He has said goodbye,am I justified feeling hurt?

[wheresthesnow]

I've been "friends " with a guy for nearly 2 years now.
We spoke about everything daily.
We had some dates about a year ago and have slept together and nearly actually got together but he backed off.
We haven't slept together in a year but I thought we developed quite a good friendship.
He would confide in me about things and me him.
We would chat on the phone but mostly text.
He told me he still fancied me but he was a bit of a Jack the lad.
I messaged him last week (as normal never thought anything of it) he took ages to reply.
Then he replied "I'm starting to date (name of woman) I don't want you to message me again thanks "
I replied "eh we are friends why not"
He replied "do you not understand I want no more contact with you,stop messaging me,goodbye,there's no need for further communication"
Then I replied and no response
I'm unbelievably hurt.
I feel like I've lost a limb.
I had accepted we would never be a couple but I value him as a friend.
He's literally throwing me away for someone his known a fortnight.
I've never stopped crying for a week now.
Would you message again?
It's not like we are still sleeping together or sending naked pics
Even tho a few months ago he told me he resisted looking at my pics as he liked it too much and confused him.

Part of me wants to know who she is but then I would do the compare me dance to her.
I think it's best not to know.

How do I pick myself up from this?

As pp have said, you don’t need this man in your life. It is never going to be a positive thing for you. I know it hurts now, but if you admit that he is no good for you then it’s the first step in stopping the hurt. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

You will hear from him again but only at his convenience. Hopefully in the intervening period, you will have done the work so as not to fall for it

So he cheated and messed you around by stopping and starting seeing other women
when you were seeing each other which you absorbed as you obviously like him a lot. You then absorbed being 'just friends' although he threw you enough little hints about still fancying you and being distracted by your photos to keep you hooked. So sorry, OP be he was never a proper friend, he was just keeping you around until he met someone he saw a proper romantic future with.

To be honest, him letting you know that he's got with someone and needs to cut contact is the most honourable and straightforward he's been with you. Shame he was horribly tactless about it (I would have been stung by the second message too).

Sounds like the whole time with him was a headfuck, him moving the goalposts when it suited him. He's done you a favour. Please keep looking for someone who deserves you. You sound loyal and kind and worth far more.

@wheresthesnow

Do you think il never hear from him again now?

Please make sure that you don't by blocking him everywhere. Seriously, even if he did get in touch, it would only be for purposes of getting himself some attention and the fun of messing you around. You deserve better.

I don’t think he wrote those texts but that’s not to say he wasn’t there when she wrote them.

If it is his ex and he’s been waiting for her - and if he’s been a bog standard fuck boy in the past - then he’s probably proving himself to her by cutting out other women.

He sounds like a complete dick but (sorry) you’re being a bit pathetic.

Your time would be better spent investigating why you were happy to take scraps at his table!

He fucked you around a year ago. That’s no solid foundation for a friendship.

Was it his phrasing? I’d wonder if it was her who texted you...

Then he started treating me poorly and other women came into play.

Sounds to me as if you are much better off without him. Why would you want someone who treats you so badly in your life?

You deserve so much more. Don't waste anymore time on people who do not treat you well.

Would you message again?

No, because no good can come of it.

How do I pick myself up from this?

For starters, by taking the rose tinted glasses off. Grieve the relationship you desperately wanted it to be and accept it for what it was.

Never, ever prioritise someone who sees you as an option.

It wasn’t different with you. It never is. You thought it was but it wasn’t. It’s very painful to be thrown away the way he has thrown you away and you will need some time to get over it. At least he has cut the thread that kept you dangling; you will move on and a time will come when you look back and are thankful that you were released.

@AgentJohnson

You will hear from him again but only at his convenience. Hopefully in the intervening period, you will have done the work so as not to fall for it

This. He'll be back. Work on your self esteem in the meantime because you've allowed yourself to be treated really shoddily here. You're his 'girlfriend experience' effectively, with none of the actual commitment. He gets what he wants from you depending on his current situation with other women he's seeing (so sometimes he wants sex, sometimes attention, sometimes flirtation, sometimes cinema / meals etc) and dictates the terms of your dynamic. You're vulnerable to this happening to you again as you said it was different with you two but it's a run of the mill, typical situation with dickhead men who do this. And some women who do too. He's not as special as you think he is and neither was your connection unfortunately (well actually, fortunately - because you can be free from the prick now!)

Send him one last message saying Its for the best as I have met someone too x

@XmasBelle

Send him one last message saying Its for the best as I have met someone too x

This is a terrible idea. It’ll just keep it going and he’ll guess the op is lying U.K. try doc kept him interested.

Block. Delete. Move on.

Why are you asking if you should message him again when he has clearly told you not to contact him again? That is setting you up for more hassle and hurt.

Not to be rude but he was never really your friend OP. Friends care about each other and don't like to mess with each others emotions. It doesn't matter who he's dating now it's of no importance to you. Take some time out to feel the loss of what you felt towards him. Then move on and don't look back.

Also OP he's told you explicitly not to message him. To do so would be harassing him. Think about how unhealthy it is that you're even considering doing that.

I do think while he sounds like a total prick, if someone came on here and said they've told an ex / friend in no uncertain terms not to contact them and they did so, they'd quite rightly be told they were harassing that ex / friend. Don't be that person OP.

Not once did he care how upset I was so I guess your right that's not a friendship.
I told him I really needed a friend right now and I got no reply.
It's like when he first meets you ..your shiny and new and then he moves on to the next shiny and new thing.
I won't message him again as I really will look pathetic won't I.
I think he got a kick out of me being jealous of the other women.
I remember once i said to him "who did you sleep with last night " and he told me and said "don't get jealous ha ha " I said "I don't think she's your type " and he replied "thank god you don't know about the rest"
4 months ago he was telling me how he pretends his going to work so the girls leave ..I'm sure he hasn't turned into Prince Charming overnight.

Yes you will absolutely look pathetic. You need to block him. Seriously.

@yellowhighheels yes that's pretty much it.
He told me in the summer "I've decided I'm going to settle down now"
So obviously I thought finally he wanted commitment.
Then he text saying "do you know anybody single who I could go on a date with? I've got 3 lined up"
And I'm sat there like "what about me"

I am not surprised you are upset as that is a horrible couple of messages to send. He could have said “just to let you know...not appropriate...thank you for ...” etc.

But he has shown himself as the selfish wanker he is.

Next time someone shows you who they are, as the saying goes, believe them.

OP: men often illicit sex, tolerance over drinking, gambling etc etc by appealing to a woman's saviour’ instinct. Have a look at what you put up with because the poor love was ‘infused’.

Look after yourself, lick your wounds, and then move forwards with your boundaries in good nick.

Something similar but not identical happened to me earlier this year. In my case there was no other romantic partner involved but we had been such good friends. He friend-dumped me in the middle of a pandemic and a traumatic house move. He'd appreciated me giving him somewhere to go and all but I didnt understand him, apparently. This was after weeks of lying in response to messages, or just ignoring me. For context he had relied very heavily on me for emotional, practical and financial support.

I told him how much he had hurt me in the one text message I allowed myself. I also told him to return my stuff and my money. And to go fuck himself. And then I blocked him on everything.

It still hurts because it is like it was all a lie, and I imagine that is how you feel too. I still think of him often but the rose tinted view and rejection have been replaced by disdain, to a large extent. The same will be true for you in time. In the meantime it sucks and you have my full sympathy. All I can recommend is keeping very busy so you dont have time to think about him. And do not get drunk and get in contact with him. He needs to be dead to you now.

I'm so sorry op. I agree with pp, he's a twat and will come crawling back when this latest woman drops him. You're clearly in love with him, forget the friendship thing and treat it like a break up. Block him on everything and work on building your own self esteem.

It sounds like your relationship was blurred between friends and romantic involvement. In my experience men are not so good at being able to revert back once sex has become involved.

I had a similar experience where I was friends with a guy - strong friends for approx 5 years. Then when I broke up with my fiancée who I lived with - we started a sexual relationship., it lasted about 4 months. Then it ran out of steam and we agreed it should end. I was hoping that we could revert back to being friends. But he couldn’t do that. Cut off all contact and got invoked with someone he worked with straight away. Then I got a few texts from him saying sorry approx 2 months later. We did try to build the friendship again a few times by goi g to the pub and hanging out without group. But it was never the same.

I had thought outlet friendship was so strong that it would overcome it. But it didn’t.

We are not in contact now.

I think you should grieve for the friendship you have lost. But don’t continue to text or contact him. He has made his decision. He may feel with you still in his life that he cannot his it a go or commit to anyone else.