Wife wants a ‘break’

[Struggling73]

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

OP very tough.

I hope you’re doing ok, it’s almost impossible I know but do try and get some sleep. Deep breaths, you will get through this.

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. Keep posting here but try and get some support in real life also.

If this is about your dogs, keep a copy of all messages between you and get some legal advice.

OP, how are you?

I wouldn't normally say that but if this is something serious,which it sounds like, get some evidence, if you need to, involve the police, if it's not what other posters suggested, go in with a witness, record her, take screesnshots of all unreasonable behaviour. She can't be allowed to get you to this state, you need to protect your position. Whatever she's done now, it's been done on purpose and I suspect manipulative. Stay calm, don't fall for these tricks You're in the right here, she's in the wrong, don't forget.

@PurplePansy05 and how are you feeling this morning?

Better, thank you for asking @AppleJane

Good @PurplePansy05 it'll all be worth it in the end!

OP I hope you are okay this morning.

If your wife's message was designed to keep you out of the house - I'd treat it with the utmost suspicion. Do not let her walk over you. The picture is becoming clear here that she has an untrustworthy and manipulative side which you have not seen before.

This is the woman that you love, who you thought was your soul mate, that you would spend the rest of your life with. So you're on the back foot, and in your emotional distress its easy for someone dishonest to manipulate you and get you thinking you need to agree to outrageous demands in order to save the relationship, and that you must be in the wrong because otherwise why would they be doing this?

I suspect that when you call her bluff by returning to your house (which you absolutely have a legal right to do and can ask the police to help you gain entry if for example she has changed the locks) that you may see a sudden change in her behaviour and think a reconciliation is on the cards.

It's important to remember that this woman is not what you thought she was, and she is not your friend. She may start telling you that she is "entitled" to things financially. Do not accept anything she says as fact until you have verified it for yourself with a third party. And in fact I'd make a solicitor visit/phone appointment right at the top of your priority list.

I must say that as many PPs the first thing that crossed my mind reading your OP was "cherchez l'homme" but ultimately it doesn't really matter - there is no fucking way I'd remain married to someone who was happy for me to sleep in my car on a fucking freezing Christmas night with all accommodation shut due to Covid. Fuck that!

You might benefit from looking into narcissist traits because it sounds like a bit of a whirlwind romance followed by an abrupt loss of affection. The cycle is called "idealise, devalue, discard" and it ultimately stems from viewing the victim as an object to be used rather than as a separate human being with agency. I may be way off base there but it would be good reading for you nonetheless so you can spot potential abusers in future.

Good luck today OP and bear in mind that if you drank a lot last night, alcohol can magnify feelings of depression and anxiety - so don't think you're going to be feeling like this forever.

There is a lot of support on MN - keep posting.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation has absolutely nailed all the key points. Thinking of you, OP. The coming months are going to be very difficult and painful but you will get beyond this and feel peace and happiness again.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Thank you for this, I’m truly overwhelmed and humbled by all of the supportive messages in here. I really am

I'm not sure if you're still thinking of going back today but please take someone with you if you think you need to.

If you're still not ready to share right now that's fine but most of us have experience of manipulate people and you can sometimes predict what someone's next move is likely to be.

Hi OP, I've been lurking on this from the start. So good to see the support and good advice you have been receiving.

I echo what others are saying.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation has a point, this sounds like narcissistic personality traits. I've had my own experience there, so if you are facing either suicide threats or accusations of bad behaviour from yourself, don't take it to heart but recognise it as the extremes of manipulative behaviour that someone who is deeply damaged will go to. Be very careful, get legal advice and if possible make sure you have someone with you as a witness. Chances are she will be sweetness and light when others are there.

Like you, I knew (and fancied) my exDW for some years prior to getting together with her romantically. Like you, we got married too quickly, and I thought she was the love of my life. Like your wife, she flipped out not long after the wedding and tried to throw me out. Stupidly I begged to stay, to change, and to conform to her demands.

Unlike you I did not know about Mumsnet. I did not "chercher l'homme" (but there was one). That car crash of a life blew up after several more traumatic years and I left, deeply in debt and utterly destroyed. Within a year I had met a lovely woman, my now DW, we took it slowly and the rest is history.

There is a positive in your case. You have found out very quickly. She will probably realise this and will either escalate (which it sounds like she has already) or switch to wanting a reconciliation - and you will think that she has "recovered".

As Maya Angelou said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".

Good luck, be strong and be smart.

One more thought. When this happened to me I was embarrassed, humiliated even. I had thrown everything into the relationship, shown my commitment in every way and I had ignored the advice of my closest friends who were concerned by the whirlwind nature of the romance.

I was desperate to make it work and prove them wrong. This first of all stopped me from asking for help, so I was utterly alone, and secondly it meant I took longer to face the problem. I desperately searched for reasons to breathe life back into the relationship and my exDW happily accepted every lifeline, especially the financial ones.

Showing this thread to a close friend or relative may be less painful for you than talking about it directly. In my case I sent an email to my sister and asked her to tell others for me.

Hi OP - hopefully Alvin’s fabulous posts are already buoying you up more. There’s nothing quite like hearing from someone who’s been in the same boat. And do share in real life too. This is too much to keep inside.

@alvinp great advice and heartwarming to hear you went on to find happiness

OP,
I also think bringing someone with you would be very wise.

It would certainly put her on notice that you are not as gullible and as easily manipulated as she seems to hope.

I think she has probably told you she thinks it best you remain out of the house indefinitely, snd that she will handle the eventual sale on her timeline.

I really hope you have heard the sage advice that has been given here.

She is NOT your friend.
She does NOT care about your wellbeing.

I, like others keep mentioning her turning you out to sleep in your car.

It is so unbelievable for a person to do this.

It is so morally wrong and abusive.

It's a first for me.

Keep reminding yourself of how little she must care for you, to do that.

You need to return to your home and arrange a reconfiguration of bedrooms in your home, so you have space while the house sale goes through.

She should no longer have access to your money.
Your salary should no longer go to a joint account if it does.
Separate your finances immediately.

Legal advice.
Financial advice.
Contact the Estate agent that sold the house to you, to move things quickly.

Get support IRL from family and friends.

Do NOT be embarrassed.
By facing this calmly and clinically you can get through this.

Try to manage your emotions the best you can, they leave you very vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

Lastly, be very wary of a sudden reversal of her requiring space when she realises you are not quite the mug she thinks you are.

Lots of great advice here. Good luck today op. Have you decided when you are going back?

Get back in to the house. Fine, if she wants to split she wants to split, but she doesn’t get to throw you out of your own home, which you are paying the mortgage on.

How would you feel if she started dating and was bringing another man there? I can’t believe the cheek of her to be quite honest.
A person I know did this, they kicked their husband out of the house which he paid the lions share for and moved her new girlfriend in, after realising she was gay. Girlfriend and wife lives there a good 18 months with the ex husband paying all the bills. Made it very difficult.

Get back in your house and start divorce proceedings. Sell the house, she sounds horrible.

Hi everyone. Again, (Please don’t laugh) I’m overwhelmed with emotion reading this advice and support from you all. I really mean that.
I have an update which you all are all probably going to tut at me for:
The plan was to return today, around this time. I told her this early hours of the morning ( via text ) - I haven’t slept in 2 days now. She sent a rather long and emotional message asking me not to for the sake of her and her daughters mental health. It wasn’t nasty, it was quite calm and reasoning. You won’t be surprised to hear it tugged at my heart strings. Then followed a phone call - pretty much the same message but tugging even more. This was the first time I’ve heard her voice since Xmas morning and she sounded genuinely confused and upset ( manipulation! I hear you all shout)
Upshot: we have discussed some short term finances ( she is going to sort out the mortgage with savings ). I am going to stay away for 2 more weeks ( to give her the space she is craving ) - but I have told her before that 2 weeks is up, we need a conversation about the future ( the house etc ). I made it clear I’m not going to let her walk all over me and after these 2 weeks (assuming I still want to, although I didn’t say that) I am going to be looking at moving back in to restart my life and she is either going to have to find a way to deal with that or move out.
i ended the conversation with ‘we’ll talk soon and tell the girls to let me know if they need anything in the meantime’. That was it.
So..... I’m now looking for somewhere to stay for a couple of weeks.
Ok I’m hiding behind a cushion..... hit me with it ....

Alvin - you advice (even though things have changed slightly) is amazing. I’ve read your comment 4 times and every word has given me a boost

OP, the 2 weeks could turn into a month, why is she going to take over payon5the mortgage if you are going back in 2 weeks? How much of your belongings are in the house?

She could be waiting for solicitors to re open and slap an occupation order on you. You could end up paying for her to live there until her daughters are 18.

Sorry to alarm you but my partner's ex wife tried to say he was beating her, treid to get him to move out to 'give her space' she already had a new man by then.

So... who suggested the two weeks? Why suggest/agree to this if you don't have anywhere definite to stay?

The good thing is, hopefully she knows you won't easily be pushed around. That two weeks will hang over her to some extent like a timebomb, though rather than sort anything about moving forward she will probably spend the time hatching a plan to stall you again once the two weeks is up, so be prepared for that.

So now it's about her daughter's mental health too. Low blow.

I'm not buying it.

At least you have a (sort of) plan in place and she knows you won't do this indefinitely. You are legally entitled to be in that house.

I think you need to take these 2 weeks and treat it like a proper break up now, so that if she tried to extend it or play nore silly games you are emotionally better equipt to deal with it.