He has said goodbye,am I justified feeling hurt?

[wheresthesnow]

I've been "friends " with a guy for nearly 2 years now.
We spoke about everything daily.
We had some dates about a year ago and have slept together and nearly actually got together but he backed off.
We haven't slept together in a year but I thought we developed quite a good friendship.
He would confide in me about things and me him.
We would chat on the phone but mostly text.
He told me he still fancied me but he was a bit of a Jack the lad.
I messaged him last week (as normal never thought anything of it) he took ages to reply.
Then he replied "I'm starting to date (name of woman) I don't want you to message me again thanks "
I replied "eh we are friends why not"
He replied "do you not understand I want no more contact with you,stop messaging me,goodbye,there's no need for further communication"
Then I replied and no response
I'm unbelievably hurt.
I feel like I've lost a limb.
I had accepted we would never be a couple but I value him as a friend.
He's literally throwing me away for someone his known a fortnight.
I've never stopped crying for a week now.
Would you message again?
It's not like we are still sleeping together or sending naked pics
Even tho a few months ago he told me he resisted looking at my pics as he liked it too much and confused him.

I just can never fathom how he is so cold.
He never takes into consideration anybody's feelings.
I could kick myself because he was telling me about these other girls who I'm now one off ..who he didn't want a relationship and they pushed and pushed.
I thought I was different.

@Fluffycloudland77 he's totally fucked with my mind but I did allow it.
All the other girls have walked away now.
I was the only one hanging around

Sweetheart, I feel for you. This will hurt like stink for a while but you are doing the right thing not wanting to seem weak. Hold your head high, focus on doing things for you that you enjoy, fake being over him, until one day you will realise that you are.
I have been where you are and at your age too. I thought I had loved him too much to ever move on, but wind forward 2 years and I did meet someone new.
Don’t beat yourself up about “could have/should have.” You did what you were because you are you. You developed feelings for him, because you are someone who cares, and who can love. That’s a positive. One day you can meet someone who will love you back. In the meantime, your ‘friend’ was there for you whilst you were caring for your mum. Don’t underestimate how much of a strain you were going through there. It’s good that you had someone who was there for you at that time, even as a rather flaky friend.

I’m sure that you will always hold a soft spot for this ‘friend’, and wish things could have been different, but honestly, he sounds like heartache waiting to happen. If this new girlfriend doesn’t work out and he tries to get in touch again, remember that he will hurt you, he will drop you when someone else comes along.
Relationships don’t have to be like that. Your next fella might not make your heart beat quite so fast, at first, but may well have other qualities. Set your bar higher. Honesty above all things. Gentleness. Someone who cares. Someone who has friends and wants to share them with you. Someone who wants to be with you, have fun together, do boring stuff together . . . Draw up a list when you start to meet someone, and don’t settle for “treats me shittily!” You’ve been there, done that. Give yourself time to recover, time to find female friends, new hobbies, a new job perhaps. Eat chocolate. Drink wine. MN a lot. Best of luck.

I had a friendship quite like this that spanned over 5 years. It was the same as you in that we phoned and texted a lot, had sex, but were also there for each other as friends, and went out as friends without the sex too.

I would never have wanted to date him, or marry him, as I know what he's like - he's a flirt, and I'd be worried about him cheating. But our situation was perfect.

I then got a boyfriend, told him everything and asked him what he thought. He said he'd be fine if I was still friends with him so long as the sexual stuff and flirting stopped. It did, all was well for 2 years.

Then the guy got a girlfriend and asked me not to talk anymore.

He was truly my best friend, and yeah it was a weird friendship at times, but fuck it, it worked for both of us and didn't stop me forming a functional relationship.

I can only assume his new girlfriend wasn't happy for me to be friends with him, which I get. But yes it does hurt, as I lost a friend.

The new girlfriend probably doesnt like the will they wont they ex hanging around and told him to get rid.

This doesnt sound like a complex or unusual story.

He has done you such a favour and you will end up seeing this. And when he comes back to you trying to pick up your ''friendship'' you will ignore him I hope.

He was using you as a place holder girlfriend. I know you rationalise this relationship saying it's a friendship, but the boundaries between friendship and a relationship were very very blurry. He backed away from a relationship but didn't have the kindness to end the friendship at that point. He knew you wanted a relationship with him but he stayed in your life anyway, getting the benefits of the friendship without giving anything he didn't want to give.

You need to accept that you were only an ego boost to him.

The reason why he treated you so badly is because you always and consistently went back for me. He didnt have pretend to be nice to you because he knew you'd forgive him.

He'll smarm his way back in and you'll fall for it again. Before you know it you've wasted more years on this prick.

Pick your dignity up off the floor, shake yourself down and work on your boundaries.

He is not your friend, he is a user.

He said this to you?

''Even tho a few months ago he told me he resisted looking at my pics as he liked it too much and confused him.''

What a deliberately MIXED message he gave you there.

He kept you on the hook with the idea that he was conflicted

Geez

The ''geez'' is at him not you. Angry on your behalf. He was deliberately throwing you a bone with that ''I'm conflicted'' shtickkk

Haha @lollipoprainbow noo! They get cheated on and dumped and heart broken just like us 😁

@wheresthesnow

So basically now I'm thinking it was me. I pushed him away by being "too intense" But I don't think I was.

The best thing to do was to push away a man who was this ambivalent about you!

You are going over your actions now, wishing you hadn't asked for anything that resulted in him being ''pushed away''.

But I bet you went out of your way to ask for NOTHING.

At one point you were together and then he relegated you and he was still rewarded with your friendship, the girlfriend experience as somebody upthread called it,and that is a perfect description. The Girlfriend Experience with no obligation to be faithful, no responsibilty, no accountability. All of the good none of the bad. And you accept that because he has no fear of losing you and you were scared of losing him.

If you want to show him you're strong, just never communicate with him again.

IF you bump in to him again, tell him you laugh now at how you thought he was all that being told to fuck off was exactly the right treatment for your delusion but oh well, lesson lived and learned boy, ''what a walking mixed message you were!''

The absolute worst thing that could have happened to you here would have been to have asked for SO little that he stuck around using you as his Girlfriend Experience indefinitely.

The best answer is always to say that you've moved on and now in a steady relationship

Better just to completely block/delete and never answer him again.

If you tell him you're in a new relationship would he think "Ahh good for you , all the best . Nice that you have someone who'll treat you well" etc.
Or would he try and split you up ( and if it isn't real , how would you look then ?)

Actually the fact it's an ex is more galling than a new girlfriend . They have history , made plans , broke up and resolved it . He wans to settle down (he said) sounds like he doesn't care who with . .
Maybe the OP is secretly thinking well he split with her and went back. If he splits with her again, I'm the Ex , he'll come Back ......
Be No-Ones Sloppy Seconds .

Please do not message him ever again.
I promise you that in two years you will look back and be grateful that you retained your dignity.

This man is not worth your time.
I suppose it's good that he doesn't want to be embroiled with other women if he is seriously dating someone, however he has been rude and not treated YOU nicely.

That was pretty brutal But on the other hand he could have strung you along with hints and promises. Sounds as if he must like this other woman a lot. At least he was honest. He might be back if it doesn't work out. He's a user.

Ok, so what we know is that he is an absolute shit bag and has broken your heart.
What you need to do now is block him on everything as when it inevitably breaks down with the sucker he is with, he will know that you will be waiting in the wings. DO NOT BE THAT PERSON!

You have had a lot to deal with this year and your self esteem is at rock bottom, whilst it will be hard to let him go, if you are honest, you never really had him and thank fuck! You are worth more!

Now, whilst it's easier said than done, you MUST pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and concentrate on you and not this prick of a man!

2021 can be your year, but you have to allow it to happen by not holding on to what might have, could have, would have been.

Block - delete - don’t waste anymore of your valuable time on a man that used you for sex and something to do.

He was using you until what he considered a better offer came along

I was in a situation like this about 6 years ago. I think the best answer is one that communicates that you're fine on your own unlike him

The man who did this to me, when we met, he really presented himself as a free spirit, didn't want a relationship, but we met up, a lot, and then I gave him the girlfriend experience (although not that much sex, but maybe he wasn't that bothered about sex, it was the girlfriend experience he wanted). But he definitely did not want to be accountable to anybody or faithful or to have to consider anybody else or discuss his plans.

It all came to a head when something he said about another woman punctured my cognitive dissonance. He was angry with a woman he'd been messaging because they'd hit it off online and when he suggested meeting, she checked out his profile, saw he wasn't interested in a relationship and she messaged back to say ''sorry, for me the point is a relationship, not necessarily serious right away but a relationship nonetheless, it's been fun chatting, good luck''

And he was so angry that another woman had a bar, that she had her own agenda. He wouldn't normally have told me about messages he sent to women online but on this occasion he must have felt so slapped down that he told me about it, with the narrative that she was so sad and ridiculous, to not meet anybody if they weren't in to a relationship. He was mocking her nearly. And the scales fell from my eyes. I thought, wow, this is a woman who will get a relationship, because she is not filling her life with assholes who'll use her for the girlfriend experience!

So I called time on whatever blurry boundaried ''friendship'' we had and he was dismissive. Wouldn't accept that he'd done anything wrong. Disappeared altogether.

Ages later I did look him up and we met but I just saw this sad deluded boring character and I wondered why the fuck I'd thought he was so great. It's a mystery to me now why I elevated him to some high status. I'm worth twenty of him.

So, OP, get distance. Do not message him. Move on.

SnowyOwlWan you sound awesome. He sounds like a perpetual loser in life.

How come these absolute sleaze ball guys have so much luck with the ladies? Seems he had women falling all over themselves to be with him, then dumped at his whim. He sounds absolutely vile by the way. Hope he ends up lonely and miserable, with a persistent sti.

Op please don’t reply when he inevitably contacts you to rekindle in a few days/weeks/months. In fact, block him so he knows you don’t want him anymore.

[quote wheresthesnow]@daisychain01 I do my two good friends.
They are angry with me at the moment as they told me to get rid a year ago.
Maybe if I listened then I wouldn't be in this mess now.[/quote]
Bluntly but with kindness @wheresthesnow thank your lucky stars that your version of "being in a mess" is one you can very quickly clean up by blocking him on all forms of contact including the dreaded WhatsApp. Be strong and bold, and shift from the mindset that you're in a mess.

Being in a mess would be you finding out you're pg by him, because that brings a whole world of complexity with it that you definitely can do without.

What you have currently is an easily resolvable matter. You have to do it for yourself.

Great that you have RL friends. Face the fact they will have been really frustrated on your behalf that you have wasted your time and feelings on him. That makes them lovely friends to care about you! You don't need to 'apologise' for anything to them, but you could retrieve the situation very well by recognising to them that you've learnt and grown as a person and want to get your life on track positively. We all make errors of judgement, in love and other relationships, the main thing is learning and not repeating the same mistake again.

I know people on MN often talk about FWB relationships and maybe they work for some people, but the only ones I've ever known of have always ended in tears and hurt. It seems to give people license to behave badly and treat the other person like dirt ("but you knew it was only ever a FWB" .... yeah riiiight).

Thanks Aalvarino, I learnt a lot of valuable lessons there. I wish I'd learnt them when I was much younger but better late than never.

Isn't it weird how for some of us, if maybe our parents weren't that in to us and our attachment style is anxious, we can't seeeeeeeeee what's really going on when it's their treatment of us but a bonus glimpse in to their attitude to other women and it is viewed through a clearer lens.

For me, when it was somebody else, I finally saw it. I finally thought, wow, he is so entitled to his own agenda of never committing but he is contemptuous of this woman's right to not spend her time meeting men determined not to commit!

SHE was the one (as much as him) who taught me the lesson I needed to learn. Thank you Jenny74 from Belfast

oh yes, @wheresthesnow definitely look in to attachment styles.

I realised that I mistook ambivalence for chemistry. Brianna McWilliams and Alan Robarge have clips on youtube about attachment styles.

Block him on messenger, delete his number. Hope your CBT comes through soon. You are better off without him.

You need to take back control from him. Block him on everything and do not message him again.
You need to get some therapy on why you’ve allowed someone to treat you like this.
If not don’t do this you’ll be back on here in 2 months with the exact same story.
You don’t want to waste another moment on you as there is categorically no happy ending here