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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has said goodbye,am I justified feeling hurt?

191 replies

wheresthesnow · 28/12/2020 09:17

I've been "friends " with a guy for nearly 2 years now.
We spoke about everything daily.
We had some dates about a year ago and have slept together and nearly actually got together but he backed off.
We haven't slept together in a year but I thought we developed quite a good friendship.
He would confide in me about things and me him.
We would chat on the phone but mostly text.
He told me he still fancied me but he was a bit of a Jack the lad.
I messaged him last week (as normal never thought anything of it) he took ages to reply.
Then he replied "I'm starting to date (name of woman) I don't want you to message me again thanks "
I replied "eh we are friends why not"
He replied "do you not understand I want no more contact with you,stop messaging me,goodbye,there's no need for further communication"
Then I replied and no response
I'm unbelievably hurt.
I feel like I've lost a limb.
I had accepted we would never be a couple but I value him as a friend.
He's literally throwing me away for someone his known a fortnight.
I've never stopped crying for a week now.
Would you message again?
It's not like we are still sleeping together or sending naked pics
Even tho a few months ago he told me he resisted looking at my pics as he liked it too much and confused him.

OP posts:
VivaMiltonKeynes · 28/12/2020 10:42

@wheresthesnow

Do you think il never hear from him again now?
You might the next time he's at a loose end and wants a shag and ego boost.
JorisBonson · 28/12/2020 10:43

@youvegottenminuteslynn this is the same poster.

Original poster
wheresthesnow · 28/12/2020 10:44

I don't want him to think I'm obsessed with him.
I want to be strong and not look back.
I wish I could go back in time and do it different but I can't ...all I can do now is move on.

OP posts:
Anyoldname12 · 28/12/2020 10:46

I think you’re lying to yourself about this friendship. You texting him saying “we’re just friends” doesn’t ring true when you wrote this
He told me in the summer "I've decided I'm going to settle down now"
So obviously I thought finally he wanted commitment.
Then he text saying "do you know anybody single who I could go on a date with? I've got 3 lined up"
And I'm sat there like "what about me"
No one who is friends thinks “what about me” in that situation. You need to admit to yourself you’re not and never were friends and reframe the situation in your mind. He is now unavailable and has asked to be left alone. He was obviously aware of your feelings and doesn’t think it’s appropriate to continue speaking to you now he is in a relationship.

Move on.

Original poster
wheresthesnow · 28/12/2020 10:48

@Anyoldname12 I know,my point is he couldn't have cared about me at all to treat me like he has then just toss me away so easy.

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 28/12/2020 10:50

Sorry this has happened, it really is worse than a relationship finishing in so many ways.

AllWashedOut · 28/12/2020 10:51

OP, it isn't your fault.

He treated you like a worthless piece of gum on his shoe.

HE was bang out of order and used you for an emotional comfort blanket knowing you were soft for him.

I find that type of person revolting in the extreme. Whatever you do, block him from your life forever. Do not allow him a toe back in.

You need to sort out yourself, nurture yourself. That will take a lot of time and effort. Counselling would definitely help you if you were up for that. You have no time for wasters like that in your life. Treat the pain as a wakeup call. The start of a new beginning, to begin directing time and energy on yourself not on someone else.

Nomoresleeps · 28/12/2020 10:53

I do recognise you as you post about this horrible guy a lot. I’m not sure what else anyone can say as you have been going through agonies with him for a long time and you always seem at square one.

viques · 28/12/2020 10:53

@wheresthesnow

Do you think il never hear from him again now?
Oh yes. I think I would put money on it.

If ever he finds himself at a loose end, in need of a woman by his side so no one can say he’s a loser, or even if he fancies a quickie while a current girlfriend is working he will pick up that phone and call you.

But before you answer, just remember how unkind he has been to you in the last few years,months,weeks.

He has played on your vulnerability, has used you for sex, has used the pictures you sent him for wanking off too, has been brutal in his dismissal of you. He hasn’t shown you love, care or respect. You deserve better.

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 10:53

You weren’t friends. You were holding on to something that wouldn’t ever be.

Block and delete and move on. Pick yourself up and just carry on with work and family and your proper friends.

Original poster
wheresthesnow · 28/12/2020 10:53

There's been so much other stuff too.
My mum was dying and I was her carer.
Someone reported me saying I was stealing from her (I wasn't and it was proven )
Anyway it was my ex best friend who did it and she is best friends with this guy..he knew about it and believed it.
Then when I proved him wrong he didn't apologise,he denied any involvement in this and I continued speaking to him.
He said I was in the wrong for accusing him but he dropped himself in it.
There's so much he's done to me it's sick.

OP posts:
Carolofthebellies · 28/12/2020 10:54

He is a bunny boiler.
Also he doesn't want to have a contact with you so don't contact him even though it hurts. Don't humiliate yourself for this prick.

bangheadhere40 · 28/12/2020 10:54

Just a quick question-

Did you ever go on dates or talk about other men?

I'm just wondering what his reaction was if so.

Original poster
wheresthesnow · 28/12/2020 10:55

I know I'm annoying with my posts but my head is a mess.
The nastiness from him for no reason hurts me.
I will move on and I will be ok and I will stop posting about him.
I will never understand why he's treated me so bad.
I'm not a victim and I played my part but il never understand why he went along with the reporting me.
He wanted to believe I was a bad person

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 28/12/2020 10:55

@wheresthesnow

Do you think il never hear from him again now?
You might hear from him if his current relationship ends and he needs you as a temporary fill in until he meets someone else.

It's always hard to find out that someone you trust has been using you. I hope you find someone more worthy of you soon.

Original poster
wheresthesnow · 28/12/2020 10:56

@bangheadhere40 I did go on other dates yes but never really told him.
Except one time I was going out and he told me I would probably meet someone looking like that.
Then the next day asking if I had met anybody

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 28/12/2020 10:57

You've obviously tried the 'relationship' side with him but it didn't work for him. He still saw you as a really good and close friend. Now he has a new girlfriend he's obviously concerned that having you continue to contact him is going to look bad from his new girlfriends viewpoint. He needs to distance himself from you for his relationship to have a chance. Lots of people say its possible to have close friendships with a member of the opposite sex but the reality is most women will not look well upon such a relationship. Especially when you have deeper feelings for him.

Cleverpolly3 · 28/12/2020 10:58

[quote wheresthesnow]@Anyoldname12 I know,my point is he couldn't have cared about me at all to treat me like he has then just toss me away so easy.[/quote]
He doesn’t care about you.

The sooner you see that and stop making it a reflection of you, your behaviour, your input etc the better.

You feel that way because of HIS behaviour.
Delete him from your life in every form except for continuing to allow this pain you are feeling - perhaps when his current relationship fails and he fancies picking you up before putting you down again - to function when necessary as a remainder for what not to tolerate from any other men in the future. Especially him.

Original poster
wheresthesnow · 28/12/2020 10:58

Then another time we were out together and he was telling me about all the sexy women in the pub.
Then answered the phone to a woman he slept with whilst in bed with me.
I know you think I'm obsessive but it almost became a competition to win him.
It was sad and pathetic I know.

OP posts:
Cccc1111 · 28/12/2020 10:58

Been in near identical situation. If he’s going to drop you just because he has a new girlfriend, he’s shown himself to be not a good friend. Take it as a lucky escape at least now you know the kind of person he really is. You’re crying because you’re lost a close friend, and because of how brutally he ended the friendship, it’s natural to be sad it will pass.

diddl · 28/12/2020 10:59

"I don't want him to think I'm obsessed with him"

I'd be surprised if he didn't already think that tbh.

Which is why he treats you as he does.

Whichof course is an indication of what a shit he is.

He should have cut ties with you long before now.

Out of interest, who did the daily contacting?

I don't have any friends who I contact daily!

AcornAutumn · 28/12/2020 11:01

@wheresthesnow

Then another time we were out together and he was telling me about all the sexy women in the pub. Then answered the phone to a woman he slept with whilst in bed with me. I know you think I'm obsessive but it almost became a competition to win him. It was sad and pathetic I know.
I think you have to ask why you let yourself be treated so badly. Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
Nomoresleeps · 28/12/2020 11:02

You don’t have to stop posting. That’s up to you. It’s just sad that you have been stuck at this point for a long time and I’m sure you said on another thread that he had asked you to stop contacting him. What will help you let go?

Original poster
wheresthesnow · 28/12/2020 11:02

@diddl it was mutual.
Some days me some days him.
Some days he would send message after message then the next day he would ignore me.
Then I would ask if he was ok and he would get angry at me for asking.
Or he wouldn't text one day then comment on my Snapchat if I was going out and looked "nice"

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresthesnow · 28/12/2020 11:02

@AcornAutumn I'm early 30s

OP posts:
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