Wife wants a ‘break’

[Struggling73]

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

I know guys. It was my idea. I actually thought it would give me 2 weeks to work out everything I’ve not yet been able to even think about.
Without the hassle of being in a potentially stressful situation.

Where are you going to stay?
How are you going to wfh for the next couple of weeks?
Do you have anything of significant or sentimental value in the house that is yours? Any key documents?
Do you have joint accounts and savings?

I don't trust this woman one bit, OP, and I think you need to secure your position asap.

Definitely get an appointment with the divorce lawyer.

I second getting an appointment with a divorce lawyer and getting appropriate advice before you make any decisions.

Suddenly now it's her daughter with MH problems.

I'm so sorry OP, but I absolutely believe you are being played.

Her talk of taking on the morgage is confirmation that she is planning for you to no longer reside there.

Two weeks for her to seek legal advice and to frame this.

OP, all we can do is give you an alternative prospective to help you protect yourself.

You have to want to protect yourself.

You have to want to not be taken advantage of.

You have to want to not look back on this an know that you had another narrative to consider, but just went ahead, against your own best interests.

You not returning home because of your new step daughters sudden MH problens, which have suddenly developed after your new wife's suddenly needing space is just you being played for a mug, despite that you are telling her you won't be a mug.

Get legal advice ASAP and help yourself.

What exactly are the daughters mental health problems?

And surely they were brought on by her asking you to leave?

What did you both put towards this new house? You said she had a house before, did she sell it? Did you sell yours?

What percent of equity did she put in.
Could this random mortgage payment be her trying to get proof she contributes?

When did you actually buy it if only together 18 months and married 3?

@Struggling73
Im sorry you are going through this but glad MN has proved a help. Your update today has really concerned me though. As i understand your situation you pay the mortgage for you, your wife and her to DC who are teenagers and they had a lovely Xmas the 3 of them in the house you pay for, whilst you slept in a car!

You need to see a solicitor pronto. Today or tomorrow if possible to understand your position legally.

Lets call worst case scenario......2 weeks down the line, you go to move in and she has changed the locks. Said you have been abusive and she is affraid for her and her DC's. Or got her DC to lie about you. You would be prevented from returning home. She could drag out the separation and sale of the house meaning you are still supporting her and her kids whilst not able to live there. Extreme, perhaps but its all possible and she has the time to do this now and to plan!

Ultimately its your call and only you can make it however i do think you maybe in for a nasty surprise in 2 weeks time. Just please seek legal advise on the situation and get your ducks in a row financially so you are at least prepared.

I also agree with everything @billy1966 has said in their post......she now has time to plan and you are being taken for a ride. Im sorry but its true.

SHE has caused these problems for herself and her daughter- SHE has turned your world upside down and SHE is living in YOUR house while you have no place to go?! She is absolutely disgusting and I truly hope you dump her ass and find someone who DESERVES you. X

@Struggling73

I hope you are right this minute at a solicitor's office! Drop everything and move heaven and earth to get legal advice asap so they can tell you all the things she could do in those 2 weeks and how you can protect yourself.

We all hope for the best but you must prepare for the worst!

Does anyone have any experience of using a private investigator in these types of matters to get evidence of cheating? She can't re-write history later if you gather evidence now.

You probably think we sound a right crazy bunch but we all know women who don't play by the rules!

Does anyone have any experience of using a private investigator in these types of matters to get evidence of cheating?

I don't but I've seen some very well put together posts on that on MN. Hope these pro posters are reading this and can help!

OP, I really think you shouldn't be out of the house. Something isn't right here. I'd go back tonight, get all paperwork together, separate yourself from her as much as possible and if she tries on something stupid, record her.

And for crying out loud, move your share of the money from any joint accounts and savings.

Hi OP. I'm glad you found my experience helpful. The parallels with my own experiences are chilling, frankly.

Reading your update, I'm not surprised at how she responded. The calm and reasonable tone also fits. She is maintaining control of the situation, hardly the actions of someone in distress. But difficult for you to oppose without making a scene or being easily cast in an aggressor role. It is a clever and manipulative move but you can plan ahead now as you have an idea how she will react. Definitely get that legal advice and bring a friend when you do go home.

As you have agreed to the 2 week period, use it as you say to prepare. In the circumstances I think you made a reasonable decision, as going in half ready could be risky.

I have also sent you a PM.

Don’t let guilt sway your decision making. Your SD mental health is a concern but so is yours. What your wife did to you over Christmas is almost unforgivable. I know there are 2 sides to every story but it sounds like she has been planning this and is playing you.

Get a lawyer ASAP. Best of luck and hope you get some sleep tonight.

a couple of points to raise

1. dont try to be her counsellor or take any responsibility for 'fixing' her or being responsible for her MH. She needs professional advice there and professional support. If she has previously had a breakdown and looked at you to support her I would suggest that she has some serious issues - maybe she thought getting married would fill the void/what was missing in her life/make her happy, but like moving house to make a new start, unless she has dealt with the issues that caused the first breakdown, she is simply taking them with her.

1. the length of the marriage means its is extremely unlikly that any divorce settlement would mean that you cannot pull out exactly what you put in with the house etc. She cannot ask for maintanance or spousal, nor can she ask to remain in the house because of the children without giving you the equity. However Im not sure you can divorce after 3 months. You can however seperate. Im not sure about an annullment. You will need advice. Also is there not capital gains if you sell before a certain time? Can you buy her out of her share?

I also agree with the others. is there any way you can text her/email her and get this 'two weeks breathing time' in writing - you also need to get it in writing that she asked you to leave, because SHE was having second thoughts - you need to make sure its absolutely clear that you havent left under your own steam, and that it is not you walking out.

She's sounding more and more devious tbh. You need to look out for number one now ....she doesn't have your interests at heart.

This manipulative behaviour bringing her daughters into it is very low.

Hi all. I’ve been wisely advised not to put any detail on here re: plans (thank you - I’ll respond to your PM soon).
Regarding my mental health today - a bit up and down really. Obviously it’s still raw. However, I’m trying my best to focus on other things. Bought a good book, started running etc. Weight is dropping off which is a blessing :)
You’re all keeping me sane. I’m not joking. Thank you all x

You sound clearer👍

Very wise not to put too much on here, you never know who will connect the dots.

What book have you got? Cant beat a decent read and running is fab to keep grounded and focused.

Couch to 5k is excellent for running motivation if you need it

If you share your book title maybe some of us could join you in reading that too! Give you something positive to focus on.

Good thinking @alvinp

I’m reading Tai Pan. My favourite book, although I haven’t read it for many years. Fabulous book. Give it a try
Yup.... couch to 5k us what I’m doing :) day one down.
I’ll be honest, I know it’s all very new and all very raw, but I’m starting to feel a little angry about what I’ve been through. Is it too soon to have come out of the ‘feeling sorry for myself’ stage? Or will I slip back into that at some point?

Shaniac - yeah I had some good advice about that. I keep re-reading it.
I feel compelled to let you know what’s happening, so it’s hard not to spill all

There's a restaurant near me called Tai Pan .. obviously it's closed at the moment in Tier 4.

You're doing well to keep it going. It's times like this when resilience helps to cope with these difficult life events.

Check out the book. James Clavell - it’s excellent :)
Set in the turbulent days of the founding of Hong Kong in the 1840s, Tai-Pan is the story of Dirk Struan, the ruler - the Tai-Pan - of the most powerful trading company in the Far East. He is also a pirate, an opium smuggler, and a master manipulator of men. This is the story of his fight to establish himself and his dynasty as the undisputed masters of the Orient.