Gotcha! Sadly I do feel OP is against the clock with this, what with the premeditation.

I'm not normally one for posting or reaching out in forums, but this one got my hackles up.

I hope you enjoy your bath OP, and find the strength to go back home tomorrow.

MandB23 · 31/12/2020 15:41

I’ve read through most of this thread and all of your posts and I really feel for you.
I understand wanting space and time but I really really can’t understand why she would want you to spend Christmas Day away from your home - it doesn’t sound like you deserve that and it gives the impression that she’s a bit heartless really.
It’s a horrible situation you’re in and I really feel for you.

Marmozet · 31/12/2020 15:47

@Struggling73

Thank you so much everyone. I’m going to find a hotel (think I’ve found one for tonight), have a hot bath, and gather my thoughts. I’ve taken everything on board completely. You guys are all amazing x

Good. Then tomorrow get back home because in all honesty you're being treated disgustingly.

Shaniac · 31/12/2020 15:51

Agree with everyone else tbh. Get some good food in you tonight and get a good nights sleep and go home tomorrow. Dont feel bad breaking the 2 week promise, she broke her promises to you first. As a pp said the dogs will be so excited to see you and she will have to get over herself and find somewhere to go if shes that uncomfortable being under the same roof as you. Her girls are old enough to decide if they want to stay in your house for the time being or leave with her if thats what she decides to do.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/12/2020 15:54

I also think you should return home ASAP OP.

Are you in an area that's just gone T4? If so, you really should be at home. Yes there are exemptions for essential travel and for relationship breakups, but given there is no abuse and by all accounts not even any angry words, it's really really selfish of your wife to be demanding that you move out. Both as a supposedly loving partner, and as a responsible citizen.

I also suspect a lawyer will tell you NOT to leave the marital home - but given the short length of the marriage, financially I don't think you'll have too much of a problem.

Remember to look after your physical health at the moment. If you don't feel like eating, try to get down soup, smoothies, protein shakes etc. It's fooking freezing and your body needs the fuel!

PurplePansy05 · 31/12/2020 17:11

OP, I'm thinking of you and I hope 2021 will be kinder to you, that things go well for you and that you find a partner you truly deserve. Flowers To new beginnings Wine

dane8 · 31/12/2020 18:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 31/12/2020 18:04

Evening guys
Update: I’ve driven home. I’ve been there 5 minutes. Haven’t said a word to my wife but have had amazing hugs from the eldest daughter and the dogs.
Plan is to keep out of the way (not hide but you know...) be polite without instigating any conversation, and do my own thing.
I feel relieved to be here, even if it’s uncomfortable
See - I listened. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but right now I’m sat in the spare lounge cuddling a dog and I could cry .
Much love and thanks to each and every one of you, you’ve dragged me through the darkest time of life ( crikey that sounds melodramatic ) xx

OP posts:
nowishtofly · 31/12/2020 18:10

A big well done from me OP. That must have taken some resolve to do. Here's to 2021. Happy New Year.

On to new adventures for you. May you find happiness.

Original poster
Struggling73 · 31/12/2020 18:18

I ought to apologise for not responding to each individual message. I’ve tried to keep up. I’ve had times where I have t even been able to read the words on the screen through my emotion. It doesn’t mean I haven’t read every response, every post, every bit of advice x

OP posts:
Marmozet · 31/12/2020 18:19

@Struggling73

Evening guys Update: I’ve driven home. I’ve been there 5 minutes. Haven’t said a word to my wife but have had amazing hugs from the eldest daughter and the dogs. Plan is to keep out of the way (not hide but you know...) be polite without instigating any conversation, and do my own thing. I feel relieved to be here, even if it’s uncomfortable See - I listened. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but right now I’m sat in the spare lounge cuddling a dog and I could cry . Much love and thanks to each and every one of you, you’ve dragged me through the darkest time of life ( crikey that sounds melodramatic ) xx

I'm so pleased you've got home and on New Years Eve :)

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2020 18:26

So pleased you are cuddling the dog at home. Good luck. Very good update. Thanks

Shaniac · 31/12/2020 18:31

Im so happy you are at least home with the dogs and dsd gave you a hug. This just shows none of it is you. Hold your ground you can do this. Hope 2021 is kinder to you as well :)

FarFromTheMaddeningToddler · 31/12/2020 18:37

A lovely update OP, I’m so glad you are home for New Year’s Eve with the dogs and your SDs.

PurplePansy05 · 31/12/2020 19:21

🥂🥂🥂 Delighted for you.

Purplethrow · 31/12/2020 19:22

Brilliant, well done . I’m glad you’re with your dogs they are amazing creatures x

Dery · 31/12/2020 19:26

Great to hear you’re home, OP. It’s the right thing. Good luck over the coming days. Keep posting here for support. It’s good to hear that our support has helped (sometimes I choke up seeing a supportive MN thread in action - it’s a special thing) but there’s no need to reply to each poster specifically. It’s not practical anyway: there’s only one of you and dozens of us!

SandyY2K · 31/12/2020 19:30

Animals can be very comforting at a time like this. If/when.you split up, could you take one dog with you ?

Original poster
Struggling73 · 31/12/2020 19:33

Thank you guys.
Not sure what will happen to the dogs. There are a pair, they can’t be split up.
Who knows, maybe we’ll eventually be local enough to kind of share them as such

OP posts: