Wife wants a ‘break’

[Struggling73]

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

I will be reading that thanks op! I know what you mean, im a chronic oversharer and tell everyone everything its hard to keep some things on the down low, deffo feel free to share anything just dont share anything legal or plans that if anyone recognises they can go back and tell her.

Really in the long run she will have done you a favour. Shes shown herself really early. It doesn't feel like it now but it would be so much worse years down the road when your planning your retirement together. Least now you are prime of life.

Shaniac - thank you and you’re right. The problem is...well, there are two... firstly I really love the daft woman. Always will (even if I have no respect for her anymore.
Secondly it’s not just I love. It’s my life - wife, dogs, step daughters, house... everything. Even I learn to hate her for what she’s done, I’ve still lost everything else x

Stopped fat thumb! Not just her I love* that should say

Shaniac - and I’m so glad you’re going to give that a read! I’d love to hear what you think of it. Hopefully you’ll think its as fabulous as I do :)

Good on you OP, glad to read this.

Oh op you sound so switched on i have no doubt you will land on your feet. Are they your dogs?

They are the family’s dogs, we got them together :(

@Struggling73

They are the family’s dogs, we got them together :(

We lost our beautiful boy to cancer back in the summer and it hit us hard so I won't be underestimating how you feel about yours.

I truly hope you can come to an adult arrangement, even if it's with the help of a solicitor.

I think people sometimes don’t appreciate how difficult can be being away from or losing your dogs. It hurts

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

A break to me is someone putting off facing reality. She is just stalling and that is selfish. She said clearly to you she wants you to give her space due to her MH but has shown no concern for yours.

How difficult that must have been for your SC when you weren't there at Christmas.

Did you tell her that you were returning ? Her timing asking you not to return was very coincidental.

I really think you need to take a step back and look at this differently.

I still think you should return.

How has this relationship got a future now even if she decides she does want you back ?

Can you live your life wondering if she'll do it again ?

You should be in the honeymoon period of your relationship. It's far from that.

Please get cross.

Anger is normal, interspersed with misery, confusion, pain.
You need to be more pro active & use the "angry" periods. To be clear, think of things in the worst possible scenario & find solutions for them.
I think its only fair to move back in, you WFH, it is half your house & it is she that wants out, & needs space, she needs to take responsibility for this & even if it means moving out with girls, if it is what she wants she she will have to feel the discomfort of it & will just have to do it.
It's just a bit too easy, she is rightly or wrongly checking out of this relationship & you quietly gooff to lick your wounds with little discussion, or explication.
The chances are she has met/is attracted to someone virtually or in reality through her new job. & hasn't decided yet. & owned up to this, or the OM is just an illusion/married/player...
She owes you an explication.

Thank you both (above two posts). I agree, I think there is no future now, even if she had a change of heart. I don’t think I’ll trust her again.
I’m definitely starting to feel different about it all. Still upset - of course, my world has turned upside down. But I’m starting to feel pi**ed off that she would do this to me. I’m also thinking the same as suggested above - she is the one with the issue... she should be the one moving out of the situation. Yes - it might be more difficult for her with 2 girls, but then that’s her choice. I’m not forcing her out. That’s the choice she needs to make. I’ve been through a week of living hell. I’ve had some very dark thoughts whilst sat in my car an Christmas Day evening, I landed on a kind family members sofa. I’m now in ab&b with shit internet so I have to find somewhere else again today so I can hopefully work. Why am I going through all this because my wife wants ‘space’ and ‘thinking time’. You don’t need thinking time to know if you want to be with someone or not. It’s not the same as purchasing a car. The thinking time will be to give her space to decide her next step... her next plans.
Bo*xs to that.
I will respect this two weeks I promised her... then I’m going back.

@Struggling73

Thank you both (above two posts). I agree, I think there is no future now, even if she had a change of heart. I don’t think I’ll trust her again. I’m definitely starting to feel different about it all. Still upset - of course, my world has turned upside down. But I’m starting to feel pi**ed off that she would do this to me. I’m also thinking the same as suggested above - she is the one with the issue... she should be the one moving out of the situation. Yes - it might be more difficult for her with 2 girls, but then that’s her choice. I’m not forcing her out. That’s the choice she needs to make. I’ve been through a week of living hell. I’ve had some very dark thoughts whilst sat in my car an Christmas Day evening, I landed on a kind family members sofa. I’m now in ab&b with shit internet so I have to find somewhere else again today so I can hopefully work. Why am I going through all this because my wife wants ‘space’ and ‘thinking time’. You don’t need thinking time to know if you want to be with someone or not. It’s not the same as purchasing a car. The thinking time will be to give her space to decide her next step... her next plans. Bo*xs to that. I will respect this two weeks I promised her... then I’m going back.

Sod this. Just go back now. You've done nothing wrong at all and she is the one with the issue.

Considering your issues with this current AirBnB and the Covid tier situation just get yourself home and if she's against that she can leave.

Just another perspective.

You giving her the two weeks, is that you putting off facing the issue too ?

Nothing will have changed except it will be two weeks later, you've had two weeks of hell, expense, being away from your possessions and your life.

Stop being a walk over. A sitting duck.

This is not ok and her behaviour is making it even worse.

Turn it round. If you were having second thoughts would you ask her to leave for a few weeks. Be comfortable that she had to sleep in her car, then sofa surf and then spend money on b&bs in a pandemic? Doubt it !

This is not ok !!!

@fuzzymoon

Just another perspective.

You giving her the two weeks, is that you putting off facing the issue too ?

Nothing will have changed except it will be two weeks later, you've had two weeks of hell, expense, being away from your possessions and your life.

Stop being a walk over. A sitting duck.

This is not ok and her behaviour is making it even worse.

Turn it round. If you were having second thoughts would you ask her to leave for a few weeks. Be comfortable that she had to sleep in her car, then sofa surf and then spend money on b&bs in a pandemic? Doubt it !

This is not ok !!!

This all day long.

@Struggling73
i really do advise you go back this weekend, not in 2 weeks time. You accept its over and thats fine, so you tell her you have thought long and hard and are not going to be treated like this. If she wants space she can move out for a time but you are moving home. Please dont give her the 2 weeks. As i said before, she may plot and get her daughters to 'say things' that arnt true to keep you from returning home. Speak to a solcitor and get the ball rolling with the official separation. She wants this so give it to her and dont be a lame duck waiting for her to call the shots!

Who owns the house? If it's you, you've been stitched up mate.

I'd go back now, no question. Why are you spending your own hard earned money on an air bnb with shit internet just in order to work when you have your own home and every right to be there. Madness, OP.

Your biggest issue is that you're too kind, to your own detriment. That is not ok.

On a positive note, glad to see you're pissed off. The best ideas are borne when you reach clarity of mind following the anger you're rightly feeling now. This will come shortly and will give you the oompf and determination to get through this.

I would imagine that actually engaging with a therapist to talk out all her issues would be a better use of the money currently being spent on AirBnB
space doesnt necesarily mean just leaving her alone - because how do you know she is using that time to think about her problem - she could just be carrying on in the house, just wiothout you in it. That may be what she wants, but its not fair to you.
If, as it seems given her last breakdown, the problems preceed your marriage, then really its only fair if she attempts to deal with them - did she have any therapy before, or did YOU provide the therapy/the shoulder to cry on. Its never wise to be the full emotional support for someone - its OK to support them in their recovery, but as a partner, you shouldnt BE their recovery, even if you were a qualified psychotherapist - I think this is a huge problem in the world, people looking to their partners and expecting them to fulfil that role. Its not healthy, but you see it alot. Obviously we want to see our loved ones get better and feel better, but we are too close and too emotionally invested, and we dont lack the skills to do it and it creates a really unhealthy dynamic, and also leaves you vulnerable.

I’ve been following the thread but haven’t commented as you were getting such good advice from wiser posters. However, I have put in my tuppence worth here.
I think you should forget the two weeks and go back now.
You have handed over all the power to her, she is sitting comfortably in your home while you go from couch to b&b to b&b.
It’s simply not fair.
And do you have any proof of your step-daughter having mental health issues?
I know you want to do the decent thing and honour your two weeks promise - but bollocks to that! She not doing much honouring or respecting of your wishes - and HOW DARE she turn you out of YOUR OWN HOME! God, I’m so angry on your behalf.
Get back there, you have done nothing wrong.
I repeat - you have done nothing wrong - so why should you be punished?
Stop dancing to her tune and go home.

P.s. Tai Pan is my husband’s favourite book. He loves that whole series of which it is a part.

I think OP is being sensible about this. Not necessarily the full 2 weeks, but de-escalating the situation is wise. A few more days helps everyone calm down and next week there will be more access to banks, estate agents etc.

I do find it curious timing that she chose the start of the holiday period to initiate this. It certainly compounded the OPs difficulties.

That said OP, anger is a good thing at this point. Harness it.

Hello OP. I am a man who has came across your thread, after somehow finding myself here after going down web rabbit holes online. I felt strongly for your situation, so I felt I had to join this site.

I am very sorry for the situation you are in. I am here to tell you - as others have - that you should return to your home immediately. Your wife's demands are completely unreasonable and unacceptable. Using her child's health as a reason in this situation is not okay.

There is obviously premeditation on her part, so it was up to her to make suitable living arrangements in advance. If things weren't good for her, she needed to talk to you.

It is okay to go back on the two weeks you stated you'd stay away for. You are in shock and are allowed to change your mind. There is nothing unvirtuous in doing so. I understand the mental reasoning you have used (which boils down to fear imo - understandable in shock), but it is not the correct decision and can only harm you further.

You can only gain from going back now, and lose from staying away. By going back you are showing your backbone and not willing to kowtow to such ridiculous and selfish demands. By not- the opposite. If she gets angry that you've "gone back on" the two weeks, then that shows she's not a rational adult and someone you want to be with anyway. You are the one that should be angry.

You sound like a kind, sensitive person mate, and this has understandably hit you hard. I really wish you all the all the best with this. Don't let her dictate things moving forward- go back now.

*@lanar - this ^ with bells on!

You’ve been given some great advice here OP.

I’ll chime in to add that I think your wife is being hugely unreasonable

Agree with above.

It is just preposterous that you are scrambling around for accommodation while you pay the mortgage on your new home.

Why are you taking this cost on.

Your wife couldn't give a shit about you.

She could have moved out with her daughter's but oh no, much easier ON HER to turf her new husband out to his car on Christmas night.

She is abusive.

Beware of the fury you may feel in the near future at allowing her to discard you so easily.

OP, the outrage on this thread is palpable because this is outrageous....even for MN.

You have a job that you need.
You need to be back in YOUR home with your good internet.

Sod her having your lovely home on New Year's Eve.

Find your backbone.

You do not have to stick to any agreement with a woman who would turf you out of your home at Christmas to stay in your car.